SpongeBob SquarePants, Season 7

Patrick:
[laughing] My shorts are wet!

Squidward:
Patrick, just how dumb are you?

Patrick:
It varies.

Squidward:
[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing] That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen.

SpongeBob:
[to Squidward] Who put you on the planet? Ugh!!

Twin Sisters:
[singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly!

Talent Agent:
That was very cute, girls! [then annoyed] In fact, it's too cute. You're out.

Twin Sisters:
I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too!

Cracker:
What am I, chopped liver?

Offscreen voice:
No, that's what I am. [zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]

Mrs. Puff:
[in her sleep] Must...protect garden.

Squidward's house:
Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway.

SpongeBob:
I guess crying does solve your problems after all.

[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]

Plankton:
Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm.

Mr. Krabs:
The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-

Plankton:
Jackpot!

Spongebob:
Huh?

Mr, Krabs:
I said-

SpongeBob:
Could you speak a little louder, please?

Mr. Krabs:
The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-

SpongeBob:
What?

Mr. Krabs:
Hold on.

Plankton:
Here it comes!

Mr. Krabs:
[shouting into a megaphone] THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...! [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]

Plankton:
OW! I hate my life!

Plankton:
Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...[he arrives at...] The brain!

[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]

Plankton:
Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? [sees the parts of the brain] -"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless!

Mr. Krabs/Plankton:
Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector?

Health inspector:
Did somebody call a... Health inspector?

[SpongeBob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary]

SpongeBob:
I'll take that one right there!

Store Owner:
You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh?

SpongeBob:
Oh yeah this is the one. [picks one of them]

Store Owner:
Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet!

SpongeBob:
Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy!

Store Owner:
You must understand. These pets can be very unstable. especially around other pets!

[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]

SpongeBob:
[obliviously] Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. [he runs off]

Store Owner:
Why bother? They never listen.

SpongeBob:
Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with.

[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]

SpongeBob:
Gary! Shame on you! [takes Gary back in the living room] Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. [he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy] See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. [goes back to bed]

[After SpongeBob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]

SpongeBob:
Hmm, that's interesting. Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh, well, what are you gonna do? [opens the galley door which falls over] That's unusual. WHOA! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! [gasps] And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! [gasps] My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake. Who could've done this? There was no one here except for... [mistakenly realizes something] ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend.

Patrick:
Hey! [flips over box] Where's the toy?

SpongeBob:
Oh, it doesn't come with a toy.

Patrick:
What!? That's a rip off! I want my money back!

[Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs taking a money bath]

Mr. Krabs:
[wakes up] Money back?! [walks out of office with towel wrapped around him] What's the problem here?

Patrick:
My Kiddy meal didn't come with a toy!

Mr. Krabs:
Hmm. And you'd like to upgrade to the toy package is that right?

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, the Krusty Krab doesn't have any toys.

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, really? [takes Krabby Patty away from customer] Then what do you call?... [fixes Krabby Patty] this? [The Krabby Patty now has eyes, legs, a mouth, and arms made from kitchen ingredients; Patrick and SpongeBob gasp]

SpongeBob:
An officially "licensed" Krusty Krab toy? [smiles]

Patrick:
Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep...

SpongeBob:
Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy!

Patrick:
I can't go out! I just washed my hair!

SpongeBob:
You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!

Patrick:
Got any ID?

SpongeBob:
I have my milkshake dispenser operator license.

Patrick:
[looks at it] Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now!

SpongeBob:
Well, I guess I had best be going! [Pretends to walk away] I'm walking away...Here I go... [quietly] I'm gone now! [hides on Patrick's antenna]

Patrick:
You sure?

SpongeBob:
I'm sure! [Patrick comes out, he jumps at him] Hi, Patrick! Time to SHARE!

Patrick:
DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!

SpongeBob:
Oh, and you were washing your hair!?!

Patrick:
I was too, See? [shows his armpit hair]

SpongeBob:
[Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer!

Patrick:
Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!

Gary:
Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house]

SpongeBob:
Hand it over, Patrick! I get to play with the Patty Pal today!

