Chef!, Series Two (1994)

Gareth:
Get me a large knife, sharp like a razor. I have to castrate the person who made this sauce and I want to avoid any unnecessary suffering. It is imperative that the author of this atrocity is not allowed to breed any more.

Gareth:
No need to worry about the health inspector coming into the kitchen, the shock would kill him on the spot. And the bacteria under Everton's section would consume him in seconds.

Gareth:
God, I love fishing. Well, obviously, what I actually love is holding a rod while standing in ice water up to my goolies. That must be the appeal, 'cause I never see a fish, never mind catch one.

Gustave LaRoche:
Her legs go all the way to the top. I reckon I could force myself.

Gustave:
Alphonse!

Alphonse:
Oui, Chef.

Gustave:
Oh. Encore deux bouteilles de Burgundy, s'il vous plait.

Alphonse:
But you have had these bottles already.

Gustave:
Oi oi oi! Never mind what I have had or haven't had. Fetch us up a couple of bottles tout de suite.

Alphonse:
But Monsieur, Chef said...

Gustave:
"Chef?" Chef? I'm "Chef!" Grand Monsieur de Blackstock est away. Je am Chef. And make it four bottles.

Alphonse:
Uh...

Gustave:
Come on, sunshine. Sûr votre bicyclette, eh? Quatre bouteilles maintenant. Not le jour après next.

Alphonse:
Oui, Chef.

Gustave:
Vive la France. He understands every word I say.

Janice:
(to Gareth) This child of yours, it's going to be the male version of the immaculate birth, is it?

Gareth:
The partridge I want is one which has eaten wild food and lived a wild life, has struggled, hoped and dreamed, has sown wild oats, has tasted the bitter disappointment of middle age, and knows what it is to eyeball The Grim Reaper in the watches of the night; the partridge sunk in the veil of years, with all the flavours of its rich eventful life captured in its texture, its juice, its very flesh. I do not want this callow, milk-fed, adolescent, uncouth, undeveloped wodge of protein. I don't believe in eating virgins! This partridge.

Everton:
Yeah, that's right, Chef.

Gareth:
This partridge on the other hand.

Everton:
Got its leg well over, I shouldn't wonder.

Janice:
Out?

Gareth:
Yes, out. You remember out. You go through this door, the temperature drops suddenly and the scenery changes.

Health Inspector:
You have a cracked tile on your wall, Mr Blackstock. It was there last month.

Gareth:
A cracked tile?

Inspector:
Just above the skirting board.

Gareth:
Should I evacuate the building?

Inspector:
Just have it replaced by next time.

Gareth:
Just tell me how is a cracked tile going to wipe out my clientèle?

Inspector:
Bacteria collects in the cracks. Food may come into contact with it.

Gareth:
Ah, but bacteria may collect in the grout, all over the kitchen. They've got us surrounded, these bacteria.

Inspector:
That's so, Mr Blackstock. Which is why, as from next year, it will no longer be acceptable.

Gareth:
What...?

Inspector:
As from next year...

Gareth:
You don't mean they're going to outlaw grouting?!

Inspector:
Exactly. Continuous impervious surfacing will be mandatory.

Gareth:
Well that's it isn't it, really? I mean that's the bottom line. That's what you people want, all over the planet: continuous impervious surfacing. Only trouble is, if it ever did break, health inspectors would collect in the cracks!

Winky Waterman:
Gareth Henry Blackstock?

Gareth:
I am indeed, and I'm in the middle of service. So, if you don't vacate my kitchen immediately, I'll serve some warm cheese on a wooden chopping board and you won't see the morning.

Winky Waterman:
Gareth Henry Blackstock...

Gareth:
I'll set my cracked tile loose on you!

Winky Waterman:
My name is...

Gareth:
Problems with the hearing, eh? There's the door. You: walk through it, closey-closey after you. Otherwise, blood everywhere. Even in the grouting. Grieving relatives. Orphaned children. Long court case. Acquittal due to extreme provocation. Compensatory award to me from public funds. Bad business all round. Nuf said? And if you have any further business with me, I'll see you in an hour or so. Goodbye.

