Columbo, Season Three

Lt. Columbo:
They were written with a black eyebrow pencil. I spotted it right away because that's what my wife always uses when she makes out her grocery list. When she goes into her purse that's the only kind of pencil she can ever find.

Viveca Scott:
Then you're wasting your time here, aren't you Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
What do you mean?

Viveca Scott:
You're talking to a redhead. Brunettes use black eyebrow pencil.

Sergeant:
Hey, Lieutenant! What are you lookin' for?

Lt. Columbo:
Salt for my egg. I usually carry a shaker in my pocket.

Lt. Columbo:
Say, Miss Scott? Can I ask you a personal question?

Viveca Scott:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
It's, uh, well, you know it has to do with these pictures. You always wear a beauty mark. Only, this morning you don't have it on.

Viveca Scott:
Oh, is that all? It's just one of those things I never do before lunch time, darling. Bye-bye.

Lt. Columbo:
No. What I was wondering about was, uh, how do you put those things on? I mean, do you stick 'em on or do you paint 'em on or, uh... [she just stares at him] Well, I can tell you're not interested and your mind's someplace else. Don't worry about it. I'll ask somebody else.

Viveca Scott:
Oh, no, Lieutenant. I don't mind telling you. I use an eyebrow pencil, of course. A black one.

Lt. Columbo:
Still trying to figure out where I got my poison ivy.

Viveca Scott:
Poor thing. Still worried about your itch.

Lt. Columbo:
Are you worried about yours?

Lt. Columbo:
Where there's a microscope, there's always a slide.

Adrian Carsini:
Titian would have gone mad trying to mix so beautiful a red. And he would have failed dismally in the attempt.

Karen Fielding:
[at a wine auction] Do you really need it, Mr. Carsini?

Adrian Carsini:
Nobody really needs a $5000 bottle of wine, Karen. I just don't want anybody else to have it.

Lt. Columbo:
You two didn't have a fight or anything, did you?

Joan Stacey:
No, but...

Columbo:
Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?

Joan Stacey:
Three times.

Lt. Columbo:
Three times? I guess his feet are warm enough by now.

Adrian Carsini:
That's ironic.

Lt. Columbo:
Sir?

Adrian Carsini:
Well, I-I'm probably one of the few men in the world that could have told you that wine was spoiled and-and told you it was because it was overheated.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, sir. It required a very delicate palate.

Karen Fielding:
You're trying to turn me back into an employee.

Adrian Carsini:
You were never anything but an employee.

Karen Fielding:
Not anymore, Adrian, not anymore. I'm your partner now. And I intend on getting a great deal more from you than 700 a month and two weeks paid vacation. I gave you twelve years of my life. Now it's your turn to give me something.

Adrian Carsini:
You can't force me into loving you, Karen.

Karen Fielding:
Maybe not. But you don't have to love me to marry me. Lots of marriages have been built on much less.

Lt. Columbo:
I want you to teach me everything you know.

Wine Expert:
It took me forty years to acquire my expertise.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, what can you do in an hour and a half?

Wine Expert:
Oh, just the very basics.

Lt. Columbo:
Let's start with this-- How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?

Wine Expert:
By the price.

Lt. Columbo:
Do I get a confession, sir?

Adrian Carsini:
Oh yes. I'll confess. There's no remorse attached to it. It's a great weight off my mind as a matter of fact.

Lt. Columbo:
Why's that, sir?

Adrian Carsini:
Well you see, Karen had guessed the truth. She was turning the thumbscrews on me. She's, uh, quite a little iron maiden, that lady. I guess freedom is purely relative.

Adrian Carsini:
You've learned very well, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Thank you, sir. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

Nelson Hayward:
I've been calling the papers. I called your commissioner's office from Fresno. But what's being done, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
Uh.

Nelson Hayward:
Sit down, sit down.

Lt. Columbo:
So far, sir, we don't have a thing.

Nelson Hayward:
Oh, that's disheartening.

Lt. Columbo:
Officially, that is.

Nelson Hayward:
And unofficially?

Lt. Columbo:
Unofficially we don't have anything either.

Nelson Hayward:
Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change in wardrobe?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh no, no. Oh, well, every once in a while I think of getting a new coat. There's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fella.

Nelson Hayward:
Looks very functional.

Lt. Columbo:
Thank you.

[Columbo is at Hayward's swanky Beverly Hills tailor ordering a jacket]

Lt. Columbo:
What I mean is, would it, uh, fit...

Mr. Chadwick:
Would it fit your personality?

