Codename: Kids Next Door, Season 1

Numbuh 1:
Knock it off! Why are we in the kiddy pool?

Numbuh 3:
Because the water is nice and warm?

[Everyone in the pool looks down at the water]

Numbuh 2:
This is your captain, Numbuh 2, speaking. At this time we would like to request that you hang on to your underwear! Wa ha ha ha ha hoo! Wahoo! [presses a button on the control panel, which envelopes the Sector V in pods. The pods are then deployed]

Numbuh 1:
Hand over the cake... and we'll be on our way.

Delightful Children:
Wouldn't you prefer to open the gifts after our little game is finished?

Laura:
But I want to open them... [starts to transform into an enormous behemoth] NOW!

Delightful Children:
Fine, fine, fine, we'll open the gifts. Just stay calm... [They read the label on the present] "Kids Next Door, battle stations"?

Numbuh 5:
[After getting the password for the ice cream factory] That was too easy! [Numbuh 2 lands on the ice cream factory] That was still too easy! [After falling into the trap set by the Delightful Children] I told you it was too easy! [Riding the wave of ice cream out of the trapped ice-cream factory] I like it when things are too easy!

Numbuh 4:
Hey, Numbuh 1! You might want to check this out!

Numbuh 1:
A roadblock! Quick, tell Numbuh 4 to turn the truck around!

Numbuh 4:
I am Numbuh 4!

Numbuh 1:
Then who's driving the-

[Multiple screams, truck crashes]

[Numbuh 4 stands against the Ice Cream Monster.]

Numbuh 4:
Hey, frosty! Come get a lickin'.

[The Ice Cream Monster picks up Numbuh 4, dips in a tank of chocolate fudge, and puts him back down.]

Numbuh 4:
[As the fudge he is covered in is hardening] You think chocolate can stop me? [The fudge he is covered in finally hardens. He talks while hardened] I hate you!

Numbuh 4:
Where are our super powered anti-adult air attack missiles?

Numbuh 3:
[At a tea party, with two missiles dressed up, holding a cup of uranium] Ahem. More uranium, Mrs. Missile?

[Numbuhs 2, 3, and 5 walk up the stairs to the kitchen where Numbuh 4 is.]

Numbuh 3:
[Tired] My head hurts.

Numbuh 5:
[Tired] Numbuh 5 is wiped out.

Numbuh 4:
Finally, there you are. Okay, you wasted the whole night sleeping. We can't change that. But we can make up time if we focus on our clam cannon.

[As Numbuh 3 opens the fridge door to take out a milk carton, Numbuhs 2 and 5 are sitting at the table.]

Numbuh 2:
[Tired] Whatever. [Picks up the cereal box] I'm gonna focus on my cereal.

[Numbuh 2 starts to pour out cereal into a bowl, but a hammer and lots of nails fall out of the box and smash the bowl, startling him. Numbuh 3 starts to pour out milk into a glass cup, but lots of clams fall out of the carton and into the cup, startling her.]

Numbuh 3:
But I want breakfast!

Numbuh 4:
[Slams his fist onto the table] No breakfast! As permanent temporary intern leader, I, Numbuh Four command you to begin construction on– my– CANNON!

[Numbuhs 2, 3, and 5 groan.]

[As Numbuhs 2, 3, and 5 build the cannon, Numbuh 4 paces back and forth talking.]

Numbuh 4:
No more breaks! If you wanna build a clam cannon, you can't take breaks. And you can't have cake! Can you build a clam cannon while eating cake on your break? Ha! It can't be done! I'd love to see those Delightful Children try and take our cake! They want cake? We'll give 'em clams! LOTS OF CLAMS! [Stops walking] The fact is- [Pulls out sunglasses] you guys need a leader. [Opens one handle] A REAL leader. [Opens the other handle] A leader- [Puts on the sunglasses] like- me.

[The Sector V treehouse is under attack by the Parent-Teacher Organization Of Eradicating Youngsters]

Numbuh 1:
Code Red! The treehouse is under attack! Kids Next Door, battle stations!

Numbuh 4:
[armed with a S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R. connected to an electrical outlet] I'll take care of those study-happy sickos!