Patrick:
You can't take it, It's not fair!

SpongeBob:
How about I take it for half a day?

Patrick:
Mm-mm!

SpongeBob:
How about we trade off every hour?

Patrick:
Mm-mm!

SpongeBob:
Every half hour?

Patrick:
Mm-mm!

SpongeBob:
Every fifteen minutes?

Patrick:
Mm-mm!

SpongeBob:
Five minutes?

Patrick:
Mm-mm!

SpongeBob:
One minute?

Patrick:
N-n-no!

SpongeBob:
Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every second!

[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]

Patrick:
One.

SpongeBob:
One.

Patrick:
One.

[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]

Mr. Krabs:
: Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money!

SpongeBob:
: [lending money to another crab] 25, 26...

Squidward:
Order up, SpongeBob!

[walk towards SpongeBob]

Squidward:
SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff!

SpongeBob:
I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now?

Squidward:
Velvet..

SpongeBob:
Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please!

Squidward:
Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge-

[bumps into an eagle head]

Eagle:
I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here.

Squidward:
uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet.

Eagle:
Your clarinet?

Squidward:
: Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner.

[Eagle laughs]

Eagle:
A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here?

Squidward:
You calling me a LIAR?!

[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]

Eagle:
I don't appreciate your tone.

Squidward:
I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you.

Eagle:
This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect.

Squidward:
[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly] I've learned.. [loosely] I've learned respect...

Eagle:
I don't believe you.

[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]

Plankton:
Observe in this conveniently timed flashback.

SpongeBob:
Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores.

Everyone:
YEAH! [SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]

Plankton:
Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible!

Larry Lobster:
Not if we have anything to do with it!

SpongeBob:
Larry Lobster!

Larry Lobster:
That's right, pal, but that's not all. [Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]

SpongeBob:
Sandy Squirrel! [Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd] Mrs. Puff! [Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd] Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! [Patrick walks walk out from the crowd] Patrick!

Patrick:
Su-Su-Su-Su!

SpongeBob:
And Squidward! [Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]

Fish 3:
Nope, that's everybody!

Larry Lobster:
Push! [He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push] Harder! [They push harder]

SpongeBob:
Harder still!

Fish 3:
You heard the little square guy, yeah! [Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]

Plankton:
Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! [Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!] My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! [Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]

Everyone:
YEAH! [The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]

Mr. Krabs:
Praise Neptune.

SpongeBob:
[Singing] Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!

Jellyfish:
Clap!

SpongeBob:
Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!

Jellyfish:
Clap!

Everyone:
[Singing] Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!

Jellyfish:
Clap!

Everyone:
Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg! [The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]

Ranger:
[bored voice] Everyone sing along. [switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]

Mermaid Men:

#2:
[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick] Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce!

#1:
Imposters!

#2:
Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... [pans to Patrick] ...That fool!

#1:
If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first!

#2:
I’m gonna make you eat those words!

#1:
Bring It! [gets "slapped"] Take this! ["punches" himself's hair] I’ll never let you win!

#2:
Oh, yes I will!

Young:
What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy?

Young Barnacle Boy:
Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I...

Man Ray:
[laughs wickedly] You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared!

Young Mermaid Man:
Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. [takes out a paper and it dissolves] Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. [pours tartar sauce on the Man Ray, but two Patricks fall off the can]

Patrick 2:
Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce.

Patrick 1:
Yes, you have.

Patrick 2:
Well, it sure ain't sittin' right.

Man Ray:
[laughs wickedly] Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! [blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly] Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! [is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]

SpongeBob 2:
[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine] Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce!

Man Ray:
You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! [another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming] So how...

SpongeBob 4:
[the time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick] I told you we had to go back farther!

Man Ray:
Uh... [tries to think but another time machine comes]

Mermaid Man 3:
Up, up, and away! [the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]

SpongeBob 5:
[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also] Now, Patrick! [he along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]

Man Ray:
I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? [Man Ray 2's machine comes] Another machine? [Man Ray 2 comes out]

Man Ray 2:
[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly] I took care of your blasted time machine! [laughs again and flies away]

Man Ray:
Uh! I got to sit down and think this through.

