Louie, Season 1

Dr. Ben:
Oh God, Louie. How can...that is, really bad. That's the worst penis I've ever seen in my life. That is disgusting, it's ... oh my God. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, seeing that...and my dad hung himself in front of me - whilst masturbating. But if I could take one of those things back it would be seeing that awful cock. It looks like you've been getting a dog to suck it off but it chewed it like it thought it was a horrible blood and cum filled shoe.

[Pamela and Louie are drinking wine while their kids play in the other room]

Pamela:
Okay: what's the worst thought you ever had about your kids?

Louie:
... I don't know - you go first.

Pamela:
All right, um... I would never hit Ser. Never. But, um, sometimes... I think about hitting him. Like I picture it. Like a fantasy?

Louie:
... Come on, that's not so bad.

Pamela:
Well, I mean, I don't think about it when he's being bad, or, I'm having a hard time with him, or, anything like that, I just, uh... (clears throat) I think about it... when I'm bored. Or, when I'm bored of being a mom? Or when he's just boring. I just think about hitting him, right in his stupid little face.

Louie:
(laughing) Oh my god! That's awful!

Pamela:
I know...

Louie:
Oh my god!

Pamela:
I know?

Louie:
(laughs) Jesus!

Pamela:
All right, so- what's yours?

Louie:
Oh, uh... I don't know, I'm drawing a blank.

Pamela:
C'mon.

Louie:
I can't think of anything.

Pamela:
That's not fair! You're a piece of shit. You're gonna make me burn in hell alone?

Louie:
Nonononono, okay, uh... (deep in thought) bad...

Pamela:
What? Hurry!

Louie:
Okay, okay, okay, all right. You know what? ... I was thinking that... on Jane's... eighteenth birthday, right? That's the day I stop being a dad. Of children. Officially.

Pamela:
Mm-hmm...

Louie:
Like the day I just, I just, become a guy. Not "daddy". I just become, just some dude. ... I think on that day... I might kill myself.

(beat)

Pamela:
(snorts, laughs) Oh my god! Please, do it now! Oh my god, you're the biggest bummer I ever met! I hate you! (lies back) Oh, I'm having so much fun. (falls asleep)