Dad's Army, Series Three

Reverend Farthing:
Mr Mainwaring, if you can do your blood-curdling bayonet practice in the middle of my responses, I can do my Jubilate in the middle of your inquiry!

Jones:
I was just going to give the order...just going to give the order...just going to give..

Mainwaring:
What's the matter, Corporal?

Jones:
I think I'm going Sir. I hear angels' voices!

Mainwaring:
Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office!

Jones:
Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

Jones:
Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.

Mainwaring:
No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!

(BANG!)

(The platoon have instinctively followed the order and pulled the triggers on their guns, which were loaded, unknown to them. Pieces of debris rain down from the roof as the Vicar and Mr Yeatman come rushing in)

Mr Yeatman:
VANDALS!

Mainwaring:
Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

Having cleaned and returned a Lewis gun

Frazer:
Thank goodness! I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.

Mainwaring:
That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.

Frazer:
If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time.

Mainwaring:
That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.

Frazer:
What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.

Mainwaring:
Your workshop?

Frazer:
Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.

Mainwaring:
Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.

Jones:
Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.