Boy Meets World, Season 7

Eric:
[about his haircut] It's not gonna grow back; I got my receipt!

Eric:
Oh, wait Mr. Feeny! Great news; I don't have to sleep in your car any more.

Feeny:
You've been sleeping in my car? Since when?

Eric:
Since I got kicked out of the apartment. I usually wait for you and Dean Whats-her-head to go to bed and then I kinda curl up in the back seat. Unless, of course, I have company over.

Feeny:
You have company in my car?!

Eric:
Thursday's spaghetti night.

Shawn:
Cory, before we actually start interfering with these people's lives, don't you think we should find out why they actually split up in the first place?

Cory:
It's insignificant, Shawnie. It's unimportant. Okay, this is Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence. We've known these people all our lives. They're in love with each other and they do not want to split up. Trust me, I once caught him grabbing her tushy and going, "Ah-ooga!" [pumps arm]

Eric:
You know something, I'm gonna stand up to you, just like Feeny told me to. And then you're both gonna back down. You know why? 'Cause you are a bully by definition.

Mankind:
Would you like to fly through the air or go through the wall?

Eric:
Hmm... Air, please. [Mankind picks him up and throws him] Woo-hoo!

Angela:
Go Away!

Shawn:
Milk Man!

Angela:
There aren't any milk men anymore.

Shawn:
Cow!

Sgt. Moore:
Matthews!

Eric:
Sir, yes sir!

Sgt. Moore:
You are a disgrace to this university, this country and humanity in general!

Eric:
[flattered] Oh, wow!

Sgt. Moore:
[to Eric] Drop and give me twenty!

Eric:
Fine. [drops to the floor and holds up a twenty-dollar bill] Dude, you better pay me back!

[Feeny is grading papers at his desk when Eric rides in, dressed as a bicyclist and honking his horn.]

Feeny:
Ah, the Tour de Idiot.

Eric:
[phony Italian accent] Hi, I'm from-a Italy...

Feeny:
Shut up.

Feeny:
Eric, I am going to make this so simple that even you can understand it.

Eric:
You can try.

Jack:
Tell me what you're gonna do.

Eric:
I'm gonna take the money to the bank, deposit it and come right back.

Jack:
Very good, keep saying it.

Eric:
Take the money to the bank, deposit it and come right back.

Jack:
Keep saying it!

Eric:
Take the money to the bank; deposit it and come right back.

[Cut to Eric walking into the bank]

Eric:
Take my mommy to see Frank, clean my closet, take a nap. Where am I? [looks in wallet] Ooh, money.

Cory:
[reading the titles of the videos the girls rented] "Estrogen on Parade," "Put Down the Seat," and "These Shoes or These Shoes."

Topanga:
We had no idea planning a wedding would be so hard.

Cory:
It's like riding a pogo stick in a mine field. BOOM! Boing. BOOM! Boing...

Cory:
[referring to Eric] You know he's gonna drop the rings down the minister's pants.

Shawn:
And dive right in after them.

Cory:
With both hands. Causing the minister to freak.

Shawn:
And cough.

Cory:
And cough. And they'll knock over the candles and set the entire church on fire.

Shawn:
And here comes the fire department with their hoses and axes, chopping up everything in sight. And Topanga's gonna blame -

Cory:
Me! And I don't get nothin' on the honeymoon!

Cory:
Do you understand that you owe me?

Topanga:
Yes.

Cory:
Do you intend to pay me?

Topanga:
Yes.

Cory:
In the road?

Topanga:
Yes, in the road.

Cory:
And you'll call me Don Francisco?

Topanga:
Yes.

Cory:
Yes...who?

Topanga:
Yes, Don Francisco.

Cory:
Alright, I'll marry you!

Topanga:
*to Shawn* How can there be anything wrong between you and Cory? You love him more than I do! *to her mother* It's true, but I'm okay with it.

Cory:
Beans? You picked beans?

Shawn:
What's the matter with beans?

Cory:
Beans are not a wedding can!

Shawn:
Why not?

Cory:
Because beans do not say eternal love and happiness!

Eric:
I know what they say!

Feeny:
Hey, moron. Where're the tuxedos?

