Drawn Together, Season 3 Quotes

[Captain Hero drops a pill into his beer, drinks it and passes out]

Wooldoor:
I think the mailman meant a Greek family moved in next door, and not a fraternity.

Xandir:
And that wasn't a roofie Captain Hero..... that was a Tic-Tac.

[Short pause]

Captain Hero:
Are you guys gonna f*** me or not?

Ling-Ling:
Father why? You have so much to live for.

Jun-Jee:
Oh, nothing bling me joy. I too old to battle, and my cataract make karaoke impossible.

[Cut to Jun-Jee in a bar looking at a big screen. The song playing is "Tequila". When the one lyric comes up on the screen, he struggles to make it out]

Ling-Ling:
He my father, Ling-Ling deserve money, not you.... filthy srut! [spits]

Toot:
Hey, I'm no slut, I earned this money! I've been letting Jun-Jee ram his tank into my Tienanmen Square! [In confessional] Sadly, he always ignored the little student.

Jun-Jee:
Jun-Jee decide... no one get his fortune!

Ling-Ling:
YOKO OH-NO!

Toot:
Yoo-hoo Ho-ho!

Captain Hero:
We're not going to let them destroy us, are we, pledges?

Wooldoor & Xandir:
Sir, never, sir!

Captain Hero:
And to prove it, Xandir, lock yourself in a trunk of a car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until it's empty! [Hands Xandir a bottle of "Jack Daniels"]

Xandir:
Sir, yes, sir!

Captain Hero:
And Wooldoor, you tie one end of this rope to your penis and the other around this brick, and then throw it over the balcony!

Wooldoor:
Sir! Thank you for making my wish come true, sir!

Captain Hero:
[Puts on a "Make-a-Wish" cap] There goes one brave kid.

Ling Ling:
Fine. But only if we split it 50-50.

Toot:
You want half my ho-ho? I SHOULD KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!!!!!!!!

Ling Ling:
Nooooo. Half of father's fortune.

Jun-Jee:
Space turns Asians into queers. That only explanation for George Takei.

Ling-Ling:
It's Ling-Ling money!

Toot:
No, it's my money!

Ling-Ling:
It's Ling-Ling money!

Toot:
It's my money!

Ling-Ling:
It's Ling-Ling money!

Toot:
That's my money!

Ling-Ling:
Duck season!

Jun-Jee:
I am ashamed to call you Ling-Ling Hitler-bin-Laden-Seacrest!

Clara:
Hey Foxxy, when are you gonna contribute to the parent pile?

Foxxy:
When my daddy get back from buyin' them cigarettes.

Captain Hero:
Hey bro, what do you think about...bagina?

Terminator Guy:
Dude, I love the bagina.

Captain Hero:
Dude! I love the bagina! What do you like to do to the bagina?

Terminator Guy:
What do you think I like to do to the bagina?

Captain Hero:
I think you like to f**k it!

Terminator Guy:
Damn straight, I totally like to to f**k the bagina.

Both:
Sweet!

Foxxy:
Mm-hmm! I have never had so many wieners in my mouth all at once. [Her nipples elongate] Maybe that one time in college... [Her nipples elongate] I ain't no Pinocchio! [Her nipples elongate]

Foxxy:
Senators! A children's TV show won't make boys get fellatio. Watching TV on the sofa can't turn your girl into Martina Navratilova. So senators, if you protect Wooldoor's free speech, I'll massage your prostates, each.

Wooldoor:
Here's to congress for letting me do my show!

Spanky Ham:
And to freedom of speech.

Wooldoor:
F**k yeah!

Xandir:
That's the sh*t!

Captain Hero:
I want to f**k the head off of a f**king pig and rip its f**king guts out and then f**k its f**king f**k f**k f**k f**kity f**k...

Xandir:
Cum on me if you want to live.

Wooldoor:
I think you mean, "come with you".

Xandir:
Wh, why, what did I say?

Wooldoor:
No Xandir! Like Paul McCartney's ex-wife, we're not running anymore!

Wooldoor:
What a weird night, first I was partying and drinking with my friends, much like a drunken pro athlete. Then I was crying and running for my life, like the wife of a drunken pro athlete!

Wooldoor:
Quick Xandir! Snarf my cavernous bunghole you snerd-nurgling Jew!

Xandir:
Don't you mean, "hold on"?

Wooldoor:
Why, what did I say?

Female Transformer:
Not in the hair, I have a date tonight!

Toot:
While those bastards stuffed their faces at the Wiener-mobile, I was trapped in the closet with nothing but some old coats! And Clara's golf umbrella which I've since renamed the expandable pleasure wand...

Xandir:
Wooldoor, you saved the Gay Future. I wish I could see it one last time... So beautiful... Semen.. everywhere...

Wooldoor:
I was deader than a racist walrus lost in the Detroit projects after dark.

[cut to a walrus surrounded by some black people]

Walrus:
Don't any of you shwoogies have jobs?

Black man 1:
The hell did you say!!!

Black man 2:
Lets get him!!!

Terminator:
What's the difference between a woman with the PMS and a terrorist? - You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Wooldoor:
So now you're from the future, too? I thought you were from a video game.

Xandir:
VIDEO GAMES ARE THE FUTURE!!!

Wooldoor:
HELP! He's got a gun!

Xandir:
Wooldoor, wait! Come on my back! [gets tackled by cops] Wait, what did I say?

Captain Hero:
Hey, do you know what they call vagina in France?...Royale with Cheese

Clara:
If you put your show on, it'll turn the children gayer than a magician!

Wooldoor:
OH MY GOD! Wait, street or Vegas?

Clara:
VEGAS!

Wooldoor:
OH MY GOD!!!

Female Transformer:
(In robotic voice) I did not think that could be an input! Oh!

Foxxy:
It's hot, but sad. You just know that fighter-plane/dinosaur was molested.

Clara:
What in the name of one-dimensional characters and predictable reactions is going on here?!

