Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 6

[Spike, Giles, and Tara are chasing a demon through the cemetery]

Spike:
Come on, I'm not going to get anything killed with you lot holding me back.

Tara:
I thought the big ones were supposed to tire more easily.

Spike:
No, that's over the hill shopkeepers.

Giles:
[Out of breath] I'm fine. I just need to die for a minute.

Spike:
It was that powder you blew at him that made him rabbit off.

Tara:
It was supposed to confuse him but it just made him peppy. Its not supposed to mix with anything. You think he's taking prescription medication?

Spike [Sarcastically]:
Yeah, that must be it.

Giles:
Well let's hope he doesn't handle any heavy machinery.

Willow:
I got her head back on, didn't I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.

Buffybot:
Oh, who's there?

Xander:
If you want her to be exactly...

Spike:
She'll never be exactly.

Xander:
I know.

Tara:
The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.

Giles:
And she's gone.

Buffybot:
If you want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone who?

Tara:
You found the last known Urn of Osiris on eBay?

Anya:
Yeah, from this desert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited-edition Backstreet Boys lunch box for -

[Xander coughs and glares at Anya]

Anya:
- a friend.

[Tara smiles knowingly at Xander]

Xander:
Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we: a) congratulate ourselves on a job well done-

Willow:
Xander, this isn't zombies.

Anya:
And zombies don't eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie master. A lot of people get that wrong.

Giles:
[sadly] I just can't help but wonder if... she would have been better off without me. Buffy.

Buffybot:
I don't think that's true. You were very helpful to her.

Giles:
[laughs bitterly] Right. Yes, I was a perfect Watcher. I did what any good Watcher would do - got my Slayer killed in the line of duty.

Buffybot:
Oh, that wasn't your fault.

Giles:
Of course not. That's how all Slayer-Watcher relationships end, isn't it? She's gone. I did my job.

Buffybot:
[innocently] Then why are you still here?

Xander:
I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star.

Willow:
Xander, that's not the North Star, it's an airplane.

Xander:
Demons, ah. There's something you don't see every day. Unless you're us.

Demon:
Not looking too good.

Xander:
I don't see you winning any beauty pageants. Not unless the "Miss my face fell off" contest gets going.

Demon:
Big axe you got there.

Xander:
Better to cut you down to size, grandma.

Willow:
Look, we don't want trouble, you don't want trouble.

Demon:
Actually we do want trouble. We're Demons. We're pretty much all about trouble.

Dawn:
This tower was built by crazy people and I don't think it's holding up very well.

Buffy:
How long was I gone?

Spike:
Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Hundred and forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it? [Pause] How long was it where you were?

Buffy:
...Longer.

[Willow has called Giles to tell him about Buffy's resurrection.]

Tara:
Did you get through to London?

Willow:
Yeah. He's gonna head back as soon as he can. I'm not sure, like maybe a couple days.

Tara:
How did he take it?

Willow:
Um, I'm not sure. I mean... glad, but kinda weirded out? Which I get, you know. Lots of "Dear Lords". And I think I actually heard him clean his glasses.

Spike:
[to Buffy] Uh ... I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I had done that ... even if I didn't make it ... you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I'd save you.

Spike:
I was going to go inside but I overheard you and the superfriends having a special moment and I came over a bit queasy. Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?

Buffy:
I just wanted a little time alone.

Spike:
Oh, uh... Right then. [goes to leave]

Buffy:
It's okay, I can be alone with you here.

Spike:
Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.

Buffy:
[looking down] I was happy.

[Spike stares at her, confused and shocked]

Buffy:
Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn't mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. [near tears] I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ... knowing what I've lost... [pause] They can never know. Never.

Buffy:
OK, so you're telling me I'm broke?

Willow:
Not yet, but-

Tara:
Money's definitely becoming an issue.

Xander:
As in you're being almost out of it.

Buffy:
But I haven't spent any money! I was all... dead and frugal.

Dawn:
So what do we do?

Buffy:
Easy, we burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty. [The Scoobies look at Buffy in horror] You guys, I'm kidding. OK, it's bills, it's money, it's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world... which is too bad, you know, 'cause that, I'm really good at.

Dawn:
Oh, come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. Do you really think I'm not mature enough?

Tara:
I think you're very mature for your age ... but you're still only fifteen.

Dawn:
Right. Fifteen, as in teenager. You know, if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street.

Tara:
[sighs and hands Dawn a book] Knock yourself out.

Dawn:
Thank you. See? No biggie. I can totally handle it.

[Dawn opens the book to the first page]

Dawn:
That's a weird place for a horn... [stares at the page, then closes the book, shaken] That's not a horn.

...

