Arrested Development, Season 2

Tobias:
You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.

Lindsay:
Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias:
No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

Dr. Fishman:
Excuse me, Mrs Fünke.

Lucille:
Oh, this guy again.

Michael:
How is he, doctor?

Dr. Fishman:
It looks like he's dead.

Lucille:
Oh, my God!

Gob:
Oh, little guy. The tears aren't comin'! The tears just aren't comin'!

Michael:
Uh, just to be clear: looks like he's dead, or he is dead?

Dr. Fishman:
It just looks like he's dead. He's got, like, blue paint on him or something. But he's going to be fine.

Gob:
What is wrong with you?

Maeby:
This [bleep]ing doctor!

Dr. Fishman:
I'll let you celebrate privately.

Narrator:
Tobias went to a try-out for the Blue Man Group hoping to be seen.

[Tobias gets hit by a car]

Narrator:
Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he couldn't be seen.

Lindsay:
What did he say? Tell me the last thing he said.

Tobias:
[in flashback] I'm afraid I just blue myself.

Michael:
He said some wonderful things.

Michael:
Well, I better get over there before he brings the whole company down.

Lindsay:
It's only been three hours. How much damage could he really do?

Narrator:
In three hours, Gob had done $45,000 in damage.

Lucille:
It's not fair to Buster. He's a nervous wreck right now. He's going into the Army, for God's sake.

Michael:
You volunteered him.

Lucille:
I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

Lucille:
I want you out of the house.

Oscar:
Oh, I want you everywhere.

Tom Jane:
I just want my kids back.

Michael:
[to Gob] Get rid of the Seaward.

Lucille:
I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Tobias:
I know you're the big marriage expert. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot your wife is dead! [beat] I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate and I do apologize profusely. I'm, oh...

Michael:
We have a private eye, huh?

Lucille:
Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.

Michael:
Well, he can't be very good then.

Narrator:
Buster was finding himself right at home.

Buster:
Oh, my God! I used to have a shirt just like that.

Narrator:
It was Buster's old shirt. Lucille had given it to Lupe.

Buster:
And the hand chair! I had one in my room! I wonder where that went.

Narrator:
It went right there.

Buster:
[touching his hand chair] I'd never thought I'd miss a hand so much.

Michael:
Ann-Hog's coming? Well, load her up in the car.

Maeby:
Is there any way I can divorce them?

Barry:
Oh, sure. It's called emancipation. But you've got to prove that you're living in an unstable environment.

Maeby:
Both my parents are trying to have affairs. Of course, they haven't succeeded yet.

Lucille:
What are you doing home?

Buster:
Army had half a day.

Michael:
I think George Michael's hiding Ann in the attic.

Lindsay:
From who? The Nazis?

Tobias:
Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. [imitating John Wayne] I'm not gonna cry about my Pa. I'm gonna build an airport. Put my name on it. [speaking normally] Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings?

Narrator:
As a child, Buster had a beloved parakeet. But after landing on his mother's housekeeper's head, it flew away. And into a transformer. When Buster found out, he destroyed the family's kitchen, believing this to be where Rosa lived.

Lindsay:
[to Maeby] You know what? I'm going to throw on a skirt, take off my underwear, and make your Pop-pop proud!

George Michael:
I have Pop-Pop in the attic.

Michael:
What? The mere fact that you call making love "pop pop" tells me you're not ready.

Oscar:
God willing, he'll fail boot camp.

Michael:
Well, why wouldn't he? He already failed day camp.

Gob:
I'm the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails.

Buster:
Wow, that does sound like a little girl.

Lindsay:
No, you're not going to that. You see, if I show up with you, it'll just make me seem like I'm a mother.

Maeby:
I've never thought of you that way.

Lindsay:
That's sweet.

Michael:
My mom is very stressed out, and uh, she needs something that I can't give her, um... maybe a little afternoon delight?

Narrator:
Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Delight, a strand famous for slowing behavior.

Oscar:
Well, sure, the question is: Which way do I try to get it in her?

Michael:
I don't need any details.

Oscar:
Maybe I'll put it in her brownie.

Michael:
Hey!

Gob:
I did the right thing, Michael. If I don't fire them, how do I teach a lesson to the others?

Michael:
There are no others. You fired everyone.

Lucille:
Get me a vodka rocks.

Michael:
Mom, it's breakfast.

Lucille:
And a piece of toast.

Sitwell:
The only thing I ask is, out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city.

Gob:
That's great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we're saying?

Michael:
...We lost our entire outfield, and a couple of court cases.

George Michael:
You know who would be great-and not at all litigious-is Ann.

Michael:
[to Buster] Maybe it's time you got out there and started meeting people. You know? Meeting women. Meeting women who didn't give birth to you.

Gob:
So you take your mom to work every day? Bummer. Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It's, like, die already!

Lindsay:
Oh, hi, Mom. I have the afternoon free.

Lucille:
Really? Did "nothing" cancel?

Tobias:
My wife is humiliated. This is my chance to right the small wrong that I did.

Michael:
You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.

Tobias:
I haven't been the perfect husband, yes; I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.

George Sr.:
My back is in knots. I haven't had a massage since prison.

Michael:
Hope that was forced.

Lucille:
She'd love to get at me any way she could. That's why she's been flirting with Gob. She's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am, but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for Gob.

