Law & Order: UK, Series 2

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
What church do you attend?

PC Ray Griffin:
I've never found one that worked for me, but my faith is very important.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
You're not really a religious man at all, are you? You don't belong to a church, you life phrases from the bible out of context, devoid of comprehension to justify your own prejudices. This is bigotry masquerading as faith, isn't it. You're an insult to all those people who actually have genuine faith.

Bea McArdle:
You know, I've always found your inflexibility truly irritating, James.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
Then please don't let me keep you.

Bea McArdle:
Manslaughter - provocation, have we got ourselves a deal?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
[scoffs] This was a straight-up revenge killing, Bea, you know it.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
[his closing argument] Whose freedom has priority here? You might think that Roland Kirk is your worst nightmare. You might understand Harry Morgan's frustration, but he broke the law. He beat Roland Kirk in the most brutal way, then he walked away, leaving Roland Kirk for dead. That wasn't self-defence. That was vigilantism. In viciously attacking a sleeping man, Harry Morgan became a bigger menace to society than Roland Kirk could ever be.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
[searching the council dump] You'd be surprised what people chuck out, that sofa bed in my spare room for instance.

DS Matt Devlin:
No, I've slept in that! You said that was from Ikea!

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Well it was originally, yeah.

Repair woman:
Say hello to Betsy [shows the officers to an anesthetic machine]

DS Matt Devlin:
Do you name all of your machines?

Repair woman:
Doesn't everyone?

Repair woman:
Always wanted to do repairs. If it was good enough for Kylie in Neighbours it was good enough for me!

DS Matt Devlin:
Wasn't she a mechanic?

Repair woman:
Hmmm. Might have known you'd be a Kylie fan.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
[getting increasingly irritated with severe OCD sufferer Jason's repeated attempts to get his wig straight, despite the fact that court is over for the day] For Gods sake, Jason. Your wig is straight!

Jason Peters:
Good. Now I can go home.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I can't go in that witness box. It's complicated.

DS Matt Devlin:
You're a copper, Ron. You live for this job, and they could charge you with perverting the course of justice. Be the end of you, mate.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I've admitted I've made mistakes, okay? And I've put 'em right. But I'm the best I can be now, Matt, truly, I am. So when do I get a break, eh? When do I get forgiven? I didn't take that heroin. You believe me, don't you?

DS Matt Devlin:
Of course.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
My old man used to say, 'There's no such thing as a friend. Friends will always let you down.' I used to look at him and think, 'What a miserable old bastard.' I'd argue with him and say, 'Dad, you're wrong, mate.' Huh, I'll tell you what, Matty, I bet he's looking down at me now, laughing his head off.

DS Matt Devlin:
Look, Ron, it gives me no pleasure...

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Jimmy Valentine bought my fish for me today, all right? It felt like he was buying me off.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
How hard did you try, James?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
I'm sorry?

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Well, you didn't push him, did you? He gave you the answer you wanted. You wanted him on trial all along.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
Uh, I did what George sent me to do. Am I happy to be prosecuting Jimmy Valentine? Yeah, he's a policeman who shot a civilian.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
So we make an example of him, rather than let police gain crucial intelligence on a major drug baron?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
The police want corruption held to account. You ask Matt and Ronnie. They want Valentine in court. I'm doing this for them.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
What if we lose? Valentine walks free, and we've gained nothing.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
I won't lose. It's time. Are you with me?

CPS Director George Castle:
We're all liberals until the front garden is invaded, James.

DS Matt Devlin:
If it's not that crew, who else would want to remove a man's kidney?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Religious cult?

DS Matt Devlin:
Nah, they're normally after the heart. That or they rip the eyes out.

[Ronnie stops in his tracks and stares at Matt.]

DS Matt Devlin:
What? I've read about them. Doesn't mean I'm in one, all right?

DI Natalie Chandler:
And what's the one thing money can't buy?

DS Matt Devlin:
Love.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
A kidney on the NHS.

DS Matt Devlin:
Want us to pick you up anything while we're there (at your flat)? Books, clothes?

Darren McKenzie:
Can of beer from the fridge. One kidney. Shouldn't take me that long to get hammered.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
We'll get you a milkshake.

CPS Director George Castle:
And I've already organized my replacement. Good man. Very competent. Comes highly recommended.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
Who is he?

CPS Director George Castle:
You, James. Director of C.P.S. London. Just don't get too comfy. I'll be back in a matter of months. And I've already marked the whiskey bottle.

CPS Director George Castle:
I never liked the wig. Look like Amy Winehouse.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
[amused] Uh, trust me, George, you don't.

[James has defeated George in court.]

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
George. [offers a hand to George, who takes it] I'm sorry.

CPS Director George Castle:
What for? You've done nothing wrong. A man died. You prosecuted, I defended, the jury decided.

Dr. Julia Lam:
We gave her three ampoules of Naloxone, no response. Convulsions, severe bleeding. Eighteen years old and she died of biventricular heart failure.

DS Matt Devlin:
Eighteen and she died of a heart attack?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Well, that's young. What was it, coke?

Dr. Julia Lam:
Heroin.

DS Matt Devlin:
Was she a regular user?

Dr. Julia Lam:
No, she was a swallower. That's her bag. We found seventy heroin-filled condoms in her stomach.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Did you say seventy? Seven zero?