Batman: The Animated Series, Season 2

Killer Croc:
You know, there's something the brains back at the joint didn't think about.

The Prison Guard:
Yeah, what's that?

Killer Croc:
Crocodile has the strongest jaws of any animal around. [Bites the handcuffs in half]

The Prison Guard:
[Spits the coffee out of his mouth and pins Croc with the shotgun] Get back!

[Batman arrives with his shadow. Goliath wakes up and Batman covers Goliath's mouth by calming him down]

Batman:
Calm down, I won't hurt you. I'm just looking for someone: half man, half crocodile. [Goliath looks over worriedly] He's in there, isn't he?

Goliath:
[Pushes Batman to the cage] No! Stay away! [Holds him against it] He's one of us. Croc, run!

Batman:
[Kicks Goliath into the stomach] I don't wanna hurt you.

Goliath:
Don't worry, you won't. [Hits Batman with the big punch and Batman and Goliath starts fighting]

Killer Croc:
[Comes out of the house] You. [Gives Batman a spear]

Billy:
Richard, help!

Alfred:
We are speaking of the same person, are we not? Harvey Bullock? The detective who looks like an unmade bed?

Montoya:
Bullock? You okay? You don't look so good. I mean, you never look good, but today you look worse.

Two-Face:
Basic fifty-fifty option. You get him off, you both go free. He goes down, you take the fall with him.

Mad Hatter:
Amusing idea, what? Kidnapping you to be Batman's attorney?

Two-Face:
Personally, I suggested a quick slug between the eyes... but I lost the coin toss.

Scarface:
Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury.

Mad Hatter:
Hang him!

Harley:
Shoot him!

Killer Croc:
Hit him with a rock!

Scarface:
And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!

Joker:
GUILTY!

Lucius Fox:
Without a doubt, this will be one of the best museum exhibitions Gotham City has ever seen. You can be quite the humanitarian on occasion, Bruce. It's commendable. It's inspiring.

Bruce:
It's deductible.

Bruce:
You've got a serious priority problem, Ra's. What can be in that tomb that's more valuable than the love of your daughter?

Ra's Al Ghul:
Power, detective. The power once held by almighty Thoth-Khepera, Queen of Two Continents.

Bruce:
You surprise me, Ra's. The world's oldest chauvinist chasing after a woman?

Batman:
She's done nothing more incriminating than return an overdue video - even paid the late fee.

Alfred:
Could it be Ivy truly has reformed?

Batman:
I want to believe it. Why can't I?

Warren:
Is this all you do for kicks, Bruce? Charity work?

Bruce:
Well, I do have a night life.

Batman:
Scoundrels like these are worse than the Joker. At least he's got madness as an excuse!

Robin:
Are you sure you don't need help keeping Zippy Longyapping here under control?

Batman:
I'm fine! Besides I need you to be ready if Gordon's men get any leads, I'll signal if there's trouble.

Robin:
You got it!

Harley:
I wanna listen to the radio.

Batman:
Don't! [Harley Quinn deploys a parachute, causing the Batmobile to swerve wildly. When the Batmobile stops, Batman is furious]

Harley:
Oops!

Batman:
Listen, and listen good! You don't touch anything, say anything, or DO ANYTHING UNLESS I TELL YOU! GOT IT?!

Harley:
Yes, sir!

Batman:
[turns away, Harley begins making faces at him] So far Joker hasn't been seen in any of his old hideouts. I want you to show me the last place he used when he escaped. [catches her making a face, which she replaces with a sheepish grin]

Harley:
Okay!

Joker:
Instead of taking you, the cops, and the Batman down separately? I'm gonna blast you all at once! [takes out his phone and speaks into it] Send down the plane, boys! We're blowing town! Literally. [gets off the phone]

Mayor:
But all those innocent people...

Joker:
Some joke on them, eh? Think of it as the ultimate punchline! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Batman:
It's just lucky you were here, Quinn. Joker didn't have enough time to swing by Arkham to pick you up.

Joker:
Quiet, brat.

Harley:
You WERE gonna come for me, weren't you, Puddin'?

Joker:
Of course, pumpkin pie! It's just that... well, here you are so I can... save myself the trip.

Harley:
But what about our friends, Poison Ivy, Two Face, Hat Guy, Lizard Man and Puppet Head and... [Joker shoves Harley into the plane]

Joker:
What about them?

Batman:
Don't forget your pets!

