How I Met Your Mother, Season 1

[First scene of the series, in 2030]

Future Ted:
Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.

Ted's Son:
Are we being punished or something?

Future Ted:
No.

Ted's Daughter:
Dad, is this gonna take a while?

Future Ted:
Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life…

[Ted just saw Robin]

Future Ted:
It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."

Ted:
Hey Barney, see that girl?

Barney:
Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.

Lily:
Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.

Marshall:
[stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?

Lily:
Not even slightly.

[Camera pans to show Ted is in the room]

Ted:
Guys... BOUNDARIES!

[Robin discovers why Ted threw three straight parties in as many nights]

Ted:
Robin, look I didn't invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. [Robin smiles] I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.

Robin:
Well, here I am.

Ted:
There's something here, look, unless I'm crazy.

Robin:
You're not crazy. I-I don't know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and you're looking at me with that look and it's like-

Ted:
Like what?

Robin:
Like-let's fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.

Ted:
I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.

Robin:
[laughs] It's a great look. But you're looking at the wrong girl.

Ted:
No, I'm not.

Robin:
Yes, you are. I don't wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you or break your heart and-I just couldn't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way you feel.

Ted:
[reaches in jacket] Click. Off. Let's make out.

Robin:
[laughs] What?

Ted:
What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, but-on the other hand - you, me, the roof.

Robin:
There's no off switch.

Ted:
There is an off switch… and it's off.

Robin:
[smiling] no, it's not.

Ted:
[silence] yes, it is. [draws closer to Ted]

Robin:
No …it's-not.

Ted:
Yes-it is [long kiss with Robin] No it's not. You're right, there's no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch!

Ted:
The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!

Airport Security Guard:
Nobody's that lame.

Ted:
Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.

Barney:
...we are international businessmen!

Barney:
[at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?

Employee at Liberty Bell Site:
Only all the time.

Barney:
Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?

Employee:
Yeah.

Barney:
Have you ever licked it?

Employee:
Nope...I have never licked it.

Barney:
I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word?

Ted:
I'm leaving.

Barney:
Legendary!

Barney:
Booger.

Ted:
Yes, hello Barney.

Robin:
Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.

Barney:
Not some stupid word. Booger.

Robin:
But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.

Barney:
What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.

Robin:
For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.

Lily:
City Hall! Miss Thang!

Robin:
So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

Barney:
Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

[Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her...again]

Natalie:
[after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?

Ted:
I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...

Natalie:
It's my birthday!

Ted:
Yes, I know it's just...

Natalie:
It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?

Ted:
It's no big deal. It's not like you lost the lottery--

Natalie:
Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?

Ted:
I can't explain.

Natalie:
Try!

Ted:
Well, it's just ineffable.

Natalie:
Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?

Ted:
No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.

Natalie:
So I'm stupid?

Ted:
What's going on?

Natalie:
What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three years later, again on my birthday!

Ted:
No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-

Natalie:
WHAT!?

Ted:
I'm just like super busy right now.

Future Ted:
Remember when Natalie said...

Natalie:
[in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.

Future Ted:
It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.

[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]

Barney:
Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.

Ted:
What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?

Barney:
That was my cousin Leslie!

Ted:
What!? [begins to laugh]

Barney:
No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like "Remember that time when you were grinding with-" NO. And do you know why? Because, italics, [Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle] this night did not happen.

Lily:
Hey.

Robin:
Hey.

Lily:
Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.

Robin:
Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.

Lily:
You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day. ... I think I know how to get us in. Follow my lead. [walks to the front of the line and flashes the bouncer]

Lily:
Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.

Marshall:
What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.

Lily:
[As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!

Marshall:
Again?

[Marshall follows Lily to the bathroom]

Ted:
Where are you going?

Marshall:
It's... an elaborate costume.

Robin:
How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?

Ted:
Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

Lily:
Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.