Captain hero:
(to the terminator) But wait, bro. I didn't get to tell you my absolute favorite things about the bagina. It bought me close to you.

Wooldoor:
Hey look everybody, it's our new friend the singing robo-biker!

All:
[singing] Welcome to Wooldoor's World, where everybody loves bagina. Every shape and size...

Wooldoor:
Nobody kills Wooldoor's dreams, not my close-minded parents, not my oppressive 3rd grade teacher, not the tough but fair drill instructor who taught me how to be an officer and a gentleman, AND NOT YOU, TER-MIN-AT-OR FROM THE FUTURE!!!

End Credits Bonus Feature:
Foxxy watching Sex Transformers.

Clara:
Captain Hero, take me home!

Captain Hero:
You're not having fun?

Clara:
You're making out with our waiter!

Spanky:
Stick with me, and you'll be the best thing to come out of spelling since Tori's fat head!

Foxxy:
Why you dissin' on Tori?

Spanky:
She knows what she did.

CaptAIN Hero:
Oh, what's the use? I don't deserve someone as good as you. Just like I don't deserve to wear the tie my father was buried in

[Clara and Captain Hero on another date]

Clara:
I'm so glad you gave us a second chance.

Hero:
Well, at first-

Clara:
[angry] SHUT UP! [silent, more gently] I mean... shut your f***ing face, my sweet.

Captain Hero:
[In confessional] We started going out a lot and I think that Clara started to really like me. I was more excited than a passed-out college girl in my bedroom!

Wooldoor:
Uhh...D...O...G. Cat!

[Buzzer sounds]

Spelling Bee Judge:
No I'm sorry but that's not the correct spelling of 'centrifuge'.

Spelling Bee Judge:
All right Ling-Ling, if you get this wrong, the Peanuts win. Your word is...'L'.

[Since Ling-Ling can't say "L" properly, he looks at the screen and then forfeits by disappearing]

Snow White:
That's what we get for letting Mulan drive.

Clara:
Stay with me, Sleeping Beauty!

Sleeping Beauty:
But... I'm tired... so... very... tired...

Charlie Brown:
Oh yeah, we beat you worse than Linus' dad beats him.

Linus:
You'll protect me, won't you Blue Blanket?

Toot:
I'd give Spanky's left testicle for an Applebee's coupon!

Spanky:
Too late... I already gave that testicle to my one true love... Cancer.

Spanky:
Hey, look! The 7-Eleven's hiring!

Hadji:
Mom and Dad got fired?

Foxxy:
Can we play the Rocky Training Song?

Spanky:
Only if we can afford it.

Captain Hero:
And remember kids: never mess with the emotions of a dangerous lunatic.

Spelling Bee Judge:
For the win, your word is... "illogical." As in: You being allowed to compete after someone else has already won is highly illogical.

Foxxy:
Illogical, y'all. I-L-L-O-G-I-C-A-L, Y-apostrophe-A-L-L. Illogical, y'all.

Clara:
Wait, you're leaving? Then I'll no longer receive the attention I so desperately crave; hmmm…hey, Wooldoor; maybe before you leave, I can make you one last bowl of chicken soup?

Wooldoor:
Soup?! FUCK YEAH! I LOVE THAT SHIT!

Clara:
Gosh, my roommates always hated me, and now they think I'm some kind of saint.

Foxxy:
Clara, for the first time ever, I am proud to be your friend. This makes up for all them cracks about my breasteses lactatin' chocolate milk.

Nestlé Quik Rabbit:
No chocolate milk? Then what the hell have I been sucking on?!

Captain Hero:
Don't you see, Xandir? There is only one expalantion for this. HE...IS...MY...SON!!

Xandir:
Of course he is.

Clara:
Taking orders from a black girl?! Who does she think I am, Thomas Jefferson's penis?

After Wooldoor nearly drowns, Foxxy gives him CPR, and her golden teeth fell out.

Foxxy:
[In a polite English accent] Capital! Thank goodness I'm certified in Cardiopulmonary Resucitation. [She puts the teeth back in and reverts to her normal style] Mouth to mouth, y'all!

Wooldoor:
Clara, you've gone crazy! You're poisoning me!

Clara:
Oh, Wooldoor, you don't mean that. That's just the poison I'm using to poison you with talking.

Xandir:
How could you possibly have a son? You said you had your balls removed.

Captain Hero:
No, I said I had my ball-SACK removed. Besides, I always pull out!

Xandir:
That's not a foolproof method. [Xandir is in the confessional holding a baby] Right, Craig?

Jesus:
Look at that heeb pretending to drown. Those Jews kill me.

Captain She-Ro:
Hello?

Captain Hero:
Pardon me, sir, but did you buy some Zebulonian sperm and give birth to a giant stupidhead?

Captain She-Ro:
Who wants to know?

Captain Hero:
I do, for I am the donor. My name is Captain Hero.

Captain She-Ro:
Captain Hero? Oh no!

Captain Hero:
Oh no, what?

Captain She-Ro:
I am your... sister.

Xandir:
Of course she is.

Clara:
[to Wooldoor] You are so lucky to have someone like me stabbing you with a rusty screwdriver like this.

Bill Cosby:
Without the pudding, I'm just another unemployed sexual predator.

Clara:
Foxxy, look out in the hallway! It's another Denzel Washington! With two penises!

Foxxy:
Double-dong Denzel! Wait a minute, there ain't no one out in that hall except triple-dong Wesley Snipes!

Captain She-Ro:
So, then I moved to Earth to be closer to Trader Joe's, I turned 35 and desperately wanted a baby. Anywho, when I discovered the clinic actually had Zebulonian sperm, I was tickled pink! But who would've thought the he-honkers I snorted up my crotch nostril were from my brother?

Captain Hero:
I feel so dumb! And all this time I thought my son was a giant retard, turns out he's just an inbred!

Bambi You killed my mother!

Captain Hero Sucks to be you.

