Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 2

Cordelia:
Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.

[The others look at each other.]

Buffy:
[to Xander] Was that an insult?

Xander:
Kinda lacked punch.

Willow:
The Three Musketeers were cool.

Cordelia:
I see your point.

Xander:
I woulda gone with Stooges.

Cordelia:
Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?

Willow:
Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.

Xander:
Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!

Buffy:
I would have to go with Stooges also.

Cordelia:
Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?

Buffy:
As defending champion, you nervous?

Cordelia:
[scoffs] I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close which is good cause I don't really like you that much. But you have been known to save the world on occasion, so I'm going to give you a piece of advice.

Buffy:
Which is?

Cordelia:
Get over it.

Buffy:
Excuse me?

Cordelia:
Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Willow:
She's possessed!

Giles:
Possessed?

Willow:
That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.

Xander:
Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? [gets looks from the others and concedes] She's possessed.

Giles:
Possessed by what?

Willow:
Aaaaa possessing thing!

Giles:
[sarcastically] Well, that narrows it down.

Xander:
Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened.

Willow:
That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?

Giles:
Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.

Xander:
A bitcuh?

Angel:
We need to distract the vampires.

Buffy:
Right.

Angel:
What are you gonna do?

Buffy:
I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract 'em.

Cordelia:
What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?

Jenny:
What?

Cordelia:
It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.

Jenny:
Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat. The stains.

Buffy:
Are you jealous?

Angel:
[laughs a bit] Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.

Buffy:
Is it 'cause I danced with him?

Angel:
Danced with is a pretty loose term. Mated with might be a little closer.

Buffy:
Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.

Angel:
I am not jealous.

Buffy:
You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?

Angel:
See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

Xander:
[digging in the grave yard as the girls watch] Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.

Giles:
[stopping, almost breathless] Hear, hear.

Buffy:
Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Xander:
So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies.

Willow:
Is it an army if you just have three?

Buffy:
Zombie drill team then.

Buffy:
I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?

Xander:
[bitterly] You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.

Buffy:
Love has nothing to do with this.

Xander:
Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.

Xander:
Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?

Willow:
All the time.

Cordelia:
Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...

Xander:
Do you mind? We're talking here.

[Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves]

Xander:
So where were we?

Willow:
Wondering why we never get dates.

Xander:
Yeah, so why do you think that is?

Big Ugly:
This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.

Spike:
You were there? Please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion actually was there, it would've been like Woodstock.

Big Ugly:
I oughta rip your throat out.

Spike:
I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and then I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.

[Big Ugly rushes Spike, who punches him out without even looking]

Spike:
[to Collin] So, who do you kill for fun around here?

Collin:
Who are you?

Spike:
Spike. You're that Anointed guy. I read about you. You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.

Collin:
Can you?

Spike:
[glancing at Big Ugly] A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag... [scoffs] Who am I kidding? I love to brag!

Buffy:
We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.

Angel:
You said you weren't sure if you were going.

Buffy:
I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?

Willow:
Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... [Awkward beat.] Why do they call it a mace?

Angel:
I taught you to always guard your perimeter. [tuts.] You should have someone out there.

Spike:
I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?

Angel:
Everything.

Spike:
Yeah. Come up against this slayer yet?

Angel:
She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.

Spike:
People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!

Xander:
[to Angel] I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.

Spike:
You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!

Angel:
Things change.

Spike:
Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom! Come on people! This isn't a spectator sport!

Buffy:
Do we really need weapons for this?

Spike:
I just like them, they make me feel all manly.

Spike:
[destroying Collin] From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here!

Giles:
You have responsibilities that other girls do not.

Buffy:
Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.

Giles:
It's as if you know me.

Devon MacLeish:
What does a girl have to do to impress you?

Oz:
Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here.

Devon:
You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency!

Oz:
I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.

Devon:
She doesn't have to talk.

Ampata:
You are always thinking of others before yourself. You remind me of someone from very long ago. The Inca Princess.

Buffy:
Cool! A princess.