Eric:
Oh, in the limo, baby!

Alan:
What limo, baby?

Shawn:
We've had to deal with life, death, and Feeny.

[Topanga wants to be carried over the threshold for the second time.]

Cory:
NO!

Topanga:
What? You want me to carry you?

Cory:
I'm light as a feather, really.

Mrs. Nelson:
I don't like the cold.

Cory:
Me neither. In fact, I'm cold right now.

Topanga:
Cory, it's 92 degrees.

Cory:
I'm very cold. Why don't we go in the bedroom and go under the covers like we did before?

Topanga:
Cory, we're married now. We can do it every night for the rest of your life.

Mr. Nelson:
Get it in writing, kid.

Cory:
Ooh, fruit! [Reads note] Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. E.J. Peterman. Now, normally my intuitive sense would kick in, but hey!

Cory:
Hey, little boy, how are you?

Boy:
I see dead people.

Cory:
That's nice.

Cory:
We have bugs.

Shawn:
Everybody has bugs.

Cory:
Our bugs have cars.

[After being dumped by four girls]

Eric:
Hey, you want to get be experimented on?

Jack:
Yeah, sure.

Amy:
I don't like when you call him "idiot," Alan.

Alan:
I didn't call him anything.

Amy:
Oh. I guess I must have thought it in my head.

Eric:
[dressed as a woman] How do I look, babe?

Shawn:
Yes on the dress, no on the face.

Eric:
Too much make-up?

Shawn:
Too much ugly.

Feeny:
[looking at Eric dressed as a woman] Hm, double D's - just like your grades.

Amy:
Oh, Eric... we used you as a decoy. We knew you'd be stupid, so we used it against you.

Cory:
"I don't like cemeteries. I haven't even visited my Nana BooBoo."

Shawn:
"Nana Boo Boo isn't dead."

Cory:
"Oh, so what now you're a doctor?!"

Shawn:
Why didn't you tell me who my mom was?

Chet:
Your mother's Virna.

Shawn:
No. The woman who gave birth to me.

Chet:
Oh, her. Uh, she took off. When you were born I said, "Honey! It's a... Honey?"

Cory:
You'll never guess.

Shawn:
Topanga's pregnant.

Cory:
She is? Why'd she tell you and not me? Are you the father of my child?

Shawn:
Hey, idiot.

Cory:
What?

Shawn:
You had news?

Cory:
Oh, yeah.

Cory:
You see, I'm the lord of my castle. And as the lord, I think it's up to me to provide. And it's up to Topanga to be my grateful French chambermaid, Fifi LaBanza.

Cory:
Well, at least I'm not a hoity-toity, photo assistant, KISS JUDY'S TUSHIE!

Topanga:
Maybe, I have to "kiss Judy's tushie", because YOU can't sell one stinking MAGAZINE!

Shawn:
Okay...that's it

Angela:
Yeah, we should...

Cory:
What did you just say?

Topanga:
[backpeddling] I just said, you haven't been doing all that well with your magazine sales...

Cory:
No. No, NO! That's NOT what you said! You said I'm a LOSER, Topanga! I know you said it, because I heard it! I heard it from YOUR BIG MOUTH!

Topanga:
Oh! I have a big mouth now?!

Cory:
Yeah!

Topanga:
You can't even play Solitaire, IMBECILE! Did ya hear that okay from my big mouth?!

Cory:
You know what, Topanga, I used to be able to. I used to do a lot of things, before I married YOU! Congratulations! You killed my spirit![Topanga walks away heartbroken] I win. You leave, I win! BYE!...oh man...

Cory:
Oh, no...Topanga? Topanga?!

Topanga:
I'm here.

Cory:
Hi...[closes the door] You're playing Solitaire?

Topanga:
Yeah. 'cause I alone. I played 19 games

Cory:
Did you win them all? [Topanga shoots him "The look"] Sorry.

Topanga:
Yeah.

Cory:
Look, could you put the cards away? I need to talk to you.

Topanga:
Oh? You have something you want to say to me now?

Cory:
I'm-I'm sorry about what happened. I'm, I'm deeply, deeply sorry. Y'know? And I do take back what I said to you.

