Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23, Season 1

June:
Is that a picture of Dawson?

Chloe:
Ah, yeah. James Van Der Beek. The Beek from the Creek. Le Beek c'est chic.

[Both laugh]

Chloe:
Yeah, we dated for a while and then decided we are better off as friends. We weren't really compatible genitally. Imagine trying to fit a cucumber into a coin purse. [laughs]

June:
Ooh.

Chloe:
Anyway, so yeah, now he's like my gay BFF, but straight. Have you ever had a straight gay BFF?

Steven:
This your roommate?

June:
Oh, oh! Yes. That was so rude of me. How could I forget? Everyone, this is Chloe. She's the bitch in apartment 23.

Chloe:
[holds up a bag of illegal energy pills] Anyone wanna get weird and play Mario Kart?

Chloe:
I guess I got a lot going on underneath the surface. I'm like a river in winter.

June:
Steven is the only guy that I've... been with.

Chloe:
You mean not counting one-night stands?

June:
N-no.

Chloe:
Blackout sex?

June:
What?

Chloe:
Redheads? Girls?

June:
No!

Chloe:
Look, I'm not a fan of the lady cave either, but in a pinch...

June:
It'd have to be a really big pinch.

June:
Your plant died.

Chloe:
What plant? I hate plants. I don't have no plant.

June:
Sure you do. You got one about a month ago.

[Flashback to Chloe and June at a fair]

Chloe:
[to a hot salesman] I'm all about the environment. I fancy myself a tree hugger.

[Flashback ends]

Chloe:
Oh, right, Ethan. He was my emergency contact for a month. Well, I don't know how it died. I watered it all the time.

June:
[pulling a dead fish from the plant pot] With water from your goldfish's bowl?

Chloe:
What goldfish? I hate goldfish. I don't have no goldfish.

[Flashback to Chloe and June at a fair]

Chloe:
[to another hot salesman] I'm all about the goldfish. Wanna have sex?

[Flashback ends]

Chloe:
Weird fair. A lot of weird booths at that weird fair.

Chloe:
[realizing what June said earlier about responsibilities, after reading a script of James'] Sometimes, things don't click until Hollywood really spells them out for you.

Chloe:
[seeing June lying on the floor by the couch] Oh, don't bother. I already ate all the pills from underneath the couch.

Chloe:
[answering phone] Hello?

Steven:
Chloe, it's Steven.

[Chloe looks confused]

Steven:
June's ex-fiance.

[Chloe looks confused]

Steven:
You and I had sex on her birthday cake.

[Chloe looks confused]

Steven:
It was chocolate.

Chloe:
Oh, hey. What's up?

Luther:
Bitch, please. Bitch.

Chloe:
Ugh. Why not?

Luther:
Because in the past four years, you've borrowed... over $20,000 from James. Dinners, shopping sprees. And I'm not even counting James' stunt double you "lost."

Chloe:
Come on, Luther. I need the money.

Luther:
And I needed notes on my play. [Chloe rolls eyes] I gave it to you to read over a year ago. Remember? So, again, my answer is... [imitates Southern accent] The grapes on the vine aren't having it.

[Chloe looks confused]

Luther:
If you'd read my play, you'd get that.

James:
[showing his jeans from behind] My publicist thought I should take advantage of all the press I'm getting for Dancing with the Stars and launch my own line of jeans. So... [slaps own butt] Beek Jeans. Put your cheeks in a Beek.

[Luther claps hands]

James:
Right? [turns around]

Chloe:
Holy Mother! Damn it, those are tight! Doesn't that hurt?

James:
So much. Yeah. But if you want your ass to rock, your plums gotta pay the price.

Chloe:
[after learning June had casual sex] You see these? Tears of joy. I haven't cried since I was 10 and my mom wouldn't take me to see Pulp Fiction.

June:
[cell phone chimes] Ooh! Oh, it's Charles. "Come over now. I need you." Aw, yeah! Booty text!

Chloe:
Get out of here, you little slut! I love you! I got you something. It's a casual sex kit. There is makeup remover, cab fare, energy bar, instant coffee, tweezers, tampons, pepper spray, a short article, and pictures of me. For the casual sexer!

June:
I'm a casual sexer!

June:
I can't do this whole casual sex thing. I tried. But I get too attached. I can't be like you. My lady harp has feelings!

Chloe:
Why do you have to make things so complicated when it could be just sex?

June:
Because sex is complicated! You've never had feelings for somebody you've slept with?

Chloe:
"Slept with"? Honey, if you're falling asleep, he's obviously doing something wrong.

June:
[reading from the graphic novel that is based on Chloe] "Patrick Kelly." That's the guy who wrote these. Do you know who that is?

Chloe:
Ugh. June, if I had time to worry about every person who admired, imitated, or stalked me, I wouldn't have time to be my fabulous self.

June:
[after getting her stomach pumped the night before] I can hang out with you. It's just, I-I can't drink anything.

Chloe:
Oh, no, no, no. If you roll with me, you roll as hard as me. I don't want any Judgmental Judy's or Sober Sally's in my crew.