Ampata:
They told her that she was the only one. That only she could defend her people from the nether world. Out of all the girls in her generation... she was the only one... chosen. Do you know the story?

Buffy:
It's fairly familiar.

Ampata:
She was sixteen, like us. She was offered as a sacrifice and went to her death. Who knows what she had to give up to fulfill her duty to others?

Xander:
Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance.

Ampata:
[laughs] Why was that so scary?

Xander:
Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.

Ampata:
Hmm. Then you are very courageous.

Xander:
I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.

Buffy:
Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with, and... I-I do think she cared about you.

Xander:
Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.

Buffy:
She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.

Xander:
Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.

Buffy:
I had you to bring me back.

Angel:
I knew this was gonna happen.

Buffy:
What? What do you think is happening?

Angel:
You're 16 years old, I'm 241.

Buffy:
I've done the math.

Angel:
You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you want.

Buffy:
Oh, no, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation.

Angel:
Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing's going to lead to another.

Buffy:
One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?

Angel:
I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.

Buffy:
Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

Angel:
[grabs her roughly] This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.

Buffy:
No. When you kiss me I want to die.

Buffy:
Well, say it.

Xander:
I'm not gonna say it.

Willow:
You lied to Giles.

Xander:
'Cause she will.

Buffy:
I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly.

Xander:
Like a corn dog.

Willow:
Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.

Xander:
Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?

Buffy:
There's no orgies!

Buffy:
Angel barely says two words to me.

Xander:
Don't you hate that?

Buffy:
And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.

Xander:
That bastard!

Buffy:
You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.

Xander:
Yeah! [pause] Tom? Who's Tom?

Willow:
The frat guy.

Xander:
Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'?

Giles:
She lied to me?

Willow:
Well...

Angel:
Did... she have a date?

Willow:
[to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? [Awkward beat] Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.

Buffy:
I told one lie, I had one drink.

Giles:
Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Willow:
It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher Diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.

Buffy:
Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.

Willow:
Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.

Buffy:
Most importantly, it would be wrong.

[cut to Willow and Buffy sneaking into the library]

Buffy:
Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.

Cordelia:
Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.

Willow:
It's true.

Cordelia:
You know what I think? I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

[Buffy admonishes Willow on her choice of a boring ghost costume.]

Buffy:
It's just ... You're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding! You're missing the whole point of Halloween.

Willow:
Free candy?

Buffy:
It's "come as you aren't" night! The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild, with no repercussions.

Willow:
Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

Drusilla:
Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see?

Spike:
Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

Buffy:
Ta da. Just little old 20th-century me.

Angel:
Sure you're okay?

Buffy:
I'll live.

Angel:
I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?

Buffy:
I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.

Angel:
Oh, ho.

Buffy:
What?

Angel:
I hated the girls back then. Especially the noblewomen.

Buffy:
You did.

Angel:
They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone ... exciting. Interesting.

Buffy:
Really? Interesting how?

Angel:
You know how.

Buffy:
Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me.

Angel:
You're right. I should.

Buffy:
Definitely.

Cordelia:
I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...

Xander:
I think you mean oppressed.

Cordelia:
Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Willow:
Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?

Angel:
Are you going to tell me that I'm jealous?

Willow:
Well, you do sometimes get that way.

Angel:
You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty ... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

Angel:
He left no paper trail. That's incriminating enough.

Xander:
I'm going to have to go with Deadboy on this one.

Angel:
Could ya not call me that?

Angel:
Do you love me?

Buffy:
What?

Angel:
Do you?

Buffy:
I love you. I don't know if I trust you.

Angel:
Maybe you shouldn't do either.

Buffy:
Maybe I'm the one who should decide!

Angel:
I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was ... an obsession of mine. She was pure, and sweet, and chaste.

Buffy:
And you made her a vampire.

Angel:
First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.

Buffy:
Well. I asked for the truth.

Giles:
I believe that's called growing up.

Buffy:
Then I'd like to stop, okay?

Giles:
I know the feeling.

Buffy:
Does it ever get easy?

[Ford rises from the ground and attacks Buffy, she stakes him]

Giles:
You mean life?