Topanga:
[stands up and walks to the side of the room opposite Cory] Uh-huh?

Cory:
Th-that's all I get is "uh-huh?"? Topanga, I just apologized! Now it's your turn...?

Topanga:
No! That's not the way it works!

Cory:
What, I don't apologize good enough for you, either?!

Topanga:
OH, IS THAT WHAT THAT WAS?!

Cory:
That's right... I'm a hypochondriac!

Topanga:
Cory! It means that there's nothing wrong with you! It means you create stuff in your head!

Cory:
Yes, well. [holds up bottle] He gave me these placebos.

Shawn:
Placebos are what they give to crazy people like you to make them think they're being cured of something they don't have!

Cory:
Hey! I have to be on these for the REST OF MY LIFE!!

Topanga:
Do you want a blanket?

Cory:
Oh, that would be swell. But not wool. Wool chafes my nippies.

Eric:
Y'know, Jack, I'm having trouble opening this jar.

Jack:
That's because it's a can.

Feeny:
Mr. Matthews, I have no idea what you're talking about. And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.

Eric:
All right, look, I'm glad you're both here. Listen to me. I've been reading a lot about this guy named Gandhi. Now Gandhi's an Indian. He's a Cherokee, I think, but that's not really what's important. Gandhi is a master at solving all conflicts peacefully. Now the first thing we need to do is start a dialogue. [Jack and Shawn remain silent] Okay, to have a dialogue, somebody has to talk. [looks in his book] Somebody has to talk, yeah. So who's gonna go first?

Jack:
[to Shawn] Aw, to hell with you, man.

Eric:
Now that's good. Let's build from that.

Shawn:
[to Jack] To hell with you, too.

Jack:
Eric?

Eric:
[dressed like a prophet] No, not Eric, not any more.

Jack:
Uh-huh. It's fine, it's just fine... [walks out, sighs, then walks back in] Okay, what is your name now?

Eric:
My name... is Plays With Squirrels.

Jack:
Perfect. Even more insane.

Eric:
Insane? If giving away all your worldly possessions, renouncing society and learning how to purify and drink your own urine is insane, then well... Yes, color me insane.

Jack:
[Reading Eric's manifesto] "Lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself."

[Feeny has the gang kept in a room]

Topanga:
Mr. Feeny, how can you keep us locked in this room?

Feeny:
A-minus

Topanga:
Well played, old man.

Cory:
Pregnant? How can she be pregnant?

Shawn:
Okay, Cory, let me explain this to you. When a man loves a woman...

Cory:
I know about that, okay? We were very careful.

Shawn:
Did you use a...

Cory:
Yes!

Shawn:
Was she on the...

Cory:
Uh-huh!

Shawn:
Well, did you try the...

Cory:
Everything! I'm not even sure we had sex!

Eric:
[to Amy] You never breast-fed me!

Alan:
Eric -

Eric:
You didn't either! Breast-fed kids are skinny. Formula fed kids are fat. You know, at first I blamed it on myself. I thought maybe glands, and then I thought maybe metabolism. But then I thought to myself, I'm no racist! So it all goes back to you guys.

Alan:
Listen, Porky, we're in the middle of a serious family discussion here.

Topanga:
We have become your parents.

Cory:
Never mention my parents in bed! NEVER!

Eric:
Hey, I am not a carnival act! All right, yeah, I am a carnival act, but my sneezing is a gift. It's a gift that should not be abused! Unless, of course, we can use it to get chicks!

Topanga:
Your queen demands a duel. Lord Hunter. [hands Shawn a sword] Sir Complain-a-lot. [hands Cory a sword] The winner shall get my hand.

Cory:
[French accent] En guarde, doody-head.

Shawn:
[French accent] Prepare to die, scoundrel.

Cory:
Oh, I'm a scoundrel? Cool.

Topanga:
All right, your queen's getting bored. Can we see some bloodshed?

Eric:
Y'know something, I take it back, it is about cleaning out the stupid garage. Dad wanted us to do that together, and you chose to leave me out. Those were our memories! Do you have any idea how it felt to go down there and see Shawn and Topanga there instead of me?

