Home Improvement, Season 2

Tim:
If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

Tim:
I didn't know you wanted me home right away.

Jill:
Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."

Tim:
Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"

Jill:
Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy"?

Tim:
Well, that I understand.

Tim:
After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?

Al:
I wouldn't know, Tim.

Mark:
Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?

Jill:
Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)

Randy:
Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!

Jill:
It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.

Randy:
Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!

Jill:
Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Jill:
Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!

Tim:
Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.

Jill (about Tim's kilt):
Hey, you look great.

Tim:
You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

Randy:
(To Tim who's wearing a kilt) Hey Mom, where's Dad?

Tim:
(about Barbara) I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.

Karen:
Yeah, right into her water bed.

Tim:
What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.

Jill:
Well, you do that all the time.

Tim:
But not with other women!

Tim:
You had a bad day, we all have bad days.

Randy:
There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.

Tim:
Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing

Jill:
[She and Tim are eating in a restaurant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.

Tim:
Oh, and why is that, Jill?

Jill:
Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.

Tim:
Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 75-year old steelworker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"

Jill:
Not exactly, Tim.

Tim:
Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?

Jill:
Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."

Jill:
When he was in that Christmas play, all the other kids just stood up on the stage, Randy... STOOD UP, ON THE STAGE!

Tim:
Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!

Jill[explaining her trashy romance novels]:
I know it seems silly, but some of these are very well-written.

Tim:
Really? [reading from the book, in a deep voice] Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the STAIRS, to a NIGHT, of ETERNAL ECSTASY! Oh, PLEASE!

Jill[embarassed]:
Okay, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.

Tim:
Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.

[Tim has just dropped a heavy trunk in the garage, and is moaning in pain]

Mark:
Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?

Tim:
I don't think I'm EVER going to the bathroom again.

Mark:
What happened?

Tim[strained]:
I pulled my GROIN!

Mark:
What's that?

Tim:
My very favorite muscle.

Tim(to Al):
So, we're going to have to change the format of the show today. YOU are gonna have to do ALL the work.

Al:
And what would the change be, Tim?

Tim:
Is there anything you DON'T know, Wilson?

Wilson:
I don't know.

Tim:
You see, after thirteen years of marriage . . .

Jill:
Fourteen!

Randy:
(after the play) I saw Jennifer looking at me.

Brad:
She wanted to know where you bought your tights.

Tim:
[Catches Brad with the garden hose] What did I tell you about water balloons?

Brad:
Fill 'em up real full so they bust on contact?

Tim:
[Grins deviously] That's right!

Jill:
Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?

Wilson:
Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.

Jill:
Well, could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?

Wilson:
Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.

Jennifer:
[Upset that Brad didn't pick her for his kickball team] You can be so dense.

Brad:
Hey, I may dense, but my team won!

Jill:
[Hurrying to the bathroom] Move it, atom boy!

Tim:
If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word: Al.

Jill:
It's that bad, huh?

Tim:
His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night, it was three hours of "Muskie Fishing with Uncle Phil." Did you know that in the seventh grade, he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popsicle sticks?

Jill:
Lots of kids do stuff like that.

Tim:
It was life-sized.

Tim:
Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.

Al:
It's over between us.

Tim:
Al, open the door.

Al:
No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed!

[Al's wearing a loud-colored Hawaiian shirt]

Tim:
What the hell are you wearing?

Al:
Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.

Tim:
You're supposed to blend into the background!

Jill:
Well, who the hell does she think she is?

Tim:
Maureen Binford.

Jill:
Wait a minute, is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed as a hacksaw?

Tim:
Yeah.

Jill:
Little red-headed thing, about this big?

Tim:
Yeah.

Jill:
I can take her.

Tim:
Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?

Jill:
No, but you bugged me during conception.

Mark:
But Mom, they were gonna play with me.

Jill:
Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself "what do they want to do to me?".

Tim:
All this week, Al and I will be doing our salute... [Tim and Al salute, following by sound of tools dropping] ...to toolboxes. You know, a well-organized toolbox says a lot about you as a man. [Al snickers as Tim sets his normal-sized toolbox next to Al's larger toolbox] What is it, Al?

Al:
Uh...nothing, Tim.

Tim:
What is it, Al?

Al:
Well, I...I was just noticing how much bigger mine is.

Tim:
You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy, weensy paycheck.

Al:
No, Tim, I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant, [opens toolbox] and I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.

Tim:
Oh, yeah, he does. Ho ho ho ho ho. You're really shaping up around here, Al.

Al:
Well, I have plenty of room in here for [pulls out the following] bandages, couple of ice packs.

Tim:
Stop it, Al. Cut it out.

Al:
Oh, tourniquet.

Tim:
I hope you have a job application in there.

Al:
Crutches.

Tim:
[bewildered] Huh?!

Al:
IV unit.

Tim:
There's a sign right there, what does it say?

Jill:
"Welcome to...[glares at Tim] OHIO!"

Tim:
...Guess we don't need that Michigan map, do we?

Jill:
I'm so glad I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Tim:
Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?

Jill:
Oh, nobody, just...[Takes a bite of cake] My mother, my father, my sisters, the minister, the postman, some guy down at the post office...

Tim:
Jill met my girlfriend.

Wilson:
Well, I can't say that I approve of that.

Tim:
No, my old high-school girlfriend.

Wilson:
Oh.

Tim:
She's kind of annoyed about something I didn't do years ago.

Wilson:
A sin of omission.

Tim:
It wasn't that bad. When I broke up with this girl, I never called to tell her.

Wilson:
So, you lied to her?

Tim:
No.

Wilson:
Well, according to Robert Louis Stevenson, you did. He said, "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Tim:
Hm. But didn't Calvin Coolidge say nothing he never said ever did him any harm?

Wilson:
Very good. Thomas Mann once said, "A harmful truth is better than a useful lie."

Tim:
Not bad. Wait, wait, wait! Turkish proverbs was, "He who tells the truth will be chased out of nine villages."

Wilson:
Excellent. But I believe the final word would be Heywood Broun. "For truth there is no deadline."

Tim:
Oh, that's three to two. You beat me, Wilson.