Ted:
Did you just use my name as a verb?

Barney:
Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"

Ted:
Okay... I get it!

Robin:
So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?

Lily:
It was a cockamouse!

Robin:
What?

Lily:
It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...

Barney:
Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

[Flashback]

Marshall:
So when Lily and I get married... who's gonna get the apartment?

Ted:
Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?

Marshall:
Who?

Ted:
Future Ted & Future Marshall.

Marshall:
Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.

[Present Day]

Ted:
Dammit, Past Ted!

[Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fight]

Lily:
On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!

Marshall:
Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.

Lily:
I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?

Robin:
I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.

Ted:
Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.

Robin:
You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.

Ted:
[beat] ...your cops are called 'mounties'.

Ted:
Barney.

Barney:
Yeah, what's up?

Ted:
You have a time sheet? No one else does.

Barney:
Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!

Ted:
"Court Mandated Community Service"??

Robin:
Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?

Barney:
That's my private personal business!

[flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.]

Barney:
I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!

Ted:
You peed on a church?

Barney:
I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!

Ted:
You are evil!

Robin:
All is right with the world again.

Marshall:
You okay?

Ted:
Sure. Why?

Marshall:
Ah... I don't know. Girl of your dreams... dating a billionaire.

Ted:
Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]

Barney:
Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.

Ted:
Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?

Barney:
It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'

Ted:
Daddy's home?

Barney:
Yeah!

Ted:
Okay, you... you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.

Barney:
Hmm... yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Ted:
Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.

Marshall:
Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.

Ted:
You're not... Moby, are you?

Not Moby/Erik:
Who?

Robin:
The recording artist, Moby.

Not Moby/Erik:
Oh, no.

Barney:
Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?

Not Moby/Erick:
Oh, I thought you said Tony.

Ted:
So your name's Tony?

Not Moby/Erick:
No.

[Marshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal wedding]

Marshall:
Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.

Lily:
But I'm the bride. So, I win.

Marshall:
But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.

Lily:
Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.

[Lily takes Barney aside at MacLaren's after she sees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with Stuart]

Lily:
Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!

Barney:
Wait, my eyes or my testicles?

Lily:
[thinks about it] One of each!

Lily:
[to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?

Ted:
I had the most... amazing night ever.

Marshall:
Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."

Lily:
Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."

Victoria:
Why don't we just... dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.

Ted:
Unless-

Victoria:
No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment... and it'll be perfect.

Ted:
Wow... Okay I'm in.

Victoria:
[enthusiastically] Okay!

Ted:
I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?

Victoria:
Um... you can call me Buttercup. [Ted and "Buttercup" shake hands]

Ted:
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-

Barney:
[with bridesmaid on his arm] Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.

Ted:
[to Victoria] So I'm Ted.

Victoria:
Victoria.

Marshall:
[to Ted] Two days straight?

Lily:
Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.

Barney:
[in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!

Robin:
See you on the other side.

Both:
[Charging] Yaahhhhh!

[Both got shot]

Barney:
Damn! ...You wanna get a soft pretzel?

Robin:
Yeah.

Victoria:
I've only had two boyfriends before Ted.

Robin:
Prude alert!

Victoria:
Well, two serious ones. I've dated others in between.

Robin:
Slut alert!

Victoria:
I will tell you my most humiliating story.

Marshall:
Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.

Victoria:
OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.

Future Ted:
Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.

Marshall:
[staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That... is the greatest story... ever!

Lily:
Oh my God!

Lily:
[Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Ted:
Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Bilson:
Nice tie! Steak sauce!

Office Jerk:
Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!

[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]

Barney:
Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.

Bilson:
Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.

Marshall:
I don't have a back door.

Bilson:
Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!

Marshall:
Right, well, I'm engaged.

Office Jerk:
Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!

Marshall:
We're still engaged.

Bilson:
Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!

Marshall:
I want to give you the package.

Lily:
The package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.

Marshall:
Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.

