Bob's Burgers, Season 2

Teddy:
My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.

Bob:
Your uncle Paddy...was a maid?

Teddy:
All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.

Linda:
Alright girls! Go girls!

Linda:
[worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".

Bob:
Ha, "duderuses."

Gene:
I just can't get enough of the acoustics in this place! Here! What song is this? [bangs brick on wall]

Tina:
Aqua Boogie, by P-funk?

Gene:
Yes! Wow.

Louise:
Action!

Bob:
[practising] As you know,sir, we have several loans with your institutions, all "past due". But what does "past due" even mean, you know?

Gene:
It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!

Linda:
Gene was "past due", and he came out fine.

Gene:
I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table].

Linda:
Hey! Get outta there!

Gene:
LEMME IN!

Linda:
Gene! Bob!

Bob:
Oh God.

Linda:
[annoyed] This is your son.

Louise:
Sorry Gene, no backsies.

Tina:
I will punch you.

Investigator:
I will punch YOU!

Louise:
Ooh! He will!

Linda:
I dreamed that I was breast feeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.

Gene:
That should be our next Christmas card.

Coach:
You know the rules. No hats on the gym.

Louise:
I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodge ball in the hospital?

Louise:
We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.

Gene:
Yeah! Who needs it?

[Gene tries to open the door but can't]

Tina:
Here, let me try.

[Tina opens the door easily]

Gene:
Wow. I should exercise.

Bob:
Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?

Louise:
What's a Caddyshack?

Bob:
You mean you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?

Louise:
No.

Bob:
Wow

Louise:
Yeah.

Bob:
That's impressive.

Bob:
Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?

Louise:
Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.

Linda:
Awwww. My little grandoody.

Linda:
You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty, little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.

Bob:
Yeah.

Linda:
You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.

Linda:
I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.

Gene:
[referring to the game music on Burgerboss] That's the song I wanna lose it to. Mm-mm-mm.

Gene:
It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!

Tina:
Werner Herzog?

Linda:
You're a hurtful slut, Bob!

Prince of Persuasia:
[listing tips for attracting women] Dress like her dad. It releases a hormone called moan-atonin.

When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her and then make a big deal about it.

Push her in a lake.

Be one of the tallest guys in the bar and brag about how long your butt-crack is.

Sing a song that you supposedly heard on the radio, and make fun of her for not knowing it.

Use the word "idiot."

Never make her pancakes. Force her to make you pancakes, in the middle of the night.

Andy:
Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch!

Ollie:
Oooh, share!

Tammy:
[to Tina] JUDGEMENTAL!

Tammy:
[pointing at Tina] You're a freak! [kids laugh, Tammy farts]

Louise:
TAMMY FARTED!

Gene:
Oh my God, my ears can smell it! [backs away pointing at Tammy] Laugh-fart, laugh-fart!

[Kids point and laugh]

Zeke:
Tammy made a blammy! Ha ha ha, gross!

Tammy:
No, it- I didn't do it, it wasn't my butt! [farts] That wasn't me! [farts, cries, and runs away] No, no, it wasn't me. Ow, ow! That one hurt.

Linda:
Bob, Gene look at yourselves, you're father and son! You're supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible! This show has torn my family apart long enough! It ends now! Kids, cover your ears.

Gene:
I just can't stop banging things down here, the acoustics are great. Tina what song is this? [bangs brick on wall]

Tina:
"Aqua Boogie," by P-funk?

Gene:
Yes! Wow.

[At the Farmer's Market]

Gene:
Dad, don't forget to get more monkey brains!

Louise:
Yeah, and we need more unicorn testicles.

Tina:
That's where dreams are born.

Louise:
That's gotta be the food critic!

Bob:
A Civil War reenactor?

Louise:
Ugh, I can't stand all that drab grey. No wonder they lost!

Tina:
Time for the charm bomb to explode.

Gene:
It's him! It's the Moody Foodie!

Bob:
Gene, that's Mike the mailman. You've seen him every day for the last five years.

Gene:
It's the long con!

Tina:
[pointing at Gene] It's him!

Bob:
Tina, that's Gene.

Tina:
Long con!

Gene:
What kind of a maniac wakes up an hour early to write erotic fanfiction?!

Tina:
Me.

Louise:
Are there any shows or movies left in the world that you haven't perved up?

Tina:
No. That's why I've started writing erotic friend fiction, using people at school. And zombies.

Gene:
Oh! Do the janitor and the vice principal! I think they'd have beautiful children!

Tina:
I did, and they don't.

Tina:
Detention is no big deal, Mom. Don't have a crap attack.

[Dramatic music]

Linda:
What did you just say?!

Tina:
A crap attack? Don't... have one?

[Dramatic music]

Linda:
Don't you tell me not to have a crap attack! I'll have a crap attack anytime I want! Now go to your room!

Tina:
This is such a snoregasm. [leaves]

Linda:
Huh! What the hell was that about?

Louise:
What is it?

Bob:
A "crap attack"?

Louis:
Yeah.

Bob:
I don't know. [to Linda] Do you?

Linda:
Don't look at me!

Louise:
Well, you're the one that wanted to have one.

Bob:
You're the one that sent her into her room for saying it.

Linda:
I don't know what these kids are saying!

Bob:
... "Don't have a crap attack!" [chuckles]

Louise and Gene:
HAAAAAAA!!!

Linda:
Nice, Bob. Nice.

[Louise giggles]

Linda:
I can't believe Tina got detention! She's changing, Bobby. Tina's turning into a teen!

Louise:
You've lost her, Mom. Time to focus on your good daughter - Gene!

Gene:
I'm pretty!

Bob:
You know, maybe you're overreacting, Lin. I mean, you did have a crap attack.

Louise:
HAAAAAA!!!

Tammy:
I did a booze cruise through your living room!