Cory:
Look, Eric, we're brothers, okay?

Eric:
Y'know what, you're right. We're brothers. We're not friends. That means you don't have to like me, and you don't. [exits]

Eric:
[to Man who hit cory} THAT'S. [hit] MY. [HIT] BROTHER. [HIT] NOBODY. [HIT] HITS. [HIT] MY. [HIT] BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! [ puts hand on shoulder ] so this guy walks in a bar...

Eric:
It was one of those nights - you know the kind. Like day, but darker.

Eric's voiceover:
I'm Shangri-La's own gumshoe. There's the gum... on my shoe.

[Secretary puts more gum on his shoe]

Eric's voiceover:
More gum.

Eric:
Your wife was transported to an alternate universe. As far as I can tell, your closet is a vortex that connects your reality with ours.

Cory:
Topanga, come out of the closet, Eric's drunk!

Eric:
Drunk with knowledge.

Secretary:
Someone's here to see you.

Eric:
You mean a case?

Secretary:
No silly, a person.

Cory:
You know what else they got in Europe aside from cafés, Shawn? They got men. Men named... Paolo. Enrique! Milosh! And they sit there prowling around in their dirty Ferraris looking for that fresh American meat.

Shawn:
Look, I trust Angela.

Cory:
[does a callous French laugh, then speaks in a French accent] I'm eating a croissant! Jump into my Porsche, and we will drive on the wrong side of de road!

Eric:
[to Angela, holding a stack of photos of himself] 'Kay, so I want you to do me a favor. I want you to hand these out to all the European girls you see, okay? And tell them that if they want me to be their American boyfriend, my number's right there at the bottom of the picture, okay? Now, I've only got five hundred, so don't be handing them out to any hairy chicks, all right?

Cory:
Why does everyone always take Topanga's side?!

Eric:
Boobies.

Cory:
We're not going to New York! Nothing's gonna change! YAYYYY!!

Shawn:
You know she didn't mean a word she just said, right?

Cory:
I know. But for now, join me in fooling myself.

Eric:
FEENAH! FEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEENAH! FEENYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! OOO, THAT WAS A NEW ONE!

Feeny:
You are NOT CALLING A DUCK!

Mr. Feeny:
[to Cory, Shawn, Eric and Topanga] Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good.

Topanga:
[to Mr. Feeny] Don't you mean do well?

Mr. Feeny:
[to Topanga] No, I mean...do good.

[saying their goodbyes to Mr. Feeny]

Topanga:
I will never forget you. You were more of a father to me than my own dad.

Shawn:
You...you never gave up on me. Never once. I'm...I'm not gonna forget you. You're the best person I know.

Eric:
I don't know what's gonna happen to me. But I do know that I'm gonna be a good person who cares about people, and I blame you for that.

Mr. Feeny:
[to Cory] So, Mr. Matthews...

Cory:
[to Mr. Feeny] You think we've known each other long enough to call me Cory?

Mr. Feeny:
[to Cory] I think we've known each other long enough for me to call you Cornelius.

Cory:
[to Mr. Feeny] Shh! Mr. Feeny! Come on--not even Topanga knows that!

Mr. Feeny:
[to Cory] Your secret is safe with me.

Cory:
[to Mr. Feeny] Well, I got Topanga to go to New York

Mr. Feeny:
[to Cory] Good for you.

Cory:
[to Mr. Feeny] She's not even scared anymore

Mr. Feeny:
[to Cory] Why should she be?

Cory:
[to Mr. Feeny] I am.

Mr. Feeny:
[to Cory] ...Well you have a right to be

Cory:
[to Mr. Feeny] You coming with us Mr. Feeny?...You gonna sneak up on us in Central Park or something?

Mr. Feeny:
[to Cory] No, I should remain here.

Cory:
[to Mr. Feeny] No, you'll always be with us. As long as we live, okay?

Feeny:
[after everyone leaves the room] I love you all...Class dismissed.

Cory:
[Enraged] YOU TOO, TRAILER TRASH!!!

Shawn:
WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT!

Cory:
I DON'T WANT TO!

Shawn:
WE HAVE TO!

Cory:
Now?