Lt. Columbo:
My style, is what I'm...

Mr. Chadwick:
Personality? Style?

Lt. Columbo:
Right.

Mr. Chadwick:
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Lt. Columbo:
You're sure?

Mr. Chadwick:
Guaranteed you'll be most satisfied.

Lt. Columbo:
Cause I want to look-- I'm going to an affair, you see.

Mr. Chadwick:
Splendid, an affair!

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah, my wife, she's in a bowling league. They're having this dinner dance. It's an annual thing. You know, $17.50 a couple. I want to look good.

Lt. Columbo:
Would you believe it, the first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.

Nelson Hayward:
[laughing] I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.

Lt. Columbo:
What do you mean, sir?

Nelson Hayward:
Nothing. It's a small joke.

Lt. Columbo:
I dug this bullet out of that wall three hours before you said that somebody fired it at you three minutes ago. [Long pause] You're under arrest, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
That's why the barrel and the chamber were clean when Ballistics checked out the gun. That's a lovely touch. A converter! I never figured on a converter.

Dr. Bart Kepple:
In that case I'm deeply grateful for one thing.

Lt. Columbo:
What's that, Doctor?

Dr. Bart Kepple:
That you've established that White was killed between 7:30 and 8 because you and I have been together constantly since 7:30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now. Otherwise I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.

Dr. Bart Kepple:
I'll ignore that because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you personally are my alibi.

Lt. Columbo:
And that's a tough nut to crack.

Dr. Bart Kepple:
That's not tough. That's impossible.

Lt. Columbo:
Can anyone confirm that?

Mrs. Norris:
No.

Lt. Columbo:
No one at all?

Mrs. Norris:
Nobody at all. Which means that I don't have what you call an alibi.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh yes you do, Mrs. Norris. You were at the corner of Valley and Magnolia.

Mrs. Norris:
With nobody to prove it.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I didn't say you had a good alibi but you do have an alibi.

Mrs. Norris:
Lieutenant, I didn't kill my husband.

Lt. Columbo:
I believe that.

Mrs. Norris:
You do?

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Norris:
Why?

Lt. Columbo:
My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies. She always picks the wrong murderer. I want to tell you something. If my wife decided to murder me she could come up with a better alibi than you got.

Mrs. Norris:
Thank you.

Lt. Columbo:
You're welcome.

Dr. Bart Kepple:
I know one thing, Lieutenant. You have to admit it. You never would have solved it without using my technique.

Lt. Columbo:
That's right, Doc. If there was a reward I'd support your claim to it.

[Waiter hands Columbo a check]

Lt. Columbo:
$6.00? Excuse me, uh, no, I think there's a mistake. I had the chili and the iced tea.

Waiter:
Oh. [adjusts figure]

Lt. Columbo:
$6.75?!

Waiter:
I forgot the iced tea.

Eddie Kane:
Oh hey, I made some drawings today for a chapter on Bouncing Betties. Did you find them?

Riley Greenleaf:
What's a Bouncing Betty?

Eddie Kane:
Antipersonnel mine. You gotta really plant these things just right. Now you see, you lay it down six inches, no more, and you leave the pressure plate with just about a half inch of dirt and leaves and the guy steps on it. Whammo! You get the legs! It's beautiful.

Riley Greenleaf:
[looking at Kane like he's nuts] Oh yeah, that's, that's beautiful.

Riley Greenleaf:
[intercom buzzes] Yes, Betsy?

Receptionist:
Mr. Greenleaf, there's a strange man wandering around the editorial section. I thought you should know.

Riley Greenleaf:
Well, what do you want me to do? If you want to get rid of him call the police.

Receptionist:
That's just it, sir. He says he IS the police.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh Mr. Chase! Uh, one thing. About that accident, do you happen to know who else was involved?

David Chase:
It's a couple from Del Monte. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan. Why?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, you see, I didn't know, uh, I just wasn't sure whether it was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and, uh, when, uh [looks over at Greenleaf] You know, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure whether there was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and when you said that you were relieved that THOSE people, more than one, that those people called your insurance man I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up and you were beginning to remember what happened.

David Chase:
Perhaps he is. Subconsciously.

Lt. Columbo:
That's probably it. His subconscious.

Lt. Columbo:
In this synopsis which you gave me which you claim Eddie Kane wrote nine months ago, the hero saves his men and he goes off to live in a monastery. I hate to tell you this, sir. There is no way that Eddie Kane could have had that idea. It wasn't even Allen Mallory's. It was given to him by his agent Miss McRae. And for the life of me I cannot figure out how Eddie Kane could have written an ending nine months ago that was only invented last week.