Buffy:
[seeing Dawn doing research] You do research now? Would you like a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with that?

Giles:
It's, uh, you're...

Buffy:
A miracle.

Giles:
Yes. But then, I always thought so.

M'Fashnik:
Which one of you is the leader?

Warren, Jonathan, Andrew:
I am.

M'Fashnik:
I will kill the leader.

Warren, Jonathan, Andrew:
[pointing at one another] He is.

M'Fashnik:
I will kill you all.

Jonathan:
Wait! Uh, no fair. It's not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we'd pay you, and we're gonna.

Warren:
[dropping to his knees] Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all.

Andrew:
[also kneeling] Uh, yeah. Long live our noble lord and master.

Jonathan:
You guys suck.

M'Fashnik:
[grabs Jonathan by the throat] You can't pay me with paper, tiny king. You pitted me against the Slayer. For that, I must kill you.

[Warren and Andrew snicker at each other]

M'Fashnik:
Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death.

[Warren and Andrew are suddenly alarmed]

Giles:
Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious.

...

Buffy:
Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here.

[Buffy leaves]

Dawn:
I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So, you think we'll starve?

Giles:
I very much doubt it.

Dawn:
No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly ventilated sweatshop?

Giles:
Poorly ventilated... what have you been reading?

Tara:
I don't know about everybody else, but I would love some chicken.

Giles:
Yes, as would I!

Dawn:
I'll take a drumstick.

Willow:
I'm a breast girl myself. [Glances at Tara] But, then again, you knew that.

Warren:
What the hell is that?

Andrew:
Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?

Jonathan:
Uh, thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts.

Andrew:
For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised design from Return of the Jedi.

Jonathan:
That's a flawed design!

Giles:
Buffy, a word in your ear. If you think of the store as a library, it'll help you concentrate on your service rather than selling.

Buffy:
Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.

Giles:
[Cleaning his glasses and not really listening] Yes, quite, yes.

Andrew:
[awed] The Slayer touched you.

Jonathan:
Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.

Buffy:
I don't really know how to say this, but it's a little like having Mom back.

Giles:
In this scenario I am your mother?

Buffy:
Wanna be my shiftless absentee father?

Giles:
Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?

Buffy:
I'm just saying, thank you. So much.

Dawn:
So what are you supposed to be?

Anya:
An angel.

Dawn:
Oh, shouldn't you have wings?

Anya:
Um, no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.

Buffy:
What happened to Xander?

Giles:
He kept poking me with his hook. I sent him over to Charmed Objects. With any luck, he'll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a fifty-foot Giles that squishes annoying teeny pirates.

[Xander has announced his engagement to Anya; the two are kissing with uncomfortable intensity.]

Buffy:
[softly] Did you know about this?

Giles:
No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.

[Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them on his shirt]

Buffy:
[shocked] Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you won't have to see what we're doing?

Giles:
Tell no one.

Dawn:
[after her first kiss] Shiver me timbers.

...

Justin:
That was your first kiss.

Dawn:
I've been kissed before. I kiss all the time, not that I'm a kiss slut. Just with the lips and the pressing together and stuff. Hey, expert here! OK, OK, that was my first kiss.

Buffy:
Were you parking? With a vamp?

Dawn:
I didn't know he was dead.

Justin:
Living dead.

Dawn:
Shut up.

Buffy:
How did you not know?

Dawn:
I just met him.

Buffy:
Oh, so you were parking with a boy you just met?

Justin:
We've seen each other at parties.

Buffy:
Shut up.

Dawn:
Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?

Buffy:
That was different.

Dawn:
It always is when it's you.

Vampire:
Uh, excuse me! Can we fight now?

Buffy:
Didn't anyone come here just to make out? [one couple raises their hands] Oh, that's sweet. [points at couple] You run, [points at another vampire] you scream.

[From "Rest In Peace"]

Spike:
I died so many years ago. But you can make me feel, Like it isn't so. Why you come to be with me, I think I finally know. You're scared, ashamed of what you feel. You can't tell the ones you love, You know they couldn't deal. Whisper in the deadman's ear, It doesn't make it real. That's great, But I don't wanna play. Being with you touches me, More than I can say. But since I'm only dead to you, I'm saying "stay away" And let me rest in peace.

Buffy:
So, uh, no research? Nothing going on? Monsters or whatnot? Good! Good. Uh, so, did anybody...uh...last night, you know, did anybody, um...burst into song?

Xander:
Merciful Zeus!

Willow:
We thought it was just us!

Giles:
Well, I sang, but I had my guitar at the hotel...

Tara:
It was bizarre. We were talking, and then it was like -

Buffy:
...Like you were in a musical.

Tara:
Yeah!

Giles:
...That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps...

