Being Human, Series 4

Voice on the Radio:
Ladies and gentlemen of the resistance, good evening. Oh, you'd have been so proud of your comrades. They put up quite a fight. But we slit their throats and stamped on their bones all the same. New York has fallen. The resistance have been crushed. The earth belongs to the vampires.

Annie:
I just think we need to talk about this first.

George:
What's to talk about? I thought you wanted me to stop moping.

Annie:
George, I meant have a shower, not...storm the Bat Cave!

Leo:
Together, we did the impossible. A werewolf, a vampire and a ghost. But this doesn't have to be the end for you. Remember this moment. Remember what we had.

Hal:
We will.

Leo:
We were on the outside of humanity so we could guard it. Do you understand? So we could guard it.

Regus:
[excitedly] We're all gonna die - Game Over - because of this baby! [assuming a serious air] I mean, we're all gonna die, because of this baby.

George:
Annie. It's okay. It's just the end of my story. I have to be with my Nina.

Annie:
Please, George. Please, not you as well, I can't. I can't lose you as well.

George:
You take care of her.

Tom:
I ain't done nowt!

Annie:
You haven't done anything!

Tom:
Exactly!

Annie:
No, Tom, I'm not agreeing with you. Your grammar is appalling.

Annie:
So, how do you all know each other?

Pearl:
We live together.

Annie:
You what?

Pearl:
I know it's a bit unusual.

Annie:
No, it's not that. It's just that, um... Well I...

Pearl:
Three supernaturals all under the same roof.

Annie:
Yes, exactly, and I...

Pearl:
I mean, a werewolf and a vampire becoming friends. It's unheard of, I suppose.

Annie:
Well no, actually, not that unheard of because I...

Pearl:
I think it's largely my influence.

Annie:
Interestingly enough, I...

Pearl:
Some might say I've done achieved the impossible.

Annie:
[Shouts] I did it! [Quieter] I'm sorry. Um, I did it. I did it too. It's not anything to shout about really, is it? But I did do it.

Hal:
What, there's a vampire here?

Annie:
Er... No, not exactly. Things have changed a lot for us recently, so...

Pearl:
Oh, that's a pity. Over 55 years and I've never had to change my line-up.

Annie:
Good.

Annie:
All powerful and merciful Eve, we have come here today to ask you to assist our dear friend, Leo. We humbly beseech thee to restore him to health, drive away all illness and infirmary, strengthen him, raise him up so that he may... [Searches for missing paper] Ahem... Raise him up so that he may... stand on mountains. Raise him up so that he may walk on stormy seas. Let the road rise to meet him. Let the force be with him. Carpe diem. Veni, vidi, vici. Et tu, Brute. Dolce et Gabbana est. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen!

[Leo collapses]

Annie:
Oh my God!!

Pearl:
Oh. Is this the lady in the longjohns attacking my dress sense?

Annie:
I'm not attacking... Sorry, beg your pardon?

Pearl:
The carpets need a good clean.

Annie:
These are not longjohns, they're leggings.

Pearl:
And a bar in the living room? What message does that send out?

Annie:
And actually, I died in 2007 and I do still see people them today, so... You know, actually, I was quite fashion forward with these... leggings.

Pearl:
We'll need to start using a new brand of tea. That stuff you make always looks very anaemic.

Annie:
[Holding back anger] There is nothing wrong with my tea.

Hal:
God. Annie, yours is even better than mine.

Annie:
My what?

Hal:
Your mask.

Hal:
Kill me. Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you, or something.

Tom:
Maybe later, if you work really hard.

[Regus answers his door to Annie, who sees he has a black eye.]

Annie:
What happened to your face?

Regus:
My lunch fought back. I'd rather not talk about it. But who takes a crowbar with them when they walk the dog? I mean who does? That's just weird!

Regus:
I think you need to feed me.

Annie:
You do know I'm dead, huh? So, you can try biting me, but all you're gonna get is an ice-cream headache.

Regus:
You've got to go and hide somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Go to Bangor.

Michaela:
Urgh, no offence, but, like, I'm into guys that are just a little bit more edgy. You know, a little bit more darkness about them. [Hal and Tom both laugh] Are you laughing at me? You'd better not be laughing at me!

Tom:
No, we weren't, honestly.

Hal:
Sorry, it's just, um, a private joke, you see. We're actually both quite dark in our own little ways.

Tom:
Yeah, but he's darker than me, I'm only dark occasionally.

Annie:
[Frustrated with Tom and Hal ignoring her] Annie! How was your day? Oh, thank you. Thank you for asking, because it was a bit weird. I got stalked by a vampire in the park and then I pushed my sex memories into another vampire's sad little vampire brain. Ooh, that is weird Annie. Yes, I know. Thank you for asking.

Tom:
Is there something you'd like to tell us, Annie?

Hal:
I cannot sleep in a barn, or a tent or a caravan or anywhere without central heating, carpets and Radio 4, and that should be on my list.

Hal:
Look, I'm not sure what you were used to when George and, er Tina were around, but...