Gareth:
Once this gadget is in the salmon, they can track it to study fish migration. I mean they can follow salmon now from a helicopter. They have made many remarkable discoveries, but even so they were very surprised when they detected a mature salmon travelling at 58 miles an hour down the A40. I think it was then that they perhaps thought something other than fish hormones might be at work.

Gareth:
Now, about the poultry...

Janice:
Screw the poultry, Gareth!

Gareth:
We live in a small community, Janice. People would talk.

Gareth:
(to Everton) I pay you what you're worth. How could you possibly afford a flat?

Policeman:
I've applied to be on Masterchef. I even met Loyd Grossman once.

Gareth:
Well, don't worry; we won't tell anyone.

Gareth:
He dies. Everton Stonehead RIP.

Janice:
Now, Gareth...

Gareth:
Look at that! It's not a person; it's a smirk on legs. He's unbearable! Two years of being a useless pain in the arse in my kitchen and now this.

Janice:
Now, Gareth...

Gareth:
And listen to this: "I do feel the restraints of not having my own kitchen and having to conform to a dated and restricted cuisine!"

Janice:
Now, Gareth, don't sack him straight away.

Gareth:
I'm not going to sack him straight away. I'm going to kill him straight away. Slowly and wickedly, revealing a hitherto unsuspected vicious strain of sadism in my psychological make-up.

Janice:
Unsuspected?

Gareth:
Then I'll sack him, appending his P45 to his mutilated remains as a compassionate gesture, so only his nearest and dearest can identify him.

[Janice and Gareth are in the dining room after tricking Everton into running service hoping it will teach him a lesson]

Gareth:
What a disaster.

Janice:
I know.

Gareth:
In my own restaurant. This is all your fault.

Janice:
That's right blame me.

Gareth:
Well I do blame you. Give him a little rope you said, now look what's happened.

Janice:
I know!

Gareth:
Everything absolutely...perfect!

Gareth:
Four partridge. One "well done". Debra, ruin a partridge for me, please. Dry it out, destroy its texture, spoil its taste. Wantonly cast its very partridgeness to the four winds to satisfy this barbarian, this Visigoth, this Viking who has presumably ordered it because the knowledge that I am weeping in the kitchen brings him pleasure.

Gareth:
Alphonse! Where's Alphonse? Bring it to me at once, alive! And I want him in chains. Alphonse!

Alphonse:
Oui, Chef?

Gareth:
I am not a wine expert, Alphonse, but even I have no difficulty in identifying rat's piss when I taste it and this isn't even vintage rat's piss. Were I running Gazza'a Fish Shop as so many people here seem to think I am, I wouldn't let my customers shake this over their chips. The person who thinks this is good enough to cook with, Alphonse, is a grape-brained milliwit!

Gareth:
Gaston, if you do not hop it tout suite I will frape votre teeth so far down votre gorge, you will be able to mange avec your derrière as well as parlezing out of it.

Gareth:
That's right, Everton. Put the eggs and the olive oil on the seat under everything else. That way by the time we get there if we're lucky the mayonnaise will have made itself.

Gaston:
Hello, Rosbif.

Everton:
Not here, mate. Try another kitchen.

Gaston:
You have to start boiling your vegetables now or they will not be soggy and tasteless in time.

Everton:
Who's Rosbif?

Gareth:
We are, Everton.

Everton:
You mean they call us Rosbifs like we call them fr...

Gareth:
Everton, don't stoop to their level.

Gaston:
So what you do, Rosbifs? Le grey bouf with ze soft cabbage and ze Rice Pudding with ze nice lumps? [reads menu] Wine sauce?

Gareth:
That's right.

Gaston:
But what is this wine?

Gareth:
I'm sure you've heard of it. It's an alcoholic drink made with fermented grapes.

Gaston:
But you must use ingredients anglais, Monsieur.

Everton:
It is English, Monsieur.

Gaston:
What is English?

Gareth:
Having trouble with the old second tongue are we? It is English wine.

Gaston:
Le vin anglais? [laughs] Le vin Rosbif? My friend, you have won this contest already. No one else has this great advantage.