Willow:
We did a whole duet about dish washing.

Tara:
And we were arguing and, and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and a dance with coconuts.

Anya:
She came from the grave much graver.

Spike:
First he'll kill her, then I'll save her.

Tara:
Everything is turning out so dark.

Buffy:
Going through the motions...

Spike:
No, I'll save her, then I'll kill her.

Willow:
I think this line's mostly filler...

Giles:
What's it gonna take to strike a spark?

Buffy:
These endless days are finally ending in a blaze

All:
And we are caught in the fire The point of no return. So we will walk through the fire, And let it Burn.

[From "Something To Sing About"]

Buffy:
Life's a song you don't get to rehearse And every single verse Can make it that much worse Still my friends don't know why I ignore The million things or more I should be dancing for. All the joys life sends Family and friends All the twists and bends Knowing that it ends Well that depends On if they let you go On if they know enough to know That when you've bowed You leave the crowd There was no pain; No fear, no doubt 'Til they pulled me out of Heaven So that's my refrain I live in Hell 'Cause I was expelled from Heaven. I think I was in Heaven.

["Something to Sing About"]

Spike:
Life's not a song; Life isn't bliss. Life is just this. It's living You'll get along The pain that you feel You only can heal By living You have to go on living So one of us is living.

Dawn:
The hardest thing in this world...is to live in it.

Tara:
Do you think I'm stupid? I know you used that spell on me.

Willow:
Tara, I'm sorry, I-

Tara:
Don't! Just... don't. [shakes head.] There's nothing you can say.

Willow:
Tara, I didn't mean to-

Tara:
To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Willow? How could you after what Glory did to me?

Willow:
Violate you? I... I-I didn't ... mean anything like that, I-I, I just wanted us not to fight any more. I love you.

Tara:
If you don't wanna fight, you don't fight. You don't use magic to make a fight disappear.

Willow:
But I-I just wanted to make things better. Better for us.

Tara:
But you don't get to decide what is better for us, Will. We're in a relationship, we are supposed to decide together.

Willow:
Okay. I'm ... I realize I, I did it wrong.

Tara:
You did it the way you're doing everything. When things get rough, you... you don't even consider the options. You just ... you just do a spell. It's not good for you, Willow. And it's not what magic is for.

Willow:
[apprehensive.] But I... I just wanna help people.

Tara:
Maybe that's how it started, but ... you're helping yourself now, fixing things to your liking. Including me.

Willow:
Tara, no!

[Tara looks away.]

Tara:
I don't think this is gonna work.

Willow:
Hey. It is, i-it's working. [Tara just looks at her, then looks down.] Tara, please. I need you, baby. I need you. I don't need magic, I-I don't, I ... let me prove it to you, okay? I, I will go a month without doing any magic. I won't do a single spell. I swear.

[Tara looks back at her.]

Tara:
Go a week.

Giles:
Magic! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. Except I seem to be British, don't I? Uh, and a man. With... glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably.

...

Giles:
We'll get our memory back, it'll all be right as rain.

Spike:
Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that Nancy-boy accent. You English men are always so... bloody hell! [counting them on his fingers.] Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh god... I'm English.

Giles:
Welcome to the Nancy tribe.

Spike:
You don't suppose you and I...we're not related, are we?

Anya:
There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.

Giles:
[gives her a flattered smile, then turns back to Spike] Yes, and you do inspire a particular feeling of familiarity and ... disappointment. Older brother?

Spike:
Father. Oh God, how I must hate you!

Giles:
What did I do!?

Dawn:
You want me to name you?

Buffy:
Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me... "Joan".

Dawn:
Ugh.

Buffy/Joan:
What? Did you just "ugh" my name?

Dawn:
No, I just... I mean, Joan, it's so blah.

Buffy/Joan:
I like it. I feel like a "Joan".

Dawn:
Fine, that's your purgative.

Buffy/Joan:
"Prerogative".

Dawn:
Whatever, Joan.

Buffy/Joan:
Whatever, Umad.

Buffy/Joan/Dawn:
[unison.] Boy, you're a pain in the... / Boy, you're bossy!

Dawn:
Do you think we're-

Buffy:
Sisters?

[They smile and hug each other.]

Spike:
[watching them hug] [to Giles] You never showed me affection like that... [Giles looks at him, bewildered] I'd wager.

Giles:
I'm, uh, called Rupert Giles.

Anya:
[smiling fondly] Rupert.

Spike:
[giggles] Rupert!

Giles:
You're not too old to put across my knee, you know ... sonny. Anyway, what did I call you?

Spike:
Um...

[Spike examines his clothing, finds a label on the inside of his suit jacket.]

