One Foot In The Grave, Series 5 (1994-5)

Victor:
"Question: What's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes? Answer: They're both useless tossers!!" Well, that's incorrect. That's not the difference; that's what we have in common!

Margaret:
Better get ready for bed. If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts.

Margaret:
[to Victor] Two hundred and sixty pounds we paid for this. A complete set of new locks so secure that even we can't get in!

Victor:
I can only think of one thing worse than dying. And that's living forever. I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be? If I was just always here, for ever and ever and ever.

Victor:
I've got a spider in my flies. Look at that; there he goes, just struggling to get in through the buttonhole.

Margaret:
Are you sure he's not struggling to get out?

Victor:
There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see.

Margaret:
I expect. Be at home among the cobwebs.

Victor:
I mean, that has to be my best career move yet, doesn't it? I always knew that degree course I took at Worzel Gummidge College, Cambridge would pay off eventually.

Victor:
[when Mrs Warboys brings a stuffed dog called Nippy for Victor to mind] Nippy? He doesn't look very nippy from where I'm standing!