Captain Hero:
Like a tampon, once I had a taste for blood, I wanted more.

Capt. Hero:
Oh, Wooly Bully and I spent another fun-filled day at The Museum Of Tolerance. Every time we go it reminds us that the world's a tolerant place where nothing ever goes wrong.

[All the happiness stops when Wooldoor & Capt. Hero get home and discover the house has been robbed]

Wooldoor:
OH MY GOD!

Captain Hero:
We've been robbed! [redos everything he just did backwards] Erehw ecalp tnarelot a s'dlrow eht taht su sdnimer ti og ew emit yreve. Ecnarelot Fo Muesum Eht ta yad dellif-nuf rehtona tneps I & Yllub Yloow, ho. We've been robbed!

Museum of Tolerance worker:
It was Probably the blacks or the Mexicans.

Foxxy:
I did not not raise yo' papa to not raise you to be no criminal!

Wooldoor:
Ever wonder why African-American black men are so attracted to large posteriors? Good day. I am Professor Wooldoor Sockbat, here to explain this completely racist phenomenon. [black-and-white footage is shown of an African tribesman being chased by a lion] For centuries, natives found large, roaming badonkadonks to be safe havens from the dangers of the wild. [The tribesman jumps into a large butt, stopping the lion in its tracks.] Their love of huge asses has been written into their genetic code. Even they don't know why... they just know. See you next time when we explore why Jews have big noses! Is it because air is free?

Bambi:
Just give us a fighting chance, Mr. Hero. Maybe Mommy would've lived.

Bambi:
Wait, come back! I killed my own mother for this!

Judge Fudge:
I don't have time to rule on your motion. I'm far too busy... being delicious.

Capt. Hero:
F*** you, duck!

Captain Hero:
Soon I'll have more arms than the wackiest god in all of India!

Bambi:
I'm not saying you need to stop hunting...

Captain Hero:
Bitchin'! [aims a sniper rifle at Bambi]

Bambi:
...but using assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets is just not fair!

King of Mexico:
[as a giant monster worm] I don't have to wear pants anymore!

Ling-Ling:
You've gotta be shitting me.

Ling-Ling:
Who knew something so Mexican could move so fast?

Toot:
Come on, Ling-Ling. If you win this match, we'll finally have enough money to return to the land of indoor toilets!

Capt. Hero:
Oh, ladies! What does Captain Hero have in common with Lance Armstrong's left testicle? We are both single! And we're sensitive to cold.

[A cold wind passes and his head shrinks]

[Xandir and Wooldoor are playing "Dungeons and Dragons"]

Xandir:
This is so boring!

Wooldoor:
You know, when Hero's not around, "Dungeons and Dragons" seems to be a lot less about hand-jobs and a lot more about trolls

Toot:
Our plan was working great. We were making more money than a televangelist in a room full of impressionable retards. For more information about this joke, please visit the South!

Capt. Hero:
[Voiceover] I was an even bigger loser than a Christian scientist in a sensible religion contest!

Ling-Ling:
Now that honorable battle! Not like the battle to put Toot to bed.

[Flashback:
Ling-Ling is chasing Toot who is in a feetsy pajamas]

Toot:
No! No bedtime! No sleep! [jumps over the banister to the lower level of the house] Eaaaaaaat!

[Giant explosion]

Toot:
I thought we were going to be caged up until we died, like those stupid chickens!

Ling-Ling:
The chickens! We must go back and save them!

Toot:
Screw that! I'm gonna watch my OWN back from now on!...if only I could watch my own feet! [Moves her boobs around, but is unable to see her feet below]

Ling-Ling:
We must turn back now and save the chickens, for they are Ling-Ling's brothers. But if you only care about yourself, then fine, go.

Toot:
Later asshole! Meep-meep! [takes off in "Road-Runner" style, but only gets a couple feet, falling flat on her chest and gasping and panting heavily; a vulture then flies in and lands on her butt]

Vulture:
Jesus, how long has this thing been dead?

Foxy:
[In confessional] So I was all alone at the dance. And worse, the meteor was about to smash into the Earth! and if the movie "Deep Impact" had anything to go by, the whole planet was about to become boring and unwatchable.

Toot:
C'mon! Do me! You know you want it!

Donkey:
I'm sorry, my dear, but even a filthy, pathetic donkey has standards.

Clara:
Oh, really? How do you explain this? [phone line disconnected] The phone wasn't even plugged in. [makes ghost noises]

Foxxy:
Uh, Clara, is that Kirk Cameron hiding behind that plant?

[Camera shows Kirk Cameron hiding behind a house-plant]

Clara:
Kirk, you're busted! Run!

Kirk Cameron:
To learn more, visit my website wayofthemaster.com [jumps out of the window] Catch me, Jesus!

[All that's heard is a "thump!"']'

Sapnky:
Alright, Xandir's ueseless. Everyone listen to Spanky Ham. Now they say in the Boy Scouts: if you get lost, stay in one place until someone will come and find you

Captain Hero:
Stay in one place? I prefer my Boy Scouts to move around a little [Simulates sex move]

[Wooldoor opening the van door]

Wooldoor:
Ach du lieber Augustin! [continues by using his dummy] We can't get out this way either!

Xandir:
Drawn Together Mall Trip '06 starts right now!

Spanky:
I hope to God you know what the hell you're doing.

Captain Hero:
You're all going to die! This van just got a whole lot sexier...

Clara:
Oh, Jesus, how could you rapture my sinful housemates and leave ME behind? Answer me, Talking Jesus! [pulls the talking Jesus' string]

Talking Jesus:
I love shopping with my girlfriends!

Clara:
Huh, there must have been some mix up at the doll factory...

[Flashes to a little girl pulling her doll's string]

Little Girl's Doll:
STOP YOUR WHORING AND SODOMIZING, SINNER! I SHALL CLEANSE YOU WITH MY BLOOD! NNNIIARRRGGHHHAARRRRGHHH! :[Little Girl runs away]

Delivery Guy:
[In confessional] Watching that kid in Home Alone is the closest thing my wife and I will get to having a real son...

