Big Love, Season 1

Sarah:
Why can't we just hire a babysitter like everyone else?

Barb:
Because we're not everyone else.

Bill:
[seeing his father lying on the floor] Oh good lord!

Lois:
He's better today. He's gonna be fine. I don't know why everyone's so up in arms.

Frank:
[hoarsely] Don't let me die.

Bill:
[about his father] He's gotta get to a doctor.

Lois:
No! Remember when he got his fingers caught in the fan? You said doctors and he was fine!

Bill:
He needed 23 stitches!

Heather:
You know, when I'm 21, I really wanna go on a mission and I wish I could go to an Islamic country because I think post-9/11 that part of the world needs our help the most. Don't you think?

Sarah:
I think the whole world needs help.

Roman:
[to Bill] Listen to me, son, carefully. There's man's law and there's God's law... and I think you know which side I'm on.

Sarah:
You overheard something, and you've been fishing for days. Okay? I'm a polygamist. My parents are. So what?

Heather:
I just wanted to let you know that I know. I just wanted to be friends.

Sarah:
Yeah, well now that you know, what are you gonna do? Rat me out to your State Trooper father?

Heather:
Probably. You know, because I tell him everything. [Sarah stares in horror] Why does everyone think I don't have a sense of humor?

Nicki:
[to Barb, about Margie and Bill having loud sex] Can you believe it? It's like a train whistle!

Lois:
[about Frank's arsenic poisoning] How can he suspect me when I didn't do anything? That's crazy!

Bill:
Fine, fine. So who is gonna pick him up?

Lois:
Why don't you go pick him up?

Bill:
I hate him as much as you do.

Lois:
Then maybe you did it!

Bill:
There's one more thing. My house is three houses.

Ronnie:
What, rentals?

Bill:
No, I live in all three houses.

Ronnie:
In all three?

Bill:
With my family, they're connected...

Ronnie:
All three houses?

Bill:
That's right. Big family.

Bill:
[to Margene] I've been thinking about you. We are links to eternity. Ahead of us, family yet to come, souls to be born; behind us, ancestors - ancestors who sacrificed. We are making those sacrifices to live the principle, to keep faith. Margie, you are a valued member of this family. We weren't complete, not until you. You made us complete. I wasn't complete until you, and our fine sons. What happened was a mistake. It'll never happen again, all right? All right?

Lois:
And this new girl, this Margene you call her.

Bill:
We call her Margene because that's her name!

Bill:
[about the size of the guest list for Wayne's birthday party] Are you crazy?! How many people?!

Nicki:
Just immediate family!... [pause] 153.

Adaleen:
[to Bill, about Nicki] I would never, ever tell you how to run your affairs--she's your wife--but she's always needed a firm hand. She takes well to a good smacking. You too, Barb--just give her a nice little swat!

Sarah:
What's it like being married?

Rhonda:
It's a pre-marriage placement. That's what it's called now, to get around the law until I'm 16.

[Sarah looks horrified.]

Rhonda:
I wasn't forced! [smugly] The other sister-wives hate me because old Roman likes me best.

Sarah:
Do you love him?

Rhonda:
He's sweet to me. The greatest freedom we have is obedience.

[Bill comes home late at night and snuggles up to Margie in bed.]

Margie:
[half asleep] Where's Nicki?

Bill:
What??

Margie:
It's Nicki's night. You gotta go.

[Bill sneaks through the house, across the backyard and up to Nicki's bedroom.]

Nicki:
Honey, what are you doing here?

Bill:
It's our night!

Nicki:
It was. Didn't you get my message? See the Post-It?

Bill:
Post-It?

Nicki:
I traded with Barb.

Heather:
[to Donna] You know what, I've upped my standards, so up yours.

Barb:
[seeing Nicki come home carrying several shopping bags] How's the "family emergency" going?

Margie:
Yeah, somebody die at The Gap?

