Friends, Season 1

[First lines of the series]

Monica:
There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey:
C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler:
Alright Joey, be nice. [to Monica] So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe:
Wait, does he eat chalk?

[The others stare, bemused]

Phoebe:
Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica:
Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Chandler:
Sounds like a date to me.

Ross:
Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.

Phoebe:
But...

Ross:
No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe:
Fine... be murky.

Ross:
I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica:
No, you don't.

Ross:
No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!

Joey:
And you never knew she was a lesbian?

Ross:
No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?

Chandler:
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

Chandler:
I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross:
Yeah, and - and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that - that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.

Chandler:
You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.

Rachel:
Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey:
Are we still talking about sex?

Ross:
[talking about the baby's name] Wait a minute, why is Susan's name in it?

Susan:
It's my baby, too.

Ross:
Funny, I don't remember you making any sperm!

Phoebe:
There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler:
Oh! Satan's minions at work again.

Phoebe:
Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.

Joey:
What are you talking about? Keep it!

Phoebe:
It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!

Rachel:
Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

[Phoebe finds something in her can of soda.]

Ross:
A thumb?

Joey:
Ewwww!

Phoebe:
I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.

Chandler:
Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

Monica:
Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey:
Probably kill myself.

Monica:
Excuse me?

Joey:
Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.

Ross:
Joey, omnipotent.

Joey:
You are? I'm so sorry.

[Rachel opens her first paycheck.]

Rachel:
Isn't this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally... not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?

Ross:
It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel:
Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler:
We can? All right, I'm trying that.

Joey:
You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want, you just look down and there they are! How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe:
You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.

[Long pause]

Ross:
... Multiple orgasms!

[Ross draws his laundry detergent]

Rachel:
What is that?

Ross:
Überweiss! It's new, it's German, it's extra tough

[The gang watches Joey's performance in Freud!, a local musical.]

Joey:
[in a German accent] Well, Eva, we've doon some excellent work here, and I would have to say, your problem is qviiite clear.

[singing] All you want is a dinkle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang!

All you want is a dinkle,

What you envy's a schwang,

A thing through which you can tinkle,

Or play with, or simply let hang!

Monica:
What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

Joey:
I couldn't do it.

Monica:
Good for you, Joey.

Joey:
When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Phoebe:
[singing] New York City has no power And the milk is getting sour But to me it is not scary 'Cause I stay away from dairy.

New York City has no power

And the milk is getting sour

But to me it is not scary

'Cause I stay away from dairy.

Chandler:
You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.

Jill Goodacre:
[gives him a strange look and a stick of gum]

Chandler:
[thinking] Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

Chandler:
[after being told by everyone he makes "a gay first impression"] So... what is it about me?

Monica:
I don't know....You...you have a quality.

Everyone:
Yeah. Absolutely. A quality.

Chandler:
Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

Chandler:
What is it about me? Is it my hair?

Rachel:
Yes, it's exactly that, Chandler. It's your hair.

Phoebe:
You have homosexual hair.

Ross:
Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.

Susan:
Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it.

Monica:
[complaining about her Thanksgiving] Did anyone ever give a hoot about what I wanted? NO, NO, NO, NO! And I'm just... [her voice gets very squeaky and high-pitched]

Chandler:
Okay, Monica, only dogs can hear you now.

Phoebe [singing]:
I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin' How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen? La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la... My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes, are resting in a little yellow jar. And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy...

I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'

How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen?

La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la...

My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes, are resting in a little yellow jar.

And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy...

Chandler:
Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass!

[Rachel hands out copies of her steamy romance novel draft to the gang.]

Rachel:
Oh, and - and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.

Monica:
What's a niffle?

Joey:
You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

Rachel:
All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist…

Ross:
Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? I tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Phoebe:
I just got to the part about "her public hair."

Chandler:
What are you guys doing out here?

Ross:
Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.

Joey:
Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.

Ross:
No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Joey:
Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.

Chandler:
Okay, you guys spend way too much time together.

Joey:
Ross, did you really read all these baby books?

Ross:
Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.

[Monica has just beaten Joey and Chandler at foosball with just herself playing for the "who-knows?" how many times]

Monica:
[happy] And that would be a shut-down!

Joey and Chandler:
[in unison] SHUT-OUT!!

Roger:
Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.

Ross:
No! Why would I... why? No. Why?

Roger:
Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.

Ross:
I don't think that Monica's failures...

Monica:
Oh, so I'm a failure now, is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?

Ross:
Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

Rachel:
Why can't parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?

Janice:
I brought you something.

Chandler:
Is it loaded?

Chandler:
[Preparing to break up with Janice for the third time] There's no easy way to say this. At least, there's no new way for me to say this.

Chandler:
Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Rachel:
No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Ross:
Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

Joey:
How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

Ross:
Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Phoebe:
[about why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along] It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"

[At the Lamaze class, mother-to-be Carol panics after seeing a videotaped birth.]

Ross:
Everything's going to be all right.

Carol:
What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

Ross:
I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

Chandler and Joey:
That's nice.