Annie:
Their names... were Nina... George... and Mitchell. And this was their home. And they were my friends. And they would have listened to me.

[Michaela throws money at Hal]

Hal:
I used to ride a horse once.

Michaela:
What? What's that got to do with it?

Hal:
[Babbling] I had a sword, I was respected. Better than that, I was feared. Peasants had their backs flayed for looking at me funny.

Tom:
You alright Hal?

Hal:
It was brutal, but it worked. We had order, we had respect, and now, we have this.

Tom:
OK, then, mate. Let's go in the back and have a bit of a chat, shall we? Come on.

Hal:
And I had a shield. A red one!

[Hal and Tom sit watching The Real Hustle]

Tom:
What we watching?

Hal:
I don't know. Something about conmen.

Tom:
Anything else on?

[Hal changes the channel to The Antiques Roadshow]

[Eve cries and Hal holds her. He's very uncomfortable.]

Hal:
Please, don't do that, little baby. Help! Anyone!

Tom:
Annie's made a rota.

Hal:
I already have a rota.

[Hal and Tom look at Annie's rota]

Tom:
7am, I feed the baby. 8am, You walk the baby. There's a task for every hour and it's colour coded.

Hal:
Little pictures of nappies and bottles. And Glitter.

Hal:
She's planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives.

Tom:
We must destroy this.

Hal:
[Doing prss-ups] 90... 91...

Annie:
Hal?

Hal:
92...

Annie:
Hal, um, It's 12 o'clock, so baby massage and stimulating story time.

Hal:
98... 99...

Annie:
100, Great! Um, Eve needs to...

Hal:
102... 103... 104...

Annie:
Kirby's great, isn't he?

Hal:
105...

Annie:
He's quite funny too.

[Hal contiunes his push-ups]

Annie:
Now you're just showing off!

[Hal stops his push-ups. He gets up]

Hal:
I can't do twelve till one.

Annie:
Yes, but it's on the rota.

Hal:
Yes, but on my rota it says 12 o'clock, press-ups, then You and Yours on Radio 4.

Annie:
Oh!

Hal:
It's important. It keeps me...

Annie:
Buff?

Hal:
No.

Annie:
Up to date with consumer affairs?

Hal:
No, it keeps me from killing.

Annie:
Oh.

Hal:
And you've seen me. This is how I focus and control it.

Annie:
So you take it out on your pecks.

Hal:
Better them than humanity.

Annie:
Hal, we're meant to be a team.

[Hal sighs.]

Hal:
Ok.

Annie:
And when you said humanity you meant...

Hal:
I'd kill everyone I encountered until I was sated. Barry, Cardif, most of South Wales.

Annie:
Right. Not all bad, then. Ok... [Hands Eve over to him] well, don't forget to use lavanader oil for the massage. Ok?

Hal:
I never forget anything.

Annie:
It must be lovely being you. Always the cleverest and the oldest and never forget anything for hundreds of years.

Hal:
No. It's terrible.

Dr North:
You look after the baby on your own do you?

Tom:
Umm...

Annie:
Hal! Get down here now!

Dr North:
Are you the baby's sole carer?

Tom:
Nope. It's not just me.

Dr North:
There's the baby's mother?

Tom:
Sort of, yeah.

Dr North:
Is everything all right here? because you seem rather odd.

Hal:
What do you mean by that?

Dr North:
[see's hal] Who are you?

Hal:
[Uncomfortable] I'm, um...

[Hal looks at Annie]

Annie:
Say it.

Hal:
I'm his... boyfriend.

[Eve gurgles]

Tom:
Yeah, me and him, we've...

Hal:
When you said rather odd, what were you implaying?

Dr North:
That's he's a halfwit.

Dr North:
I had no idea you were gay. Most of the gay couples I know have taste.

Kirby:
You see evil is like travelling first class. Try it once and you can never go back.

Woman:
So Annie's really gone has she?

Kirby:
Like a fart on the breeze.

Annie:
Is it me, or do I have the worst taste in men... ever?

Annie:
[Singing to Tom] Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! [To Hal] Come on Hal.

Hal:
I don't sing.

Yvonne:
Adam warned me you were different. But never let it be said that Yvonne Bradshaw isn't "open minded". Our head of French is a member of Amnesty, so I know the drill.

Yvonne:
In modern parlance, one might say we are 'on the run'.

Annie:
Why, what've you done?

Adam:
Her. [indicates Yvonne]

Annie:
You know, when I was 16, a photographer told me I was pretty enough to be in a catalogue. Yeah, a catalogue, Hal. You don't hear me going on about it.

Hal:
I've only been here a few weeks, you've already told me twice.

Adam:
Listen, Count Dracula, don't think you'll get anywhere with her. She's mine. Our bedroom was like the Discovery Channel last night.

Hal:
You know, you remind me of a conquest back in Madrid in 1784. I wooed her with a thousand tulips.

Adam:
Well, that'd be your first mistake. [To Yvonne] You have awful hay fever, don't you?

Yvonne:
It's true. I'm a martyr to it.