Mad Dad:
[appearing through a window] Mad Dad mad! You get bad report card, AGAIN! [launches himself at Numbuh 4]

Numbuh 4:
[quickly knocks him out with his S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R.] And that ain't my report card, ya nut!

Numbuh 3:
Plug me in, Numbuh 5!

Numbuh 5:
Power is on.

Terrible Tutor:
You cannot defeat the Terrible Tutor! [shoots textbooks from his sleeves; Numbuh 3 shoots teddy bears with her T.H.U.M.P.E.R. and knocks him down]

Numbuh 3:
Numbuh 2, the Heli-Teacher's all yours!

[Numbuh 2 gives a thumbs-up and fires a bone with his Rubber Band Food Flinger, but it hits the edge of her heli-chair, causing no effect]

Heli-Teacher:
[cackling] Your aim is as bad as your schoolwork!

[Numbuh 5 fires the rotor of her heli-chair with her S.C.A.M.P.P.]

Midwestern Mom:
[jumps through a huge hole in the treehouse wall] Naughty children make Midwestern Mom ANGRY!

Numbuh 2:
[victoriously] Yeah, we kicked butt!

Numbuh 1:
Numbuh 2! [points to the weapon] What is this?

Numbuh 2:
[sheepishly] Um… A Rubber Band Food Flinger?

Numbuh 1:
A rubber band food flinger?! Are you kidding me?! Our super amazing treehouse, supreme center of our 2x4 Technology, is home to an inexhaustible power supply. And all you can think to make is a big rubber band?!

Delightful Children:
Thank you for coming Mr. Toilenator, but you're not the type of villain we're looking for.

Toilenator:
Wait, I can do other stuff! [gets ejected out of the mansion; screaming]

Delightful Children:
Next.

Numbuh 5:
I wonder what hamsters do on vacation.

[Scene shows all the hamsters having fun at the beach]

Numbuh 5:
Oh, relax. What's the worse that could happen?

Numbuh 1:
[seething] What could happen? [Gramma Stuffum crashes through the wall behind him; points out to her] THAT could happen!

Numbuh 4:
Bring it on, granny! A little snack won't stop us!

Numbuh 1:
Kids Next Door, attack!

[Numbuh 3's teeth are shiny clean]

Numbuh 4:
If that stupid dentist tries to fix my teeth, I'll give him a whoomph, and then I'll give him a ker-pow, and a thwack, and a gnaw! And if he brings out the floss, Then I'll give him the old whumpah-thumpah and then a - aah! [Numbuh 4 is taken by Knightbrace]

Numbuh 5:
[not noticing that Numbuh 4 has been taken] Fi-nally! Numbuh 4 shuts up!

Knightbrace:
[In a dentists chair that has multiple flailing objects and weapons] Maybe four out of five dentists can't stop you Kids Next Door... but I'm the 5th!

[Numbuh 1 was pretending to deliver pizza to Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb. Lasso Lass and her horse was tied upside-down to a tree.]

Mr. Fibb:
Bring it here. And there better not be any onions on it.

Numbuh 1:
Let me check. Whoops! There are onions on it. I guess I'll have to call this one in. [Winks at Lasso Lass and she smiles and winks back] Kids Next Door! Battle Stations!

[Numbuh 2,3,4, and 5 come out from behind Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb's house in a giant rodeo horse.]

Numbuh 5:
[getting water from the water dispenser and turnips show up inside] Numbuh 5 hates turnips.

Numbuh 4:
Oh, great!

Numbuh 2:
Now what do we do?

Numbuh 1:
We've got to track these turnips to the source.

Numbuh 3:
The source? What source?

Numbuh 1:
This looks like a job for the Kids Next Door P.I.P.E.P.O.D.

2x4 Tech Computer:
Kids Next Door, P.I.P.E.P.O.D.: Pipe-Interior-Penetrating-Electric-Powered-Oscillating-Drill.

Numbuh 3:
[using the roots as a swing] Look, Grandpa! I'm flying! Whee!

[H.I.P.P.I.E.-H.O.P. continues to run towards them. The farmer is oblivious and walks past Sector V to refill his watering can. The turnip holds Numbuh 2 upside down and spanks him repeatedly.]

