Bob's Burgers, Season 8

Felix:
What do you want?

Louise:
A lot of things, Felix, but right now I want money for a dog.

Felix:
You owe money to a dog?

Teddy:
Am I drunk, or are you guys having a weird conversation?

Louise:
Both!

Louise (on the phone):
Hello? Millie? Millie? Millie? Millie?

Gene:
Give it 12 more Millie's and call it a day!

Teddy:
Well, we're dissolving the poster business. Janine wants out.

Gene:
Aw, Teddy, I'm so sorry.

Teddy:
Yeah, well, the pet shop down the street offered to buy the rest of the posters at a deep discount. They're gonna shred them for hamster cage bedding. The guy was really impressed with how much hamster urine they could absorb.

Linda:
All right, let's great treatin'!

Gene:
Yeah, let's turn some tricks!

Linda:
Gene, don't say that.

Louise:
Should we just go home and eat spoonfuls of sugar?

Tina:
I know where there's a hummingbird feeder.

Gene:
I'm ready for tub and tuck-in.

Linda:
What? Are you kidding me?! We're not "Hallo-quitters", we're "Hallo-winners"!

Gene:
But no houses are giving out candy, woman!

Linda:
We don't need candy to have fun.

Louise:
You shut your damn mouth.

Gene:
Look at us, tracking a wild animal like it's no big deal.

Tina:
Yeah, I haven't had this much fun following in somebody's footsteps since I started dressing like Mom... earlier today.

Teddy:
[exhausted] Wow, running with a coffee table's hard. No wonder no one does that.

Jimmy Jr.:
Why does that girl talk like a Gremlin?

Louise:
Okay, before we do this, let's talk weapons. What'd everybody bring?

Tina:
Wait, what? None. Why are we talking weapons now? There was a much better time to do this, back when we were near weapons.

Louise:
Well, I have extras. You're welcome. (sighs) Okay, here's what I got: ruler, for slapping or poking.

Gene:
Or measuring.

Tina:
Pass.

Louise:
Key chain, for stabbing.

Gene:
Or keys.

Louise:
You could also take the key chain, and you could force it down a throat.

Bob:
Yeah, you could sneak it into someone's mouth.

Louise:
Yeah.

Gene:
"Hey, what's that? Oh, keys in your mouth."

Tina:
Wha-What else you got?

Louise:
Uh, you know, mace, knife... but I'm keeping those.

Bob:
All right, kids said the corner of Garfield and Jackson, but those streets don't intersect.

Linda:
She's not good with directions, Bob. Nobody is in our family. We're lucky we ever get anywhere. We're so stupid!

Linda:
Listen, that thing can be explained. I don't know how, but it can.

Tina:
Well, we can't go down.

Linda:
No, Bob! We have to go forward. It's like IKEA. We can't turn back.

Gene:
Watch out for Swedish meatballs!

Miss Triple X-mas:
Twinkly lights, twinkly lights

That's what makes Christmas bright

All different colors, and all different types

I mean, sure there are a lot of white lights

But you need an assortment of lights

To do it right.

Linda:
Wow! This is nice!

Louise:
Nat! Let's get this baby started and take her to about 120?

Nat:
Okay, excuse me? Little bunny girl?

Louise:
Yup?

Nat:
You can't stand up in the sunroof while we're driving.

Louise:
But what about-

Nat:
What about Big? The film starring Thomas Hanks? It's called movie magic. You wanna know what happens when real people drive around hanging out of a sunroof?

Louise:
Yeah.

Nat:
Decapitation. It happens all the time. There was a huge uptick in 'em right after that film came out, but you didn't hear anything about it, I'm sure right? Right?

Louise:
I-I didn't hear anything about it.

Nat:
Yeah not a word. Government covered it up.

Louise:
Oh my gosh.

Nat:
Thomas Hanks himself got paid a bunch of hush money.

Louise:
How much?

Nat:
About 12,000 dollars.

Louise:
That all checks out.