Spike:
"Made with care for Randy." [looks at Giles angrily] Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!

Giles:
Randy's ... a family name, undoubtedly.

[Buffy/Joan discovers that Randy/Spike is a Vampire]

Buffy/Joan:
I kill your kind.

Spike/Randy:
And I bite yours. So why don't I want to bite you?

...

Spike/Randy:
I must be a vampire with a soul. I'm a good guy on a mission of redemption. I help the helpless!

Buffy/Joan:
A vampire with a soul? Oh, my God! How lame is that?

[Buffy/Joan stakes her first vampire.]

Tara:
What did you just do?

Buffy/Joan:
I-I don't know. But it was cool. I think I know why Joan's the boss! I'm like a... superhero or something!

Willow:
How you doin, Dawn?

Dawn:
Uh, I'm okay. It's scary...but weirdly kind of familiar.

Willow:
[frowns] I know what you mean.

Dawn:
How are you?

Willow:
A little confused. I mean, I'm ... all sweaty ... and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire...And I think I'm kinda gay.

Warren:
Okay, we'll scratch your back, you scratch...

Spike:
I'm not going to scratch your anything. You do what I tell you.

Spike:
[to Warren] Translate this for me, Spock. I don't speak loser.

Willow:
I know, Xander engaged, I couldn't believe it either.

Amy:
That's so weird... so what's she like?

Willow:
Thousand year old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia.

Amy:
That's so his type.

[after Willow has transformed Amy from rat back to human]

Amy:
Everything feels weird. I mean, it's like ... I felt like I was in that cage for weeks! [Willow looks nervous] But it can still be OK ... right? I-I can still get into the swing of things, like ... prom's coming up. I-I'm so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at... [sees Willow's expression] Oh. Oh, God. [sighs, anxiously] He hasn't asked someone else, has he?

Willow:
Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. [Amy stares] Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.

Amy:
How long was I in the cage? [Willow is afraid to answer] How long?!

Buffy:
Hey... how've you been?

Amy:
Rat. You?

Buffy:
Dead.

Amy:
Oh.

Willow:
Hey.

Tara:
Hey. I just... B-Buffy didn't come home last night... either, so...

Willow:
Uh, hey, uh, this is Amy. Amy, Tara. Tara, Amy.

Amy:
How you doin'?

Tara:
Fine, I-I'd b-better g-get going. [Tara turns to go]

Willow:
Amy! Amy the rat? Sorry.

Amy:
No, that's fair. I was a rat.

Xander:
Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.

Anya:
Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.

Xander:
Please, she-Really?

Anya:
Of course. Nobody could do that much découpage without calling on the powers of darkness.

Willow:
So, uh, the burger was good, you liked it?

Dawn:
Are you kidding, it was like a meat party in my mouth! ...Okay, now I'm just a kid and even I know that came out wrong.

Buffy:
Will you quit that? The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. That's the power of your charms. Last night... was the most perverse... degrading experience of my life.

Spike:
Yeah. Me too.

Buffy:
That might get you off, but it's not my style.

Spike:
No. It's your calling.

Willow:
It was. But I mean, if you could be, you know, plain old Willow or super Willow, who would you be? I guess you don't actually have an option on the whole super thing.

Buffy:
Will, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need magic to be special.

Willow:
Don't I? I mean, Buffy, who was I? Just... some girl. Tara didn't even know that girl.

Buffy:
You are more than some girl. And Tara wants you to stop. She loves you.

Willow:
We don't know that.

Buffy:
I know that. I promise you.

Willow:
I just... it took me away from myself, I was... free.

Buffy:
I get that. More than you- But it's wrong. People get hurt.

Dawn:
Candles! We can't have candles?

Buffy:
Dawn, it's magic clearance, everything must go.

Dawn:
But they're just candles.

Buffy:
Yeah, well, to you and me they're just candles, but to witches they're like... bongs.

Anya:
Like pudding, am I right? Rice or tapioca, lumpy like that.

Xander:
We have to find Buffy, she's gotta know.

Anya:
I don't think Buffy's going to be too broken up over a pylon.

Xander:
Anya, whatever's happening to the pylon will probably happen to her. If we don't find Buffy, I mean, if we don't figure out how this was done...

Anya:
She's pudding.

Spike:
You should go.

Buffy:
I thought we were having fun.

Spike:
Yeah, now. But eventually your friends are going to figure out a way to bring you back to living color. Get dressed if you can find your clothes and push off, 'cause if I can't have all of you...[looks down]...hey, that's cheating.

Buffy:
So you three have, what? Banded together to be pains in my ass?

Warren:
We're your arch-nemesises...ses. You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time... um... uh, next time...

Jonathan:
Maybe not!

...