Buffy:
Yeah. Does it get easy?

Giles:
What do you want me to say?

Buffy:
Lie to me.

Giles:
Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.

Buffy:
Liar.

Xander:
Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.

Buffy:
He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."

Giles:
Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.

Buffy:
Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels.

Ethan Rayne:
Well we can't run. Eyghon will find us. This mark's like a homing beacon.

Buffy:
It's okay. I'm not much into running.

Ethan Rayne:
Aren't we manly?

Buffy:
One of us is.

Ethan Rayne:
If you think of it karmically this is, this is really big for your soul. You know, taking my place with the demon. Giving, so that others may live.

Buffy:
I'm gonna kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?

Buffy:
I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.

Giles:
Most grownups are.

Xander:
"Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?

Buffy:
So, mark "none of the above".

Xander:
Well, there are no boxes for "none of the above". That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.

Xander:
What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.

Willow:
You're not gonna be young forever.

Xander:
Yes, but I'll always be stupid. [silence. He looks around] Let's not all rush to disagree.

Buffy:
I wish we could be regular kids.

Angel:
Yeah. I'll never be a kid.

Buffy:
Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Dalton:
Yes, but ... The Order of Taraka. I mean, isn't that overkill?

Spike:
No, I think it's just enough kill.

Cordelia:
I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?

Xander:
That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.

Cordelia:
Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.

Xander:
I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

Cordelia:
You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face!

Xander:
Then go! I'm not stopping you!

Cordelia:
I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!

Xander:
Not just any girl. You're special.

Cordelia:
I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here with you!

Xander:
I hope these are my last few moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...

Cordelia:
"I'm gonna" what? [steps closer] Coward!

Xander:
Moron!

Cordelia:
I hate you!

Xander:
I hate you!

[They kiss]

Xander:
...We so need to get out of here!

Cordelia:
[nods, frightened] Uh huh.

Willow:
There's a Slayer handbook?

Buffy:
Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?

Willow:
Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...

Giles:
After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.

Buffy:
Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?

Kendra:
And those two, they also know you are the Slayer?

Buffy:
Yep.

Kendra:
Did anyone explain to you what "secret identity" means?

Buffy:
Nope. Must be in the handbook. Right after the chapter on personality removal.

Buffy:
It's your lucky day, Spike.

Kendra:
Two Slayers!

Buffy:
No waiting!

Oz:
Oh, hey, animal cracker?

Willow:
No, thank you. How's your arm?

Oz:
Suddenly painless.

Willow:
You can still play guitar okay?

Oz:
Not well, but not worse.

Willow:
You know, I never really thanked you.

Oz:
Please don't. I don't do thanks. I get all red and I have to bail. It's not pretty.

Willow:
Well then forget-that thing. Especially the part where I kind of owe you my life.

[Oz pulls a cracker from the box, hoping to change the subject.]

Oz:
Look. Monkey. And he has a little hat. And little pants.

Willow:
Yeah. I see.

Oz:
The monkey is the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that... You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen... So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And you know the monkey's just, [in French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants," then there's a big coup at the zoo...

Willow:
The monkey's French?

Oz:
All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?

Willow:
And you're loving playing nursemaid?

Buffy:
Oh, yeah!

Xander:
So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy:
Vampires are creeps.

Giles:
Yes, that's why one slays them.

Buffy:
I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am-

Giles:
Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.

Buffy:
So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.

Angel:
So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?

Buffy:
I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.

Angel:
No, but maybe your mom does.

Buffy:
Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.

Angel:
Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.

Buffy:
Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?

Angel:
Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?

Buffy:
My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?

Angel:
Kiss me.

Buffy:
Finally, something I wanna do!

Buffy:
[about Ted] So far, all I see is someone who supposedly has a good job, and is nice and polite, and my mother really likes him.

Xander:
What kind of a monster is he?

Buffy:
Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!

Willow:
I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia:
Like how to build your own serial killer?

Xander:
Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Joyce:
It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.

Buffy:
But I looked good in it.