Michael:
I think that makes the joke on Gob.

Michael:
[looking at a gift basket] Didn't you get one of those, too? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.

Tobias:
I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

Michael:
There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Tobias:
Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren't you? I tell you, you can sink your arrow into my buttocks any time.

Michael:
Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you're going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

Tobias:
Butterscotch! Want a lick?

Tobias:
[after Michael asks Tobias to buy a tape recorder to record himself speaking] You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word "afraid"?

Michael:
Well, I know I did in the jacuzzi.

Tobias:
And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own recordings to see what Michael was referring to.

Tobias:
[on tape] Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!

Tobias:
Nothing wrong with that.

Tobias:
[on tape] I've been in the film business for a while but I just cant seem to get one in the can.

Tobias:
That's out of context...

Tobias:
[on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.

Narrator:
And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.

Tobias:
Tobias... you blowhard! [chuckles]

Buster:
Hey, fake Uncle Jack.

Lindsay:
Well Gob doesn't do anything for the family...

Gob:
Hey... I'm [bleep]ing Lucille 2!

Lindsay:
Oh! I could do something like that...

Tobias:
You know, mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.

Lucille:
You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.

Tobias:
Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.

Lindsay:
That's the first time we were in the shower since our honeymoon.

Tobias:
And this time, no tears!

Dr. Fishman:
Excuse me, are you the Bluths?

Lucille:
Not Doctor Wordsmith. How's my son?

Dr. Fishman:
He's going to be all right.

Oscar:
Oh, thank God.

Lindsay:
Finally, some good news from this guy.

George Michael:
There's no other way to take that.

Dr. Fishman:
That's a great attitude. I gotta tell you, if I was given this news, I don't know if I would take it this well.

Lucille:
But... you said he was alright.

Dr. Fishman:
Yes. He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be all right.

Lucille:
You son of a bitch. I hate this doctor!

Michael:
Mom, after all these years, God's not going to take a call from you.

Gob:
The cow is coming after me.

Michael:
Your wife? She was super-thin.

Gob:
She was? What about her cans? She have big cans?

Michael:
You don't remember her at all, do you?

Gob:
Hey, it was one night of wild passion!

Michael:
And yet you didn't notice her body?

Gob:
I like to look in the mirror.

Lindsay:
Oh, God. Not that "I'm in love with my mother" dance thing. I'm so glad there wasn't one of those for daddies and daughters.

Lucille:
Of course they have father-daughter dances.

Lindsay:
They do? He never took me?

Lucille:
It was before we did your nose. Toodle-oo.

Michael:
So then, he's more popular than George Michael?

Maeby:
Well, that's like comparing apples and some fruit nobody's ever heard of.

Michael:
You've got to be the laziest person in the world.

Lindsay:
If you weren't all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.

The Narrator:
...And Steve Holt finally tracks down his real father.

Steve Holt:
I've been wondering my whole life who he is. A scientist, a doctor, a senator?

Agency worker:
Well, we got some bad news. [Hands Steve a picture of Gob]

Steve Holt:
Wow... Is that what's gonna happen to my hair?

Buster:
Hey! I'm finally being treated like a real person. Not some deformed...

Gob:
Ah! Hook. I forgot about that there, Elephant Man. We'll have to find something to do so that people can look at you without wanting to kill themselves.

Lucille:
My baby is sick, but Mother is here to nurse you.

Michael:
Well, now I'm a little sicker.

Gob:
Michael, I've been looking for you.

Michael:
Looks like you're looking for dragons... In the future.

George Michael:
Ann just called. They had a pre-dawn mass. Then they were going to mass, so...

Michael:
Ann's got a great deal of mass.

Michael:
Don't you think they're a bit too young [to get involved]?

Rev. Veal:
Well, we got serious around his age.

Michael:
[Glancing at the reverend's wife] Well-who can blame you? You gotta lock that down...

Scandalmakers Narrator:
When allegations surfaced that he'd illegally built homes in Iraq, George Bluth Sr., assisted by his secretary, Kitty, escaped the country...

Narrator:
Due to poor acting, the burden of the story was placed on the narrator.

Scandalmakers Narrator:
...only to be found hiding under one of the homes that he himself built.

Narrator:
He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show's narrator was known for.

Tobias:
[As George] I cannot survive under the house. Perhaps an attic shall I seek.

Narrator:
Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.

Gob:
Well, gee, I never thought the woman I'd be checking out at spring break would be Mom.

Buster:
She's better looking than the whores you date.

Gob:
Don't call my escorts "whores."

Buster:
Mom's still got it!

Gob:
I DON'T DATE WHORES!

Lindsay:
Stop it, stop it. This objectification of women has to stop.

Michael:
It's just Mom and whores.

Lucille:
Oh, please. I've been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol's the reason I'm here, I got news for you, bub. It's the only reason you're here, too.

Michael:
Hey, look at that. You're mean sober, too.

Gob:
Why don't you get Gob to do your dirty work for you? Shall I knock Dad out and chain him to a pipe somewhere, or should I risk another herpes outbreak with Kitty? Which is it this time, Michael?

Michael:
Well, definitely neither of those two things.

Narrator:
Gob had hidden his father under a house that had just collapsed.

Gob:
[Seeing George Michael and Maeby] Children - you're small. Crawl under there.