Reba, Season 2

Reba:
What kind of a moron can't make toast?

Brock:
I want you to apologize to Barbra Jean.

Reba:
Hold on a second. [goes outside and looks up]

Brock:
What are you doing?

Reba:
Checking for flying pigs.

Van:
Mrs. H., you have to maintain a "C"- average. Who do you think I am, Albert Weinstein?

Reba:
Van, I think you mean Albert Einstein.

Van:
No, I mean Albert Weinstein. He was the smart kid in the senior class. [sarcastically] Wow, Einstein!

Reba:
[to Kyra] We'll skate, we'll play Candy Land, we'll go down to the river and shoot rats if you want.

Reba:
Well, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a job. [everyone laughs; Reba has a serious look on her face]

Cheyenne:
Oh, you were serious?

Kyra:
Mom, what's with the smiley face sticker?

Reba:
Don't ask.

Brock:
You know, Barbara Jean wants this to work out more than anyone. She considers you a friend.

Reba:
Why?! Why does she like me so much!

Brock:
Everyone likes you, Reba. That's your curse.

Reba:
Look, Brock, I'm just trying to do my job. So, your 3:00 teeth cleaning is waiting on you, at 4:00, you got a root canal and at 7:00, you should have sex with your wife. Coffee?

Brock:
D-did you just say what I think you said??

Reba:
Well, I must have, my whole mouth just went numb!

Kyra:
I thought you said Barbra Jean is where brain cells go when they die.

Reba [to Cheyenne] Hey. I brought you a corner piece.

Cheyenne:
I don't feel like eating cake right now.

Reba:
[sits down next to Cheyenne] But you always like a corner piece. I remember when you were little...

Cheyenne:
My baby is crying, Mom. [A tear falls down her cheek]

Reba:
Oh, I thought that was Van.

Reba:
Cheyenne, I know this is tough.

Cheyenne:
Really you do??

Reba:
Yeah, sweetie. I do. I remember sitting outside your door fretting the same way, but I knew in my heart it was the best thing for you.

Cheyenne:
Well, it doesn't feel right in my heart. You know all these things that are supposed to be the right things to do, in the morning when I leave her to go to school, when I come home and she's already in bed, and when I have to study French Philosophy instead of playing peek-a-boo with her, well, they just don't feel right, Mom. Not to me.

Van:
What's up with the teenager?

Reba:
I don't know, she's been awful moody lately. I can't figure out why.

Van:
Thirteen-year-old girl, could be anything. School, friends, stock market.

Greg:
Greg Hewitt, Dylan's father.

Reba:
Reba Hart, Kyra's nightmare.

Kyra:
[to Reba about Dylan] I don't like him anymore. He's a huge crybaby. At first I thought he was sensitive, but he's a huge crybaby. He cries at the drop of a hat. I mean literally he dropped his hat and burst into tears.

Reba:
Barbra Jean, get out of my house.

Reba:
I bet he cried! Did he cry like a little school girl?

Barbra Jean:
More like whimpers really. [makes whimpering sounds]

Brock:
[about Reba dating again] Actually, I think you should do it.

Reba and Lori Ann:
What!?

Brock:
Yeah, it's been long enough. You deserve to be happy.

Reba:
So, you two agree that I should go out?

Brock and Lori Ann:
Yeah.

Reba:
Well, if you two agree on something, then maybe I should do it!

Kyra:
[about babysitting Jake] It's not fair! Why can't you babysit Jake?! I mean, you're married with a kid. I still have a life!

Cheyenne:
What is the big deal? I used to babysit you all the time!

Kyra:
Yeah, right! You used to stick me in my room while you sat on the couch making out with your boyfriend!

Cheyenne:
[smiles] Oh, right!

Kyra:
Hurry up and open the door. I want to meet my new daddy.

Reba:
I don't think people should ring-a-ding to see if they fall in love. I think people should ring-a-ding because they're already in love.

Brock:
Kyra, we are not leaving!

Kyra:
Why don't you just give me the room key and I'll go watch the moving picture box.

Cheyenne:
Mom, you can relax. You have a great body.

Reba:
Oh, well, this is an awkward mother-daughter moment.

Cheyenne [to Reba] Mom, don't worry. I'm sure he thinks you look great naked.

Reba:
I think your father is ready to go! [starts pushing Cheyenne through the door]

Cheyenne:
What are you so freaked out about? We can talk about stuff like his.

Reba:
Cheyenne, stop! This is none of your business. You are my child, not my girlfriend. I appreciate your interest and that you think Brian has a "hot" body, but this isn't something I'm comfortable talking to you about.

Cheyenne:
Mom, I may be your daughter, but I am also a married woman. I think this is great as long as you two are being careful. You are being careful, right?

Reba:
Cheyenne! Yes! Very careful! 100% fool-proof careful!

Cheyenne:
Oh. I just thought...

Reba:
No!

Cheyenne:
Not even a little bit?

Reba:
I don't fully understand that question, but no.

Reba:
[to Brock] I didn't buy a bike, you butt!

Barbra Jean:
What can I do?

Reba:
Well, you can stand out on the front porch and monitor the weather.

Reba:
Don't worry about Kyra. She's at that age where she doesn't want to be part of the family anymore. You hit that age at about 40, right, Brock?

Brock:
Reba, you're making a big mistake.

Reba:
Said the man who married Barbra Jean.

Barbra Jean:
Wow. The last time I was video-taped in a bedroom, I didn't know about it.

Reba:
You gave Cheyenne a beautiful ring.

Van:
Even better. I gave her a love for inexpensive jewelry!

Barbra Jean:
Brock got me this engagement ring. I think some old lady died and it's an antiquity.

Reba:
Barbara jean that's my engagement ring!

Kyra:
Wearing an engagement ring from a ruined marriage? That's like wearing the clothes of a dead person.

Reba:
Which is why you are going to find a 30-page essay named "Teenagers having babies is stupid, stupid, stupid."

Kyra:
It's a shame that speedy isn't going to greet you at the door anymore.

Reba:
[opens the door] Barbra Jean? Have you been standing here?

Barbra Jean:
Yes! For 30 minutes.

Reba:
Okay. [closes the door]

Reba:
I crushed her dream of going to England, then I threw up a cookie.

Reba:
Kyra! It's not funny that you're going to England. It's exciting! And all that because you are a good student and you like drinking tea.

Reba:
[to Cheyenne] Do you know what I'm doing? I'm making macaroni and cheese. Do you know why I'm making macaroni and cheese? Because it's Kyra's favorite, and somehow I have to tell her that she doesn't get to go on a trip that she wants and deserves to go on because I have to bail you out again. And I have to do that with macaroni and cheese!

Cheyenne:
Mom, I promise I'll take all the courses that I dropped.

Reba:
Why don't you find a course that gets your head out of your butt?

Van:
I don't think they have one or else my counselor would've told me about it.

Reba:
I'm looking for my gun. Did you know that you can see Barbra Jean's house from here?

Reba:
You know, Barbra Jean, you don't have to lean through my window. You can get completely off my property.

Reba:
So that's why you bought a four-bedroom house! So Kyra could move in!

Brock:
No! We needed a room for Henry.

Barbra Jean:
And I'm thinking of turning the spare bedroom into a library!

Reba:
Well, that'll be one lonely book!