Joyce:
You looked like a streetwalker.

Buffy:
But a thin streetwalker. (pauses) That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?

Joyce:
You're just too young to wear that.

Buffy:
Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it.

Joyce:
That's the idea.

Buffy:
Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?

Xander:
I think the word you're searching for is absent.

Willow:
Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]

Buffy:
As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.

Willow:
No, it's your baby!

Buffy:
Okay, I get it even less.

Xander:
You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.

Willow:
My egg is Jewish.

Xander:
Then teach it that dreidel song.

Willow:
Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.

Giles:
Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.

Xander:
Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.

Buffy:
Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up! [cut to Buffy and Angel on patrol making out]

Xander:
Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.

Willow:
You boiled your young?

Giles:
I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.

Xander:
I resent that! Or possibly thank you.

Giles:
A little of both might be appropriate.

Angel:
So you don't think about the future?

Buffy:
No.

Angel:
Never?

Buffy:
No.

Angel:
You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?

Buffy:
Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.

Angel:
I know the feeling.

[Buffy tells Angel about her dream, in which Drusilla kills him.]

Angel:
Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?

Buffy:
I dreamt ... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.

Angel:
You see my point?

[Buffy prods Willow about her interest in Oz.]

Willow:
Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior.

Buffy:
You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

...

Buffy:
You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.

Willow:
Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

Oz:
I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.

Willow:
Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."

Oz:
Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?

Willow:
[slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!

Oz:
Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.

Willow:
Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.

Oz:
It's okay.

Willow:
But you could come! If you wanted.

Oz:
Well, I don't want to crash.

Willow:
No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date.

Oz:
All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave]

Willow:
[walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!

Willow:
Are you okay?

Oz:
Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?

Willow:
Ohhh, well ... sort of.

Xander:
Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.

Willow:
I know it's hard to accept at first.

Oz:
Actually, it explains a lot.

[The Judge has captured both Buffy and Angel.]

Angel:
Leave her alone!

Spike:
That'll work. Now say pretty please.

Angel:
Take me instead.

Spike:
Apparently, you're not familiar with the concept. There is no instead, only firsts and seconds.

Drusilla:
And if you go first, you don't get to watch the Slayer die.

Spike:
Hurts, doesn't it??

Angelus:
Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.

Spike:
Don't just stand there. Burn him.

Angelus:
Gee, maybe he's broken.

Spike:
What the hell is going on?

Judge:
This one ... cannot be burnt. He is clean.

Spike:
Clean? You mean, he's ...

Judge:
There's no humanity in him.

Angelus:
I couldn't have said it better myself.

Drusilla:
Angelus.

Angelus:
Yeah, baby. I'm back.

...

Spike:
No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?

Angelus:
What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.

...

Spike:
You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?

Angelus:
She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.

Willow:
I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!

Xander:
I know it's weird ...

Willow:
Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia Club', of which you are the treasurer.

Xander:
Look, I was gonna tell you.

Willow:
Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?

Xander:
All right, let's over-react, shall we?

Willow:
But I'm ...

Xander:
Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.

Willow:
No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.

Angelus:
[about last night, when they had sex] What? I took off.

Buffy:
But you didn't say anything. You just left.

Angelus:
Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.

Buffy:
What?

Angelus:
You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.

Buffy:
What are you saying?

Angelus:
Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.

Buffy:
I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?

Angelus:
You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.

Spike:
Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'être, you know.

...

Angelus:
Spike, my boy, you really don't get it, do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl ... you have to love her.

Giles:
It's not over. I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile ... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.

Buffy:
You must be so disappointed in me.

Giles:
No. No no, I'm not.

Buffy:
This is all my fault.

Giles:
I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he ... he's proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.

Willow:
We have a lot of fun, but I want smoochies!

Buffy:
Have you dropped any hints?

Willow:
I've dropped anvils.

Buffy:
Well, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?

Willow:
At last count? All of them, maybe more.

Buffy:
Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.

Willow:
But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!

Buffy:
But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.

Willow:
Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.

Buffy:
Meow!