Tim Flanagan:
I'm Tim Flanagan, and this is my brother Jerry. You may be asking yourselves, "Can I really do trapeze?" Well, look at me. I got 30, 40 extra pounds on me. I got diabetes, major depression, a weird skin thing on my foot, you name it. Point is, if I can trapeze, you can trapeze. We'll be learning tonight's routine on the low trapeze over those mats. And then moving to the high trapeze, complete with costumes and music. I know what you're thinking: "Will I really be ready for all that?" Well, in 45 minutes, your answer will probably be, "Sure."

Jocelyn:
We're going to a place where you can stand in four states at once. I'm gonna stand in California, Hawaii, Canada, and Chicago.

Linda:
Alcohol does not solve problems, Miss Missy. It just makes them go away.

Linda:
Bob, what's the racket down there?

Bob:
Oh, we're just, uh, making jewelry for your birthday.

Linda:
Oh, oh, I don't want to see! I don't want to see!

Bob:
Uh, but when you do see it, it's gonna look store-bought and sensibly priced.

Tina:
Tammy, I'm out. I can't do it anymore.

Tammy:
Uh excuse me?

Tina:
It's not fair. I think Brett likes me. You're Milli Vanilli, and I'm those super-talented studio musicians that probably had to sleep in the same room as Milli Vanilli while Milli Vanilli farted up the place.

Tina:
Babysitting is a lot of responsibility, but at the ripe old age of 13, I think I've learned a few tricks. Watch this. (Yawns) Who's getting sleepy?

Gene:
(yawns) Me. Oh, she's good.

Tina:
I mean, zombies are more sexy than scary, right? I think everyone would agree with that.

Tina:
So what do you think of Jason? I'm pretty sure he's into you.

Willow:
Jason's my brother.

Tina:
Ohhh, I was wondering why you both said "Bye, Mom" to the same lady. Still, there's something there...

Linda:
Oh, you too, Sergeant Bosco?

Sergeant Bosco:
Shush! I'm undercover.

Bob:
You're wearing your badge outside your shirt.

Sergeant Bosco:
Dammit! Just treat me like a regular customer.

Linda:
Okay. What'll you have, Sergeant Customer?

Sergeant Bosco:
I'll have a... coffee.

Gene:
Very convincing.

Sergeant Bosco:
Shush!

Gene:
At least you get to keep that sweet whistle.

Tina:
Uh, no. I have to return it tomorrow.

Louise:
Can you at least play something one last time?

[Tina blows whistle]

Bob:
Better not. It's kinda shrill.

Louise:
You love mom.

Linda:
What?

Linda:
Give it another day, and if you still hate it after that day, you give it another day. And you keep going like that, forever. That's what working is. But it's not all bad. They pay you, and you get to go home after and say "What a day!" and drink.

Linda:
Bob, You’re a silly!

Realtor Julia:
I can see this house is winning you over! Do you think you're getting close to making an offer? Do you want to call your bank? Is that crazy?

Linda:
Uh, no, it's not, uh, crazy. Uh, I can call them right now.

[Linda takes out phone, dials]

Linda:
1... 800... Bank. Uh, hi bank, it's Linda. Uh, yeah, it's Linda with the money. Uh, how are interest rates?

Tina:
Full disclosure, this is squirrel blood, not human. Um, but each squirrel only bleeds a few ounces, so... do the math. (Groans) So many squirrels! SHE PEELS THEM LIKE FRUIT ROLL-UPS!

Ms. LaBonz:
Okay students, Mr. Ambrose is gonna watch you during study buddy time while I go outside to NOT smoke several cigarettes.

Mr. Ambrose:
Okay, do your math or whatever. I don't know. You're never gonna use it. I don't use it.

Louise:
Gene, you're gonna have to choose: Tina, or me? I lost one sister today. Am I gonna lose another?

Gene:
Aaah! I can't decide! I'm like a sexy Switzerland!

Ms. LaBonz:
So you were gonna climb up that hose by yourself?

Tina:
Oh, um, yup.

Coach Blevins:
Really? I teach you in gym.

Tina:
Well, I won, as predicted. I shutted your butts. Should we go back and see how much grease you have to clean?

Louise:
You shut your butt.

Tina:
You shut your butt!

Louise:
No, you shut YOUR butt!

Tina:
My butt is shut.

Gene:
[happily] Mine's WIIIIIDE OPEN!