Bill:
[to Ben, instructing him for the hunting trip] Hey, remember tomorrow: no deodorant, no soap, no mouthwash.

Sarah:
[chuckles] Like you really have to tell him that.

Ben:
How do you know if God's talking to you or if you're just talking to yourself?

Bill:
That's one of the most important challenges in life.

Ben:
I think about sex all the time!

Brynn:
But that's good.

Ben:
No, I can't control it. I get hard-ons in woodshop!

Nicki:
[about Bill] He's been so happy! And he saw me in the car and pretended he didn't see me. And then he gave us flowers to throw me off the trail. I mean, don't you see? Do you see it?

Wanda:
You don't think he's...?

Nicki:
He is, yes! He is seeing a fourth wife. This is exactly what he did when he got interested in Margene. Honestly, I knew even before I knew, you know?

Wanda:
It's so easy to see through them. They're kind of cute that way.

Nicki:
You're the weak link, Margie.

Margie:
What?

Nicki:
We have to be realistic. You can't keep a secret like me and you're not a good liar like Barb.

Barb:
[alarmed] What do you mean I'm a good liar?

Nicki:
With the neighbors. You're so effortless; you're pro.

Margie:
[to her son who's prancing around with no pants on] Aaron! [to Pam] I'm sorry, he just discovered his penis.

Pam:
Don't they all!

Barb:
[to Peg] I don't like the sneaking around. [pause] Actually, I love the sneaking around; it is so exciting.

Barb:
I'm having an affair.

Peg:
With who?

Barb:
Bill.

Peg:
Your husband Bill?

Margie:
Your father said we cannot call a plumber.

Ben:
I know.

Margie:
Do you think he's a cheapskate?

Ben:
Umm, I believe the word is thrifty.

Nicki:
[thinking about baby names] What do you think of the name Noel?

Bill:
I think it says "Kick me and take my lunch money."

Nicki:
[about Barb] Do you think she's happy for me? About the baby?

Margie:
Of course. She loves babies. Sometimes I think she wishes my boys were hers.

Nicki:
Sometimes I think they wish the same thing.

Sarah:
How's Seminary? Made friends with the other brainwashees?

Ben:
Don't call them brainwashed.

Sarah:
Why not?

Ben:
I don't like it.

Sarah:
Good. You still have an opinion.

Barb:
[about sneaking sex] We can't keep doing what we're doing.

Bill:
But I need you.

Barb:
You have me.

Barb:
Who's that?

Bill:
Just Nicki.

Barb:
Oh. What'd she want?

Bill:
No, nothing. [pause] She's ovulating.

Bill:
I promise you, you will not have the baby in this motel.

Wanda:
Oh, I could give birth in a potato patch, I'd survive. It's Joey I'm worried about.

Heather:
You know, I really have some strong opinions about polygamy and I would love to sit down and talk to you about it one day.

[Sarah looks down, embarrassed.]

Barb:
Wuhh... We should do that sometime.

Lois:
[to Sarah] Aren't you so thoughtful? You didn't used to be. When you were two you slapped me. I didn't like you for a very long time.

Adaleen:
[to Nicki] We all spend like there's no tomorrow, which we were told there wouldn't be on three occasions. But your father's revelations have been a little off the mark lately.

Wanda:
[to Barb, about Frank] I wouldn't let him in your house if I were you. He makes Joey crazy, Bill hates him, and he doesn't pee in the toilet.

Nicki:
Bill's not very good about lifting the seat either.

Wanda:
No, Nicki. He pees in the sink.

Frank:
[to Bill, about Lois] What are you being over-protective of her for? She's like one of Roman's Humvees, you know. The woman is a tank!

Frank:
[to Joey] I'll have some beans there, Fumbles.

Wanda:
I told you, old man, you lay off Joey or else.

Frank:
Or else what?

Wanda:
Or else I'll finish the job someone else started: I'll kill you!