Annie:
What's it going to be? Good cop, bad cop? I could be good cop, suddenly turned crazy, psycho ghost cop.

Hal:
You do know Tom's planning to build a swimming pool in the back garden?

Annie:
[Excited] Yes!

Hal:
You're in denial about it, aren't you?

Annie:
Yes! It's brilliant.

Cutler:
Thomas, you're about to become very, very famous.

Allison:
Don't tell me you're still on MySpace?

Hal:
We're more Ceefax people.

Golda:
The last time somebody spoke to me like that, I used their skin as a Filofax cover. God, I miss the '80s!

Kane:
Shit happens. Life's a contact sport. If you can't stand the heat, stay inside on bonfire night.

Cutler:
What?

Golda:
He likes action films, don't ask.

Allison:
And you're condoning this?!

Cutler:
Well, we can't exactly go to Ofcom.

Hal:
Then it is time to declare your intentions! First, write her a poem. Then speak to her father.

Tom:
Annie said I should just get drunk and try and to snog her.

Hal:
It's all so brutish these days! I preferred the dowry system.

Emrys:
I've never been kissed.

Annie:
What?

Emrys:
When I was alive.

Annie:
[disbelieving] Really? Never, ever? In your whole life?

Allison:
It's not that unbelievable.

Tom:
I could imagine actually.

Hal:
We've all had dry spells.

[Tom stakes Kane]

Kane:
[Trying to think of last words] Something about... heartburn? Heart... break? No, that doesn't work, does it? Shit! [dies]

Annie:
I have a baby - Eve. I have to look after her.

Woman:
Annie... I am the baby.

Annie:
What?

Woman:
It's me, Annie... Mum. I'm Eve.

Hal:
It's not dissatisfaction. It's a feeling more akin to having been born in captivity. A seeping realisation that your dreams and ambitions are just too big, too rich for this domestic world.

Hal:
Three people can't have dinner together. That's barbaric!

Annie:
So, this is the future? Really?

Eve:
For you. Yeah.

Annie:
Ooh, do people have jetpacks?

Eve:
No. Mostly everyone's dead.

Cutler:
Softly softly, massacre monkey.

Cutler:
You could go straight back to the top of the pile. That's cool. That's your rightful place. All I ask for in return is that when they write the history of what's about to happen, they give me a mention, and a statue. And maybe Brazil.

Hal:
I like your mouth.

Alex:
Oh, thanks sugar. I'm sure that sounded less creepy in your head.

Annie:
[Tom]'s like a child. He's lovely. He's like a pet. Bloody big one, like a St Bernard or a horse. He's physically incapable of lying or being cruel, so I do worry about him... He shouldn't be killing vampires, he should be getting disappointing A Level results.

Hal:
[to Tom] You're a child, you know that? Watching you negotiate grown-up emotions is like watching a gorilla perform keyhole surgery.

Hal:
We can raid the dressing up box and pretend to be human, but ultimately what's the point? Sooner or later we all go back to being the monsters we truly are.

Cutler:
[with rising incredulous anger] What I was - no, you stole that from me! You dragged me into this world! You killed my wife! You turned me into a murderer, an addict! You made me abandon my whole species! No! No, you do not do that and then apologise! No, sir!

Hal:
I assume you just close your eyes and picture yourself somewhere else.

Alex:
Trust me, I've been doing that since you arrived.

Eve:
I make a bloody good cup of tea.

Annie:
That's my girl!

Hal:
Unfinished business tends to be more life-affirming than beating someone up.

Alex:
Not if you're Scottish.

Mr Snow:
Am I missing something? Is he giving me a television set?

Cutler:
[Flicking through TV channels] I don't understand, someone must have reported it.

Mr Snow:
Because I already have a television the size of a bed sheet.

Mr Snow:
Thanks to you, breweries the world over are safe from piss-ups.

Mr Snow:
These eyes have looked upon Pharaohs and the son of the carpenter. And, now, they must look at you, proudly showing me your idea, like a child with a handful of its own excrement. I have never known humiliation, failure, or obscurity. How does it make you feel? Like coming home, I imagine. I've already forgotten your name.

Tom:
Always be kind and polite and have the materials to build a bomb.

Tom:
What are you doing, hanging around with a load of vampires?

Milo:
Because there's nothing noble about being on the side that loses.

Tom:
I bet you support Manchester United as well, don't you?

Milo:
You know, they're an incredibly skilful team...

Alex:
They're the men with sticks and ropes, I saw them when I died. Thought they were evil Morris dancers.

Alex:
What's the biggest thing you've ever Rentaghosted with?

Annie:
Er, hey, listen. This is not a party trick. This is an invaluable defensive weapon... An armchair.

Mr Snow:
Celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.

[Annie enters]

Annie:
Give me back my f***ing baby!

Mr Snow:
That's the funny thing about saviours: they can make one a little... dependent.

Eve:
They're expecting you.

Annie:
Who?

Eve:
Who do you think?

Hal:
Why are you doing this?

Tom:
'Cos you're my best mate.