Eureka, Season 1

[While driving.]

Zoe Carter:
Listen-- dog.

Jack Carter:
No, you listen, home girl--

Zoe:
[pointing] No, dog!

Zoe:
What if you don't make it back? I'll be stuck in here like those guys in the plane who had to eat each other.

Carter:
You're right.

Zoe:
I know.

Carter:
Here. Here's some ketchup. Start at your feet, work your way up.

Carter:
How long've you been in the tow business?

Henry Deacon:
Oh, I don't do this for a living, I do this for fun! I just always liked fixing things. I was, uh, an engineer, back in the day.

Carter:
As in trains?

Henry:
Space shuttles.

Beverly Barlowe:
Will your wife be joining you?

Carter:
My wife? Oh, umm. [holds up hand with ring] Not likely. We're separated.

Beverly:
Was it the sex?

Carter:
Excuse me?

Beverly:
Well, it's a common problem in long term relationships. People get bored, they want to experiment sexually, and they don't know how to express their needs.

Carter:
Well, not that sharing my sex life with a total stranger doesn't sound like loads of fun, uh, at the moment my needs are a nap and a shower.

Carter:
Deputy, where is the sheriff?

Jo Lupo:
Can't you see I'm busy?

Carter:
Ummm... Honestly?

Jo:
You wanna know where the sheriff is? He's out on police business. Which is where I should be, instead of babysitting Felon Spice here.

Zoe:
Hey!

Jo:
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna stop doing your job, and start doing mine.

Carter:
What're you doing out of your cell?

Zoe:
I'm getting take-out for me and Jo. Turns out we have a lot in common.

Carter:
Like what?

Zoe:
Like fighting an oppressive patriarchal society to express our feminine power.

Allison:
I still don't get it.

Carter:
What's that?

Allison:
Susan committing suicide. I mean, I know it sounds callous, but I don't care how bad things are, once you have a kid, you don't get to just... check out.

Carter:
Well, my daughter Zoe said pretty much the same thing to me when I told her I was being transferred to Eureka.

Allison:
Taking your life and taking a job are hardly the same thing.

Carter:
In this town? Not so sure.

Carter:
You two have a history.

Allison:
You could say that.

Carter:
Old boyfriend?

Allison:
Not exactly.

Carter:
Then, what exactly?

Allison:
He's my husband.

Carter:
It's not like we have a standard form to "undead" you.

Jo:
Ahem.

Carter:
Tell me you're kidding.

Jo:
924/B. In triplicate.

Nathan Stark:
There was an electrical problem with the computers, and then I saw something. A figure.

Carter:
Are you saying someone was in your office?

Stark:
Not someone. Something. It wasn't entirely corporeal.

Carter:
Corporeal?

Stark:
Physical. There and not there at the same time.

Carter:
Are you saying you saw a ghost?

Stark:
Sheriff. Director of Research of the most advanced scientific facility in the world doesn't see ghosts.

Stark:
So, you sleeping with her?

Carter:
Excuse me?

Stark:
You said I'd gotten the wrong impression. I assumed you were talking about my wife. Not that I have any right to ask--

Carter:
You're right, you don't.

Stark:
You're not. But you'd like to.

Carter:
I'll let you know if I get anywhere. With the ghost, I mean.

Carter:
Tell me Henry, you're a scientist, do you believe in ghosts?

Henry:
Well, I believe in energy. When somebody dies, that energy has to go somewhere. So, theoretically I suppose it's possible.

Carter:
I went back to check some of my own, personal files, and they've been classified. I mean, my files.

Allison:
(grinning) It's not my fault that there are things about yourself that you're just not cleared to know.

Carter:
Yeah, I'd hate to stumble across something that if I told me, I'd have to kill me.

Allison:
You think agents of a foreign government would be after your underwear?

Carter:
Maybe. I can pretty up when I want to.

Carter:
How are you so strong?!

Jo:
I'm small...but I'm scrappy.

Zoe:
I was up all night reading Shakespeare!

Carter:
Uh-huh. You're really into the school play, huh?

Zoe:
Yeah, you know, um, I think drama club is really helping me find myself... emotionally. Um, I feel like I'm really starting to fit in.

Carter:
How many classes do you get to skip for rehearsal?

Zoe:
Last period every day, including geometry. Love drama.

Jo :
My mom used to make my costumes.

Carter:
You used to do theater?

Jo:
Believe it or not, Carter, I didn't have childhood dreams of becoming a commando.

Carter:
So you went from being told to break a leg, to actually breaking them?

Carter:
We're being Puck-ed with.

Jo:
You're argument is so strong its almost petty of me to ask: how?

Carter:
He's got a thing.

Jo:
A thing

Carter:
Yeah. A-a-a gizmo, a device. Has to be a device.