Delivery Guy:
This has been the worst delivery since my wife's miscarriage.

Foxxy:
Hero, I want that gun.

Captain Hero:
If you want this gun, you'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hand! [Foxxy slowly reaches towards him and takes the gun without ease] Oh, why did I keep my gun in my Bob Dole hand?

[Wooldoor puts a pencil in Captain Hero's hand]

Wooldoor:
Wait, I'll go get Clara.

Foxxy:
Clara? I'm sick of that Bible-thumping bitch. And besides, what's the fun of a group activity when you can't exclude somebody?

Excludie:
You can say that again.

Toot:
Shut up, Excludie! Get back in your box!

Excludie:
Aww... [walks off]

[Excludie walks back into his box]

Voice:
Get out, Excludie! We don't want you!

Excludie:
Aww... [walks off]

Xandir:
Today was when I thought you all promised we'd go to the mall together!

Captain Hero:
I thought you promised you were going to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Spanky:
You pathetic fools! Now we're all gonna die!

Excludie:
Even me?

Spanky:
No! Not you, Excludie! Now here's a blanket and a thermos of delicious hot cocoa.

Excludie:
Aww... [walks off]

Xandir:
Hey guys, are you all ready to go?

Captain Hero:
Are you ready to SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!

Clara:
Get up, black person! Time to repent!

Foxxy:
Repent? But we just pented! [cut to a horrendously-painted wall]

Spanky:
We have to launch now!

Wooldoor:
But she's not ready!

Captain Hero:
If we launch now, she could break apart!

Xandir:
If we say here, we're already dead! So like the time Fernando and I went to the diner and ordered a bowl of soup to split but we didn't feel like crackers, we gotta roll!

Captain Hero:
We can sit here and argue for hours about who suffocated Ling-Ling. But the truth is, he's dead and we are hungry.

Wooldoor:
Captain Hero, what are you saying?

Captain Hero:
I'm saying what we're all thinking: it's time to cuddle with the charred corpse of that dummy! [Picks up dummy] I'll make you feel like a real boy.

Spanky:
I thought he was going to say we should eat Ling-Ling...

Clara:
I haven't seen a bovine with such kind eyes since Mother Theresa died!

Davey:
Ah shucks! I'm gonna die! And I never knew what it's like to love.

Goliath:
What about all the stuff we did we went camping, Davey?

Davey:
That wasn't about love, Goliath. It was about POWER!

Captain Hero:
If the fat chick hallucinating from the saltwater says it's true, then it must be true!

Hot Topic Manager:
[Walks into torture room] What part of "we need to evacuate" do you not understand?

Clara:
Not today, mister! [Cuts off his arm]

Foxxy:
Nice work, Clara! Now let's get- [Clara cuts off his other arm] Okay, I think you got him...

Clara:
[Between hacks] I...MUST...GET...INTO...HEAVEN!

Foxxy:
Is you done?

Clara:
Not sure...how do you know when you're done killing something?

Foxxy:
When your man pick you up at the clinic and take you drinking at the club.

Wooldoor:
Fine, if we must, we must. But before we eat Ling-Ling, let's take a moment to remember the good times

Toot:
I'll always remember our trip to Paris [The housemates are all seen together in Paris] Guys, this trip has really bringed us together.

Ling-Ling:
Yes, Ling-Ling comfortable enough to share greatest fear. No matter what happen, please, no eat Ling-Ling.

Wooldoor:
And remember when we all got f***ing wasted on the roof? [Next, the housemates are sitting on the roof looking at the stars] Oh look, a shooting star!

Ling-Ling:
Ling-Ling only wish is for roommates not to eat his body when he die.

Captain Hero:
Oh, and remember that time when Ling-Ling learnt to speak English?

[Next, they are in the living room listening to Ling-Ling]

Ling-Ling:
[Speaking in English] What's wrong with you people?! Why don't you listen to me? Ling-Ling religion very specific: if body even so dead, he should not be eaten!

Spanky:
Well guys, let's dig in [Hands out chopsticks] It's what Ling-Ling would've wanted.

Xandir:
And Hero, you gave up $10, 000 for a donkey on Let's Make a Deal

Captain Hero:
That donkey paid off for itself in the first six months!

Xandir:
I'm leading us out of this van, like Moses led the Jews out of the desert to the world's everlasting regret

[Upon realizing that Scroto's last wish was to wash his testicles]

Captain Hero:
Not your baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllssss!!

Gash:
Sorry Ling Ling, but your dancing days are over. Like any child who has ever been adopted, you are destined to kill.

Ling-Ling:
Ling-Ling dreamed of becoming dancer but ended up being captured by preteen boy, just like Pete Townsend's heart

Ling Ling:
What was Ling Ling thinking?! Battle monster not meant to dance

Gash:
Or is he!

Ling Ling:
Gash! What are you doing here?

Gash:
I came to see you dance

Ling Ling:
But you said Ling Ling could never be a dancer.

Gash:
I was just jealous. I too always wanted to be a dancer as well also but, I didn't have the talent so I tortured you relentlessly until you became a sociopathic killer, crushing all your dreams. My bad.

Director:
Oh no! Something happened to Gwyneth Paltrow! Ling-Ling, you have to take her place as the star!

Ling-Ling:
I can't! Like Cameron Diaz without three inches of makeup, I'm not ready for the spotlight!

Captain Hero:
What am I to do? My nemesis taught me to read, but now, he wants me to wash his balls and I don't feel like it. God, give me a sign! [a flaming goat bursts in through the window and runs past him] Sooo...what does that mean, exactly? Oh well, I guess it's up to me to figure this out... Through song!

[Singing] How can I face the shriveled balls of my decrepit nemesis?

I can smell that crotch from here!

That sack has not been cleaned in years!