Numbuh 2:
Ow! Cut it out!

[The farmer continues being oblivious and uses a water pump to fill up his watering can. H.I.P.P.I.E.-H.O.P. keeps running. Numbuh 1 runs towards the giant turnip and hides behind its main root, as its other roots try to attack him.]

Numbuh 4:
[getting dragged] Help!

Numbuh 3:
Whee! Horsey! Whee!

[Sector V looks to be on its last ropes, but H.I.P.P.I.E.-H.O.P. jumps and lands in front of the turnip. Its head opens.]

Numbuh 3:
H.I.P.P.I.E.-H.O.P.!

[Numbuh 3 jumps off the root and lands in H.I.P.P.I.E.-H.O.P.. The head closes, and H.I.P.P.I.E.-H.O.P. turns into a machine with many weapons.]

H.I.P.P.I.E.-H.O.P.:
Prepare for-

[A root smashes into H.I.P.P.I.E.-H.O.P. and destroys it. Numbuh 3 gets ejected and lands next to it. The parachute comes out after she's on the ground.]

Numbuh 1:
Rats! I thought for sure that would work! [Numbuh 1 kicks the main root of the turnip. It starts to creak.] Huh? [The turnip creaks and rocks back and forth.] Uh-oh...

[The turnip releases Numbuhs 2, 4, and 5, and they scream as they fall to the ground.]

Farmer:
Huh?

[The turnip breaks from its root and starts rolling, causing its other roots to break. Numbuhs 2, 4, and 5 sneak under its grooves and avoid getting rolled over.]

Farmer:
[chasing it] Wait! Come back! The county fair's next weekend! [The turnip falls off a cliff into water.] Wait for me! [The farmer jumps in after the turnip and lands on top of it.]

Numbuh 3:
Goodbye, Grandpa! He's silly!

Numbuh 4:
Man, Numbuh 2, you really socked it to Big Brother!

[after witnessing a 'massacre' over Numbuh 3's toys]

Numbuh 1:
T-that's okay, Numbuh 3. We'll get you some new toys.

Numbuh 3:
Toys? I don't want toys. [fired up] I WANT REVENGE!

Numbuh 4:
What's the big deal? Nobody got hurt.

Numbuh 3:
[grabs Numbuh 4 by his jacket; angrily] Say that again, squirt, and then we'll see if nobody's hurt!

[Numbuh 4 is walking along the corridor.]

Numbuh 4:
Ain't nothing gonna happen, 'cause I ain't afraid.

Numbuh 1:
[Puts his hand on Numbuh 4's shoulder] Hey, Numbuh-

[Startled, Numbuh 4 sprays Numbuhs 1, 2, 3, and 5 with cheese.]

Numbuh 1:
[Covered in cheese] Go cover the rear, Numbuh 4.

[Numbuh 5 is about to push the button on the control panel when Numbuh 2 runs in with the lice still eating his hair and clothes.]

Numbuh 2:
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! [Giant lice and Numbuh 5 look at Numbuh 2] You gotta say something cool first, like "Say cheese punk", or "Cheese to meet you". Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! How about this one? "Cheese-"

[Numbuh 5 pushes the button on the control panel, which makes the entire tree house overflow with cheese.]

Numbuhs 2 and 4:
Nigel's got a girlfriend!

Maitre'd:
[Approaches the table with the cheque] Pardon moi, monsieur, your cheque. [Puts down the cheque on the table]

Numbuh 1:
[Picks up the cheque and looks at it. He gets enraged] WHAT?! HOW CAN YOU CHARGE THAT MUCH FOR A LOUSY STEAK?! [Slams his head on the table and screams angrily] IT'S- IT'S- IT'S- IT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY!

[As Lizzie ducks below the table, the helmet goes haywire and explodes.]

Numbuh 1:
Owww. [Lizzie comes up from under the table] Don't ever use one of those things on me again, Lizzie.

Lizzie Devine:
What are you gonna do now?

[Numbuh 1 and Lizzie turn to look at Numbuhs 2, 3, 4 and 5, who are pinned to the walls with forks.]

Numbuh 1:
Um- wanna get some ice cream?