Jo:
Do you have a piece of device-oriented evidence?

Carter:
I figured it all out. I know what you're up to.

Jason Anderson:
In regards to...?

Carter:
I know that you have a device that can...create a wormhole, or, uh, bend time, or make you invisible...or a wormholing, time-bending, invisibling device, that shields you from the mind.

Stark:
Yes, he said "invisibling".

[Carter struggles with Jason Anderson, though the others manage to pull him back.]

Carter:
[points] There. That's the device that invades your mind.

Jason:
It also starts my car. [shows ordinary car-keys]

[The group's watching a very loud movie.]

Jo:
(screaming) What's wrong with you people?! Turn it down!

Spencer Martin:
What? Why?

Jo:
Your neighbors are complaining about the noise.

Spencer:
Which neighbors?

Jo:
The state of Idaho! Turn. It. Down.

Taggart:
Vinnie, get Jo a beer.

Jo:
I'm on duty.

Taggart:
I can respect that. Like it to go?

Spencer:
Wow. I mean, that is like...

Fargo:
Unbelievable. Yet... believable.

Vincent:
Definitely.

Jim Taggart:
Like being there.

Jo:
Oh man, I've gotta go. Hey, you guys keep it down, okay?

Taggart:
We'll walk you out. You know, in case of alien invasion. Strength in numbers.

Jo:
Right.

Carter:
Henry, You don't believe in aliens, do you?

Henry:
No, I believe in Occam's Razor. It's the basis for methodological reductionism.

Carter:
... Oh, Yeah. So... still dizzy...

Henry:
Okay, so, given two equally predictive theories, you choose the one that has fewer assumptions. So, a tree falls after a storm. The first hypothesis holds that the tree was blown over by the storm. The second - rival hypothesis - claims that the storm forced an alien spaceship to cash into the tree. See?

Carter:
Y-no.

Carter:
Okay, who gave Fargo a gun?

Allison:
So everybody's okay?

Carter:
Oh no... they're freaking bug nuts! (to soldier) Restraints now!

Dr. Carl Carlson:
You're not Sheriff Cobb.

Carter:
Ah, no. Sheriff Cobb retired. I took his place. (awkward pause) There was a town meeting, and, uh, uh, everything. I gave a speech.

Carl:
I don't get out much.

Carter:
Yeah, I'm gathering.

Carter:
But since I'm here, what is your emergency, exactly?

Carl:
I have to get to work.

Carter:
You called 911 to bum a ride?

Carl:
Vincent! A beer.

Vincent:
Okay. But you don't drink alcohol and I don't serve you anymore since you brought in the health inspector.

Carl:
There was a fly in my soup.

Vincent:
You sensed a fly in your soup.

Carl:
I may have overreacted.

Carter:
This ion beam thingy, that is what, exactly?

Henry:
Irradiated uranium isotopes.

Fargo:
Oh God!

Carter:
Oh death ray. Why didn't you just say "death ray"?

[...]

Henry:
I searched your entire database and there's not one single record of silos or irradiated isotopes or ionosphere particles.

Carter:
Did you try "death ray"?

Dr. Irving Thatcher:
If you want sex, reverse the hex.

Stark:
Sheriff, at any point when you picked him up, the car ride, the long walk down here, happen to notice this guy's not all there?

Carter:
Yeah, there may have been signs.

Carter:
[Reading memorial plaque on wall while strapped into an experimental chair] "In memory of Skippy."

Allison:
Oh, he was everyone's favorite test chimp.

Carter:
Did he die on this thing!?

Allison:
No! The autopsy was inconclusive.

Carter:
I don't know what's going on, but my gut says its bad.

Taggart:
His guts should have told you that.

Carter:
Okay, let's say someone literally is speed-freaking. Uh, what signs would I look for?

Henry:
Besides running at 600 miles an hour?

Carter:
Put the gun down, Dylan.

Dylan:
Why? So I can go to jail for the rest of my life?

Zoe:
Damn straight!

Carter:
Not helping!

Carter:
This is obstruction of justice.

Zoe:
How do you figure?

Carter:
You're making me late for work.

Jo:
(Kisses Raynes) That's for coming back... (punches him) and that's for leaving

Jo:
[on radio] S2 to S1. Repeat S2 to S1, over.

Carter:
Jo, its just you and me you can feel free to be a little less formal. [Radio silence] Over.

Jo:
There's an electrical problem at Osbourne's farm on the way into town, over.

Carter:
See was that so hard?

Callister Raynes:
You didn't say over.

Carter:
I know, it's gonna bug her all day long.

Zoe:
(about seeing Beverly) Actually, my Dad's making me go here. Apparently I have "issues" with "authority" and "listening" and... I don't know, other stuff. I wasn't really paying attention, so...