It's gotta be drenched in layers of sweat and piss

But he taught me how to read and that has opened up new worlds

Still that stench, rancid flesh, soaked in crotch juice, pus, and ass

Good God! It makes me want to hurl!

I can't deny him his dying wish!!!

Even though I swear I'll faint if I find some ancient dingle berries sticking to his taint...

But wait! I must stand for something!

I'm a hero, after all...[Begins to fly into the air]

I must have the balls to face his nasty, cadaverous, spidery, putrid, rash-ridden, lice-infested, Limburger-smelling, wretch-inducing---BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSS!!!!

Spanky:
Whoa, you're beautiful! What's your name?

Charlotte:
I'm Charlotte. Do you really think I'm beautiful?

Spanky:
WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?!

Charlotte:
Wow! No ones ever loved me enough to yell at me!

Captain Hero:
What comes after asphyxi-seven? Asphyxiate!

Captain Hero:
Your Balls are CLEAN!

Spanky:
Huh? "Some Pig?"

Charlotte:
Mm-hmm, you were some pig last night. That was the hottest inter-species sex since Matthew Broderick nailed Sarah Jessica Parker.

Captain Hero:
Damn you, Scroto! Aww...

Wooldoor:
His name is Scroto?

Captain Hero:
Yes.

Wooldoor:
So that's what your arch-nemesis does?

Captain Hero:
Yep.

Wooldoor:
No bank robberies?

Captain Hero:
Uh-uh.

Wooldoor:
Or blowing up the planet?

Captain Hero:
Nope.

Wooldoor:
He just tricks superheroes into washing his balls?

Captain Hero:
Not all superheroes. Just me... just me.

Wooldoor:
What a strange, strange villain.

Foxxy:
Ling-Ling, you killed Xylophone!

Toot:
Who the hell is Ling-Ling?

Captain Hero:
There I was, seconds away from destroying the most evil man I had ever known, but I couldn't kill someone on their deathbed.

Mrs. Wifflebottom:
You knew there was a shark out there, but you let people go swimming anyway.

Fran Drescher:
[in costume as Ling-Ling] Yoko Ono, Mitsubishi. I have a small penis.

Girl:
Are you sure you're finished with that spider lady? 'Cause I am too classy to be the second woman... unless, of course, we're having a piss orgy.

Foxxy:
Tookie, can't you just be happy for Mapplethorpe?

Toot:
Why don't you assholes believe me? [To Foxxy] And why don't you know any of our names?

Toot:
[To Wooldoor] like a woman on a date with a Jew, you're gonna pay!

African Kid:
Oh, dip! Our families will starve!

Toot:
Is this where the auditions are?

Frankenberry:
Don't be shy, come in. I'm Frankenberry, the president of the cereal empire; this is Tony Tiger; and of course, you know Violent Retard, from "Violent Retard Flakes"

Toot:
There isn't any cereal called "Violent Retard Flakes".

Frankenberry:
You tell him.

Tony Tiger:
Okay, Miss Braunstein, tell us why the new face of Quacker's cereal should be a fat, disgusting woman!

Toot:
Because Mary Lou Retton sold a butt-load of Wheaties!

Pop:
Hey, has anyone seen Jewel? [Pop sees a crowd] Oh no. Hey Snap, Crackle, that's my wife!

[Snap and Crackle are in a threesome with Jewel]

Jewel:
I'm done wit' you, Pop. These boys don't need me to crap on their bellies to get off

Toot:
Hey, you cereal-mascot-dickbag! Toot Braunstein is gonna destroy you and the entire cereal empire with these special UPC codes!

Spanky:
There's nothing special about UPC Codes. Why, they're everywhere! And have been since 1971. First suggested by Wallace Flint in 1922, the Uniform Product Code or "UPC" was developed... [an annoyed Captain Hero hits him on the head] I like to pee on things!

Wooldoor:
Frankenberry?

Spanky:
Ohhhh, it's Frankenberry now, because back in Hebrew school it was Frankenstein! Assimilation is our people's worst enemy.

Frankenberry:
I know...

Foxxy:
Hey, wait! Them ain't yo Funyuns! Them's Foxxy's Funyuns.

Narrator:
And that is how Foxxy learned "Them ain't yo Funyuns. Them's Foxxy's Funyuns."

Captain Hero:
If you tell me everything, I can talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!

Walter:
"Extenuating circumstances?" What's that mean?

Captain Hero:
How am I supposed to know? I'm a goddamn baby!

Captain Hero:
They threw there diapers against the wall. You should punish them with severe force. Then maybe they will love you like I do. [sniffs Mommy's leg and hugs her] God I love you So MUUUUCH!!!

Xandir:
Foxxy, wanna race?

Foxxy:
A'ight, but I'm real shy, so won't you please pretend I'm the genocide in Sudan and turn your head?

Clara:
What's a genocide?

Foxxy:
How should I know? I'm just a baby!

Foxxy:
You guys get rid of Chad. [the other babies get excited and pull out guns] Not the African country, the babysitter's boyfriend!

[the other babies drop their guns in disappointment]

Wooldoor:
WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Captain Hero:
"Wheee?" Why the hell did you say "wheee?"

Wooldoor:
You damaged my internal organs on the Sit n' Spin. I have to make that sound every thirty seconds, or I'll drown in my own bile. [simulates drowning] WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Narrator:
And that's how Walter Saget became Wooldoor Sockbat. (Long pause)

Narrator:
And that is how Toot became a one-dimensional fat joke.

Woman:
[off-screen] Your face is a fat joke!

Narrator:
No, yours is.

Doctor:
Now, you kids run along. I have to perform an emergency triple bypass.

Clara:
"Emergency triple bypass?" What's that?

Doctor:
How should I know? I'm just a baby!

[everyone laughs]

Captain Hero:
If anybody needs me, I'll be in the fridge, spending time with my new friend.