Lily:
Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package!

[Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishly]

Little girl:
Do you have a fiancé?

Lily:
Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancé.

Robin:
Oh no, I don't have a fiancé.

Little girl:
Then who do you live with?

Robin:
Well, actually, I've got five dogs.

Little girl:
Don't you get lonely?

Robin:
No, I've got five dogs.

Little girl:
My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.

Robin:
Well, yeah, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady - does anybody else have questions?

Little boy:
Are you a lesbian?

Robin:
NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.

Sandy Rivers:
[to Robin] We should have sex.

Robin:
What?

Rivers:
Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least I'm good at it, and even if you're not, don't worry. I'll have a good time either way.

Robin:
Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don't get involved with people I work with.

Rivers:
Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts] Phone number, call me anytime. [reads teleprompter] A lot of teams in action tonight...

Barney:
[To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.

Marshall:
Do you really think that's true?

Barney:
Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.

Marshall:
Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!

Ted:
Mary, I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.

Mary:
No Ted, I'm a paralegal.

Ted:
You're a hooker.

Mary:
No, I'm a paralegal.

Ted:
No, you're a hooker.

Mary:
No, I'm a paralegal.

Ted:
[pause] You're a paralegal.

[Lily is freaking out because a New Jersey high school that has The 88 for a prom band wouldn't let them in. She thinks Barney's ideas of sneaking in may the only way to see the band.]

Ted:
You're getting on board with Barney's idea. Man, you really have snapped!

Lily:
It's nine weeks 'til the wedding. I'd say "yes" to just about anything.

Barney:
[saunters to Lily] Well...

Lily:
No, Barney.

Robin:
[She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?

Barney:
[Looks up] Horrible.

Lily:
You're gonna make such a great dad.

Barney:
You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home."

Wendy the Waitress:
Be careful, the plate is very hot!

Ted:
Oh go on, touch it.

Lily:
[touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!

[Lily admits to Ted about the arts program and how it could derail her and Marshall's wedding]

Lily:
There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?

Ted:
I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.

[Ted and Barney are in a library trying to recruit Barney's friend Penelope for a rain dance]

Penelope:
Why the hell should I help you?

Barney:
Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.

Penelope:
We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?

Barney:
Twice!

Penelope:
[loudly] Barney, there is no way I'm- [student shushes her]

Barney:
Seriously, come on.

Ted:
Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.

Penelope:
Why?

Ted:
There's this girl-

Penelope:
Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.

Ted:
But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!

Penelope:
This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?

Ted:
Absolutely.

Penelope:
Kinda like Barney?

Ted:
Kinda.

Barney:
Hey!

Penelope:
You hit on my mom!

Barney:
We weren't exclusive!

Penelope:
[To Ted] I'm in.

[Ted goes to Robin's apartment after the rains begin]

Ted:
Robin! Hey! Robin! Oh, thank God you're here!

Robin:
My camping trip got rained out!

Ted:
I know, I'm sorry.

Robin:
It's all your fault?

Ted:
Yeah, it is. Come down here.

Robin:
It's pouring! You come up!

Ted:
No, you have to come down here!

Robin:
Why?

Ted:
Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN! That's what I did today! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now get down here!

Robin:
I'm not dressed, Ted! Now come up!

Ted:
I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You have to come down here!

[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted.]

Robin:
I was gonna...

Ted:
I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]

Narrator:
Okay, where was I?

Daughter:
You were telling us how you met mom.

Son:
In excruciating detail.

Narrator:
Right. So, back in 2005 when I was 27, my 2 best friends got engaged, and it got me thinking. Maybe I should get married. And then, I saw Robin. She was incredible. I just knew I had to meet her. That's where your Uncle Barney came in.

Barney:
Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is seventeen years, eleven months old.

Mary:
You know that scene in Empire when they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's how Sandy gets his hair on in the morning?