ER, Season 1

Benton:
Do you know how to start an IV?

Carter:
Uh, actually, no.

Benton:
I thought you were third year.

Carter:
I am, but all I've done is dermatology and psychiatry.

Benton:
The well-dressed specialties, huh?

Mark:
See, there's two kinds of doctors. The kind that gets rid of their feelings. And the kind that keeps them. If you're going to keep your feelings, you're going to get sick from time to time. That's just how it works.

Mark:
…by the way, I went to medical school with Dr. Benton. He used to get sick all the time. So, don't let him give you any crap. You'll be fine.

Ross:
(to the mother of a battered baby) How dare you treat your child like this? He's a little kid! I try to be understanding in my job, but lady, this just stinks.

Susan:
Mr. Parker, if there's one thing you learn in my job, it's that nothing is certain. Nothing that seems very bad and nothing that seems very good. Nothing is certain. Nothing.

Benton:
(having first spotted Carter) Oh, no! Would you look at this?

Mark:
That's the first tailored white coat I've ever seen.

Benton:
Isn't he lovely?

Susan:
Lovely.

Mark:
Do you think he knows anything?

Ross:
He knows how to dress.

Patient:
Are you married?

Susan:
No, I'm a doctor.

Dr. Morgenstern:
The unit's looking to you, Mark. You set the tone.

Benton:
[Carter memorizes and gives him a H&P on a patient] Mother's maiden name?

Haleh:
He's kidding.

Mark:
[about Carol's suicide attempt] It's not your fault, Doug. You're going to have to forgive yourself sooner or later.

Doug:
I thought you were some kind of saint. I was going to start calling you Mahatma.

[Earlier in the show, Carol attempted suicide by overdosing on barbituates.]

Carol:
I'm here to unload that new shipment of barbituates.

Jerry:
At least you didn't kill off your sense of humor.

Carol:
No, just a few brain cells.

Carter:
You ever get used to this?

Benton:
Used to what?

Carter:
Going on three hours sleep.

Benton:
Anything more than three hours and I'm sluggish all day.

Mark:
I was embraced by two men today. I find that highly unusual.

Susan:
Some guys have all the luck.

Walt:
[to Benton] No, don't hand me that OR crap, already know how important your job is compared to the small events of my life.

Sam:
How's your heart?

Mark:
Pretty good shape.

Sam:
Want to lend it to me for the weekend? Naw. You got better things to do with it. Do 'em all. You never know when you'll get the chance.

Carter:
What's he doing?

Susan:
Practicing one-handed knots. He'd do it with his teeth if he could.

Benton:
No I wouldn't. You can't wear a glove on your teeth.

Sarah:
My mom says my dad's gonna die.

Mark:
Yes, he is.

Sarah:
Why can't you fix him?

Mark:
We can't fix everything.

Susan:
At your age Ryan Sandberg was retired.

Doug:
At my age Mozart was dead.

Mark:
Jerry, if this guy's still here in the morning, why don't we get some shovels and bury him in the parking lot.

Rachel:
Did you make him all better?

Benton:
Who?

Rachel:
The boy in the green room.

Benton:
[to Mark] The gunshot victim.

Mark:
They tried really hard, Rachel. But he died.

Rachel:
Will his mommy be sad?

Mark:
Very sad.

Rachel:
[to Benton] Are you sad?

Benton:
Yeah.

Rachel:
If you're sad, why aren't you crying?

[Benton kneels beside Rachel.]

Benton:
I am. [touches Rachel's heart.] Right here.

Rachel:
If I got hurt, would you fix me?

Mark:
Yes, I would.

Rachel:
You wouldn't let me die?

Rachel:
My daddy's your doctor.

Kanesha:
He helped me be better.

Rachel:
[whispers] That's what doctors do.

[A car has slammed through the ER doors.]

Doug:
Jerry, call security. Somebody's in my parking space.

Mark:
We're going to have to do a lumbar puncture. You ever done one?

Carter:
Uh no, but I've seen it done.

Mark:
See One, Do One, Teach One.

Mae Benton :
Carter? You got people in Tennessee?

Carter:
On my father's side.

Mae Benton :
I think his people owned our people.

Doug:
I'm not a grownup doctor.

Lydia:
We all know that, but everyone else's busy.

[Carol is pushing a biker in a wheelchair.]

Carol:
You know what we call motorcycles around here, Ace?

Patient:
No. What?

Carol:
Donor-cycles.

Patient:
[laughs] Donor-cycles. I like that.

Carol:
You would.

Morgenstern:
How are we doing?

Doug:
One step ahead of the Reaper.

Morgenstern:
Thats all you can ask for.

Carter:
Oh God, I killed Santa.

Doug:
[to Carol] Tell him that you don't love me. Tell him that you don't think about me when you're with him.

Hicks:
When I was a resident, I was always worried about getting people's approval, the attendings', the patients', maybe because I was a woman, a black woman. Life was a lot easier once I got over it. Don't let the patients get to you, Dr. Lewis. We treat them as soon as we can and there's no need to apologize for how long it takes. We are a busy hospital, not a restaurant.

[Deb Chen is performing a rectal.]

Carter:
How's it going in there, Deb?

Chen:
I'm stuck.

Carter:
Deb?

Chen:
Yes?

Carter:
Did you use a lubricant?

Chen:
Was I supposed to?

Morgenstern:
That's what I love about you, Peter: Naked ambition tempered by arrogance.

Haleh:
[discussing Deb's examination of an unconscious Carter] The term isn't average male genitalia, it's normal male genitalia.

Doug:
[talking about Linda Farrell] Serious? Our longest phone conversation is "Get over here."

Carter:
You ever put in a foley?

[Deb shakes her head.]

Carter:
You're in for a treat.

Mark:
[in a noisy helicopter] Hell of a life isn't it?

Paramedic:
What?

Mark:
Its a hell of a life.

[The paramedic points to his ear.]

Mark:
I said, I want to have sex with your wife.

[The paramedic gives a thumbs up.]