Xena: Warrior Princess, Season 6

Xena:
The great God of War can't even hurt a fly.

Ares:
Xena, you came.

Xena:
[catches fly] Lucky for you. That fly nearly had you.

Ares:
What happened to the peace-loving, blond chick you used to be?

Gabrielle:
Ares, [plants herself on his lap] that Gabrielle's been gone for a long time. You and Xena showed me that warriors rule the world, not philosophers.

Ares:
I could get used to this. I could.

Eve:
Believe me, you don't want to make me angry.

Xena:
"If he's not insane, then I'm not a Fury. [morphs into Alecto]

Varia:
You alright?

Eve:
Yeah.

Varia:
You took care of my sister Amazons before you took care of yourself. Thank you.

Eve:
My wound was a small one.

Varia:
That old scar's a bad one. Take a look at this.[shows Eve a thick scar on her shoulder]

Eve:
Wow.

Varia:
A Roman short sword. The man who did it died before he had the time to wipe his blade.

Eve:
[turns around to expose a long scar on her lower back] Gaelic spear. The man who did it, his entire regiment, his village and two neighboring villages destroyed before the sun went down.

Varia:
I was right. You were a serious warrior.

Varia:
Don't you miss it? The knot in your stomach as you prepare for war.

Eve:
The quiet after a tough battle?

Varia:
Yeah.

Eve:
Victory snatched from the jaws of defeat. Death so close, then suddenly driven away...no, I don't miss it.

Varia:
I've only seen one warrior do that move. I knew I recognized you from someplace. You're Livia, Bitch of Rome.

Varia:
Mommy won't save you this time.

Eve:
"If that's my destiny, so be it."

Xena:
"That sword had better be for Ares' men. What Eve did to your people was unforgivable. But she is my daughter, and if anything happens to her while she's in your custody you'll have me to deal with, and trust me … you're not ready for that."

Xena:
"You're soft, like all the Olympians. You know, I killed all the others, Ares. But maybe I stopped too soon."

Ares:
"It's not the end of the world. Who knows, maybe as a mortal I can experience something I never could as a god."

Xena:
"Like what?"

Ares:
"Like you."

Ares:
[tries to disapparate with his non-existent powers] I gotta stop trying that. I'm gonna rupture something.

Mephistopheles:
Now you see you can't harm me here.

Xena:
If you come into my realm, I will kill you before you take a step.

Mephistopheles:
And then take my throne?

Xena:
What are you talking about?

Mephistopheles:
Whoever kills me must take my place and reign over Hell. And frankly, Xena, I don't think you're up to the job.

Lucifer:
Aren't you two inspiring? Michael and Raphael, chief warrior angels of the Chief himself, quaking like a couple of frightened children.

Michael:
You're very sure of yourself, aren't you?

Lucifer:
I'm sure of both my faith and my devotion, which has fueled my speedy ascent through the hierarchy. A climb that will continue with a promotion to Seraphim.

Michael:
And how do you plan to do that?

Lucifer:
By throwing Xena down into Hell myself.

Michael:
You realize Xena has the power to destroy angels.

Lucifer:
She will use that power unless I send her to Hell.

Michael:
Very well. Proceed.

[Raphael and Michael look at each other after Lucifer leaves]

Raphael:
He just may be the right one for the job.

Michael:
He may be perfect.

Xena:
You and I have much in common.

Lucifer:
Of course we do. You´re a mortal female with a lying tongue, savage tendencies and a blond girlfriend. I´m a celibate archangel in the service of the Lord.

Xena:
Oh yes, but we are both cynics in the heart, you and I, trying to walk a path we weren´t meant to.

Lucifer:
Red is definitely your color.

Xena:
You know, I see the same spirit burning in you. If we put them together we could rule both hell and earth.

Lucifer:
Why don´t you start by taking me...to heaven?

Xena:
Congratulations, Lucifer, you just won the Deadly Sin Lottery with a perfect score of seven out of seven.

Lucifer:
I'm still hot for you, Xena. Only now, I'm bigger, stronger, and more powerful than ever.

Xena:
That doesn't begin to make up for the attributes you lost. [shows him his reflection]

Lucifer:
What? What have you done to me?

Xena:
Only what I suspect Michael wanted all along -- to put you in touch with your inner demon. Your kingdom awaits!