Narrator:
And that is how Captain Hero learned that dead bodies are game for anything... and I do mean anything. Goodnight, and f*** you.

Spanky:
Well, both of you seem equally qualified, but I say we listen to Foxxy, since black people deserve a helping hand.

Narrator:
And that is how Princess Clara learned to hate the coloreds.

Foxxy:
If you like that taste of chocolate, I could give you a tour of the whole factory. [removes most of her wardrobe to distract Captain Hero]

Narrator:
And that is how Foxxy Love became a whooooooore.

Spanky:
We'll have a Spring wedding, with garlands!

Clara:
Oh, this is so romantic.

Ling-Ling:
What are you people, insane? We're four babies in a trench coat! We have to get out of here! We murdered someone today!

Clara:
Ling-Ling's right. We can't give up on our one chance at true love.

Ling-Ling:
[speaking Oriental] Fine. You no listen to me. Ling-Ling start speaking crazy language I make up with dead twin.

Narrator:
[speaking Ling-Ling's language] And that is how Ling-Ling began speaking [stretches eyes to look like an Asian person] Oriental.

Narrator:
And that is how Spanky Ham came to love the wonderful world of excrement... almost as much as I do. [gets under a glass table with a dollar bill in hand] Ready! [we see some excrement fall onto the table]

Narrator:
And that is how Xandir became a... "homo."

Daddy:
I'll go and take the sitter home.

Mommy:
Good, 'cause I've been brewing a major steamer, and if I don't drop it out soon, it's gonna tear me to shreds.

Daddy:
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO DISGUSTING?!

Daddy:
I don't wanna be late, so could you move your fat ass?!

Mommy:
Shut your goddamn mouth, you drunken, unemployed bastard! You're gonna wake up Sid! [cut to Sid's bassinet, where the buzzing of flies can be heard, indicating that he has passed away]

Captain Hero:
I'm telling Mommy!

Xandir:
You are such a tattletale, you adopted homo!

Captain Hero:
I was NOT adopted!

Captain Hero:
Like when Daddy plays with Mommy on her woman week, I've caught you red-handed!

Foxxy:
Walter?! What happened to your face?

Wooldoor:
What the f*** happened to your face?!

Charlotte:
Listen, you little bastards! My boyfriend, Chad Huffington, heir to the Huffington Pants fortune, is coming over, so you assholes better shut the hell up and stay in your f***ing rooms!

Captain Hero:
Don't worry, ma'am, I'll patrol the hallway and make sure they stay put.

Charlotte:
Spoken like a true ass-kissing adopted homo.

Captain Hero:
So, Walter Saget, I suppose you don't know anything about that missing babysitter.

Walter:
How should I know? I'm just a pure and innocent little baby. Maybe she went to wash her dirty snatch!

Clara:
To make the babysitter come, I'll cry even louder than Daddy after he found out about Black Daddy.

Mrs. Huffington:
Oh, Chad, that tramp is clearly after your money!

Chad:
But Mother, this is the woman I love!

Chase:
Love? Ha! [lights a cigarette, puffs once, and flicks it] You don't even know what love is.

Chad:
Shut your mouth, my Rebellious Brother, Chase!

Mrs. Huffington:
[to Chase] And would you put on some pants for God's sake?!

Chase:
Pants? Ha! [lights another cigarette, puffs once, and flicks it] I don't even know what "pants" is. [he is shown wearing a kilt]

Chad:
Pants... they're not just for chimps anymore!

[Lyrics to Drawn Together Babies]

Drawn Together Babies:
Ooh-ee-ee-ooh-ooh-ee-ooh!

Drawn Together Babies!

We're cute little girls and boys

We use imagination

Like athletes use their 'roids

Captain Hero:
I like to follow the rules.

Clara:
I think tolerance is cool.

Toot:
Yay friendliness!

Spanky:
And cleanliness!

Foxxy:
I love my chastity.

Walter:
No goofing around for me!

Xandir:
I like cars and girls.

Sid:
I like to sleep on my stomach.

Ling-Ling:
And I'm also in this song!

Drawn Together Babies:
Drawn Together Babies

We poopy in our beds

We are so adorable

You'll wanna smash our heads in

Drawn Together Babies!

Ling-Ling:
ATTICA! ATTICA!

Uncle Benny:
Jesus H. Snork! You sure knows rice!

Ling-Ling:
Well, you know what they say: we Asians born with grain of rice between our legs!

Captain Hero:
A disgusting pig? A homosexual? Am I at Prince Charles' wedding?

Little Orphan Annie:
[to Foxxy] Whatever you do, don't let him take... Your eyes!

Uncle Benny:
[to Ling-Ling] Boy, I got's to say, like the tumor in my brain, you're beginning to grow on me

Uncle Benny:
Foster son, since you've been here, my heart has swollen, soiled and lost nutrients. Just like my crappy rice

Foxxy:
Repeat people much?

Ling-Ling:
Repeat people much?

Foxxy:
Repeat people much?

Ling-Ling:
Repeat people much?

Foxxy:
Repeat people much?

Ling-Ling:
Repeat people much?

Foxxy:
We went to the Rice Museum/Holocaust Memorial, and Daddy got me this awesome T-shirt! It says, "Never forget..." [turns around]

Uncle Benny:
"...to salt the water before boilin' the rice."

Captain Hero:
This has gotten so good! You know that kid I've been f***ing with?

Xandir:
Um, yeah, you mean you?

Captain Hero:
Yes. It turns out, he's unstable! [enraged] WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?!?!

Xandir:
Because you're talking to me.

Captain Hero:
[sobbing] Then why won't you listen?!? [calm again] Anyhoo...

Foxxy:
With our little Chinese friend gone, things just wasn't the same. Our nails was unmanicured, our Zen garden was unraked, and now our Tibetans got way too much freedom.

Foxxy:
Now, where's I supposed to sleep? [a dirty mattress and dog bowl are drawn in] Hold up! Is this some kinda joke? [is redrawn as a weird creature] That's it! Show yourself!