Lt. Columbo:
For $100,000 you don't kill off Rock Hudson.

Lt. Columbo:
He's involving you in murder. Was that part of the deal?

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
Not making much progress, huh?

Lt. Columbo:
I've got something. But, uh, motive-- it's uncertain and everybody's got an alibi. However, the world wasn't built in a day.

Steve Spelberg:
What's his name?

Lt. Columbo:
What? The dog? Well, he doesn't have a name. My wife and I, we could never agree on one. We just say Hey or Dog or whistle. Doesn't make any difference. He don't come when you call him anyway.

Lt. Columbo:
The house was spotless except for that scuff mark on the living room door.

Margaret Nichols:
I heard you noticed that. You're pretty observant.

Lt. Columbo:
Some people say I'm snoopy.

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
So all you have at the moment is a theory and right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.

Lt. Columbo:
It's the same way at the institution that I work at, Doctor.

Lt. Columbo:
That first day I couldn't give a hoot in hell about a thief. I was looking for a cigar smoker and there you were.

Tommy Brown:
You knew I was coming up here?

Lt. Columbo:
I knew. Then I didn't know. And then I knew.

Tommy Brown:
Now why would anybody want to kill me?

Lt. Columbo:
Mr. Brown, I don't know. But you are a celebrity and there are a lot of crackpots in the world and there's just no accounting for people's reactions. I mean sometimes I even wonder about my wife. Not that she's a crackpot.

Lt. Columbo:
I noticed that the arrangement was changed.

Tommy Brown:
You've got a good ear for music.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, you know I'm Italian.

Roland Pangborn:
Well, still be an awful lot of mountain to search for anything hidden or buried, a lot of mountain. Who could find it?

Lt. Columbo:
The guy who hid it.

Lt. Columbo:
Where did you first learn how to fly?

Tommy Brown:
Lieutenant, I thought you knew my whole life history by now.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh no, no. Uh, you know, people think we got all kinds of records on microfilms, all we gotta do is push a button and, uh...

Tommy Brown:
Well, don't you?

Lt. Columbo:
[pause] Yes, we do. But not everything.

Tommy Brown:
And I guess this, all this looks kinda bad, huh? This big house and this party goin' on and everything?

Lt. Columbo:
No sir, no sir. It's kinda refreshing. You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it. I mean they don't even call us in unless that's what it is, somebody dead. So naturally I see a lot of grief.

Lt. Columbo:
Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.

Luke Basket:
That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That's good, isn't it?

Lt. Columbo:
Um, yeah. That explains it.

Roland Pangborn:
You know something, Lieutenant? I could use a man like you on my team. It's really nothing but detective work.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh no, thank you very much. You fellas, you have to fly.

Roland Pangborn:
Sure. We're all pilots.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh no, not for me, thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.

Roland Pangborn:
Why? We'd teach you.

Lt. Columbo:
I appreciate it, sir. But, uh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.

Tommy Brown:
You're a sanctimonious hypocrite of a Bible-spouting blackmailer and I've given you your last chance to be fair!

Edna Brown:
May God forgive me for letting a devil help me build a temple.

Tommy Brown:
And what if your devil quits. What are you gonna do?

Lt. Columbo:
Commissioner Halperin says he found those jewels under your mattress.

Artie Jessup:
That's crazy.

Mark Halperin:
You're a liar!

Artie Jessup:
Hey, I don't even live here!

Mark Halperin:
What?!?

Lt. Columbo:
I can verify that, sir. He doesn't live here. I live here.

Lt. Columbo:
Commissioner, I believe you killed your wife. And I believe you either killed Janice Caldwell or you're covering up for it.

Mark Halperin:
You just lost your badge, my friend.

Lt. Columbo:
You must have a lot of those, sir.

Mark Halperin:
What?

Lt. Columbo:
Gut feelings.

Mark Halperin:
What are you talking about?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, you had a gut feeling last night.

Mark Halperin:
I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean, last night?

Lt. Columbo:
When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.

Mark Halperin:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
I found out you asked for me when you first called in.

Mark Halperin:
I did.

Lt. Columbo:
What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before. Yet from your bedroom window when you called in, you asked for me. I was just trying to figure out how you knew the woman was already dead.

Lt. Duffy:
Haven't you ever heard of future shock? The world's going to hell with itself. Believe me, Columbo. Times have changed.

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah. Maybe.