Gabrielle:
(to Gurkhan) Are you afraid? Afraid like my mother? My father? Like my sister's husband? Right before you cut off their heads. If I kill you... you win. I become like you, I hate you.

Kahina:
Funny how the Romans showed up just in time to save your friend. Almost like it was planned.

Xena:
You got the fight you wanted. Stop complaining.

Kahina:
[to Gabrielle] Left a few details out of those scrolls, didn't you?

Gabrielle:
Xena, my reflexes are those of a warrior. My judgment isn't. I'm afraid that's a bad combination.

Gabrielle:
There's more to being a warrior than skill. There's fighting for what you believe in. For people that you love.

Brunnhilda:
You know, before I met you, I never thought of a warrior as having any love but the love of battle.

Gabrielle:
[to Brunhilde] What are you fighting for? You want to win my love? You're going to shed blood for what? For me? You call that love? You're sick.

Xena:
Are you a demon? Or my own mind made mad?

Vision Gabrielle:
I am the truth of who you are. Our souls are united, Xena.

Rhein Maiden:
What magic has made Xena into such a noble creature, that she would give up the power of the Rheingold?

Xena:
(looks at Gabrielle and smiles) It wasn't magic.

Beowulf:
Xena, you are the greatest warrior i have ever known.

Brunhilda:
Xena, Xena. The love in your heart burns stronger than any flame. You belong together, Xena.

(Gabrielle rolls over in bed and her hand hits Ares in the groin)

Ares:
(weakly) I'm in Tartarus.

Marga:
Varia will try to avenge me. If she dies, the Amazons are lost. Promise me you'll protect her.

Xena:
I promise, Marga.

Marga:
Teach her to be a true warrior, as you are. The fate of the Amazons [gives beaded necklace to Xena] is in your hands.

Xena:
(to Varia) Look, if you don't want my help, that's your choice, but just know that your sisters will live or die by what you decide to do.

Prince Morlock:
If I had known how much fun you Amazons would be, I'd have come to this country years ago.

Xena:
I'm not an Amazon.

Prince Morlock:
But you're so tall.

Xena:
It's the boots.

Prince Morlock:
I don't usually do this, but I'd like to know your name before I kill you.

Xena:
You first.

Prince Morlock:
I'm Prince Chesnick Bloodicarr Morlock, Upper Scheherazadestan.

Xena:
Xena of Amphipolis -- Warrior Princess, Warrior Mom -- who conquers Prince Chesty Forlock of Whatever-stan.

Prince Morlock:
Ooh, I nicked you.

Xena:
Where'd you get that -- shaving? (motions to a cut on his face)

Prince Morlock:
No one ever drew my blood before.

Xena:
There's plenty more where that came from.

Gabrielle:
Xena, there was nothing you could do. He was evil.

Xena:
No, he was damaged, he wasn't evil.

Aphrodite:
(keeps trying to disapparate) It's not fair!

Ares:
Welcome to my nightmare.

(Xena and Gabrielle are getting ready for a television interview)

Xena:
Hey! [swats a pesky make-up girl away]

Gabrielle:
[having a microphone hooked to her top] Hey, watch where you put your hands!

Xena:
Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy.

Nigel:
But what you're saying is that most of these passengers are here because of Xena?

Charon:
Raw numbers? Nah. She's a drop in the bucket. But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters: Elynus of Mycenae, Marc Antony, Velasca, Callisto, you can even make a case for Caesar himself. These people do not lose their mortal coils without a fight.

Caligula:
Hey! Sometime this eternity!

Charon:
Unlike this guy who's just been asking for a one-way ticket to the Underworld, if you ask me.

Charon:
Oh, there's one more thing I would like to say. At least Xena pays her fare, unlike another so-called super hero I know, more like super-cheapskate. That's right. I'm talking about you, Hercules.

Nigel:
Please, try not to cover anything up.

Lucifer:
Cover anything up? I'm the Devil, you idiot! I'm really bad. I'm evil incarnate. What do I have to cover up?

Lucifer:
You're a real pain. I can't wait to get you down here.

Nigel:
Uh, with respect, sir, that's not going to happen. I'm not a murdering warlord. No, no, no. I'm an award winning investigative journalist. I'm a member of the fifth estate.

Lucifer:
Like I said, I can't wait to get my claws into you.

Nigel:
Then why is Xena trying to steal the Golden Apples? And why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli while your mother stood by and did nothing.

