Family Guy, Season 17

[Brian chats with Jess]

Jess:
Tell me about it. He called me a dick earlier. [slides one of her cups to Brian] I'm Jess.

Brian:
Thanks! I'm Brian. Well Jess, bottoms up!

Jess:
If you're lucky.

Brian:
So this place... ah, worse than Syria, don't you think?

Jess:
Yes! Everything about it is awful: the people, the music... [say it with Brian] if you can call it music.

Brian:
Oh my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time!

Jess:
[giggles] I like you, Brian! You say what's on your mind.

Brian:
Hey, life's too short, right?

[after Jess choked on her nachos to death]

Brian:
Oh, my God. Somebody call 911! ["9-1-1" series ad pops up] Damn it, Fox! That's not an invitation to ruin our moment to expand your media empire! ["Empire" ad pops up, sighs] Son of Zorn. [fatal error message shows up] Ha.

Stewie:
We may have taken this too far.

Brian:
I'm warning you if you kill me, the internet's gonna freak out.

Lois:
Oh, Meg. You have to babysit Stewie, Saturday.

Meg:
Nope.

Lois:
Okay. Chris, you have to do it.

Chris:
What? That's not fair. I have a party to go to.

Lois:
Sorry, Meg found pictures on your father's computer and she's blackmailing us. She can do what she wants until we get some dirt on her.

Meg':
I didn't know it was supposed to be hard before I took the picture.

[Peter finds that Lois has tricked him into attending a self-empowerment seminar]

Peter:
You lied to me! You said we were going to Baskin-Robbins!

Lois:
I said we were going to bask in Robbin's glow.

Peter:
[accusingly] You know what you did.

Lois:
I do.

Stewie:
This is a drone. Grown men, who have never had sexual relations fly them over to people's houses to try and… see something. I don't know.

Tony Robbins:
All of you here are capable of greatness.

Bruce:
[offscreen] Yaaaay!

Tony Robbins:
But some will never achieve it.

Bruce:
[offscreen] Oh no!

Peter:
Your head is the size of a picnic watermelon.

Tony Robbins:
Ha! I've been told that.

Peter:
And you sound like you were lost at sea, and told not to drink seawater, but drank seawater.

Tony Robbins:
Peter, I was once a lot like you. Unmotivated, dangerously obese, always relying on cutaways…

Peter:
You know, that reminds me of the time-

Tony Robbins:
No, Peter! No more cutaways! Stay in the present!

Peter:
Tony Robbins has helped me become a better person. In fact, today, I’m gonna ask for—nay, DEMAND—a raise.

Lois:
"Nay"? Wow! This new you is a bigger surprise than when they're making fun of a celebrity on Saturday Night Live, and the real life celebrity walks in behind them.

[cutaway to Peter and Lois watching TV in the living room]

Lois:
Oh-ho-ho, boy, they're really socking it to the celebrity.

Peter:
[laughing] Yeah, can you imagine how mad the celebrity would be? I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment, if they're watching, they must be…

[Peter and Lois gasp in shock]

Lois:
[laughing excitedly] That's the actual celebrity walking up right behind them!

Peter:
He… he's catching 'em right in the act! The… the SNL actor doesn’t know! Oh, he's gonna get in trouble! Look how mad the actual celebrity is! He's folding his arms and frowning!

Lois:
[pats Peter's shoulder] He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder!! [grabs Peter and shakes him] Look how surprised the SNL actor is!!

Peter:
[shakes his legs excitedly] AAAHHH, HE'S COMPLETELY BUSTED!!!

Lois:
[cackles maniacally] HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?

[Peter smashes his beer on the floor, then he and Lois proceed to throw and smash the living room declarations while hollering and hooting before Meg comes downstairs with a flamethrower]

Meg I WAS WATCHING UPSTAIRS ON HULU!!! [sets fire to the couch and throws it over]

[Brian crashes his Prius through the window, which sends him through the car's windshield onto its hood]

Brian:
[holds up his phone] I SAW IT ON MY PHONE!!!

[Quagmire crashes his plane through the ceiling]

Quagmire:
MY PLANE HAS WI-FI!!!

Gilbert Gottfried:
DOG WHISTLE! DOG WHISTLE! WHERE ARE YOU, DOG?!

Stewie:
Wait a minute. This doesn't feel right. What button did you hit?

Brian:
That one. The tiny button.

Stewie:
Wait, did you press the tiny button or the button that says "tiny"?

Brian:
I hit the button that says "tiny". You said, "hit the tiny button".

Stewie:
Exactly! I didn't say "hit the big button that says 'tiny'"! I said, "hit the tiny button"! The one you pressed is gonna shrink us down to microscopic size!

Brian:
Well, why would you make the tiny button big?

Stewie:
I had to make it big enough to write "tiny" on it!

Lois:
You bought Vine and shut it down.

Chris:
I did what?

Lois:
You bought Vine and shut it down.

Chris:
I did what?

Lois:
You bought Vine and shut it down.

Chris:
I did what?

Kevin:
More appetizer?

Meg:
No thanks, cauliflower gives me the scoots.

Principal Shepherd:
Parents of a failing student, say what?

Peter:
What?

Lois:
No, Peter, wait!

Principal Shepherd:
Nope. Too late. He said it. I'm marking it. [Principal Shepherd goes to a chalkboard, where he gives himself a tally mark] Didn't get The Wus. They're very smart. Asian. Maybe they didn't understand me. I don't know.

Chris:
[rapping] Alexander Hamilton was white!

Lois:
Why, Meg, don't you look pretty today?

Meg:
Thanks, Mom.

Stewie:
She's gonna ask you for something.

Judgy Sitcom Mom #1:
Oh hi, Lois. Gosh, I just love how you always look so comfortable.