Lizzie Devine:
Sure.

[Numbuh 1 and Lizzie start to walk out of the restaurant.]

Lizzie Devine:
I like pistachio ice cream.

Numbuh 1:
Really? So do I.

Lizzie Devine:
You're neat, Nigel Uno.

[The Kids Next Door play as characters on a TV show. They have uniforms with capes, and they follow a script that does not show who they really are.]

Numbuh 1:
[Cheerfully] I'm Numbuh 1. [Hesitant] Let's have some fun?

Numbuh 2:
[Cheerfully] I'm Numbuh 2. [Hesitant] We've got some cool things to do?

Numbuh 3:
[Enthusiastically] I'm Numbuh 3. Will you play with me?

Numbuh 4:
[Angrily] I'm Numbuh 4, and- I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

Numbuh 1:
[Looks at the cigar in his hand] An age-changing device. [Throws the cigar out the window] What kind of nut would use such a thing?

[The cigar flies out of the window and lands on the ground outside. The Delightful Children From Down The Lane pick it up and laugh wickedly]

Numbuh 3:
Did you bring Bradley’s bottle, Numbuh 2?

Numbuh 2:
I thought you were gonna bring it.

Numbuh 3:
Oh, so now I have to do everything?

Numbuh 2:
Are you saying I don’t do my fair share?

Numbuh 3:
Oh, just drop it, will you Numbuh 2?!

[Numbuh 2 lands the C.O.O.L.B.U.S]

Numbuh 2:
Ugh, I get no respect, what with everything I do; [mocking Numbuh 3] “Do this, Numbuh 2. Get that, Bradley needs his little blanky,” [normal voice] ugh one of these days....[getting back on the C.O.O.L.B.U.S.] there is that everything?

Numbuh 3:
Well I don’t know, is it?

Numbuh 1:
CAN WE GET A MOVE ON?!

[Bradley cries]

Numbuh 3:
Now look what you did!

Numbuh 2:
Oh, nice job, Numbuh 1!

Numbuh 1:
[Angrily] Numbuh 2! Get out of that chair. I'm driving! Because you are completely useless with THAT STUPID SKUNK AROUND!

[Bradley cries]

Numbuh 3:
Take that back about Bradley being stupid. You'll hurt his feelings.

Numbuh 1:
Hello. IT’S A SKUNK! It doesn't have feelings!

Numbuh 2:
[talking very fast] Mom, me and the Kids Next Door were fighting this guy and Tommy made a machine for him. So I tried to stop him, but he captured all my friends and double-crossed Tommy, but I ran out of ammo and now he is after me! [cries afterwards]

Numbuh 274:
[attempting to contact other KND operatives] Warning! Being pursues...not followed! I Repeat...followed...

Mega Mom:
There you are! I've been looking all over for you. You know you can't hide from Mega Mom!

Numbuh 3:
So if there's a Mega Mom, then why isn't there a dad?

Numbuh 274:
[shocked] Oh...I totally forgot about him.

Destructo Dad:
[burst in Sector V's treehouse] Hi, guys! How 'bout some quality time with Destructo Dad?!

Numbuh 3:
I knew it! [gets stupefied]

Numbuh 1:
Kids Next Door, battle stations!

Destructo Dad:
You kids aren't going anywhere, because Destructo Dad says you're grounded! [stupefys Numbuh 1] "You're grounded!" I love that line! [Numbuh 274 kicks him down] Now, now, you were raised better! [grabs him by the ankle and drops him in a can] That'll learn ya.

Mega Mom:
[blasts a hole in the treehouse] Sorry I'm late, dear!

Destructo Dad:
Honey!

Mega Mom:
Oh, the traffic over here was crazy! And then… Oh, look what I've found! BRATS! [stupefys Numbuh 4]

Mega Mom:
[chasing after Numbuh 5 as she tries to escape her] Just where do you think you're going, young lady? [gasps] Oh, my!

Numbuh 5:
[aiming her S.C.A.M.P.P.s at Mega Mom] Bring it on, old lady!

Mega Mom:
Now, that's no way to… [gets blasted down multiple times and stupefys Numbuh 5, leaving only her head] Tsk, tsk, tsk. You kids today.