[The girls see the boys struggling with the arcade's back door.]

Buffy:
I give you my arch-nemesis...ses...ses.

Xander:
[as Xander walks in on Spike and invisible Buffy] Spike? What are you doing?

Spike:
What am I-... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I? [starts doing "push-ups"]

Xander:
Exercising? Naked? In bed?

Spike:
A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. You gotta be fit for killin'...

Xander:
Ya-huh.

[Buffy attempts to find out the secret ingredient of Doublemeat burgers.]

Buffy:
Sorry, I was just curious.

Manny the Manager:
Curiosity killed the cat.

Buffy:
[whispers] Theory number 5: cat burgers.

Anya:
Xander, he-he's very kind, and brave, and he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and... he loves me. Sometimes it isn't easy, but he does.

Halfrek:
Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?

Anya:
Well... you know, sometimes I'll do something or say something, and then he has to say stuff like, "It is incorrect for you to appreciate money so much," or-or, "Observe: here is how a real human would behave."

Halfrek:
Oh, so he corrects you?

Buffy:
We need to get that burger analyzed. We need to find out if it used to be people.

Xander:
[with mouth full] What? People?

Buffy:
Xander! You ate the burger?

Xander:
Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, "Oh, by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh"?

Buffy:
I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.

Xander:
That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?

[Recovering magic addict Willow is testing the burger with multicolored liquids.]

Xander:
Good job, Will! Those aren't, like, potions, are they?

Willow:
No. No potions. It's not magic, it's... chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is.

Spike:
[sighs] Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead.

Buffy:
You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.

Spike:
Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.

Buffy:
I've been thinking about doing something in my room. I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.

Spike:
Do you even like me?

Buffy:
[softly] Sometimes.

Spike:
But you like what I do to you.

[Spike holds up a pair of handcuffs.]

Spike:
Do you trust me?

Buffy:
Never.

Warren:
So how did you get so beautiful?

Katrina:
Okay, does that line usually work?

[Katrina realizes it is her ex-boyfriend Warren]

Katrina:
What the hell are you doing here?

Warren:
It's nice seeing you again too, Katrina.

Katrina:
Yeah, it's the "seeing you" part that's throwing me here, Warren, because I thought I was pretty clear with the "never wanting that to happen again."

Warren:
That was a long time, baby.

Katrina:
Apparently not long enough.

Warren:
Oh, you're not still sore about that thing, are you?

Katrina:
What thing would that be, exactly? The "wind-up-slut" you tinkered together? Or when Miss "Nuts-'n-Bolts" tried to choke me to death?

Warren:
Okay, so, I've made a few mistakes...

Katrina:
No, no, I did - for ever lowering myself to be with a jerk like you.

[Katrina gets up but Warren grabs her]

Warren:
No, don't say that.

Katrina:
Well, what did you expect? Just... waltz there and sweep me off my feet with your cheesy lines and fancy suit?

Warren:
No! I-I just... thought we could talk... maybe work things out.

Katrina:
There is nothing to work out. What you did was sick, and just looking at you makes me want to vomit!

Warren:
Are you sure about that?

[Warren puts his red sunglasses on, and goes for his pocket]

Katrina:
Yes, God yes I'm sure...!

[Warren flashes the mind-controlling device in front of her; Katrina stares at it, and then at Warren, blankly]

Katrina:
I love you, Master.

Buffy:
[She is beating Spike up.] I am not your girl! You don't...have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never be your girl!

Willow:
These things just made you think you killed her.

Xander:
She was probably dead long before you stumbled across her.

Buffy:
It wasn't the demons. It was Warren. He knew Katrina. He had something to do with it, I know it.

Willow:
How can you be sure?

Buffy:
You always hurt the one you love.

[Spike's attempt to get intimate with Buffy is interrupted by Tara's arrival.]

Spike:
I had a... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.

Tara:
A muscle cramp? In your... pants?

Spike:
What? It's a thing.

Tara:
So Spike! How's that muscle cramp?

Spike:
What? Oh... uh... yeah. Better.

Tara:
[smirking] Maybe you, uh, wanna put some ice on it.

Spike:
What, poor dainty Richard can't take a joke?

Buffy:
We do not joke about eating people in this house!

Richard:
Ah, you have some weird friends.

Xander:
News from the file marked "Duh".

Anya:
It's dangerous, and so is all of us dying.

Xander:
Will, look I don't wanna gang up on you, but Anya kinda has a point. We brought you back from it once, we're all here. It's one little spell. Whatever happens we can bring you back again.

Willow:
No, I can't. If I start I.. I might not be able to stop.