Young Mermaid Man:
[chains Man Ray] Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome.

Man Ray:
I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here.

Young Mermaid Man:
It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick.

Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks:
You're welcome!

SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6:
[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes] Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello!

One Other Patrick:
Hey! Oh, I can't believe it!

One Other SpongeBob:
We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever.

SpongeBob 7:
[another time machine appears] Hey, how you doing?

Patrick 7:
We're here.

Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks:
[two time machines appear] Oh, hi there! How you doing?

Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick:
Hello! Hello!

Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks:
[more appear] Oh hi there! [More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space] Hello! Hello!

Patrick:
Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen?

SpongeBob:
Those are called "End Credits", Patrick.

Patrick:
End credits? But I don't want it to end!

SpongeBob:
That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! [pushes a button]

Patrick:
Thank you, Neptune! [The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]

SpongeBob:
He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I- [opens the trash lid and begins crying] -I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window]

Squidward:
SpongeBob, will you stop crying?!

SpongeBob:
But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he...

Squidward:
Krabby Patty nothing!

SpongeBob:
I-

Squidward:
[shouting] KRABBY PATTY NOTHING! [breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers] What now?

SpongeBob:
[stifled] You yelled at me... [wailing] YOU YELLED AT ME! [continues sobbing]

Squidward:
All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times.

SpongeBob:
And you wrote that number on a chalkboard.

Squidward:
Yes!

SpongeBob:
Why?

Squidward:
[pauses for a second] I have no idea.

SpongeBob:
Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain.

Squidward:
Au contraire. [turns on a TV]

SpongeBob:
What's this?

Squidward:
It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years.

[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]

SpongeBob:
[in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper.

Narrator:
Thousands of tears later...

[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]

SpongeBob:
Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore.

Squidward:
Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying.

SpongeBob:
[realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings]

Patrick:
[answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking.

SpongeBob:
Hey, Patrick.

Patrick:
Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already?

SpongeBob:
No, I'm still at work.

Patrick:
How can I help you?

SpongeBob:
Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying?

Patrick:
[mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can.

SpongeBob:
Okay, great, thanks, Patrick.

Patrick:
Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you?

SpongeBob:
Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is.

Patrick:
Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there.

SpongeBob:
[chuckles] Okay.

Patrick:
Yeah, talk to you later.

SpongeBob:
All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet.

Squidward:
[shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year.

SpongeBob:
Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter?

Squidward:
Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes.

Karen:
My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time?

Plankton:
Krabs had a whale!

Karen:
You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter?

Plankton:
I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?!

[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]

Karen:
Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened.

Plankton:
[crying] What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! [lies down] That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now.

SpongeBob:
Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road?

Plankton:
Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me?

SpongeBob:
I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature.

Plankton:
Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself.

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, I know you and Plankton are enemies and all, but... putting on a dress to frighten him? Isn't that taking it a little too far?

SpongeBob:
Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption!

Squidward:
Here, enjoy!

SpongeBob:
[tries not to cry] Bless you all.

Patrick:
I like throwing food. [chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]

SpongeBob:
OW!

All:
FOOD FIGHT!

Squidward:
AAAAAHH!

Patrick:
Haw haw! Ah haw haw! [hurls an anchor]

[Scene cuts to the Chum Bucket]

SpongeBob:
[bangs on the door] Plankton!

Plankton:
[opens the door and comes out] What?

SpongeBob:
Sandy's in trouble. I need help rescuing her.

Plankton:
[gets some dynamite with a timer on it] I'm kind of busy right now.

SpongeBob:
[about the bomb] Jeepers, it'll only take a minute.

Plankton:
Yeah, uh, I'd love to help, but I really got to go. [picks up the dynamite and carries it towards the Krusty Krab, and the dynamite blows up before Plankton gets to the Krusty Krab] Ouch.