Numbuh 5:
Pianos? Type-P torture devices are pianos?

Numbuh 4:
You don't know what it's like! They make play the same song over and over again! ♪ Tink-ta-tink ga ga ga-ga ga ga-ga ga-ga ♪ [groans] It's… It's… It's horrible!

Numbuh 5:
Mmm, mmm, mmm. [plays some notes on a piano]

Numbuh 4:
I'm serious! My mum ordered one of these monstrosities... For me. [starts sobbing]

Numbuh 1:
He's right. These things are a menace to children everywhere. So let's get started. Numbuh 3, signal Numbuh 2 to begin Operation Lift and Shade.

Numbuh 3:
Okey-dokey!

Numbuh 1:
Okay, Kids Next Door. Simple question: what did we learn today?

Numbuh 2:
Do not deviate from plans.

Numbuh 5:
Teamwork is the key to mission success.

Numbuh 3:
Operational procedures are important.

Numbuh 4:
[in a full-body cast and in a wheelchair] Pianos...are heavy.

Numbuh 1:
Oh, close enough.

Numbuh 1:
[Upon finding they cannot escape the cage, starts calmly] I suggest we... [suddenly breaks down] PANIC!

[Sector V, expect, Numbuh 5 who was thinking, run around panicking as the Delightful Children shake their heads in annoyance while listening to their record player. Numbuh 5 soon gets frustrated with all the noise]

Numbuh 5:
WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?! [Everyone stop] I can’t think straight between your screaming and their stupid record player!

[After Sector V and the Delightful Children work together to free themselves from their cages…]

Delightful Children:
Thank you very much... Kids Next Door.

Numbuh 1:
You are... Welcome?

Delightful Children:
Now if you don't mind, we'll be leaving.

Numbuh 4:
Why, I ought to…

Numbuh 1:
Easy, Numbuh 4. We'll take care of them later. We've gotta free all the other kids in this zoo. So let's roll!

Numbuh 3:
[runs to the door as it bangs] I'll get it! [answers the door, revealing Laura Limpin in her Skunky Scout uniform]

Laura:
Hi! I'm selling Skunky Scout candy for to raise money for troop 177…

Numbuh 3:
[defiantly while smiling] No thanks! [immediately closes the door on Laura]

Numbuh 5:
Tell me that's not Laura Limpin. [Laura growls viciously and transforms into the Big Badolescent from outside] AKA, The Big Badolescent.

Big Badolescent:
YOU…BUY…SKUNKY SCOUT CANDY, NOW!

Numbuh 5:
MAN, THAT WAS CLOSE!

Numbuh 1:
Hey! Keep it down, Numbuh 5! I am trying to get some sleep here!

[Numbuh 5 screams loudly in frustrated anger]

Numbuh 5:
[after hearing Numbuh 1's speech] Ah, shut up!

Delightful Children:
Hello, Kids Next Door. We're here to finally strike your posteriors with our feet.

Numbuh 3:
You're here to what?!

Delightful Children:
Kick your butts!

Delightful Children:
Enough! This ends now! Once we adjust the device to Age 0, you'll disappear forever! You should've known you'd be no threat to us without Numbuh-- [see an ice cream truck speeding up towards their mansion and crash in] Huh?!

Father:
Bravo, Mr. Uno. You managed to skillfully outwit a bunch of... children. Question is, do you have what it takes to play with the BIG BOYS?!

Adult Numbuh 1:
Yeah, yeah, nice fireworks. I'll see you in preschool! [aims the age cigar at Father but he smacks it out of his hand]

Father:
We won't be needing toys now, will we, Mr. Uno? [puts a fire cage around the age cigar and laughs evilly] So, shall we proceed?

Adult Numbuh 1:
Bring it on!

Father:
With pleasure. I should have destroyed you and your impertinent friends a long time ago! I was certain my children could take care of such a minor annoyance, but they are a disappointment.

Adult Numbuh 1:
That must run in the family.

Numbuh 4:
Oh man, this is depressing!

Numbuh 2:
Yeah, it'll take forever to fix.

Numbuh 1:
It's OK Numbuh 2, we're not growing up for a long long time. So let's get to work guys!