Anya:
And whose fault is that?? You know if you hadn't gotten so much of this in your system in the first place--

Tara:
Hey! You're gonna back off. She said no and that's it. You're not gonna make her do something that she doesn't want to. And if you try, you have to go through me first. Understood?

Willow:
You know, when I was little I used to spend hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like. And now I look at them and just think... he-he-he!

Xander:
Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place?

Anya:
Well, I can only do so much, Xander. Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.

Xander:
Without the laughs.

[Buffy's former flame Riley has returned to Sunnydale with a wife.]

Willow:
Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.

Buffy:
Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty.

Willow:
Well, that's the beauty. You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.

Buffy:
Go nuts.

Buffy:
Tell me you love me.

Spike:
I love you... you know I do.

Buffy:
Tell me you want me.

Spike:
[huskily] I always want you.

Riley:
You want me to say I like seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that burger smell is appealing?

Buffy:
You smelled the smell?

Riley:
Buffy, none of that means anything, it doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved and the strongest woman I've ever known. And, I'm not advertising this to the missus, but you're still quite the hottie.

Buffy:
You know, it goes away after many bathings.

Anya:
[practicing her wedding vows] I, Anya, promise to... love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?

D'Hoffryn:
Oh. Hymen's greetings.

Dawn:
Hi-what?

D'Hoffryn:
Hymen. The god of matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline.

Dawn:
Cool.

Spike:
It's nice to watch you be happy, for them, even, I don't see it a lot, you, uh... you glow.

Buffy:
That's because the dress is radioactive.

Anya:
I, Anya, promise to cherish you. Yeah, no, not cherish. Um, I promise to have sex with you whenever I want, and uh, uh, pledge to be your friend, your wife, and your confidante, and your sex poodle-

Tara:
Uh, "sex poodle"?

[As Xander wanders the streets in the rain, Anya recites a final version]

Anya:
I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because... I love you, and I'll always love you. And, before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. N-not even a person, really. And I'd seen what love could do to people, and it was... hurt, and sadness. A-alone was better. And then, suddenly, there was you! And-and you knew me. You saw me. And it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm, so, I... get it now. I finally get love, Xander! I really do.

[Buffy is an inpatient in a psychiatric ward in an "alternate reality" LA. Hank and Joyce Summers, still married, are sitting with Buffy as they consult with her psychiatrist.]

Buffy:
[sobbing] Dawn...

Joyce:
Dawn?

Doctor:
The sister. She was introduced last year. It didn't make a lot of sense though, did it Buffy? She altered the fabric of her reality drastically. (meta-commenting on how the abrupt introduction of Dawn altered the entire series)

Doctor:
In her mind, she's the central figure in a fantastic world beyond imagination. She's surrounded herself with friends, most with their own superpowers. Together they face grand, overblown conflicts against an assortment of monsters, both imaginary and rooted in actual myth.

Doctor:
Buffy, you used to create these grand villains to battle against. And now what is it? Just ordinary students you went to high school with. No gods or monsters, just three pathetic little men... who like playing with toys.

Buffy:
'Cause what's more real? A sick girl in an institution, or some kind of supergirl, chosen to fight demons and save the world? That's ridiculous. A girl who sleeps with the vampire she hates?!? Yeah, that makes sense.

[Spike and Xander have found the demon that poisoned Buffy.]

Spike:
Oh, balls! You didn't say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik!

Xander:
'Cause I can't say Glarba...

Buffy:
Then I was like... No, it wasn't like, I was in an institution. There were, um, doctors, and nurses and other patients, they told me that I was sick... I guess crazy. And that, um, Sunnydale and all of this, none of it was real.

Xander:
Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! What, you think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy?

Anya:
I wish you had tentacles where your beady eyes should be! I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy gut!

Xander:
They are.

Anya:
Really? [brightening] Right now? Does it hurt?

Xander:
God, yes. It hurts so bad it's killing me. Anya, I love you. I want to make this work.

Anya:
Those are... metaphor intestines! You're not in any real pain!

Anya:
You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let's talk about Xander.

Tara:
Well, it's-it's really not so much about hating the men.

Willow:
We're more centered around the girl-on-girl action.

Anya:
And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they? Men like Xander!

...

Anya:
[frustrated that Willow and Tara won't wish ill on Xander] What kind of lesbians are you? If you love men so much, go love men!

Buffy:
I don't think he could feel any worse.

Anya:
Let's test that theory.

Buffy:
Anya, Xander's my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and if it happened to me, I'd-

Anya:
Wish his penis would explode?

Tara:
Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard.

Willow:
Tara?

Tara:
You can't ever... put 'em back the way they were...

Willow:
Are you okay?

Tara:
I'm sorry, it's just... [sigh] you know it takes time. You can't just... have coffee and expect-

Willow:
I know.