Bugs Bunny:
[as the artist] Ain't I an asshole?

Megatron:
I can transform. Watch. [transforms into a gun and back] Now you transform.

Foxxy:
But I can't trans...

Megatron:
[transforms into a gun again] I SAID TRANSFORM!!

Phat Allen:
Hey, that kid looks like a little girl in a pretzel store.

Mushy Mouth:
Little girl-buh in a pretzel store-buh?

Phat Allen:
Yeah, she's being a-salted!

Phat Allen:
Boy, Foxxy. You're just like a German porn star's mouth.

Foxxy:
German porn star's mouth?

Phat Allen:
Yeah, you're full of shit!

[Phat Allen & his gang laugh hysterically]'

Phat Allen:
They oughta call you Lance Armstrong.

Foxxy:
'Cause I only gots one ball left?

Phat Allen:
Wait a minute. Isn't Lance Armstrong the guy who hangs upside down from giant magnets?

Xandir:
Here we are! The Large Bryant really big and fat and not tall but fat store.

Foxxy:
They oughta call you Daddy.

Phat Allen:
Daddy?

Foxxy:
'Cause you missed terribly!

Foxxy:
Oh, Phat Allen? Come out and plaaaaay!

Not Bright Donald:
Hey Phat Allen, you're just like a library on Sunday.

Phat Allen:
A library on Sunday?

Not Bright Donald:
Yeah, no circulation!

Indian Husband:
Oh, my God!

Indian Wife:
We have hit the most sacred of all creatures in our completely sensible religion: a cow!

Indian Husband:
Oh, my hundreds of goofy gods!

Foxxy:
What the hell is wrong with you, Toot?! Can't you see I'm bangin' Astro?

Scooby-Doo:
Ri rain't Rastro, ritch!

Toot:
Jesus, Foxxy, you're such a whore! You've had more infected wangs in you than a Shanghai hospital!

Scooby-Doo:
Roh ro you ridn't!

Foxxy:
You just jealous because you couldn't get screwed at a convention of Jewish insurance salesmen!

Scooby-Doo:
Rou rid rot rust ro there!

Spanky Ham:
Well, I don't like to blow my own horn...though for five bucks, I can't

Foxxy:
They oughta call me childhood vaccinations.

Phat Allen:
Childhood vaccinations?

Foxxy:
'Cause I've been killin' innocent kids.

Not Bright Donald:
Miss Love, isn't it true you like a bowlin' ball?

Foxxy:
A bowlin' ball?

Not Bright Donald:
Yeah, 'cause you get fingered and thrown in the gutter 20 times a night!

(After the Indian family sings a song for Toot)

Toot:
Holy crap! That sucked my BALLS!

[The family gasps]

Family:
It speaks!

Toot:
Oh Goddamn it. I mean... moo? Well, I guess the jig is up. Okay assbags, thanks for the grub and the retarded dance.

Phat Allen:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I think the Brown Hornet's tryin' to tell us somethin'.

Not Bright Donald:
What, Phat Allen, who has absolutely no affiliation with Bill Cosby's lovable character, Fat Albert?

Phat Allen:
I don't know, but I think it's about beatin' your meat.

Toot:
(to the Indian crowd) OK, everyone, circle up!

Otis Day:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?

Jew Producer:
Toot, you suck, yet you keep returning. How do you explain this phenomenon?

Toot:
Well, how do you explain your fugly face!?

Jew Producer:
I was burned in a horrible accident. It's quite sad, really...

Cast:
One house to hold us all

Eight different cartoon characters

Letting it all hang out in front of a million cameras

We're Drawn Together!

Jew Producer:
Captain Hero, the votes are in, and you are...safe!

Captain Hero:
Oh my god! I love you, America! So why shouldn't we have a f***ing baby?!?!

Jew Producer:
Xandir, your appearance on the show has been one of the most controversial in recent years. Most notably, you're alleged affair with...moi

Xandir:
Eeeew! I wouldn't have sex with a Jewish guy even if you payed me. Which of course, you wouldn't

Brian Dunkleman:
Ryan Seacrest was right. I'm not a Dunkleman. I'm a Dunkleboy.

Toot:
Hey, assholes! Thanks for watching!

Jew Producer:
Now, Captain Hero...

Captain Hero:
It's pronounced "Capitan", the "Hero" is silent

Clara:
Okay, stop your game, Jew Producer, no-one's being voted off. We've been doing this for three years, we're all coming back

[The shot freezes and a Fun-Fact pops up saying "When this line was written, Drawn Together had not yet been cancelled"]

Jew Producer:
When we return we'll find out which one of our six remaining contestants' dreams will be totally ruined like your mom's reputation after I bone her face.

Fun-Facts

This [One House] was the original rejected theme song of Drawn Together

The writers played Halo instead of punching up [Hero's line about how his name is pronounced "Capitan"].

Toot's character is based on your mother's face.

Sorry, we didn't know your mom had passed.

Last year's fun facts were 40% more fun.

Brian Dunkleman declined to voice himself.

Clip shows make budgetary cents.

The Drawn Together producers consider themselves casual friends with Seth MacFarlane.

This is a terribly disappointing series finale.

There is not enough space to finish this Drawn Toget

When this line was written, Drawn Together had not yet been cancelled.

[Lyrics to The Happy Stupid Kid Show Theme Song]

All:
Welcome to Wooldoor's World, where every boy and girl lives with sisters and brothers every race and breed, every personality with tolerance and love. We're all free to be WHEE!!!

Wooldoor:
So cleanse your teeth and not ethnicity.

Clara:
Hero, can we talk?

Xandir:
He has nothing to say to you!

Clara:
Shut up, Xandir. Can't you have one pair of lips that isn't always flapping in the wind?

[Xandir hisses]

Clara:
I understand if you hate me. But I still think about you...a lot.

Captain Hero:
Gah, you miss the crashes. That's what you miss.

