Columbo, Season Seven

Abigail Mitchell:
Just think, Lieutenant. If you had investigated my niece's death, all this need never have happened.

Abigail Mitchell:
Ah, look. An unfinished A. A for Annie. Did Annie my maid do it? We haven't got a butler.

Lt. Columbo:
That must have been very hard, losing someone you love like that. I've been very lucky. I lost my parents. That's the way of the world. But to lose someone that young, that's like being cheated. That's very hard.

Abigail Mitchell:
I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.

Lt. Columbo:
Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.

Lt. Columbo:
Now you're inheriting the property and all, so I'd like you to be there too. I could run you over. My car's right here. It's French, very rare.

Abigail Mitchell:
Uh, yes. Oh, I can see why.

Lt. Columbo:
[to group of murder mystery fans] I like my job. Oh, I like it a lot. And I'm not depressed by it. And I don't think the world is full of criminals and full of murderers because it isn't. It's full of nice people just like you. And if it wasn't for my job I wouldn't be getting to meet you like this. And I'll tell you something else. Even with some of the murderers that I meet, I even like them too. Sometimes like them and even respect them. Not for what they did, certainly not for that. But for that part of them which is intelligent or funny or just nice. Because there's niceness in everyone. A little bit anyhow. You can take a cop's word for it.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, wait a minute. Let me see that shoe. Oh, that's a very nice shoe. You like that shoe, Sergeant?

Sergeant:
It's very nice, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
It's practically new. That's terrific. I'm looking for a pair of shoes just like this. See, I like them rounded toes. It's French style. The French thought of that. [looks inside shoe] Oh. Made in Italy. Well, what's the difference? I like them.

Lt. Columbo:
Good Evening, Ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo, Homicide. I'd like to speak to Paul Gerard. Is he home?

Eve:
I'm not sure.

Lt. Columbo:
Is it a big house or is he just out to the police?

Mr. Ozu:
Tell me, Lieutentant, do you have a suspect yet?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, I have my eye on someone...

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, one more thing. Gee, I almost forgot what I came here to ask you.

Paul Gerard:
Fortunately you remembered.

Lt. Columbo:
As you're an expert on restaurants, sir, I wanted to ask you. Do you know anything about the Restaurant Developers Association?

Paul Gerard:
I don't know anything about it, Lieutenant. I've never heard of it. [turning to Eve] Have you?

Eve:
No. No, Lieutenant, I'm sorry.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, that's alright, ma'am. As the Chinese say, "There's more than one fish in the sea."

Paul Gerard:
When did you first suspect me?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, after it happened, sir, about two minutes after I met you.

Paul Gerard:
That can't be possible.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, you made it perfectly clear, sir, the very first night when you decided to come to the restaurant directly after you were informed that Vittorio was poisoned.

Paul Gerard:
I was instructed to come here by the police.

Lt. Columbo:
And you came, sir.

Paul Gerard:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
After eating dinner with a man that had been poisoned. You didn't go to a doctor. You came because the police instructed you. You didn't go to a hospital. You didn't even ask to have your stomach pumped. Mr. Gerard, that's the damnedest example of good citizenship I've ever seen.

Lt. Columbo:
In those days everything was bad for your eyes. Not wearing mittens was bad for your eyes. Wearing rubbers in the house, that would strike you blind right on the spot.

Lt. Columbo:
Either there was no motive at all like in those crazy kind of murders that you read about in the newspaper. Or there was a very good motive, one that makes terrific sense. And that's what keeps going around in my mind-- motive.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, there's something that I don't understand, ma'am, and maybe I should. Uh, I probably should. Lord knows I'm not the brightest guy on the force. Another detective, he could cut right through this.

Eric Mason:
You're a fascinating man, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
To a psychologist, sir?

Eric Mason:
You pass yourself off as a puppy in a raincoat happily running around the yard digging holes all up in the garden, only you're laying a mine field and wagging your tail.

Eric Mason:
Very good, Lieutenant. Remarkable, really. You take control very well, all the way. I'd swear you'd taken my course.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh no, sir. Oh no, never. It's just that I enjoy the pleasure of the game.

Lt. Columbo:
Very simple case. Not that I'm particularly bright, sir. I must say I found you disappointing, I mean your incompetence. You left enough clues to sink a ship.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, you killed him with a phone call, sir. I'll bet my life on it.

Eric Mason:
Really, you have a morbid streak, Lieutenant. I should have suspected that.

Lt. Columbo:
Thank you very much, sir. I'll explain to Mrs. Columbo how my condition is work dominated.

Eric Mason:
Well, I think she might have guessed.

Joe Devlin:
Do you know these lines, Lieutenant? They're by Lewis Carroll. "You can charge me with murder or want of sense. We are all of us weak at times. But the slightest approach to a false pretense was never among my crimes."

Lt. Columbo:
Well, sir, you pretended to raise money to help the Irish victims and all the while you were planning to make more victims. Wasn't that a pretense, sir?

Joe Devlin:
Politics makes liars of us all, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
There once was a fella named Finnegan, Who escaped from a jail, so to sin again He broke laws by the dozen, He even stole from his cousin, So the jail he broke outta he's in again.

Lt. Columbo:
There once was an old man from Lyne. He took three wives at a time. When asked why a third, he said, "One is absurd, and two, my friends is a crime."

Lt. Columbo:
Forgive me, ma'am, for being indelicate like that but you know all the years that I've been doing this kind of work I still don't know how to make it sound inoffensive when one person kills another.

Lt. Columbo:
A grand noble bird is the pelican. His beak hold more than his belly can. He swoops through the sky with an abundant supply. I'll be darned if I know what the hell he can!

Joe Devlin:
We execute traitors, Mr. Pauley. Didn't you know that?

Lt. Columbo:
This far, and no farther.

Lt. Columbo:
Excuse me sir. I couldn't resist trying your pinball machine. I guess I tried a little too hard. But that's an old problem with me sir - the way I keep steering and pushing and pulling at things. Someday, the whole sky's gonna light up and it's gonna say, "Tilt". And that's gonna be the end of the world!