Willow:
Thanks, I haven't gotten a "Meow" before.

Giles:
Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and-and aggressive.

Buffy:
In other words, your typical male.

Xander:
On behalf of my gender, hey!

Giles:
Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.

Buffy:
I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.

Buffy:
[to Willow] Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.

Oz:
You mean... you'd still...

Willow:
Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.

Oz:
You are quite the human.

Willow:
So I'd still, if you'd still.

Oz:
I'd still. I'd very still!

Willow:
Okay. No biting, though.

Oz:
Agreed.

[Willow walks off, then runs back and gives Oz a quick but thorough kiss. She leaves again.]

Oz:
Huh. A werewolf in love.

Xander:
I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.

Buffy:
Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.

Xander:
Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Angelus:
Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.

Spike:
Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.

Angelus:
Lacks... poetry.

Spike:
It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?

Drusilla:
Don't worry, Spike. Angel always knows...what speaks to a girl's heart.

Willow:
Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.

Xander:
Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Xander:
Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.

Buffy:
Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?

Xander:
It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you, you're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me, but you don't, so I can't.

Buffy:
[angered] So you're saying this is all a game?

Xander:
A game? I... No!

Buffy:
You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?

Xander:
Buffy, please calm down.

Buffy:
I'll calm down when you explain yourself!

Amy:
Get away from him. He's mine.

Buffy:
Oh, I don't think so. Xander, tell her.

Xander:
What? I, uh...

Amy:
He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants.

Buffy:
Funny, I know what your face wants. [Buffy punches Amy hard in the face] What is this, you're two-timing me?

Amy:
Goddess Hecate, work thy will...

Xander:
Uh-oh.

Amy:
... Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!

Cordelia:
Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.

Harmony:
I'm not a sheep.

Cordelia:
You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? [Xander smiles] I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. [Xander stops smiling]

Angelus:
Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead.

Cordelia:
Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants!

Xander:
Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.

Buffy:
It's so weird. Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.

Willow:
Well, sort of, except ...

Buffy:
Except what?

Willow:
You're still the only thing he thinks about.

Xander:
I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the ... fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"

Buffy:
Yeah. There's just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It'll get him killed.

Spike:
Are you insane? We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in her friends' beds.

Drusilla:
But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.

Spike:
What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!

Angelus:
Don't worry, Roller Boy. I've got everything under control. [ Molotov Cocktail lights the room on fire]

Buffy:
Hey. Here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home?

Dr. Wilkinson:
No. Buffy, you need to lie down, honey.

Buffy:
Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's... not my bed.

Dr. Wilkinson:
She's still a little out of it.

Buffy:
Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.

[Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework]

Buffy:
Homework.

Willow:
It's my way of saying get well soon.

Buffy:
You know, chocolate says that even better.

Willow:
I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.

Buffy:
Chocolate means nothing to me.

Giles:
Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?

Cordelia:
Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Willow:
I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.

Xander:
No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.

Willow:
Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?

Buffy:
I... never have.

Xander:
You don't know how to kill this thing.

Buffy:
I thought I might try violence.

Xander:
Solid call.

Buffy:
Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.

Willow:
Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!

Willow:
A ghost? Cool!

Xander:
Oh, no, no. No. Not cool. This was no wimpy chain-rattler. This was "I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."

Giles:
Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.

Xander:
I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.

Giles:
I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, in fact I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it's appropriate; you should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance, when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.

Giles:
[about the ghost of James] He's-he's trying to... resolve whatever issues are keeping him in limbo. What exactly those are, I'm not...

Buffy:
He wants forgiveness.

Giles:
Yes. I imagine he does. But when James possesses people, they act out exactly what happened that night. So he's experiencing a form of purgatory instead. I mean, he's doomed to kill his Ms. Newman over and over and over again, and... Forgiveness is impossible.

Buffy:
Good. He doesn't deserve it.

Giles:
To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.

Buffy:
No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.

Xander:
He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.

[After the poltergeists have been laid to rest]

Willow:
Everything seems normal. Not a snake, not a wasp.