Harley:
[gets out of the plane] The babies! We can't forget the babies!

Joker:
[shoves Harley into the plane again] I'll buy you a goldfish. Let's go!

Harley:
[Points the gun against Joker] Freeze, clown!

Batman:
[Run with Robin near Harley] Quinn, stop!

Harley:
He's mine, Bats!

Joker:
You wouldn't dare. You don't have the guts.. Not in a million years, would you..

[Harley pulls the trigger - and a flag that reads "Bang!" comes out of the barrel. The Joker stares at her for a moment, and throws his arms wide to embrace her]

Joker:
Baby, you're the greatest!

Mayor Hill:
You! But how did you get past...

The Clock King:
Good evening, Mayor! Nice to see you again too. And whose life are you ruining now? A poor pensioner? A malnourished orphan, perhaps?

Batman:
It's a shame that you've decided to keep this device a secret.

Dr. Wataki:
It would seem that the world is not quite ready for it yet.

Robin:
Gee, that's too bad for Fugate. I'm sure he'll wish he had something to make the days pass quicker where he's going.

Catwoman:
What a pleasant surprise. Though I should warn you - breaking and entering is against the law.

Batman:
You should know.

Scarface:
I thawt I thaw a putty tat!

Thorne:
You almost didn't get paid. You're lucky these diamonds didn't get nabbed in the smuggling bust.

Bane:
No, Mr. Thorne. You are the lucky one. [He punches the punching bag across the room]

Batman:
He wrecked my car, Alfred. Between two guys, that's REAL personal.

Bane:
Toys. You try to fight me with pathetic little TOYS. You've got nothing! Beg for mercy! SCREAM MY NAME!

Batman:
Never.

Bane:
You are beaten! Now I will break you!

[At Wayne Manor, Summer Gleeson is on the telephone talking to Marv Wolfman at her office.]

Summer Gleeson:
The people have a right to know, and if he won't talk to us I'll call you back, Marv. [to Batman and Robin] Since when are you interested in has-been actors?

Batman:
Since that one's been kidnapping her costars.

Summer Gleeson:
You're serious?

Robin:
She's been picking them off, one by one. Any reason she'd have a grudge?

Summer Gleeson:
Actually, THEY should hate HER. Dahl put them out of work when she quit the series to become a dramatic actress.

Robin:
[Watching episodes of Baby Doll's old TV show] You remember when Poison Ivy had us tangled up in those vines? The ones with the REALLY big thorns?

Batman:
Yes.

Robin:
[Gestures at TV] This is worse.

Baby Doll:
[after her TV brother is rendered unconscious by her bodyguard] Sorry I had to play roughs, Tippy. I didn't mean to.

Robin:
[Mariam kicks Robin around] Wow, lady! You're good!

Mariam:
It's a living...

[Baby Doll goes after at Batman in a fun house tunnel maze]

Baby Doll:
Game's over, Mr. Batman! I WIN! [Batman fires his grappling gun, knocking the doll-gun down a slide] No fair! [runs to retrieve it, and stumbles into a room full of fun-house mirrors. Picks up the gun, wandering through the various distorted reflections, until she comes to one that shows her as an adult] Look! That's me in there! The REAL me! There I am! [touches the reflection, and her face changes] ...But it's not REAL real, is it? Just...made-up and pretend, like my family, and my life, and everything else! [Turns to face Batman, who stands behind her] WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE-BELIEVE?! [fires at mirrors, and cries after breaking mirror with adult reflection. Batman approaches her] I didn't mean to...

[Alfred breaks a chair over a thug's head.]

Robin:
And here all I thought you dusted was furniture.

Alfred:
A Louis Quinze; what a pity.

Alfred Pennyworth:
[after being drugged with a truth serum] You'll get nothing but gibberish out of me, madam. I come from haunts of cootenfern and knicker sudden Sally. Uh... dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum, and bicker down the valley.

Red Claw:
And people wonder why no one takes Britain seriously anymore.

Sheriff:
Well, well. Jonah Hex, his own bad self. Been here five minutes and you ain't killed nobody nor set nothin' on fire. Slippin', ain't you?

Jonah Hex:
I'm still a little bushed.

Sheriff:
Fact is, you look a little past it, Hex. Not tired, just all used up.

Hex:
Well, when I get pushed, I can still shoot a fly out from between its wings. Provided the right lights, of course, and it's a big plump fly.

Hex:
Let's you and me dance.

