American Dad!, Season 1

Stan Smith:
[picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.

Principal Lewis:
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.

Stanley Smith:
Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. [takes out a vial and starts chugging down pills]

Principal Lewis:
Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.

Stan Smith:
I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth] Henry, antidote.

Stan Smith:
Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!

Hayley Smith:
You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.

Stan Smith:
You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]

Hayley Smith:
[staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.

Stan Smith:
This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!

Francine Smith:
It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the shot-up toast]

Girl:
Hey, I love your dog.

Guy:
Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?

Girl:
Okay.

Guy:
And then we can play with this dog.

Stan Smith:
[carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?

Roger Smith:
Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing because that's a giant load of crap!

Hayley Smith:
Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?

Stan Smith:
Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.

Steve Smith:
Hilary, could you pass the salt?

Stan Smith:
[holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.

Stan Smith:
Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?

Steve Smith:
You said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith:
I said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith:
Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.

Principal Lewis:
Smith! What's the meaning of this?!

Steve Smith:
Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuette 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."

Principal Lewis:
You can read! The school system works! [dejectedly] I'll be back for my stuff.

Steve Smith:
All periods will now be called Steves.

[shift to a classroom scene]

Boy #1:
[to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?

Boy #2:
Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.

Teacher:
[to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.

Girl:
Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.

Roger Smith:
By the way, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles!

Stan:
What makes you think you're going to survive?

Roger:
My species is immune to all human ailments.

Stan:
So explain that cold sore.

Roger:
Mind your own business!

Steve:
I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.

Francine:
Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.

Hayley:
Here's to Mom! She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.

Stan:
: Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?

Waitress:
Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.

Stan:
You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.

Francine:
I did both.

Stan:
Well you can just do it all, can't you?

Steve:
Toshi, you have a video camera, right?

Toshi:
[subtitled] You assume this because I am Asian. You are a racist.

Steve:
Wow, that's a lot of words for of course.

[Stan gets up from hot tub naked.]

Greg:
Take a picture, why don't you?

Terry:
I'm just being polite. It'd be rude not to look.

Stan:
I could have assassinated you!

Francine:
What?

Stan:
Nothing.

Steve:
I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink, Dad!

Stan:
Oh, come on. What's more important? Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother?

Roger:
Tams, I gotta go. Yeah, the boss is being a real Catch U Next Tuesday.

Francine:
This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.

Woman:
Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.

Francine:
Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.

Woman:
We're adopting.

(Stan is yelling at Hayley for dying her hair green and going to an Independent Party rally)

Stan:
You missed family game night for that?! Go wash it out; you look like a slutty wad of money.

Hayley:
No way!

Stan:
[quickly reassembles, points gun at Hayley] Yes way!

Francine:
Stan!

Stan:
She started it!

(The morning after:
Hayley wakes up to find that Stan shaved her head in her sleep)

Francine:
It's okay honey, you don't look like a giant penis.

Francine:
How's everyone's French toast?

Stan:
Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!

Stan:
These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.

Hayley:
Those are terrible!

Stan:
Hey, girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

Stan:
You get back here, Hayley! No? Well, I didn't want to had to use this, but-- Rhubarb!

Francine:
"Rhubarb"?

Stan:
Hmm, that's her trigger word; I had her brainwashed at five. She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take. [a zoned-out Steve walks by in the background with a sniper rifle]

[Steve, after tutoring a girl, tries to convince her that Roger, his "sister," is a burn victim]

Steve:
I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?

Kim:
That's terrible!

Steve:
Only her taint survived.

[Hayley, working as a bar girl at the strip club, brings a guy a beer]

Man:
Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.

Hayley:
But I just brought you one.

Man:
Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. [pours beer down his pants]

Stan:
How could you let Hayley do this?!

Jeff:
Do what?

Stan:
Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's, her...her...uh...aw, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....

Jeff:
Her Sno-Balls?

Stan:
You bastard!

Stan:
[fighting a stripper in a Bo-Peep outfit] Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in hell!

Stan:
This midnight fishing is great.

Avery:
Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to go home.

Stan:
Yeah, I'm laying low. Today is the anniversary of a huge fight me and Francine got into last year.

Stan's coworker:
Yeah? What about?

Stan:
Oh, I forgot our anniversary. [his coworkers look at him in realisation] I'm never gonna do that again!

Coworker:
I...