Tara:
There's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides... You have to learn if... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives. It's a long... important process, and... can we just skip it? Can... can you just be kissing me now?

Buffy:
You tell them if you want. Go ahead. Rock the boat. Rock and roll it the hell over. My friends and I'll still be groovin' with the movin'. [She stakes the first vamp] Know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week and guess how much they hate me now? Zero. Zero much. So I'm thinking, sleeping with you... They'll deal.

Spike:
In that case why won't you sleep with me again?

[The second vamp looks at Spike with a confused expression on his face. Buffy stakes him]

Buffy:
[walking away] Because I don't love you

Spike:
[To himself] Like hell.

Willow:
Mmm, I forgot how good this could feel. Us. Together. Without the magic.

Tara:
There was plenty of magic.

Crying woman:
He said he loved me.

Anya:
Oh, gee, then he must have meant it, 'cause hey, guys never say anything they don't really mean, do they?

Crying woman:
But we-

Anya:
They say, "I love you," and, and you think it's true. They say, "Oh, Anya, I want to be with you for the rest of my life," and, and you believe them, you believe they feel the same way about you, because that's the way love's supposed to be, right?

Crying woman:
Who's Anya?

Anya:
And then you get all excited with the tingly anticipation, but wait! Not so fast! There's the apocalypse, a-and the back from the grave, and the blah blah blah blah blah, and by the time you're finally standing there in that beautiful expensive white dress you've dreamed about ever since you became human, he's gets all heebie-jeebie and decides, "you know, I'd rather just go steady."

Buffy:
Xander, what I do with my personal life is none of your business.

Xander:
[softly] It used to be.

Buffy:
It just happened, okay?

Xander:
Oh, like, uh, "Say, you're evil. Get on me"?

Buffy:
You fought side by side with him when I was gone. You let him take care of Dawn.

Xander:
But I never forgot what he really is. God, what were you thinking?

Jonathan:
We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date? He's going to end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about-

Andrew:
Warren's the boss. He's Picard, you're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.

...

Warren:
Don't worry babies, daddy gonna give you some too.

Xander:
See, now I think it's the daddy thing that's throwing her, 'cause incest, not that sexy.

Warren:
You think you could just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with that? [laughs some seconds] Think again. [Points a gun at Buffy and shoot five times, three of them while he runs away]

Tara:
[Has been shot in her chest from behind, looking confused at Willow] Your shirt...

Xander:
Anya was saying she knows where Willow is.

Buffy:
A spell?

Xander:
Not exactly. Seems Anya got her vengeance on again.

Andrew:
Think they'll let my aunt bring me my Discman?

Jonathan:
That's what you worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail!

Andrew:
We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet.

Jonathan:
Thank you, Dragnet. It doesn't matter what they call it, they got us, okay? We're going down. [lowers his voice] That guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.

Cave Demon:
You seek me, vampire?

Spike:
[observing the cave walls] You do the finger paintings? Nice work.

Cave Demon:
Answer me.

Spike:
Yeah... I seek you.

Cave Demon:
Something about a woman. The Slayer.

Spike:
[angrily] Thinks she's better than me. Ever since I got this bleeding chip in my head, I haven't been right. Everything's gone to hell.

Cave Demon:
And you want to return to your former self.

Spike:
Yeah. [the demon laughs darkly] What?

Cave Demon:
Look what she's reduced you to.

Spike:
It's this bloody chip, not--

Cave Demon:
You were a legendary dark warrior, and you let yourself be castrated! Now you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?

Spike:
I'm still a warrior--

Cave Demon:
You're a pathetic excuse for a demon!

Spike:
Yeah? I'll show you who's pathetic. Give me your best shot, Lurky.

Cave Demon:
You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request.

Spike:
Do your worst. But when I win, I want what I came here for. Bitch is gonna see a change...

Warren:
It was an accident, you know.

Dark Willow:
Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend you killed my girlfriend.

Warren:
It wasn't personal, that's all.

Dark Willow:
Well this is.

Dark Willow:
Wanna know what a bullet feels like, Warren? A real one? It's not like in the comics.

Warren:
No, no-

Dark Willow:
I think you need to. Feel it.

[Willow makes the bullet slowly go into his chest to torture him.]

Warren:
Oh God... Stop it -

Dark Willow:
It's not going to make a neat little hole. First - it'll obliterate your internal organs. Your lung will collapse, feels like drowning...

Warren:
Please! No-

Dark Willow:
When it finally hits your spine, it'll blow your central nervous system-

Warren:
Stop!! God, please!

[Willow sews his mouth shut by magic.]