Duvall:
You cannot defeat me. I am a Heidelberg fencing champion.

Hex:
My heart's all a-flutter.

Duvall:
Five thousand in gold, take it. Leave me be.

Hex:
It ain't about money, boy. It's about justice. And I aim to serve you some.

Duvall:
Let me live, please!

Hex:
I will. Only because it's too much trouble to haul your stinkin' carcass back east.

Ra's al Ghul:
Even before the Phoenix debacle, I had come to realize that Arkady was too unbalanced and cruel to wisely rule my empire.

Batman:
But you couldn't forget about him.

Ra's al Ghul:
What father can ever forget his son? Come now, detective, I've still a few good years left. We will cross swords another day. But for now, let me take my boy home.

Riddler:
He's right, you know.

Thug:
Who?

Riddler:
Batman. He IS going to catch me... sooner or later.

Thug:
Gee, boss, you're scaring me. You're talking kinda crazy.

Riddler:
DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT! I fooled the police, the doctors, the Parole Board - all of them! There's only one person who's ever been able to challenge me: BATMAN! He's the only one worthy of the game!

Thug:
But you said sooner or later he's gonna catch you. What are you gonna do?

Riddler:
I'm never going back to Arkham! So I guess there's only one thing to do!

Riddler:
[ranting in a cell in Arkham] It's IMPOSSIBLE! I tell you! Impossible! My trap was perfect! How did he do it?! I have to know! SOMEBODY TELL ME! IT'S NOT FAIR! THERE'S NO WAY, I TELL YOU! NO WAY HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT! SOMEBODY TELL ME! DO YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW HE DID IT! I HAVE TO KNOW! I HAVE TO KNOOOOOOOOOW!

Batman:
Harvey, pull yourself up!

Harvey:
I can't!

Batman:
Now drop the coin. Drop it! Save yourself.

Harvey:
I don't know what to do, the coin won't tell me!

Batman:
It can't tell you anything. I switched coins when you grabbed me.

Robin:
[Swings and kicks the thugs out of Batman's way] Good thing I decided to tag along after all.

Batman:
It's a trick coin. It'll always land on edge. It's your decision now, Harvey: Life or death; the coin or me.

[Robin threw the batarang to hit the elevator button to send the thug in an elevator, thunderstruck and Harvey/Two-Face decided to drops the coin]'

Harvey:
Batman, help me.

[Batman tries to give Harvey a hand and being distracted by the lightning]

Two-Face:
Never! :[Punches Batman and fall]

Batman:
HARVEEEY!

[Harvey/Two-Face continues to fall, Batman cast the Batgun and swing and save Harvey/Two-Face and Robin swings too and incompleted building explodes]

Harvey:
[seen in half shadow, making him appear to once again be Harvey Dent instead of Two-Face] Bruce? Good ol' Bruce. Always there, you never give up on me.

[Bruce Wayne pat on Harvey, and the guards takes him]

Dick:
He's right. You're always there for him.

Bruce:
Yes, just like you're always there for me.

Dick:
Hey, what are friends for?

Scarecrow:
I am the Master of Fear! The Lord of Despair! Cower before me in witless terror!

Harley:
Hi, Professor Crane!

Scarecrow:
[Smiling fondly] Good evening, child. [To Batman and Robin, furiously] Worship me, you fools! Worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible God of Fear! [Guards take him away]

Robin:
I think he's getting better.

Harley:
I'm having a BAD DAY! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, run me over and blow me up! I didn't even get to keep my new dress - I ACTUALLY PAID FOR IT!

[Batman and Robin take Harley back to Arkham]

Harley:
[sadly] Home again, home again, jiggity jig...

Dr. Joan Leland:
Not for too long, though. Ms. Vreeland dropped the kidnapping charges. With a little more hard work, you should be ready to re-enter society for good.

Harley:
Yay... [to Batman] There's one thing I've gotta know. Why'd you stay with me all day, risking your butt for someone who's never given you anything but trouble?

Batman:
I know what it's like to try and rebuild a life. [takes her dress out of a bag] I had a bad day too, once.

Harley:
[takes the dress, smiling] Nice guys like you shouldn't have bad days.

Scarecrow:
Don't take me back there, please! Look at me, Batman! I'm shaking with fear! Me! The Scarecrow! I wasn't even going back to crime this time! I just had to get away from... HIM!