[Avery silences him. Stan takes a swig of his beer and sighs contentedly. He takes another drink... And then the penny drops]

Stan:
[screams]

Avery:
There it is!

Bullock:
Reverse memory erasing? Now that would be science fiction.

Hayley:
My mother stole my boyfriend!

Stan:
Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!

[pause]

Stan:
Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Stan:
[talking about euthanising a racoon] She said it was the most compassionate thing she'd ever seen.... And I got to kill something. It was a magical moment.

Bill Pullman:
Has your loved one's memory been irretrievably lost? Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You might not remember me from such movies as "While You Were Sleeping" and "Twister". Wait, was I in "Twister"? No, no that was Bill Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky. So that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them, their brain will implode. Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman. Oh, oh, I was also in Independence D... [TV turns off]

Stan:
Jeff Daniels is right.

Roger:
[after spraying Mace in the face of an ugly girl screaming and falling down on the floor] I know, I know, bad for the ozone

Roger:
[after knocking out two girls with a frying pan] Did you see where they went?

Steve:
Who?

Roger:
The black guys who did this.

Stan:
[after electrocuting terrorists] I just made a killing in the shock market!

Roger:
[after being thought dead and being thrown in a dumpster] Can't a guy go into a stress induced hibernation without getting thrown in the trash?

Old lady:
[spitting at the Lincoln Memorial] That's for freein' the slaves, ya Negro-lovin' Yankee Devil!

Roger:
[gritting his teeth] And suddenly, things turned ugly.

Klaus:
Now here's your allowance: five bubbles. [blows five bubbles] Ah, what the hell--six bubbles. [blows another bubble and whispers] Don't tell your mother.

Stan:
[gets in the passenger side of a car] Stan Smith, CIA! To the Smithsonian! Oh wait, this my car. [shifts over to the driver's side] Even better!

Stan:
Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.

Hayley:
Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Roger:
Hey, Hayley, got a minute?

Hayley:
Roger? You're alive? Or is this like an episode of the Twilight Zone where I talk to you from beyond the grave but only with terrible ironic results?

Roger:
Oh, thats's right, it's past noon, you're already high. Let me talk to the fish.

Stan:
[after Steve calls him a monster] I'm not a monster. [a skull pops out of the boiler. Stan kicks it back in.]

Francine:
Hayley, why don't you say grace?

Hayley:
I'll pass.

Steve:
Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"

Stan:
[clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Stan:
[after his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler--that I as an American have every right to drive.

Stan:
So, what part of Islam do you hail from?

Bob:
Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.

Stan:
Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.

Francine:
It's potluck, so bring whatever you want.

Stan:
But not smallpox. Ha, kidding. Kinda joking but not really!

Stan:
Well, if you're ever taken hostage by, say, a neighbor, and you end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this [blinks quickly as an example] and I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.

Steve:
But then I'd be dead.

Stan:
Oh, c'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist....Well she must be at least sixteen by now. You could totally hit that!

Francine:
I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?

Stan:
It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorists!" and everyone ran away.

[Francine frowns at him]

Stan:
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin your party. And I'm, like, "You were there, baby. You had a front-row seat."

[Francine is pointing a gun at Stan to get him to release their neighborhood from their backyard]

Francine:
Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!

Stan:
Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!

Klaus:
Why so sensitive all of a sudden?

Roger:
I happen to be going through my reproductive cycle. It's complicated. Here. I'll draw you a diagram. Every 6 years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus. [milks his breasts]

Klaus:
Ugh! Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. [defecates; sighs] I'm always in mein crapper.

[after Klaus reveals that Roger ate all of Francine's potato salad.]

Roger:
You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?

Klaus:
I'm German. It's what we do.

Roger [after Klaus reveals Roger's secret to producing more milk]:
Why, Klaus? Why?!

Klaus:
Ja. Still German.

[after Karl Rove is seated at the kitchen table]

Hayley:
Wait, I know you! You're the amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!

Karl Rove:
Thank you.

Stan:
There is one person I would like to thank... [Francine stands up] Karl Rove! [wolf howls while Francine looks down in disappointment] Karl, come up here.

[Karl moves into the church doorway and he begins to emit smoke, screaming in pain. He then stands back.]

Karl:
I'm good here. My work is done! [transforms into a swarm of bats and flies off]

Francine:
[to Stan] You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White. Why do you hate him so much?

Stan:
Look at his life, Francine. He's got a bigger paycheck, a better wife, better kids...

Francine:
Stan, that's incredibly hurtful!

Stan:
I know! That's why I really wanna shove it in his face this time!

[Roger explaining the "secret ingredient" in Francine's potato salad]

Roger:
Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.

[Francine does so. Roger's milk squirts out of his breasts. Francine, Heyley and Steve vomit in disgust]

Roger:
Mystery solved.

Stan:
I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?

Steve:
What am I gonna do?!

Hayley:
Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.

Stan:
Not in this house he doesn't. We're conservatives! And the one way we don't like to kill things is that way!

Steve:
[after holding hands with Betsy] I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!

Francine:
We can bring chips and dip to the wake.

Stan:
Chips and dip? Tell you what, Francine. Why don't you just take this broom here, [hands her a broom] I'll bend over and grab my ankles, [does so] you lube up the handle real good, and just sweep me out the door. Cos that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon if the best we can do is chips and dip!

Francine:
I can make potato salad.

Stan:
Potato salad? Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. [about to leave the room, then stops] That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.

Christie White:
We'll call you in Aunt Janet's farm in Iowa once you get settled.

Betsy White:
So does this mean I don't have to do gymnastics any more?

Christie White:
Of course it does!

Chuck White:
You should have thought of that before doing the splits all over town! Ha Ha!

Stan:
[abdicating his position as Deacon] It's an bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.

[last lines]

Stan:
So, what if Chuck White is deacon now? So what if he has a bigger paycheck and a bigger car and a nicer house? None of that matters, because I've got-- [looks at Steve, smiles, then looks at Hayley. Does a face and points at her; unfazed at Steve, and looks at his plate. Peers at Steve at depressed state, looks at his plate once more.]

Stan:
Son, you're keeping your alien baby.

Steve:
Thanks, dad.

Mexican Doctor:
Did you say "alien baby"?

Stan:
No, I said "Doctor's corpse found in desert".

Mexican Doctor:
Oh, right. Right.

Francine:
It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?

Stan:
Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. [Roger places a human-folded napkin with a ball-like attached to its foot] What the hell is this?

Roger:
Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans, I dunno why.

Hayley:
I know it's crazy, but I like him. He challenges me, and besides, he has a really huge--

Stan:
Penis! I mean, Hayley. Dammit! I was trying to cut you off before you said--

Hayley:
I was going to say heart but, well, you shined his shoes.

Francine:
I may be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.

[Hayley and Jeff are on the hike]

Hayley:
Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.

Jeff:
What? But-but we're so good together.

Hayley:
No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.

Jeff:
You're right. I so do that.

Stan:
I got the promotion, Francine!

Francine:
Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.

Stan:
And you're not the man I married!

Francine:
That doesn't make any sense.

Stan:
It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

[Steve is calling India]

Steve:
Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.

[Roger takes the receiver from him]

Roger:
Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.

[Jeff is standing drunk in front of the Smith house]

Jeff:
Hayley! Hayley! [Hayley shows up]

Hayley:
What do you want, Jeff?

Jeff:
I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back.

Hayley:
No.

Jeff:
Okay. Bye.

Jeff:
Quick! Pretend you don't know me!

Waitress:
I don't know you!

Jeff:
Oh, I'm sorry. Jeff Fischer.

Stan:
It's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground!

Francine:
Stan!

Stan:
Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal. [Francine walks off. He takes out a lighter] Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world.

Steve:
I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.

Francine:
Aw... Now why would you say that?

Steve:
Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.

Francine:
Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.

Steve:
Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters.

Francine:
That's creepy, honey.

[Stan and Francine are making out on the kitchen table. Steve walks in. Stan jumps off the table immediately while Francine is still laying on it]

Stan:
Steve!

Steve:
Is this a bad time?

Stan:
No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother. [starts doing so]

[Steve enters the bathroom, where Stan is about to "heal" himself]

Steve:
Dad! There you are!

Stan:
Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

Steve:
Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.

Dr. Heisler:
Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?

Francine:
I don't think--

Dr. Heisler:
Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!

Francine:
Can I just get a little Botox?

Dr. Heisler:
[disappointed] No one ever wants the super-boob.

Stan:
[bending antennas on TV in anger] Murderer! You killed my son!

Steve:
I'm still alive, Dad.

Stan:
Yes, but you're dead inside.

Steve:
So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?

Stan:
That's right. Or angels will kill you.

Snot:
I've never been to a baseball game before.

Stan:
Yeah well, wait till you hear who pulled some strings to get us into the Yankee locker room.

Barry:
You?

Stan:
I SAID WAIT PORK CHOP!! Whoa-whoa! Where'd that come from? Uh, yes Steve's friend, it was me.

Hayley:
[to Roger] I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.

Roger:
That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. [pauses] Did I say thrill? I meant fear.

[Stan is at the dentist]

Dentist:
Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class A grinder. Now, I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father one fateful afternoon in Rome. No, you're a Class A grinder, meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.

Stan:
Braces? You've got to be kidding!

Dentist:
I only wish, Mr. Smith. And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love with that filthy fat gypsy. And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!" before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.

Stan:
But I've already had braces, doctor! I've paid my dues!

[The last line triggers a flashback of his father and the monkey, which apparently traumatizes the Dentist to the point of becoming emotionless.]

Dentist:
[grimly] Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?

'[Stan finds Roger in the bathroom beaten, shaking and drinking coffee.]

Roger:
I got beat up by a taco!

[after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80]

Snot:
Dude, she's got wrinkles!

Steve:
So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.

Francine:
You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.

Stan:
Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.

Francine:
Oh, Stan, please.

Stan:
Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!

Francine:
Okay, I get it!

[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]

Jack:
Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.

Stan:
Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?

[Roger and Hayley talking about Jack in Hayley's room]

Roger:
Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.

Hayley:
Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?

Roger:
No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

Stan:
Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!

Stan:
So you know that Bullock claims to know everything. Well he didn't know his mother had cancer untill it was too late to operate.

Public:
*shocked* OH!

Stan:
Hahahahaha...

Stan:
All right, everyone stay calm. We may be in Saudi Arabia, but it doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother.

Steve:
How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?

Hayley:
They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.

Stan:
It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.

Roger:
[after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?

Hayley:
There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.

Roger:
[Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?

Stan:
I'm find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home. Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!

Francine:
Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.

Steve:
Mom, he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.

Francine:
Steve-

Steve:
Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? Black man don't go to Colorado.

[Hayley notices that Jeff is eating corn-dog in the movie theater]

Hayley:
Jeff, that's a corn-dog! We're vegetarian!

Jeff:
Still?

Roger:
Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [drinks bottle] Hmm, tastes like I might die.

Stan:
Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]

Francine:
Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]

Francine:
[landing on the ground after being punched by Thundercat] You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance!

Stan:
Quick!, cover your mouth. Thats how they enter your body to lay their eggs

Steve:
Can I see your boobs?

Jolie/God:
I must warn you. Those who've stared into the bosom of eternal wisdom have been driven hopelessly insane.

Steve:
Wow. Now I have to see them!

[Stan and Francine in the market]

Stan:
I say Saudi Arabia's the greatest country in the world.

Francine:
Greatest country in the world?

[sings]

We packed our bags, we hopped a plane, we left our happy home.

Stan:
Uh, Francine, singing is kind of illegal here.

Francine:

The culture seemed a bit insane, but you said, "Hey, when in Rome."

Stan:
Uh, seriously, Francine, ix-nay on the inging-...

Francine:

Maybe you've got no reason to complain,

But I've got no Y chromosome.

[speaks]

So here's what I don't like about Saudi Arabia. Hit it!

[sings as the music starts]

You can't go out unless you are escorted by a man.

And when you do, you come home with a butt crack full of sand.

No alcohol, no rum and Cokes, and no Dom Perignon.

At least a girl can have a smoke.

Man:
But not on Ramadan.

Oh, it's a land of joy, if you are a boy.

But if you are a girl, it's the worst place in the world.

Stan:
Okay, Francine. We get it!

Francine:
Oh, but I'm just getting started.

American girls, we do pilates.

Starve ourselves until we're hotties.

Why? Because we like our bodies!

Check me out, you uptight Saudis!

[she strips down to her lingere and boots]

Oh, it's so awfully grand...

Stan:
Come on, Francine, stop singing.

Francine:
If you are a man.

Stan:
I'm only backup singing.

Francine:
If you don't take me home soon, Stan, I think I'm gonna hurl!

It's the worst place in the world!

Stan:
I started this point system, and she's way behind.

Francine:
I only want to see the world, explore, and socialize.

But in this town, I can't so much as look at other guys!

Cause if I did they'd call me harlot, whore, adulteress.

I'd bet my last riyal you fellas won't approve of this!

Who wants a kiss?

It's great if you're from Mars, but not if you're from Venus.

If you want to drive a car, you'd better have a penis.

So if you've got a vagina...

Man 1:
Oh!

A vulva..

Man 2:
Eeee!

A clitoris...

Man 3:
What is a clitoris?

And a labia...

[to the home audience] You see where I'm going with this.

Stay the hell away from Saudi Arabia!

[US airport, Stan kisses the ground]

Hayley:
Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.

Stan:
Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.

But you know, I will admit America has its flaws.

Steve:
Really Dad, like what?

[sings]

Stan:
Well there's...

Free speech, and there's gun control, and lousy Democrats.

The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat.

The women have careers and form opinions of their own.

We let our wives control our lives...

Francine:
Damn it's good to be home!

[family singing]

Our life's not always great, in these United States.

But remember boys and girls...

It's not the worst place in the world!

Steve:
It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.

Roger:
Oh, and uh, what happens in Saudi Arabia, stays in Saudi Arabia. Ok, seriously.

Francine:
[on the phone] Deputy Director Bullock, will you please offer Stan his job back?

Bullock:
Francine, what a surprise. I already offered Stan his job back. He said, "No." [hangs up]

[Francine screams loudly and Klaus' fish bowl breaks]

Klaus:
Your family may have moved to Saudi Arabia, but I'm the real fish out of water! [laughs, then suddenly stopping] Seriously, I'm dying.

[At the court in Saudi Arabia]

Judge:
I'm sorry, counselor. What did you say your name is?

Rosenblatt:
Irv Rosenblatt.

Judge:
[bangs gavel] Guilty!

Rosenblatt:
Every single case! Oy! This is a tough town.

Stan:
Oh, God, we're all going to die... and our lives meant nothing, absolutely nothing! L- I mean, uh, something comforting.

[Cell Phone Ringing]

Judge:
That's me. Sorry. Hang on. Yello. Oh, hello, sir. What? But they're infidels. Fine. Great. (gets off the phone) Rock blocked. You're free to go.

Stan:
What do you think happened?

[cut to palace, where it's revealed that Roger's husband made the call]

Husband:
Okay, beast with two backs. Now. (drops his trousers)

Roger:
Oh, that's what all the fuss is about? Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.

Stan:
Pen-gun, mightier than the sword.

Stan:
[holding sword, blade folds to reveal a barrel] Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun.

Roger:
[talking to his cookie] Shush...don't speak. I'll go get some milk for your bath

[after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]

Stan:
Hey, son!

Steve:
Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]

Stan:
[after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?

Hayley:
Steve! What are you doing?

Steve:
[suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]

Roger:
[in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

Francine:
Look at you two. Who would've thought guns would bring you so close together?

Stan:
I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.

Stan:
This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!

Hayley:
What?!

Stan:
Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

Steve:
Funny, I always wanted a pool filled with cherry Jell-O. Well, in the end I got it. I got a lot of other things on my rise to stardom. Women... respect... that joke about the ten-inch pianist... Can't believe I never got that before.

Steve:
So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring, as boring as a bad metaphor. Or simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.

Francine:
Any letters for me?

Stan:
No, just another postcard saying that your hair looks like crap - hey, it's from me!

Stan:
Francine, when I look at your hair I doubt I could eat the amount I wanna vomit.

Francine:
Wow! For housewives, those Ladybugs really have it all: a fast-lane life and a slow-motion walk.

Linda:
Ugh. They're snobs, Francine. A girl would have to be pretty desperate to wanna associate-

Francine:
Christie! [approaches to Ladybugs] Remember me? Francine. Oh, how I wish I could peel off your skin, put it on and be you. [pauses] I mean, hi.

[Hayley enters her room, where Steve and Klaus are reading her diary]

Hayley:
What are you doing?

Klaus:
Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.

Steve:
Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

[Francine tries to convince Stan to keep Fussy the dog, but Stan refuses]

Stan:
Forget it, Francine! We've already got something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger.

Francine:
Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs, and they found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me!

Stan:
A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.

[Stan is about to punch Roger, and Roger accidentally hits Stan in the crotch. Stan groans and falls on his knees]

Roger:
Oh, God, I forgot. That's where you humans keep your boys. I'm so, so sorry. Here, let me help. [punches him in the crotch again] Don't be startin' what you can't finish, bitch.

Klaus:
There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary. It... ended badly. But enough about Fran Drescher! [laughs] You thought I was making a Holocaust joke! [angrily] Shame on you!

Francine:
Hey, Linda. Wanna go to that art auction?

Linda:
We can't. It's our biweekly puzzle night. We are this close to finishing that covered bridge.

Francine:
But wouldn't it be fun to mix it up a little?

Linda:
You're right. Let's do the rest of the puzzle without looking at the box! Flying blind! Whoo!

[Roger sits at the dinner table with a cigarette in his mouth]

Stan:
Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house!

Roger:
And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.

Stan:
Are you drunk?

Roger:
Working on it.

Klaus:
If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's G-string.

[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]

Stan:
This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?

Klaus:
An elevated blood-alcohol content.

[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]

Stan:
Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!

Klaus:
You're watching The Price Is Right.

Stan:
Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!

Stan:
[alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]

[Francine runs after Stan, trips over the mop and goes face first into the doorknob giving her a black eye]:

[Two cops come up to her]:

Francine:
I deserved it for leaving the mop out.

Stan:
Francine, this is unacceptable! [stomps rocket boot, flies into Brad's Cactus Shack's left window] Aahhh! (crick!) Aahhh! (splash!) Aahhh!

Stan:
Dammit! I have to stop Klaus! [stomp] Aagh!

Greg:
Well, another successful trip to Brad's Cactus Shack.

Terry:
Oh, can't you believe they were just giving away free razor blades?

Greg:
I'll turn on our new lemon juice waterfall.

Stan:
Ah! Ooh! Aahhh!

Stan:
I have to kill Klaus before he steals Francine, there's no time to loose!

Valet:
That'll be three dollars.

Stan:
What? That's a total rip, I'll park it myself.

···

Stan:
Grrr!

···

Stan:
All I have is a five.

Valet:
Sorry, I don't have change.

Stan:
Oh forget it, I'll park it myself!

···

Stan:
Uh-uh-uh-eraaaaaaggh!!

Klaus:
[closing lines, after he is reverted back into a goldfish] I guess it's true what they say; once you're black, there's no going back.

Stan:
[Reading the instructions, trying to make Mac&Cheese] Hmm... "Boil water." What am I, a chemist?

Steve:
[Talking To Barry] You gonna use your diaper? Kinda floating over here.

Barry:
Sure let me just [Screams] Sorry ocupodo.

Guy #1:
It's all set, right?

Guy #2:
It's gonna be just like in Carrie. [pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan]

Guy #1:
Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood.

Guy #2:
I didn't finish the book.

Guy #1:
You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.

Roger:
Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!

Steve:
Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"

Roger:
Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

Mitch:
A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough... of life.

Roger:
[sarcastically as he goes on a delivery with Mitch] Oh, this is gonna be life changing.

[cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house; this time]

Roger:
[wide-eyed] That was totally life changing!

[Klaus, Hayley and Jeff are sitting around stoned, after having eaten marijuana brownies]

Klaus:
They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.

Hayley:
Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?

[The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]

Klaus:
Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!

Hayley:
Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!

Klaus:
It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!

Dr. Gupta:
When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."

Roger:
I've heard of that.

Dr. Gupta:
We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental prodecure your insurance won't cover.

Stan:
That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!

Dr. Gupta:
It's $178,000.

Stan:
What if I don't need her to talk?

Steve:
Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting, we must harvest them.

[he puts on his headphones and starts recording the phone call; he signals for Hayley to start; Hayley dials Trudy's number]

Trudy:
Hello?

Hayley:
Miss Lawrence, just a few questions for a fitness survey. Where do you typically work out?

Trudy:
At the gym.

Hayley:
Good. And where is it located?

Trudy:
About 3 miles north of here.

Hayley:
After you work out, how do you relax?

Trudy:
I get a massage.

Hayley:
And when your car is not in "drive", it's in…

Trudy:
"Park"!

Hayley:
And if you're from Brazil, you're…

Trudy:
You're Brazilian! Look. Is this a crank call?

Hayley:
Hold, please.

Trudy:
I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet…

[Hayley hangs up]

Hayley:
Did you get it?

Steve:
Got it.

[he dials Miles' number; cut to Miles' home; his phone rings]

Answering machine:
Please leave a message.

[a tone is heard, then Steve, after editing a recording of the phone conversation, plays it just as Miles walks up to his phone]

Trudy:
Hello,… Jim.