Clara:
Sure, they were fun. But people being horribly maimed and disfigured means nothing if I can't share it with you. Maybe we can give it one more shot and cause a different kind of crash...between our hearts.

Man:
[offscreen] Boo!

Police Officer:
[offscreen] Sir, please come with me.

Man:
[offscreen] What?! I didn't do anything!

Police Officer:
[offscreen] I warned you.

Man:
[offscreen] I can boo if I want, it's a free country-- [getting handcuffed] Get off me!

Police Officer:
[offscreen] I warned you.

Man:
[offscreen] You leave me alone! [getting electrocuted by a taser, screaming]

Clara:
Think about it, Hero. You know where to find me.

Clara:
OH MY GOD! Sleeping Beauty? Snow White? Ariel?

Ariel:
I can't feel my fin!

Snow White:
That's what we get for letting Mulan drive.

Clara:
Stay with me, Sleeping Beauty!

Sleeping Beauty:
But I'm tired, so very tired. [she felt dead]

Clara:
NOOO!!!

Captain Hero:
Well, once again, Captain Hero has saved the day. And remember, kids, never mess with the emotions of a dangerous lunatic. I'm off! [imitates plane engine, running around]

Wooldoor:
[offscreen] I feared Clara would keep me a cripple forever. If only I could tell someone what she was doing.

Foxxy:
Hey, Clara. Hey, Wooldoor. How is your healthy patient-Nurse relationship?

Wooldoor:
Clara's been poisoning--mmf!

Foxxy:
What's that?

Clara:
Foxxy, look behind you! It's Denzel Washington!

Foxxy:
Denzel! Oh! Where did Denzel go? I guess Denzel musta have an appointment or something, Denzel very busy.

Clara:
Uh, look, Foxxy! Denzel came back!

Foxxy:
Denzel! Oh, I missed again! He'd moved quickly. Denzel in excellent physical condition.

[Wooldoor's eyes is blinking with some beeping noises]

Foxxy:
Hey, I think Wooldoor's trying to communicate through blinkin'.

Clara:
Look, Foxxy! Denzel came back for an unbelievable third time!

Foxxy:
Denzel!

Denzel Washington:
Hello there, Foxxy. Clara's trying keep Wooldoor...

Clara:
Foxxy, look out in the hall! It's another Denzel Washington, with two penises!

Foxxy:
Double-dong Denzel!

Clara:
Goodbye, asshole! [she pushes Denzel Washington out to the window breaks and he falls] It's just you and me now, Wooldoor. No one's going to save you.

Foxxy:
Wait a minute, Clara. There ain't nobody in that hallway but triple dong Wesley Snipes. What is going on here?

Clara:
What are you so happy about? Have you seen how fat you are?

Toot:
Oh, Clara. You're just jealous cause all my dreams have come true.

Clara:
You're never going to be happy until you have a dream that has depth and importance. Like having beautiful hair like mine.

Clara:
[screams] WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME!?

Spanky:
Clara, you don't look so good. Have you put on weight?

Clara:
No, Toot stole my beautiful, beautiful hair!

Toot:
I didn't steal it, I just woke up with your hair attractively stapled to my scalp.

Clara:
I'm gonna have those Jew producers throw you out of this house forever!

Xandir:
Hero using assault rifles and armour-piercing bullets to hunt? Don't you think that's a bit excessive?

Captain Hero:
Screw you all! It's my right to use these weapons anyway I please, and nothing is going to change my mind.

[doorbell rings]

Bambi:
You killed my mother!

Captain Hero:
Sucks to be you!

Bambi:
(cries) I'm so sad and so cute! I miss mommy!

Captain Hero:
I know, broham, but I was just hunting. Ever since the prehistoric cave Jews hunted down Jesusaurses, slaughtering defenceless creatures has been our nation's pastime.

Bambi:
I'm not saying you need to stop hunting…

Captain Hero:
Bitchin'!

Bambi:
But using assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets is just not fair.

Captain Hero:
Huh?

Bambi:
Just give us a fighting chance, Mr. Hero. Maybe mommy would have lived! (crying)

Bambi:
Oh, friends?! Oh, friends?! Gather round! I have some stupendous news for all of us. I was able to convince Mr. Hero to rid the world of all assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets.

[deers cheering]

Bambi:
That's right, loyal servants, our plan is working. And now, the war begins!

Bambi:
Guess again! It's me, Bambi!

Captain Hero:
Just because I'm dating your mother it doesn't mean we have to hang out all the time.

Bambi:
You humans have hunted us since the dawn of time. And now, it is our turn to hunt you! Attack!

Foxxy:
[In confessional] So I was all alone at the dance. And worse, the meteor was about to smash into the Earth! And if the movie "Deep Impact" had anything to go by, the whole planet was about to become boring and unwatchable.

Foxxy:
Captain Hero, you got to stop that meteor!

Captain Hero:
Can't you see I'm already one knuckle deep into fifth base?

[Clara sexually moaning]

Captain Hero:
Shoo! (he pushes Foxxy)

[Everyone laughing]

Foxxy:
That's it! [in microphone] Hold up, everybody! Now I know y'all think Captain Hero is real cool.

[Everyone agreed-talking]

Foxxy:
But he ain't.

[Everyone disagreed-talking]

Foxxy:
I don't know what I was thinking. I fooled y'all into thinking Hero was cool by pretending to be his girlfriend so he would stop that meteor!

[Everyone gasps]

Captain Hero:
Wait! I can explain!

Steve from Long Island:
Oh, really? Then explain this now. (tears off Hero's Lando costume)

Captain Hero:
Spanky? Clara? Steve from Long Island? [goes over to Xandir and Wooldoor] Oh, hey, man. You were right. The cool kids are assholes.

Xandir:
You shit on my house, man.

Captain Hero:
I know, I know.

Xandir:
You shit on my house!

Captain Hero:
Yeah, you said that already.

[Lyrics to Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie]