Drake & Josh, Season 1

Drake:
Okay, Josh. I admit, it's kinda cute that you have a little crush on Susan.

Josh:
She has a crush on me! And it ain't little!

Josh:
I know when a girl likes me! I've imagined it a thousand times!

Josh:
[from inside his dresser, waving his hand around] Can somebody please hand me my underwear?

Josh:
We could do a documentary on the reproductive habits of lizards.

Drake:
I'm not going to do anything that involves me watching lizards make out!

Susan:
Josh, it's not unintentional at all.

Josh:
I knew it! [Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]

Drake:
Susan?!

Susan:
Ew! Josh, what are you doing? I'm Drake's girlfriend!

Josh:
Drake! This isn't what it looks like-wait. [turns around and gets on his knees] Dear Lord, thank you for my first kiss! Amen!

Josh:
I'd just like to say, busted!

Susan:
Drake, did you hear what he just said to me?!

Drake:
Uh, yeah, I think he just said, busted!

Josh:
[singing] Shavin' in the bathtub! Shavin' in the bathtub! [making electric razor noises]

[after Susan dumps both of them]

Josh:
I think we handled that very maturely.

Drake:
Yes, that felt good.

[Susan gets paint sprayed on her from her locker]

Drake:
... That felt better.

Josh:
Yeah it did!

Josh:
[dangling from the roof] I deserve this. This is all because I forgot to feed my turtle, Sheldon in kindergarten! He went to heaven, and now my life is bad! [looks up] Ya happy, Sheldon?! We're even now!

Walter:
[offscreen] Josh?

Josh:
SHELDON?!

[on the phone]

Josh:
Goo goo, gaa!

Mrs. Galloway:
Aw, he sounds so happy. Hello, little Maxie. Hi!

Josh:
Mama.

Mrs. Galloway:
[gasps] He said "Mama!" That's his first word! Oh, Max, oh, say it again!

Josh:
Mama!

Drake:
The bear! Where's the singing bear, the one that puts him to sleep?

Josh:
Check in there.

Drake:
Got it.

[Drake winds the singing bear's head]

Bear:
I've been workin' on the… [stops]

Josh:
Hurry. Wind it again!

[Drake winds the bear's head too fast and hard, causing it to break off]

Josh:
I said "wind it", not "murder it!"

[After the phone goes into the fish bowl when Max is crying]

Josh:
Oh, the baby!

Drake:
Oh, the fishes!

Drake:
All right. Where is he?

Megan:
I think he's dangling from the gutter.

Drake:
Not Josh. The baby!

Megan:
What makes you think that I would have the baby?

Drake:
Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.

Megan:
[laughs] Why thank you, Drake.

[Drake pulls his sister up by the shirt]

Drake:
Where...is...the baby?!

Drake:
Good luck with Kathy. Remember, she's just a person. I mean girls are just guys without... Just do good.

Drake:
Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?

Josh:
Girlfriend, please.

Josh:
I'm not cool, all right? Why do you think old people like me so much?

Josh:
It's like girls and I speak different languages. They speak English, I speak Idiot.

Drake and Josh:
And the most important thing is to be yourself.

Drake:
...Unless you're Josh.

Josh:
(trying to find something to say to Kathy) Do you like spoons?

Grammy:
I wasn't born yesterday, you know.

Drake:
Yeah, no doubt about that.

Scotty:
Can you believe it? We made it backstage!

Rina:
This is not backstage!

Paul:
This is practically jail!

Drake:
Those guys are cops!

Rina:
Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty!

Scotty:
Guys, the tickets are not fake.

Drake:
Are you sure?

Scotty:
I photocopied them myself. What?

Drake:
You can't photocopy tickets!

Scotty:
Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.

Drake:
No, not just any moron, it takes a special moron, like you!

Josh:
Hey, where's Drake with our pizza?

Drake:
[offscreen] I cannot believe I ate an entire pizza!

Drake:
At least we have a little time before she gets here. Let's have fun while we can.

Grammy:
[enters] What, you can't remember to lock the door?

Drake:
Wow, weren't those two seconds fun?

Josh:
Why are you so mean to Drake?

Grammy:
Because I know his type. I dated twelve musicians like him before I dated your gramps.

Josh:
I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.

Grammy:
Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.

Josh:
[jokingly] Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild"?!