Dark Willow:
I'm talking. The pain will be unbearable, but you won't be able to move... A bullet usually travels faster than this, of course. But the dying? It seems like it takes forever. Something, isn't it? One tiny piece of metal destroys everything. It ripped her insides out... It took her light away. From me. From the world... And now the one person who should be here is gone - and a waste like you gets to live. A tiny piece of metal. Can you feel it now?

Dark Willow:
I said - can you feel it? [Willow unravels the stitches.]

Warren:
Please, God... I did wrong, I see that now. I need... jail! I need... But you - you don't want this. You're not a bad person. Not like me-

Buffy:
[calling out in the distance] Willow!

Warren:
When you get caught - you'll lose them too. Your friends. You don't want that. I know you're in pain but-

Dark Willow:
[Willow magically flays Warren, just as Buffy and Xander reach her.] Bored now.

Xander:
Oh my God.

Buffy:
What did you do? Willow, what did you do?

Dark Willow:
[setting Warren's body aflame] One down. [then vanishing]

Anya:
Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive, Tara is dead. Willow found out, and, being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere she decided to get the payback, with interest.

Andrew:
What about Warren?

Anya:
She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.

Andrew:
Oh my god, Warren!

Jonathon:
Oh my god, me!

Andrew:
Think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck-driving magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers! And not one of you bunch has the midi-clorians to stop her!

Xander:
[after a brief silence] You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?

Anya:
The annoying virgin has a point.

Dark Willow:
Let me tell you something about Willow. She's a loser. Always has been. She got picked on through junior high, high school, right up until college. With her stupid mousy ways. And now? [laughs bitterly] Willow's a junkie. The only thing Willow was ever good for...the only thing I ever had going for me were those moments...just moments...where Tara would look at me and I was wonderful. And that will never happen again.

...

Dark Willow:
[to Buffy] Please! This is your pitch? You hate it here as much as I do! I'm just more honest about it. You're trying to sell me on the world? The one where you lie to your friends when you're not trying to kill them? Where you screw a vampire just to feel and insane asylums are the comfy alternative? This world? Buffy, it's me! I know you were happier when you were in the ground. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole life was when you were dead. Until Willow brought you back. You know, with magic?

Dark Willow:
Oh Buffy. You really need every square inch of your ass kicked.

Dark Willow:
The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world who has the power to stop me now.

[Dark Willow gets hit by a powerful spell]

Giles:
I'd like to test that theory.

Dark Willow:
You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.

Giles:
Buffy, what's happened here?

Buffy:
God. I don't even know where to start.

Giles:
Well, Willow's clearly been abusing the magicks.

Buffy:
She has. She was ... and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything's just been so... [sighs.] Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again... [Giles looks shocked.] Dawn's a total klepto ... money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace ... [looks down at the floor.] And I've been sleeping with Spike.

[Giles stares at her... then starts laughing. He covers his mouth with his hand but can't stop. Buffy stares at him.]

Giles:
[trying to calm down.] Sorry.

[He bursts out laughing again. Buffy rolls her eyes, now just looks amused. Giles keeps laughing and slowly Buffy starts to laugh too.]

...

Giles:
Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is... ask for help when you need it.

Buffy:
Now you tell me.

Xander:
Hey, black-eyed girl… Whatcha doin'?

Dark Willow:
Get out of here.

Xander:
Oh no… You're not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped up uber-witch, but this carpenter can dry-wall you into the next century.

Willow:
I'm not joking, Xander. Get out of my way. Now. You can't stop this.

Xander:
Yeah, I get that. It's just where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end… where else would I want to be?

Willow:
Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me ya love me?

Xander:
Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but, eh, it seemed kinda cartoony.

Willow:
Still making jokes.

Xander:
I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. And I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid and hey, still wanna hang. You're Willow.

Willow:
Don't call me that!

Xander:
First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love ... scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I've earned that.

Willow:
You think I won't?

Xander:
It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.

Willow:
Shut up!

Xander:
I love you. I… lov-

Willow:
Shut up!

Xander:
I love you, Willow.

Willow:
Stop…

Xander:
I love you.

Willow:
Stop!

Xander:
I love you.

Dawn:
I'm sorry to disappoint...wait, is that happy crying?

Buffy:
Yes, dummy. You think I wanted the world to end?

Dawn:
I don't know. Didn't you?

...

Buffy:
I don't want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you.

[A bloodied and exhausted Spike lies on the ground in the cave]

Cave Demon:
You have completed the required challenges.

Spike:
Bloody right I have. Now give me what I came for. Make me what I was so Buffy can get what she deserves.

Cave Demon:
Very well. [places his hand on Spike's chest] We will return...your soul.

[A light flashes on Spike's chest as he screams in pain]