Columbo, Season One

Lt. Columbo:
Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.

Ken Franklin:
Naw!

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

Ken Franklin:
That's a provocative statement. Can you prove that?

Lt. Columbo:
Yes. Not with the witness 'cause you killed the witness. But I got another way to prove it.

Ken Franklin:
Will you enlighten me? I must say, I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand.

Lt. Columbo:
So you don't think I'm going to be able to find a cabin to rent, huh?

Ken Franklin:
Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh huh. Because I think it would be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks.

Ken Franklin:
[laughs] Yeah.

Ken Franklin:
Now, wait a minute. You, you look like you're troubled. Is there some reason for your question?

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, it's your mail.

Ken Franklin:
My mail?

Lt. Columbo:
Isn't it funny how people are different? Now, me, if I found my partner dead I'd never think of opening my letters.

Ken Franklin:
But I-I-I just did it to distract myself. I mean you gotta remember one thing. That's a great shock.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.

Lt. Columbo:
I don't understand.

Ken Franklin:
Well, that's painfully obvious. One of these men had Jim killed.

Lt. Columbo:
Really? Why?

Ken Franklin:
Tell me something-- how long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant? Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that. [snaps his fingers]

Lt. Columbo:
Look, I, I wanna take all the help I can get.

Ken Franklin:
I'll tell you something, Lieutenant. See, if Mrs. Melville were on this case, oh, she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.

Lt. Columbo:
Is that the lady in the books?

Lt. Columbo:
You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth. For awhile there I never thought I was gonna get you. Believe me, you had me going in such circles. I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly, I thought of something-- how clever that first murder was-- the phone gimmick, working in late in the office. Brilliant!

Ken Franklin:
Are you awarding gold medals today?

Lt. Columbo:
Yes! For the first one, not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

Arthur Kennicut:
What would you have done if the car hadn't broken down? You couldn't set up this trap.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I guess we would have found some other way. You know what this place reminds me of, just seeing all these cars? You know, in our neighborhood we had a bunch of jokers. I mean we were a real loud bunch of guys and we figured out a perfect way to put a car out of commission. You take a potato, you stick it in the exhaust pipe. Doesn't cause any damage but the car won't start. It was a terrible thing to do. And I got a feeling that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all those jokes I played when I was a kid.

Lt. Columbo:
I was just wondering because your beach house and his beach house, they're fairly close, aren't they?

Brimmer:
No. It's a couple of miles.

Lt. Columbo:
That close! Isn't that a coincidence! I'll tell ya, this case is just full of 'em.

Lt. Columbo:
Isn't that weird? What a coincidence!

Brimmer:
What's that?

Lt. Columbo:
Here a moment ago we were talking about lefthanded people and you're lefthanded.

Lt. Columbo:
[During a lesson with the golf pro he's investigating] Listen, can I help you out? Don't say anything else. You don't have an attorney. Wait until you get an attorney. This way you can hurt your case. Believe me, I know something about my business. I don't know nothing about golf, you know. See, that's your business. I know something about my business. And believe me, you know, down through the years, uh, you get so that you, uh, you develop a nose for things, you see, and, uh [makes a perfect swing] after a while the ol' nose just tells you when someone is not giving you the truth. Now, uh, I'm gonna forget about the lesson because I could never learn this game but I'll be back to talk to ya.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, if it was me, if it was my gun, I would take very good care of that gun. I'd have it in my apartment where people could see it. And I would keep it polished and I would keep it oiled. And I would keep it loaded. And when a certain Colonel Dutton came to see me and threatened to expose me, that's the gun that I would use.

Lt. Columbo:
[At the exhibition of the General's war memorabilia] Hey, that's nice, isn't it? Isn't that beautifully cut? Custom tailored. You know, I think it's almost too nice. I mean all that concern about clothes. It's kinda vain, don't you think?

Helen Stewart:
Some men, Lieutenant, do not want to look like an unmade bed.

General Martin Hollister:
[aboard the General's boat] I don't see how a man with the name of Columbo, shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?

Lt. Columbo:
Must have been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?

General Martin Hollister:
Look! What do you see?

Helen Stewart:
Your house.

General Martin Hollister:
And in the window?

Helen Stewart:
I can't see anything because of the reflection of the sun on the water.

General Martin Hollister:
You know, you said you saw a shooting there about this same time of day.

Lt. Columbo:
You know what strikes me? You're the one that downgrades yourself. One dinner with General Hollister and you begin to doubt your senses.

Dale Kingston:
You notice, no matter how abstract the painter, he always signs his name realistically, doesn't he.

Dale Kingston:
Wait a minute. You mean, you think the thief was a woman?

Lt. Columbo:
One of them.

Dale Kingston:
ONE of them?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, there were too many pictures there for one person to carry, don't ya think? And besides, the burglar alarm thing, you know, there's only one way to really beat that, is if you have somebody else from the inside open the door.

Dale Kingston:
I don't think I understand.

Lt. Columbo:
You know what? That's the trouble. Neither do I.

Lt. Columbo:
You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. I hope you don't mind.

Dale Kingston:
Oh, that's your job. And?

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, alright. So that if Mr. Mathews was killed at 11:00 you sure didn't do it.

Dale Kingston:
Now, isn't that a shame? And here I am your best and most obvious suspect, too.

Lt. Columbo:
Ah, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?

Dale Kingston:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
Quite a place!

Dale Kingston:
Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.

Lt. Columbo:
That's right, it isn't. But things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?

Dale Kingston:
[sarcastically] My, how observant you are!

Lt. Columbo:
[to upset Mrs. Matthews] Now I want you to go right ahead and I want you to forget about all this. Just do what my wife does. 'Cause when she hits a department store, she just can forget anything, even the fact that I'm sitting outside waiting.

Dale Kingston:
Alright, Lieutenant, you claim that I planted these paintings. Suppose you prove it.

Lt. Columbo:
[looking at the fingerprint expert] Can we?

Expert:
Yeah.

Lt. Columbo:
[looking back at Kingston] Yeah. With fingerprints.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, you see, he pulled the rug out from under you when he left his collection to Mrs. Mathews so you only had one thing that you could do-- murder him and blame it on her.

Doris Buckner:
Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police and he said he'd send over his very best man?

Roger Sanford:
[looking at Columbo] Is that a fact?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, my wife, she says I'm second best but, uh, she claims there are 80 fellas tied for first.

Lt. Columbo:
See, now there you go. You're looking at your watch again.

Roger Sanford:
Will you do me a favor? Will you please keep quiet?

Lt. Columbo:
Why? It's only a dumb theory of mine.

Lt. Columbo:
You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find sometimes. Sometimes it's right in front of you and you can't prove it.

Lt. Columbo:
Now you see, my problem with Chemistry, that started way back in high school 'cause in my junior year I, I had to get a better grade. So I said to heck with this Chemistry stuff. I'll take another year of wood shop. You know, you just build a birdhouse and if you paint it red you get an A.