'Allo 'Allo!, Series 2

[Herr Flick has mixed up the original Fallen Madonna with two forgeries and needs Helga's help to identify the real one]

Herr Flick:
I have three fallen Madonnas, with six big boobies. Only one of them is real.

Helga:
Only one big booby?

Flick. One painting is the original, the other two are forgeries.

[Officer Crabtree has just arrived by parachute dressed as a policeman]

Officer Crabtree:
I am disgeesed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom.

[Herr Flick and Helga are in Herr Flick's secret headquarters]

Helga:
You're looking pensive Herr Flick.

Herr Flick:
I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight. I might take you to the movies.

Helga:
What is showing?

Herr Flick:
Anything we want. Or we could stay here and amuse ourselves. I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. (Helga looks a little nervous) Ah, here they are.

Helga:
What have you in mind Herr Flick?

Herr Flick:
I have an excellent gramophone, and many records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing.

Helga:
(surprised) Hitler's speeches, quite amusing?

Herr Flick:
Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.

[René is on the telephone to the communist resistance to ask them to blow up a train]

René:
How much?! Now look here. It is just one little train. Well surely you could do it for a bit less than that. Is that your rock-bottom price? Well hang on a minute. [Puts down telephone, opens the till. Checks cash, and goes back to the telephone]. No, no, I cannot go to that [pause]. Well how would it be if we supplied the explosives? [panics slightly] No, no I do not want to leave my name, no, it is just an enquiry!

[Helga is standing in a corner of Herr Flicks headquarters]

Herr Flick:
Let that be a lesson to you. Never again will you burn my toast.

[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are about to desert from the German army because they failed to destroy a munitions train]

Officer Crabtree:
I have good nose.

René:
Yes, yes, you are very handsome...

Officer Crabtree:
The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF.

René:
Bummed by the RAF?!

Col. Von Strohm / Captain Geering:
Bummed by the RAF⁉

Lt. Gruber:
What have the naughty RAF been up to now?

René:
They bombed an munition train.

Captain Geering:
Did they destroy it?

Officer Crabtree:
There were little pisses all over the track.

[Herr Flick is playing the organ whilst Helga crushes the Captain, the Colonel and René]

Herr Flick:
Look! No hands!

[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are planning to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen]

Colonel:
Hans, have you got the weedkiller?

Geering:
Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and... [impersonates a dead person] all is quiet on the Western Front.

Colonel:
Are you sure it'll work?

Geering:
Yes. I told him it was for you.

[Captain Geering is putting the plan to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen into action]

Geering:
The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?

René:
I have the pill in the till.

Geering:
Wheere is the vine for the General?

René:
It is here in this jug.

Geering:
The pill contains a drug.

René:
The pill in the till?

Geering:
Take it and put it in there.

René:
Put the drug in the jug?

Gruber:
(Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing.

René:
(panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau!

Geering:
What about the Gateau from the Chateau?

René:
It contains a bomb!!!

Geering:
A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau???

René:
It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse.

Geering:
But where is the fuse?

René:
It is the candle with the handle.

Geering:
You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!

René:
Simple plots are always the best.