Cordelia:
Yep. School can open again tomorrow.

Xander:
Explain to me again how that's a good thing?

Spike:
[as Angel viciously scrubs his face] You might want to let up. They say when you've drawn blood, you've exfoliated.

Angelus:
What do you know about it? I'm the one who was friggin' violated. You didn't have this thing in you.

Drusilla:
What was it? A demon?

Angelus:
[still washing his face] Love!

Drusilla:
Poor Angel.

Angelus:
[grabbing Drusilla] Let's get out of here. I need a really vile kill before sun-up to wipe this crap out of my system.

Drusilla:
Of course. We'll find you a nice toddler. [to Spike] Want to come, pet?

Angelus:
No can do, Dru. I'm sure he'd be hell on wheels, but we don't have much time. Gotta travel light. [grabs Spike and gets in his face] Sorry. Try to have fun without me.

[Angelus and Drusilla leave]

Spike:
Oh, I will. [stands and kicks away the wheelchair] Sooner than you think.

Xander:
Last month he's the freak with jicama breath who waxes his back. He wins a few meets and suddenly inherits the cool gene?

Cordelia:
Well, all I know is, my cheerleading squad wasted a lot of pep on losers. It's about time our school excelled at something.

Willow:
Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.

Xander:
We're number one!

Xander:
That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.

Cordelia:
Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.

Xander:
And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?

Cordelia:
Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.

Xander:
I think that was Lincoln.

Cordelia:
Disgusting mole and stupid hat.

Willow:
Actually, it was Jefferson.

Cordelia:
Kept slaves. Remember?

Buffy:
Tell me what's in the steam!

Coach Marin:
After the fall of the Soviet Union, documents came into light detailing experiments with fish DNA in their Olympic swimmers. Tarpon, mako shark... But they couldn't crack it.

Buffy:
And you did... sort of. Why?

Coach Marin:
What kind of question is that? For the win! To make my team the best they could be! Do you understand we have a shot at the State Championship?

Buffy:
Do you understand that I don't care? It's over. There's not gonna be any Swim Team.

Coach Marin:
Boy, when they were handing out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?

Buffy:
No. I was in the line for shred of sanity. [Coach Marin pulls out a gun, aiming at her] Which you obviously skipped.

Buffy:
So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?

Willow:
Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.

...

Willow:
So we're looking for a beastie.

Giles:
That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.

Buffy:
This doesn't make any sense.

Xander:
Yeah, the skin's the best part.

Buffy:
Any demons with high cholesterol? [Giles looks at her] You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh!

Buffy:
I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. It's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice?

Xander:
Three times a Fish Guy.

Buffy, Willow:
Oh.

Cordelia:
Whoa!

Xander:
What am I gonna do?

Cordelia:
You, you, you! What about me?! It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.

Xander:
Black Lagoon! The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support!

Buffy:
I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.

Principal Snyder:
Are we having a chair shortage?

Willow:
I didn't read anything about... oh, [slides off Oz's lap] I get it.

Principal Snyder:
These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.

Buffy:
Yeah, where they teach lunch.

Principal Snyder:
Just give me a reason to kick you out, Summers. Just give me a reason. [walks away]

Cordelia:
How about 'cause you're a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?

Buffy:
Sums it up.

Cordelia:
Don't you think?

[flashback]

Drusilla:
Me mum says I'm cursed. My seeing things is an affront to the Lord. That only He's supposed to see anything before it happens. But I don't mean to, Father, I swear. I swear. I try to be pure in His sight. I don't want to be an evil thing.

Angelus:
Oh, hush, child. The Lord has a plan for all creatures. Even a devil child like you.

Drusilla:
[mortified] A devil...

Angelus:
Yes, you're a spawn of Satan, all the Hail Mary's in the world aren't going to help. The Lord will use you and smite you down. He's like that.

Drusilla:
What can I do?

Angelus:
Fulfill His plan, child. Be evil. Just give in.

Drusilla:
No! I want to be good. I want to be pure.

Angelus:
We all do, at first. World doesn't work that way.