Ross:
No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.

Joey:
Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

Ross:
Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.

Chandler:
Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.

Ross:
Uh-huh.

Chandler:
Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.

Ross:
Do you have a point?

Chandler:
You know, you'd think I would.

[The gang is playing poker.]

Rachel:
I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?

Ross:
No, not this time. [he folds] So what'd you have?

Rachel:
I'm not telling.

Ross:
Come on, show them to me. [He reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up]

Rachel:
No!

Ross:
Show them to me!

Rachel:
Get your hands out of there! No!

Ross:
Let me see! Show them!

Chandler:
You know, I've had dates like this.

Ross:
Your money is mine, Green.

Rachel:
Your fly is open, Geller!

Samantha:
Do you know anything about fixing radiators?

Joey:
Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?

Samantha:
Of course.

Joey:
Oh. Then no.

[Rachel's ex-fiance Barry just came in Monica's apartment door]

Barry:
Rachel, I can't marry Mindy anymore. 'Cause I'm still in love with you.

Ross:
[had been looking forward to asking her out] We really need to start locking that door!

Chandler:
I got her machine.

Joey:
Her answering machine?

Chandler:
No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

Joey:
Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...

Phoebe:
You know he's gay?

Ross:
I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

Rachel:
Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica:
Still... it's just such reckless spending.

Ross:
I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler:
Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica:
That was me.

Joey:
My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

Chandler:
Joey... Switzerland?

Ross:
I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler:
I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

Chandler:
Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel:
No, forget it.

Chandler:
Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

Rachel:
All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.

Joey:
All right!

Ross:
Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?

Rachel:
No.

Ross:
You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?

Rachel:
No, it was just the three of us.

Ross:
Huh!

Joey:
So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Rachel [laughing]:
You know what?

Joey [laughing]:
What?

Rachel [laughing]:
There were times when it wasn't even me.

[Chandler and Joey laugh until they look at each other]

Phoebe:
That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

Phoebe:
[Singing] They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why You cry and you cry and you cry And you cry and you cry and you cry...

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch

Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much

Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why

You cry and you cry and you cry

And you cry and you cry and you cry...

[Ross gives Phoebe a dollar]

Phoebe:
Thanks, Ross!

Ross:
I'm paying you to stop.

Monica:
I wanna baby!

Chandler:
You'll get one.

Monica:
Oh really, when?

Chandler:
All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica:
Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler:
Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica:
Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler:
Uh... Uh....

Monica:
What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?

Chandler:
This parachute is a knapsack!

[Chandler and Joey are talking like cavemen.]

Chandler:
Men are here.

Joey:
We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler:
Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.

Phoebe:
[regarding Ross' birthday gift to Rachel] I can't believe he got you that! It must've cost him a fortune!

Chandler:
Oh, come on. Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and got her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

Rachel:
[stunned] What did you just say?

Chandler:
[mortified pause] Crystal duck.

Rachel:
No, no, the love part.

Chandler:
[Hyperventilating] Flennen!

Rachel:
Oh, my...!

Chandler:
[rubbing his temples] Oh, no, no, no!

Joey:
That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time

Ross:
”I just wanna be married again”.

[Rachel walks in with wedding dress]

Chandler:
”And I just want a million dollars”

[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit card]

Ross:
Cut, cut, cut...

Everybody:
Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Rachel:
[cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...

Monica:
Rachel, that was a library card.

[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts up her credit card]

Chandler:
You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Monica:
[to Rachel] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.

Chandler:
[watching TV] I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]

Rachel:
Come on, someone go.

Monica:
OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.

Ross:
That's my sister.

Joey:
OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.

Monica:
Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?

Ross:
Phoebs, what about you?

Phoebe:
Oh um... Milwaukee.

Rachel:
Um... Ross?

Ross:
Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Phoebe:
Ooh, Rachel.

Rachel:
Oh come on, I already went.

Monica:
You did not go.

Rachel:
All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.

Ross:
Step back...

Joey:
We have a winner!

Aunt Lillian:
What's going on?

Jack Geller:
She may have died.

Aunt Lillian:
She may have died?

Jack Geller:
We're looking into it.

Ross:
Here's to a lousy Christmas.

Rachel:
And a crappy new year!

Chandler:
Hear, hear!

Rachel:
Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?

[They all hit her with pillows]

Rachel:
Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?

Chandler:
Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!

Rachel:
Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

Phoebe:
Yeah, you wish!

[Chandler and Joey are shopping for a new table]

Joey:
Will you pick one? Just pick one. Here! How about that one?

Chandler:
That's patio furniture.

Joey:
So what? Like people are gonna come in and think "Uh-oh, I'm outside again!"

Ross:
Dammit! This is all your fault! This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, you know. My son is being born and... I should be in there, you know. Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.

Susan:
The woman I love is having a baby today, I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

Ross:
No, believe me, no one has been waiting for this just as much as I have. Okay, and you know what the funny thing is? When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay? Where does that leave me?

Susan:
You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. And who am I? There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day, there's no Lesbian Lover Day.

Ross:
Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.