Eve:
You want to know about my mother? [gives him a good shove] I will tell you about my mother, you little sh*t! If my mother is with Ares, you can bet she's got a pretty f***ing good reason!

Nigel:
Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with your mother the entire time he was sleeping with you?

Eve:
[being held back by her fellow Elijans] You f***ing brat! Stay the Hell away from my mother! You stay the f*** away from me or I will kick your f***ing ass!

Nigel:
Not the kind of words you would expect to hear from Eve, the Messenger of Eli. [following in Eve's wake] Whatever happened to walking the path of light, Eve?

Eve:
F*** off!

Nigel:
You want your mother on Olympus, don't you? You want to see the God of War put back on his throne so Xena and Ares can continue your bloody ménage et trois? [gets decked by Eve then turns to camera] Tell me you got that. You got that, didn't you?

Madam:
Calling number 27! One Thor's Hammer! We'll make you feel like the God of Thunder!

Ares:
27! Yo, I got 27!

Nigel:
Ares, the former God of War!

Ares:
No, I'm not … crap! [runs out of the tavern]

Nigel:
We found Ares, the former God of War, half naked and stinking of booze in a bordello.

Ares:
I'm trying to get laid! I'm not a criminal!

Nigel:
Wait! Hold it! [to camera] And now, ladies and gentlemen, a world exclusive -- for the first time anywhere, Xena and Gabrielle reveal the true nature of their relationship. Gabrielle, Xena, are you two lovers?

Xena:
You want the truth?

Nigel:
That's right, Xena, we want the truth. The whole world wants the truth.

Xena:
It's like this, technically... [the camera begins to fade in and out and then finally the screen has only two words on it: STAND BY]

Nigel:
What?! It's dead?! The battery! This is the world's greatest story and you're telling me the battery is dead?! I don't believe this! Oh, man!

Ares:
(voice only) Xena, tell me, have you heard the story of the scorpion and the swan?

Xena:
You haven't even got the guts to face me.

Ares:
See, the scorpion needs to get across the river, and he asks the swan for a ride. And the swan figures it's not much of a risk. The scorpion wouldn't sting the creature who's carrying him over the raging river.

Xena:
My daughter's about to die because of you, and you're feeding me fairy tales?

Ares:
(appears behind Xena) Bear with me, it's worth the wait. So, about halfway across, the scorpion stings the swan, and as they're both being swept to their death, the swan asks the scorpion, "I was helping you. Why did you sting me?" And the scorpion answers...

Xena:
"It's what I do."

Ares:
Yeah, it's what I do.

Ares:
Hey, can I help it if I've played this like the malevolent genius I am? Remember what the scorpion said.

Xena:
Ares, the scorpion drowned.

(Xena has fought Varis to show her where the path of vengence leads. Varia decides not to take Ares' path)

Ares:
You had this planned all along. You are so good.

Xena:
It's what I do.

Ares:
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Varia:
As queen of the Amazon nation, I hereby sentence Livia, killer of the Amazons, to death. (gasps are heard among the chamber) So that Eve, the messenger of peace, may live.

Varia:
To a strong Amazon nation.

Gabrielle:
To a strong Amazon nation.

Varia:
How's the eye?

Gabrielle:
How's the hand?

Varia:
Fine. Why?

Gabrielle:
I thought maybe you sprained it on my face

Gabrielle:
Queen Mawu-Ka, Queen Gwyn-Teir, your friend, Bane, their blood, on the shores of this land. Our sisters have died, but death is not an end to their spirits. Death, it's a pathway to an afterlife. And when it is my time to join them, I want to know that I can grasp them by the hands, I can look them, all in the eyes, and tell them, that their blood was not shed without purpose, that we finished the job that they began. More of us may die today, but the Amazon nation. It will live on forever. That is the duty that we carry, and the everlasting honor that we will hold.

Clea:
Let's start with the official video salute to Gabrielle to the tune of Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings".

Mac:
Whoa, they need a wake-up call, not sleep aids.

Clea:
You cut her hair! I wanted her to have long hair, like classic Gabby!

Mac:
Only in the reruns babe!

Clea:
Um, how much do you remember?

Mac:
She remembers the pinch pretty good. Hey! I just got pinched by Xena!

Mac:
So, what do you guys think of the show?

Xena:
I like the one who plays me. She's kinda sexy.

