Mr. Show with Bob and David, Season 2 (Nov. - Dec. 1996)

Harmon Peterson (Bob):
I don't know! Maybe this tree knows! Tree, excuse me, can you predict the future for me? No? Can I check back with you every two minutes for sixteen days? Great! Thanks!! Look - when I say there's no new information, that means there's NO NEW INFORMATION! I'm not trying to hide anything on ya, OK?!

Brinks Peterson (David):
Trying to get you the news without making a big production out of it.

Ernie (Bob):
The super pan is not magical. It will burn you.

Ernie (Bob):
She didn't believe me when I said the pan was super.

Ernie (Bob):
Oh, Nancy. You cannot fly. Only British people can fly! You shouldn't try to fly, and you shouldn't listen to British people!

Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob):
OK, sir, let's get this straight. Where are you coming from?

Mountain Dougie (David):
New Freeland.

Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob):
Where is that?

Mountain Dougie (David):
Montana.

Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob):
So you're already a U.S. Citizen.

Mountain Dougie (David):
No, I told you, I'm from New Freeland.

Marijuana smuggler #1 (David):
You can't shampoo a shampooer!

Marijuana smuggler #2 (John Ennis):
Then I took a balloon up my ass to Spain.

F.F. Woodycooks (Bob):
The guard knew he needed to conserve energy...and had had a large dinner.

F.F. Woodycooks (Bob):
You said it crime-stick! Those two were a couple of ding-a-lings! ... Now, who wants ice cream? If you want to learn more about how to take back the streets, and how sweet ice cream is, visit any one of my three ice cream-precinct locations.

David:
Perhaps I might have picked something up when I was in London a few whiffens past.

Jill Talley:
There's no such thing as a talking junkie!

David:
Bob's in there fuckin' shit up old-school, and I got kicked OUTTA school!

Mr. Applesway (Bob):
Next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head!

Great great great grandfather Applesway (Paul F. Tompkins):
Look! LOOK!!! An entire wall of nothing but hardcore gay anal sex. If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you're the one who's inhuman!

Ty McGinty/Mr. Tink/Great great great grandfather Applesway (David/Tom Kenny/Paul F. Tompkins):
Could I get some quarters?

Mr. Applesway (Bob):
Keep it down! There's people trying to masturbate down here!

Pootie T (David):
I ain't got no flyin' shoes.

Gold tooth in "Rap The Musical" (Bob):
Well, I'm an old gold tooth, and I'll tell you the truth. I live in the mouth of my homie.

Bob:
Third motherfuckin' time...

Bob:
I liked Bananarama...you liked that Bangles shit.

Dr. Ken Schwartz of "No Adults Allowed" (Bob):
I tell ya, this generation is worse than the hippies, the flappers, and the Nazis combined...at least the hippies gave us those fat watchbands, and the flappers could dance, and the Nazis had that song "Eight Days a Week".

Cafe Sidewalk Sign:
Dirty Slackers Stay Out!

Nathan, the exotic animal lover (David):
Just like I killed Bilbo...and the cockatiel...with a book!

Craig/Jeepers Creepers (David/Jack Black):
I was on the eighteenth hole!!!

"Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David):
Where ideas can hang out - and do whatever!

Van Hammersly (Bob):
And that's when Lincoln said, "Don't diss my homies".

Dad of "gay" son (John Ennis):
You gay bastard!!! No gay son of mine isn't not-gay, you better get gay or I'll make you gay!!!

"Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David):
Work Is Play! Tofutti Break Today!

"Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David):
Nuh uh, I'm not talking rain clouds on a sunny day.

"Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David):
Tofutti break!!

"Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David):
Tofutti...awaits...the greats...that make...mistaaaakes...To-FUTTI time!

Posted Sign:
Arbeit ist Spiel! (German for "work is play")

"Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David):
All these goats are retarded.

"Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David):
Goats are the only animals with an innate sense of democracy. That’s why they're called "Nature's President".

Greg Sniper's accountant (Bob):
He spent a hundred million dollars on a campaign to legalize tomatoes, which I assume worked, because I had a tomato yesterday, and I'm not in jail, am I?

Greg Sniper's accountant (Bob):
Goats are stupid, mean, and hardheaded animals. That’s why they're called "Nature's President".

Globo-Chem Theme Parks Division chairman (Bob):
When you see the new San Francisco, you'll say "San Fran-tastic!"

Globo-Chem Theme Parks Division chairman (Bob):
We are sensitive to the needs of those suffering from homophobia. So in our new San Francisco, we got rid of the dirt, but kept the pansies by creating "Bachelorland".

Older Superstar (Jill Talley):
Dick lickers!

Sir Isaac Newton (Paul F. Tompkins):
My father touched my butthole. This made me thirst for knowledge.

Ty Keenan, basketball recruiter (Bob):
I'm thinking about of running away from my grandma's house.

Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley):
So Todd - you know we're considering you for this big promotion, right?

Husband in "A Second Wind" (David):
Yes sir.

Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley):
Well, what'd you think of my wife's casserole?

Husband in "A Second Wind" (David):
Uhh...it was good!

Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley):
Really? I don't hear you farting.

Bob:
Charity is when you do something for people while other people are watching.

Gary, the blind guy Bob "helps" (David):
Bob? BOB?! I don't spend my day fucking around on a television show. I have a company to run.

Droopy (Bob):
Keep the shaaaaaahnge.

Movie exec with cat eyes (David):
Where's your golden public now? I'll tell you where. They're all laughing. Laughing at you. They're laughing at the big fat asshole.

Movie exec boss (John Ennis):
We'll sue the pants off of 'em!!!

Movie exec (Bob):
And then we'll sell them pants!

Judge in "Coupon:
The Movie" trial (Bob): May I remind you that I am not on trial here ... until next week.

"Coupon:
The Movie" trial witness (Paul F. Tompkins): It was a baaaaabyyyyyyy!!!

"Coupon:
The Movie" viewer (David): I saw the shit out of it!