Miles:
Who's Jim?

Trudy:
I… can't… wait… to… massage… your… Brazilian… crank. Meet… me… at… 3:00… at the…

[Steve plays a second of West End Girls]

Pet Shop Boys:
West End.

Trudy:
Of the... park. I'm… leaving… Miles.

Miles:
She must've dialed my number by mistake. She's cheating on me!

[he falls to his knees in tears as Hayley and Steve laugh and dance victoriously]

Stan:
Steve, I can't believe you're here! [he and his friend are doing chemistry] The Schwartzstein's house is going off. It's like a damn Ludacris video; pimp cups, shorties, it's all crunked out.

Steve:
We're quantifying the molecular--

Stan:
Steve, if you're gonna crawl out this geek squad, you gotta log some time with the cool kids. Now get goin'! I'd-uh-ditch Fatty and Dim Sum on the way here; they're gonna blow the ratio.

Steve:
Damn your experimental steroids!

Stan:
It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.

Steve:
Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! [pulls front of bathrobe] I have boobs!

Stan:
Oh, my God!

Klaus:
I know. Talk about a butterface.

Roger:
What are you doing, you animals?! Feet on the couch-I just steam cleaned! Salsa on the carpet?! But I vacuumed! [spots a male putting a beer can on the TV, sees a hand putting a cup on table, and another places a beer can on the same table then a droplet splashed] Coasteeerrrrrs! Aaaagggghhhh!

Hayley:
[held by Deaf Teddy] Ow! Let go of me!

Francine:
Hayley, what are you doing here?

Hayley:
I was worried...you were acting so crazy, so I followed you.

Deaf Teddy:
[through sign language] I found her eavesdropping. Also, I'll need some time off in March. My wife's really on my ass.

Waitress:
Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. [two men wave at Stan and Steve]

Stan:
Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.

Francine (before leaving for her next operation):
Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on Scrubs don't have time to be funny. (leaves)

Klaus (sadly):
I like Scrubs.

Steve:
[to evil Barry] Sure, you can kill me with your gun, but are you willing to try something much more elaborate and unnecessary?

Barry:
Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.

Stan:
Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

Barry:
Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)

Stan:
Great, it's the fat one.

Steve:
That's a doormat, Barry.

Barry:
Who's Matt Barry?

Stan:
God, I hate you so much!

Steve:
Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?

Francine:
If it's okay with his parents.

Barry:
Oh, they won't care. They never care.

Stan:
Good people. My kind of people.

(Barry's watch beeps)

Barry:
Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?

Stan:
Fatty can use the garden hose!

Francine:
(to Stan) Are you still moping about Steve? Come on. He's just going through a phase. It's like Steve is America and you're Arrested Development. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means he's not interested in you.

Stan:
Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?" (Laughs) Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.

Steve:
Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint?! Yeah, I'd rather die.

Stan:
Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.

Roger:
Wow, that's really, really boring.

Stan:
I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.

Roger:
Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.

Hayley:
Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.

Roger:
What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan. I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.

Hayley:
You care about the Eskimos?

Roger:
Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Steve:
(to Barry) Hey, that's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate. You can't touch that. You know how much that'll be worth in a few months when she's dead?

Stan:
(about Barry) Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat.

Stan:
So, Barry, want to wind down by watching the best movie ever, Red Dawn?

Barry:
I'm Barry!

Stan:
Man, I'm getting hungry. Hey, let's go dig up your mother so she can make us breakfast!

Barry:
Yes, Francine's first on my list. My list to kill! My name is Barry.

Barry:
Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.

[Foster children are working in Roger's vineyard]

Roger:
That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.

Foster Child:
Water break, boss?

Roger:
Oh, honey, don't call me "boss". That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me "Dad".

Foster Child:
Water break, Dad?

Roger:
No.

[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]

Francine:
Well, I'd better run. George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.

Stan:
Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing, no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell, Francine? What is this really about? I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just cut my hair different for a while.

Francine:
What is this about? Just look at that f***er with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!

Stan:
Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!

Francine:
Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator? Oh, I will f***ing chop his head in two!

Stan:
Francine, don't you see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him, but... he has no one that depends on him. But you, you have a family: A son, a daughter...

Francine:
...and a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.

Stan:
Of course! I assumed you did!

[both laugh]

Francine:
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

[both turn to Clooney]

Francine:
You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.