Lyle Bolton:
I'll take it from here, Batman. Lyle Bolton, Chief of security. Congratulations, Professor Crane. You're the first inmate to escape Arkham under my charge. [He grabs Crane by the collar; Crane whimpers] You're also the last.

Bartholomew:
Miss Quinn? Do you have any complaints against Mr. Bolton?

[Lyle Bolton sneers threateningly at Harley Quinn]:

Harley Quinn:
I got nothing to say.

Bartholomew:
But surely you must have something you wish to-

Harley Quinn:
You got a hearing problem or something?! NO! NADA! IXNAY! ZERO! ZILCH! BUPKES! NOTHING! OKAY?!

Harley Quinn:
He threatens us! Takes away our privileges, even when we're good!

Lyle Bolton:
We've heard enough of this nonsense.

Jonathon Crane:
He says scum like us must be kept in line! That's why he chains us down at night and electrifies our doors!

Scarface:
He held me over a can filled with a termites! Ya hear me?! TERMITES!

Harley Quinn:
He's an animal!

Ventriloquist:
A monster!

Jonathon Crane:
Keep him away!

Lyle Bolton:
SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!

[The guards retrain Lyle Bolton, he kicks the table, resists the guards and attack and them; he threatens to kill the inmates, and Bruce Wayne trips him with the chair]

Lyle Bolton:
You're all scum! You should be beaten within an inch of your misbegotten lives!

Bartholomew:
I've seen enough! [pounds the gravel] Lyle Bolton, you're dismissed!

Lyle Bolton:
Before I came here, Arkham was a revolving door for every maniac in Gotham. I kept them in! ME! Now I realize I was wrong to punish those pathetic miscreants! THEY'RE ONLY SYMPTOMS! YOU'RE THE CAUSE! THE GUTLESS POLICE, MINDLESS BUREAUCRATS, AND CODDLING DOCTORS! YOU SHOULD ALL BE LOCKED UP IN A CAGE WITHOUT A KEY!

Lock Up:
I could have rid Gotham of the fools in city hall and the police department! We could have made our own order!

Batman:
I was born to fight your brand of order!

Lock Up:
If that's your decision...!

Dispatcher:
Disturbance reported at the top of the Crown restaurant. Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with what appears to be a... ketchup gun.

Batman:
It's going to be one of those nights.

Condiment King:
So long, suckers! Parting is such sweet-and-sour sorrow. [Batman yanks away his loot bag] What's this? Ah! The big bad Bat-guy. I knew you'd ketchup to me sooner or later. How I relished this meeting. You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus me, the conceptual Condiment King! Come, Batman. Let's see if you can cut the mustard.

Batman:
Quiet! [He punches the King in the stomach]

Condiment King:
[Slumps to ground, gasping] You hit me!

Buddy's agent:
I don't get it. Buddy's just thrown his entire career away. The network's canceling his show and the restaurant's suing him for a million dollars. Why did he do it? It just doesn't make sense.

Grant Walker:
Do you realize that in your half-frozen state, you will age more slowly than an ordinary human? You're practically immortal, my friend!

Mr. Freeze:
Yes, eternal life trapped in this wretched shell! What a miserable joke.

Grant Walker:
Miserable to you, but a godsend to me. Look at me, Mr. Freeze, I'm an old man. I've created wonders in my lifetime, but there is still so much to do! I want to change as you have. To become, like you, a being of blessed, eternal cold.

Mr. Freeze:
You're insane.

Grant Walker:
Only you know how to duplicate the accident that made you what you are. What I long to become!

Mr. Freeze:
[grabs him] You want to live like this? Abandoned and alone? A prisoner in a world you can see but never touch? [drops him and turns away] Old and infirm as you are, I'd trade a thousand of my frozen years for your worst day.

[Dick recovers from hypothermia]

Dick:
Man, if I spent more time in that immersion tank, I'd be growing gills.

Bruce:
I'm just glad I was able to get you back here in time.

Dick:
Thanks. For a while I thought I'd end up like Walker, trapped in a ice cube forever. What about Mr. Freeze? Do you think he's gone for good?

Bruce:
I'm not sure. But if Freeze's condition has made him truly immortal... we may not have seen the last of him.

Catwoman:
Bats are just mice with wings, little girl.

Batgirl:
So, what are you going to do? Leave us over one of these vats with acid burning through the rope?

Daggett:
[Laughs] If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you crime-fighting types are very resourceful. So, I'll just have my men shoot you and throw your bodies in the vats.