Allison:
You okay?

Jo:
It's just my luck right? All the good ones are either gay, married, or robots.

Fargo:
(while Stark is testing his invention) Why are you trying to access my file?

Stark:
To see if you're remotely qualified to be tapping into my cerebral cortex.

Carter:
Yeah, that's what I thought.

Allison:
What?

Carter:
It's really creepy in there.

Allison:
That's some really sharp police work Carter.

Carter:
It's well documented Allison. A siesta works. It increases worker satisfaction and productivity and it is a dying art.

Allison:
Napping is not an art.

Carter:
Well, you haven't seen me nap, I take it to a whole new level.

Fargo:
I'm sure you did a great job in the last town you worked in-

Carter:
America, Fargo. I was a US Marshal, America was my last town.

Stark:
Wake me when it's over.

Allison:
Reminds me of the last time we slept together.

Carter:
Ooh!

Stark:
At least you can remember it.

Carter:
[into phone] Hey, uh, Allison, it's Jack. Listen, um, people are acting a little weird and we...well, frankly you're acting a little weird. Um, but, we should really get together and sort this out before it gets any worse.

Jo:
[manhandling Seth into the station] Caught him trying to burn down Fargo's house.

Carter:
[still into phone] Too late.

Jo:
You're no fun.

Carter:
You know what'd be fun?

Jo:
Ice skating!

Carter:
Never mind.

[Allison is trying to seduce Carter]

Carter:
I can't.

Allison:
[glances down, amused] Really? [looks down again]

Carter:
Oh, no, I mean, I can! I'm fully capable.

Carter:
Taggart.

Taggart:
Mm?

Carter:
You're naked.

Taggart:
Au Naturale.

Carter:
May I ask why?

Taggart:
Why not?

Zoe:
The school's completely out of control. Kids in fights, making out in the hallways, teachers apathetic.

Carter:
So, more like normal school, then.

Zoe:
Exactly.

Carter:
[armed with a flamethrower] Unless you want me to roast your chestnuts, back off!

Taggart:
[naked and armed with a shovel] You wouldn't dare.

Carter:
Try me.

[Taggart drops his shovel and runs off screaming]

Allison:
All I know is that there is something inside Section 5, something Nathan's obsessed with. Something that he thinks will change the world.

Carter:
Of course, it's incredibly dangerous.

Allison:
Have you ever known anything to change the world that wasn't?

Carter:
Velcro.

Stark:
Fargo, please tell me you laid in a back door?

Fargo:
I'd really, really like to?

Henry:
Fargo turns a relic of war into something beautiful and life affirming and then gets chastised, because it's actually trying to help us avert disaster.

Stark:
He got chastised, because it's holding us hostage!

Fargo:
SARAH's gone HAL on us!

Jo:
Hey, what's this?

Taggart:
Nothing. Gotta go. Carter needs us.

Jo:
You designed a paintball battle plan?

Taggart:
Give me that. You know, you are in clear violation of the paintball rules of engagement.

Jo:
Me? You've got a regiment of splatter-bots ready to assault my rear flank.

Taggart:
Oh, you'll know when I assault your rear flank.

Fargo:
When I'm stressed my subtext comes out as text.

Taggart:
Smart mice. IQ's through the roof. Little varmints used vector formulas to keep me off their tracks.

Jo:
How'd you catch them?

Taggart:
Smart cheese.

Carter:
In a town full of super geniuses, why is it that the pizza guy is the only guy with the presence of mind to walk out the door?!

Henry:
I'm leaving Eureka, because I'm tired of watching noble ideas being turned into weapons, and here we are, here we are at the mercy of a weapon that had been turned into a noble idea.

Zoe:
[during her graduation speech] Thank you for making me and my dad a part of your family. I promise to do my share of the chores, and I'll try not to blow up the world if you don't.

[While watching an autopsy]

Allison:
I'm craving red meat.

Carter:
That's just wrong.

Allison:
Beef jerky.

Carter:
Okay seriously, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Walter Perkins:
Besides, part of my sentence is no technology above a class 2 rating. Hell, I had to file for special dispensation just to get that Xbox. It's only a 360.

Fargo:
How much longer? I have to get going.

Kim Deacon:
Why? Got a hot date?

Fargo:
I date.

Kim:
Okay.

Fargo:
I do.

Kim:
I believe you.

Fargo:
No, I don't.

Kim:
I know.

Sheriff Cobb:
(on the phone) Are you sure you counted right? Ok I'll be right over. (To Jo) that was Ned carver he claims that aliens have abducted some of his cattle again.

Jo:
Tell me him to call me when they move on to anal probes.... wait that didn't come our right.