Gabrielle:
What about this writing, Xena? I mean, it's not exactly Euripides. They've taken liberties with my scrolls.

Xena:
Yeah, and what are they trying to say about our relationship, anyway?

Gabrielle:
Who knows.

Mac:
Xena, um...you know...uh...you and Ares...uh...did you...um...ever...you know...well...

Xena:
Get a life, pervert.

Ephiny & Gabrielle:
Moon shines bright, by fire's light. Amazon baby, sleep tonight.

Xenon:
A lot of people know that song.

Ephiny & Gabrielle:
Hush-a-bye. Please don't cry. Xenon sings his lullaby.

Xena:
Word of advice for ya, kid, never step between two people and their passion.

Xena:
I will kill you, Belach.

Belach:
I'm prepared to die for my child.

Xena:
Your father was the same.

Belach:
When was my father ever willing--

Xena:
For our baby! Your brother. You spent your life trying to be the opposite to your father, but what you don't know is that when he grew away from me, he grew into a better man.

...

Xena:
Borias died trying to change what he'd become. That was the real story of your father. How will your story end, Belach?

Xena:
Leave us.

Joxer:
[as a Roman centurion] But Caesar said...

Xena:
...to enrage the Empress until she beats the tar out of you?

Joxer:
I must have missed that one.

Xena:
You brought the world back to us.

Gabrielle:
I'm glad. I like this one better.

Xena:
Even though you're not a famous playwright?

Gabrielle:
Fame, who needs it?

Gabrielle:
Did you really like my play?

Xena:
It was alright. Maybe it could have done with a few more fight scenes.

Gabrielle:
Everyone's a critic.

Xena:
"What is that?" … [pulls a telescope out of Argo's bag and proceeds to look through it the wrong way]

Gabrielle:
"Xena, give me that … huh, I don't see anything." … [pulls the telescope away to reveal a dark ring around her eye]

Xena:
"My mistake."

Ferragus:
Xena, the warrior pain in my ass!

Xena:
Aphrodite, meet Genia … a virgin.

Genia:
I don't believe it.

Aphrodite:
I don't either! I thought you guys were extinct!

Aphrodite:
For future reference, I'm now Mighty Aphrodite.

Gabrielle:
You know, how did you fall for my fish guts gag?

Xena:
I don't know.

Gabrielle:
You knew that I would go crazy waiting for you to get even. Xena, didn't see it coming. [tries to take a drink out of a cup, which promptly spills all over her]

Xena:
Nor that. Now, we're even.

Xena:
"Here, give me that (taking the cup away from Gabrielle). I want you to close your eyes."

Gabrielle:
"No."

Xena:
"Trust me, please."

Gabrielle:
"No."

Xena:
"Close your eyes."(places a scroll in Gabrielle's lap)

Gabrielle:
"What is this?"

Xena:
"Open it. I had Sappho jot something down for you."

Gabrielle:
"A poem? Sappho wrote a poem for me. I don't believe it. Xena, you had this planned all along, didn't you? (Gabrielle reads the poem) ... There's a moment when I look at you And no speech is left in me My tongue breaks Then fire races under my skin and I tremble And grow pale for I am dying of such love Or so it seems to me.'"

Gabrielle:
"It's beautiful. This is the best birthday present I have ever had."

Xena:
'Course, it ain't over yet. [puts the helmet on and the girls fly off into the sunset together] Happy birthday, Gabrielle!

Xena Fan #1:
Hey, how did you get over the horror of finding out you were that bumbling idiot, Joxer?

Annie/Joxer:
Hey, Joxer was no fool. The guy they got to play him was a goofball, that's all. He was the producer's brother, for crying out loud.

Xena Fan #2:
At least you got to hang out with Xena and Gabby in a past life. We can't lay claims to anything that cool.

Xena Fan #2:
Speaking of the Warrior Princess and the Bard, what happened when your boyfriend, Harry, found out he was Xena in a past life?

Xena Fan #1:
And then your past lives counselor was none other than his beloved sidekick, Gabrielle.

Annie/Joxer:
[looking sick] They got hitched.

Xena Fan #1:
Decent. Xena and Gabby finally a couple.

Xena Fan #2:
Wait till we tell the rest of the fans.