Nicki:
I love you, Bill.

Bill:
I love you, too.

Nicki:
How much?

Bill:
I say it's astronomical, beyond all measure.

Nicki:
I have $58,000 in debt.

Margie:
Benny, do you remember a few years ago, a vote about me?

Ben:
Which one?

Margie:
The one about me joining the family.

Ben:
Which one?

Sarah:
[to Bill] It hurts to see you lie, Dad. I hate that about this life. Watching you and Mom hide, all of us having to hide.

Margie:
I am a terrible wife. I should've never married your father. And your mother.

Sarah:
And Nicki.

Margie:
Especially Nicki.

Nicki:
Margene, you're grounded.

Margie:
Excuse me?

Nicki:
Or you're on probation. You do not involve our kids in your filthy habits.

Margie:
No, no way. You have no authority over me.

Nicki:
Authority? Wait just one minute. I'm second, you're third, get it?

Margie:
Second's not first. It's nothing.

Cindy:
Polygamy one hundred years ago was quaint; polygamy today is foul.

Margie:
Bill, when I married into this family I guess I must have thought I was just marrying you. And now I realize I was marrying all of you. I was marrying sisters, my sisters. That was my choice, and I'd make that choice all over again right now. And I know, I know I've made a lot of mistakes lately, and... alright, maybe always, but I can get better. I will, because, because I wanna be with you guys forever, too. Cause I love you guys and I need you guys. And I never ever want to not be in this family, here or in heaven.

Rhonda:
Adaleen, did you take your vitamins?

Adaleen:
Yes.

Rhonda:
Cause you forget.

Adaleen:
Well, I didn't.

[Rhonda leaves the room]

Nicolette:
I don't know how you deal with her.

Adaleen:
I love her and we are all equals. But, last night, I did dream I was trying to push her out the car door while driving along at a pretty quick clip

Margie:
[to Barb and Nicki] I'm happy. I love you both so much.

Nicki:
You're overheated. Put on a hat.

Ernest Holloway:
[about the UEB Council] They also talked about negotiating a contract with NASA to sell clay from one of the mines we own in Moab for the heat shields on the shuttle.

Bill:
They don't believe we even went to the moon and yet they're in business with the agency that didn't go there.

Barb:
I do not want the kids to go to the compound!

Nicki:
All the kids or just your kids?

Barb:
Any kids and certainly not mine. And mine include yours!

Governor's Aide:
Your charity work was important, to be sure, but truthfully it was your cancer that sealed the deal. The first lady is trying to shine a light on survivorship this year. You and your fellow finalists are all survivors.

Barb:
So many people are.

Governor's Aide:
True, but most are merely tumors. Luckily for you, yours had metastasized.

Adaleen:
[to Rhonda] The competition is over. Of course I found out. What kind of sister-wife do you take me for? Get in. Your little Roman holiday is over.

[Nicki sneaks in on Barb and Margene talking; they don't hear her.]

Barb:
Has she said anything to you about what she's wearing?

Margie:
Nuh-uh.

Barb:
Just try to get her to wear something a little more...I mean, she sticks out like a sore thumb.

Margie:
Oh...

Barb:
I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's like walking into the Governor's mansion with a sign that says "Practicing Polygamist." She'll never listen to it coming from me, she'll think I'm attacking her. I mean, even just offer to do her hair.

[Talking about the Mother of the Year event.]

Rhonda:
Why did they pick Barb? Is she more important than you two?

Margie:
Uh, no.

Rhonda:
Well, was there something lacking in you two?

Nicki:
Only one person can be mother of the year. Teenie nominated Barb, so that's how it happened. Here.

[She hands Rhonda a sandwich.]

Rhonda:
What is it?

Nicki:
Breakfast. To go.

[Rhonda turns to walk away, then turns back to Nicki.]

Rhonda:
You're irritable, Nicki. Try to find time for a nap this afternoon.