Drusilla:
Father, I beg you. Please... please, help me.

Angelus:
Very well. Ten 'Our Fathers' and an act of contrition. Does that sound good?

Drusilla:
Yes. Yes, Father, thank you.

Angelus:
The pleasure was mine. Oh, and my child?

Drusilla:
Yes?

Angelus:
God is watching you.

[Angelus, Drusilla and some vampires bring the sarcophagus back to show Spike]

Spike:
It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends, they all don't have a rock this big.

Angelus:
Spike, boy you never did learn your history.

Spike:
Let's have a lesson then.

Angelus:
Acathla, the demon, came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor :demon would want to look. Unless of course they're puttin' up low-rent housing. [to other vampires] Boys.

[two vampires open the sarcophagus]

Drusilla:
He fills my head. I can't hear anything else.

Spike:
Let me guess, someone pulls out the sword...

Angelus:
Someone worthy.

Spike:
...The demon wakes up and wackiness ensues.

Drusilla:
He will swallow the world.

Angelus:
And every creature living on this planet will go to hell. My friends, we're about to make history... end.

Giles:
I've been on the phone with the museum, the artifact in question is missing and the curator has been murdered vampires.

Buffy:
And you're sure this is the tomb of alfalfa.

Giles:
Acathla, and yes the information provided by Kendra's Watcher seems conclusive.

Willow:
Okay somebody explain the whole he will suck the world into hell thing because that's the part I'm not loving.

Giles:
Well the demon universe exists in a dimension separate from our own, and one breath of Acathla will create a vortex a kind of whirlpool that will pull everything on earth into that dimension where any non-demon life will suffer horrible and eternal torment.

Buffy:
So that would be the literal kind of sucked into hell. Neat. Willow I think you should try the curse.

Kendra:
I tend to stand with your friend Xander on this one. Angel should be eliminated.

Buffy:
Oh I'll fight him. I'll kill him if I have to, but if I Don't get there in time or I lose then Willow might be our only hope.

Willow:
[nervously] But I don't want to be our only hope, I crumble under pressure, lets have another hope.

Kendra:
We have. [pulls out a sword] Blessed by the knight who first slew the demon if all else fails this might stop it. [hesitantly] I think.

Giles:
Oh ooh may I. [Kendra hands Giles the sword] Thank you. [examining sword] Well its only if all else fails. [to Willow] Uh uh-mm how close are you to figuring out the ritual to the curse.

Willow:
Oh I need about a day, and an Orb of Thessulah, whatever that is.

Giles:
Spirit vault for the undead, I've got one. I've been using it as a paperweight.

Willow:
This means I can't help you study for tomorrow's final.

Buffy:
Oh, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em... Or maybe I'll be taking them forever.

Whistler:
Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that count. That's when you find out who you are.

Spike:
I want to save the world.

Buffy:
You do remember that you're a vampire, right?

Spike:
We like to talk big. Vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people, billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision, with a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

Buffy:
Okay, fine, you're not down with Angel. Why would you ever come to me?

Spike:
I want Dru back, I want it like it was before he came back. The way she acts around him.....

Buffy:
You're pathetic, I lost a friend tonight!

Spike:
I wasn't in on that raiding party.

Buffy:
And I may lose more. The whole earth may be sucked into Hell and you want my help because your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care!

Spike:
I can't fight them both alone and neither can you.

Buffy:
[seething] I hate you.

Spike:
And I'm all you've got.

[Knocked out cop groans]

Buffy:
Alright, talk.

Spike:
[Casually] I just need to kill this guy.

Buffy:
Ahem, ahem.

Spike:
Oh. Right.

Buffy:
Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?

Joyce:
Well, it stops now!

Buffy:
No, it doesn't stop. It never stops. Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.

Angelus:
Just tell me what I need to know.

Giles:
In order t-to... to be worthy... you must perform the ritual.. in a tutu. Pillock!

Angelus:
Alright. Someone get the chain saw.

Angelus:
No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?

Buffy:
Me.