Mattie/Gabrielle:
Nice driving, dear. Oh, that was the most fabulous vacation since our honeymoon, and I thought that nothing could top that. Wasn't it fascinating how being back in Greece brought back our lives as Xena and Gabrielle?

Harry/Xena:
Yeah, except I shouldn't have had those last two goat cheese milkshakes.

Mattie/Gabrielle:
Is my little Warrior Princess' tummy still bothering him?

(Ares bursts into the press conference)

Roxanne:
Did you schedule any celebrity appearances?

Fred:
No, we contacted Bruce Campbell, but he was too much money.

Ares:
Stay right there [tries to zap Xena/Annie, who holds out the contract, which is incinerated] Un-freakin' believable!

Annie/Xena:
Ares made it, Ares destroyed it. I guess this means you ain't got no soul.

Xena:
I mean, Gabrielle, what are we gonna do? Wander around Greece our whole lives looking for trouble? Why don't we go away? Far away? What do ya say?

Gabrielle:
I can't believe you're awake, much less listening to me.

Xena:
Let's go south to the land of the Pharaohs. I hear they're in need of a girl with a chakram.

Akemi:
I know you're a good man. In the teahouse, I felt the compassion in your heart. Don't fear me.

Kenji:
Who? Who was that demon?

Akemi:
The Lord of the Dark Land. He's preparing an army to wage war in Higuchi and slowly, the populace. Honorable monk [hands him a samurai sword] I beg you to do what must be done to stop him enslaving the souls of that city.

Kenji:
But I'm no swordsman.

Akemi:
There's one in the west, far beyond the setting sun.

Kenji:
A samurai? A priest? A god?

Akemi:
No, a warrior princess.

Xena:
I'm just a girl in search of a really good sword.

Xena:
If I only have thirty seconds to live.

Gabrielle:
We're going to be together … for eternity.

Gabrielle:
You brought out the best in me.

Xena:
Gabrielle, this is how I want to live them, looking into your eyes.

Gabrielle:
It's too quiet out here.

Xena:
Gabrielle, what would you do? Listen not just to the sounds, but what's behind the sounds. Always remember that I love you.

Samurai:
I deserve to die with the dignity of a warrior.

Gabrielle:
Dignity, huh? Like you showed my friend? [throws the chakram at him which ricochets off his head and a few boulders, and then returns to her waiting hand]

[Having finally regained possession of Xena's ashes, Gabrielle opens the urn to dip it into the Fountain of Strength. Xena places a hand on the urn.]

Xena:
No, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle:
Xena.

Xena:
No.

Gabrielle:
Xena, the sun is setting. I have to bring you back to life.

Xena:
No, not if it means condemning the souls of the forty thousand who burned at Higuchi.

Gabrielle:
The souls are free.

Xena:
They're free from Yodoshi's grasp. Akemi didn't want to tell me this in case I wouldn't come back to help … but for those souls to be released into a state of grace, they must be avenged. I must stay dead.

Gabrielle:
But if I bring you back to life...

Xena:
...The souls will be lost forever.

Gabrielle:
Xena, that is not right. I don't care. You're all that matters to me.

Xena:
Don't you know how much I want to let you do this? But if there's a reason for our travels together, it's because I had to learn from you, enough to know the final, the good, the right thing to do. I can't come back. I can't.

Gabrielle:
I love you, Xena. How am I supposed to go on without you?

Xena:
I'll always be with you, Gabrielle. Always.

Gabrielle:
[sailing back across the sea, holding Xena's ashes close] A life of journeying has brought you to the farthest lands, to the very edge of the earth.

Xena:
[appearing beside her friend] And to the place where I'll always remain - your heart.

Xena:
So where to now?

Gabrielle:
I think we should go south to the land of the Pharaohs. I hear they need a girl with a chakram.

Xena:
Where you go … I'm at your side.

Gabrielle:
I knew you'd say that.

Gabrielle:
For once Xena, I'd like to be the Roman noble and you be the slave.

Gabrielle:
[to Brunhilde] What are you doing??

Varia:
You were ready to let me kill you just so that I could see I was headed down the wrong path.

Xena:
I knew the truth was inside you. You just needed the chance to decide what was right.

Xena:
In the third act, you had your hero throw himself over the cliff with no fear of dying. All for her. Do you really believe that kind of love exists?

Gabrielle:
That's what we all dream about, isn't it? Someone who looks so deeply into our soul that they'd find something worth dying for.