Mr. Show, Season 1 (Nov. 1995)

Ronnie Dobbs (David):
Y'all wear condoms on both your ears, I think it's funny. [Cough and groan]

Bob:
David attended public schools, so he confuses Hitler with Anne Frank.

David:
Bob missed his first day of school, and he never really caught up, so he thinks there are only 5 states...and that one of them is named Chim-Cham.

Gary, the asshole party-crasher (David):
You f***ers are gonna believe it now.

Woman leaving convenience store (Jill Talley):
Take a picture, it'll last longer, jag-off!

Father Mike (Bob):
I was born... out of Satan's ass.

Father Mike (Bob):
When I ask for a glass of water and someone hands me a glass full of sand, I turn it over, make a sand castle, and pretend I'm king. When someone throws a stone at my head, I pretend the bruise is a faded tattoo, and that I was once a sailor who ran a sweat shop in Singapore. I'm not too proud of that time in my imaginary life, but I'm comforted by the fact that my friends, who made me stick a banana in my crack, feel even worse.

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob):
Gentlemen, I propose that this arts funding is like a milking machine and unless we shut it down, it's gonna rip our dicks right off!

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob):
I've got a naked puppet doin' a lewd, lascivious Fandango on the lap of a full-grown man! I got a fella over here, he's churnin' butter. A lady over here dippin' candles...it's like a pioneer porn shop in here! Close 'em down, boys!

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob):
I wish I could be everywhere that people are doin' art, so that I could keep the public from gettin' aroused...or titillated...or otherwise confused by the counterculture.

Marshall, the 13th apostle (David):
God, lemme ask you something: are you happy settling for omnipotence?

Guy in Tech Corp commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (Jay Johnston):
F***ity f***-f***!!!

Voiceover king (Bob):
Mr. Pickle's funtime abortion clinics: we'll bring out the kid in ya!

Globo-Chem executive (John Ennis):
My great great great grandfather started this company with one single rickety leaky hand-crafted slave ship, and a simple motto: "People Selling People to People".

Pit-Pat (Bob):
Take it from me, I love you.

Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David):
This cocksucker dragged me down here, I dunno.

Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David):
F***, this little motherf***er's tasty!!

Pit-Pat ad agency representative (Bob):
Look lady, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth.

Kindly farmer in "The Joke:
The Musical" (Jack Black): Don't stick your dick in these holes.

David:
Dear Globochem, someone is trying to kill me!!! Please send me as many free products as possible. Love, David Cross.

Jerry, the honeymoon crasher (David):
Ooh. I gotta take a shit. Hey Todd, hand me that Hustler.

Jerry, the honeymoon crasher (David):
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend. Always in the way.

Honeymooner (Bob):
Tri-cycles would be bi-cycles. Who's ever heard of a bi-cycle?

Larry Black, the forgetful soul singer (Bob):
I need a reminder to look at my reminder!

Supermodel Calling Service commercial voice (Bob):
Thousands of hot models are waiting to talk to you around the clock!

Commercial "viewer" (David):
Thousands? Clock?

Deranged indie film director (David):
Look, its right here in the program: stage protest right before fancy pants.

Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome (Bob):
Many famous people have had imminent death syndrome...well, Juliette Lewis, the actress has it. The artist Leroy Neiman, and uh Christo. Jerry Lewis struggles with it everyday. These people are all very good at what they do...the best ever. Novelist Anne Rice, Clarence Thomas, uh...Stephen Hawking - "brilliant man." Quentin Tarantino (the actor, not the director), Hootie and two of the blowfish, the man who draws Ziggy, the man who draws the Family Circus, many famous cartoonists.

Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome, while answering phone (Bob):
Free horsey rides...I mean doctor's office!

Abraham Lincoln (Tom Kenny):
Lunacy! How will we ever get it down?

Thomas Jefferson (Bob):
What a collection of assholes.

Benjamin Franklin (David):
Gentlemen, who would shit on a flag made out of shit? It would be an empty gesture.

Droopy (Bob):
No, you can't bring a class of school children here. This is a museum, not a babysitting place.