Judgy Sitcom Mom #2:
I know. Are those pajamas?

Judgy Sitcom Mom #3:
And I'm the black one, for unrealistic diversity.

Chris:
I can't believe I have to go to vocational school. Does this mean that I'm a failure?

Lois:
No, sweetie. It means that we're failures.

Teacher:
Alright, settle down, ya yuks. We got a new student, Chris Griffin. So, everyone gives him an Ayyy!

Students:
Ayyy!

Teacher:
Look at that. Your first day and you got all Ayyys!

[husband uses the bathroom and goes back to bed, without washing his hands]

Wife:
[yawns] Did you wash your hands?

Husband:
Yeah.

[Meg is sitting on the couch and Peter walks in]

Peter:
Alright, time for Bethany Frankel. America's favorite chattering pirate skeleton.

[Peter sits down on Meg]

Meg:
Dad! Dad, get off me! Get off me, Dad!

Meg:
[telling her family about the Olympic team] I'm a bi...

Stewie:
Knew it.

Meg:
...athlete.

Stewie:
Didn't know it.

Lois:
What are you up to?

Lois:
Peter, I need you to mow the lawn. It's out of control.

Peter:
I can't mow the lawn, Lois. The Friends of Distinction are out there, Grazing in the Grass.

[Cleveland falls asleep on the toilet]

Donna:
[offscreen] Cleveland? Are you okay in there? Cleveland!

[Cleveland wakes up]

Cleveland:
What? Uh...yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Mmmm, that was a good toilet dream about my neighbor and his lawn.

Peter:
Now, to start the mower, you grab this pull cord like so, and give it a nice hard yank.

[Chris tries pulling the cord, but it doesn't work]

Chris:
Can I change my grip?

[Chris pulls the cord in a way that emulates jacking off and the lawnmower starts]

Peter:
Wow, much better.

Chris:
It's a more familiar motion.

Chris:
Did you know Corey got recruited by ISIS? He disappeared, and now this guy is doing ISIS videos and they think it's Corey.

[Chris pulls up one of Corey's ISIS videos]

Corey:
Assalamu alaikum, guys, this is Corey! Here to talk about making a dirty bomb with stuff you can find in your kitchen!

[Herbert explodes]

Chris:
Well, he often said he wanted to explode all over me. He finally did.

Brian:
There she is, the wealthiest heiress in all of Newport. The holy grail for guys like us.

Stewie:
Who is she?

Brian:
That's Margaret Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trapp Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.

Stewie:
[gasps] My God! You mean, the heir to the Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trap Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis fortune?

Brian:
Exactly. She goes by "Pip".

Stewie:
Pip?

Brian:
Pip.

Peter:
[eulogizing Angela] I may have lost a boss, but Heaven has gained a princess...

Bert:
Attention, everyone. Do not adjust your TV sets. We are an interracial couple.

[Peter refers to the interracial couple]

Peter:
Two sets of disappointed parents, right there.

Shelia:
Now that Angela's no longer with us, we will be your new bosses.

Bert:
We're splitting the job because one of the shareholder's favorite songs was "Ebony and Ivory".

Bert:
Now some of you might find the idea of two bosses, unconventional, but...

Shelia:
We.

Bert:
Assure.

Shelia:
You.

Bert:
Nothing.

Shelia:
Will.

Bert:
Be.

Shelia:
Different.

Joe:
Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?

Quagmire:
Joe, who don't you shut the...

[Peter puts his arm on Quagmire's chest]

Stewie:
Tell me more about this silly word.

Cleveland:
You might have a g-g-g-g-disembodied spirit in your house!

[see Ivanka Trump for the first time]

Meg:
Holy girl boner!

Stewie:
Dad's working for the Trump White House?

[cut to Stewie in his recording booth]

Director:
Uh, hey Stewie? Could we do that again? Maybe a little more energy?

Stewie:
[sips coffee] Uh, no?

Director:
I... I think we can use it.

Stewie:
[sarcastic] Oh, hey. That's awesome.

[Peter and Donald Trump walk through The White House]

Peter:
Wow, The White House is great. There's no wonder you spend two days a week here.

Stewie:
Post Raisin Bran: like Kellogg's, but worse!

Robot Brian:
Whoa! Ass ahoy!

Cleveland:
Joe, what are you eating your ice cream out of?

Joe:
They ran out of those batting helmets, so they're serving it in athletic cups.

Meg:
I'm using the ladies' room. How bad could it be? [goes into the ladies' room, a girlish scream is heard, and Peter exits] I saw a mouse.

Chris:
[referring to Stewie's lyric in the Theme Song] I swear, he says the F word.

[Quagmire frantically hands Courtney a cotton swab to conduct a DNA test]

Quagmire:
Here, rub this up and on the inside of your cheek

Quagmire and Courtney:
Giggity!

Quagmire:
Ahhh! Stop staying that!

Brian:
For you kids out there, DVDs were plastic discs…

Stewie:
I... I got this, Brian. Have you ever been at your grandmother's house, and you look at her weird old computer and there's like a crack on the side of it? That's DVDs.

Brian:
From the moment we arrived, I've either been drunk or ejaculating.

Stewie:
These are things you don't say to a baby.

Peter:
Ugh. I can't believe you dragged me to The Flow. This is gonna suck.

Stewie:
Oh, knock it off. It's not gonna be that bad. Besides, I couldn't leave you at home. The last time I did that, the kids walked in on you looking at internet corn.

Brian:
Peter, that's your 50th bag. What could possibly be in there?

Peter:
Oh, have you not heard?

Stewie:
Brian, no!

[Peter plays his damage "Surfin' Bird" record, his dancing glitches along with the music]

Brian:
Wait a minute, didn't we destroy that?

Peter:
I glued it. Surfin' Bird, ahh, ahh, ahh, finds a way.