Family Guy, Season 18

Peter:
What's the big emergency? Why did everyone have to come in on Monday?

Bert:
The internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe.

Peter:
So is Derek Jeter safe?

[Umpire enters]

Umpire:
Safe! He's half black!

Bert:
Hey, there PG. Been a minute.

Peter:
Hey, Ernie. Uh, I mean Bert! Bert, sorry.

Meg:
I gotta say, Dad. I had reservations about this cruise, but you do seem more relaxed.

Peter:
Hey, good thing I had reservations on this cruise, huh?

Lois:
Go, Stewie! Ha, isn't this exciting?

Peter:
Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneeling during the National Anthem.

[Kyle Kaepernick kneels during the National Anthem]

Peter:
Boo! Get on your feet!

[Kyle Kaepernick stands up]

Peter:
Boo! Down in front!

Brian:
It's a meaningless event. Like a bar mitzvah.

[cutaway to a boy's bar mitzvah]

Rabbi:
Today, you are a man.

Boy:
Great! Can I drive?

Rabbi:
No.

Boy:
Can I vote?

Rabbi:
No.

Boy:
Can I drink?

Rabbi:
No.

Boy:
Can I have sex?

Rabbi:
No.

Boy:
Can I cash the checks?

Rabbi:
Yes!

Peter:
Do you have oysters?

Waiter:
We do not.

Peter:
Ah, shucks.

[Stewie wears a medal he won in a race]

Stewie:
Hey, Brian, you don't have a metal detector on you, do you?

Peter:
Okay, when I read your name, please respond with a "here". Griffin, Mac.

Meg:
It's Meg.

Peter:
Sorry, it looks like Mac. Griffin, Liam.

Lois:
It's Lois.

Peter:
Again, please respond with "here".

Peter:
That woman looks exactly like me.

Meg:
That's your reflection, Dad.

Peter:
Oh ... I'm beautiful.

Quagmre:
You! You son of a bitch! This is all your fault!

Peter:
This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told … The Mighty Ducks. It was a time of great nonsense,...

Meg:
Dad, why don't you tell us how you and mom fell in love and got married?

Chris:
And in go the earbuds.

Quagmire:
I got a promotion at Blockbuster!

[everyone claps like in the theme song of Friends]

Peter:
Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news.

Quagmire:
I know, right? Do you know how I always felt like I was stuck in second gear? Well, this is new gear!

[Peter rants about the "fountain dancing" in the theme song of Friends]

Peter:
It was senseless. We were in our clothes for God's sake. Everyone got wet. It was cold. You know, there were originally nine friends, but three of them died of pneumonia. I'm still haunted by Chad's shivering last words, "Don't let Monica get Botox."

Joe:
So, you partying hard, or hardly partying?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Hardly interested.

Joe:
You're mean!

Meg:
Dad and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I'm not sure that a 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook. [Peter gets a notification] Mom. Don't "like" that!

Lois:
We're having people over! I just got off the phone with my mom and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving.

Peter:
I can't believe you invited the whole family. You know I hate big Thanksgiving.

Lois:
Don't worry, Peter. It's gonna be fun and I can handle most of the prep, myself. I just need you to go to the market and get some extra napkins.

Peter:
That's not so bad.

Lois:
Oh, and pick up some wine for the adults.

Peter:
I can do that.

Lois:
And put the extra leaf on the dining room table.

Stewie:
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Joe:
Bonnie's sister is married to a real show-off.

[cutaway to Bonnie's sister visiting]

Bonnie:
Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.

[Wendell enters, being a man with ALS]

Joe:
Wendell.

Wendell:
Joseph.

Joe:
It's just Joe, I think you know that.

[Brian tries to explain Meg's orgasm after seeing Stewie's picture]

Brian:
Wow, okay, uh...Stewie. I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her "little mermaid Moana".

(Meg discovers that Peter is working as a mall Santa)

Meg:
Dad, I'm going to ask you one question, and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?

Peter:
No.

Meg (relieved):
Oh, thank God!

Peter:
Now, Meg, I got a question for you: is there really a weight limit for the escalator, or did I just meet some mean kids?

[Peter names off things he'll have to be responsible for when Meg gets arrested while Joe tries to encourage him to find a good one to finish on]

Joe:
So long, bitchy 2AM blanket pulls.

Peter:
Ahhh, there we go.

Meg:
(bleeps) Dad.

Stewie:
Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.

Brian:
It's they.

Stewie:
Good for they.

Joanna:
I'm getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish... but he doesn't speak Spanish! [laughs]

Stewie:
Oh-ho-ho-ho! He's not gonna know what it says! Oh, you're bad.

Mort:
Go on! Scoot! Get out of here! Or I'll do the cliché pharmacy price check jokes.

Brian:
You wouldn't dare.

Mort:
[over the intercom] Yes, I need a price check on extra small condoms!

Joanna:
[laughs] That's the last thing he'd wanna announce! [laughs] Oh, God!

Brian:
How did you know what he was doing?

Stewie:
I read his book. "There is no greater motivation than the destruction of an enemy, and my enemy is Brian Griffin. One day, I will convince him to cut off his balls, and that will be my greatest accomplishment." You said his books changed your life, but you didn't even read them. This is why you're nothing.

[Peter and Lois try to calm down after a fight]

Lois:
Peter, I don't want to have to ground you! You're my husband, and I just don't want you to lie to me!

Peter:
I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid!

Lois:
Act like a man, and I'll stop treating you like a kid.

Peter:
Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.

Lois:
What?

[a hot shirtless guy walks into the room]

Shape-Shifting Valet:
Sir, you need to get ready for your lifetime achievement award ceremony.

Stewie:
Thank you, shape-shifting valet.

Shape-Shifting Valet:
Remember sir, I can be any shape you wish.

Stewie:
Yeah, but you're already this so.

Peter:
I love coming to the ballpark. Drunken Irish in front of a fishbowl of minorities. What could go wrong?

[Chris finds a container]

Chris:
Meg's estrogen supplements?

[Meg shows up with a beard and a deep voice]

Meg:
I'll take that, thank you.

Stewie:
Dad gave me a sip of beer. I'm gonna mention that to my teacher and it's gonna be a big problem.

Lois:
Hey, Bonnie. Who's on first?

Bonnie:
Who? The person's name or the pronoun?

Lois:
Ha. And it goes on like this.

Joe:
It's my day to shine.

Peter:
Huh?

Joe:
Yeah. A handicapped person at the ballpark. Ramps, private escort, meet the team.

Guy:
Is there a Joe Swanson?

[Peter throws Joe out of his wheelchair and sits in it]

Peter:
Right here!

[The guy takes Peter to meet the team]

Peter:
Meet me on that balcony.

Carter:
Where am I gonna get another coach?

[ Homer Simpson is shown in the audience]

Homer:
I'm on vacation!

Carter:
Ah, darn. That would have been funny.

[Peter calls Meg into his baseball player office]

Peter:
Hey, thanks for coming. Take a seat.

Meg:
What's up?

Peter:
[sigh] This is really the toughest part of the business, isn't it?

Meg:
Oh my God. Are you trading me?

Peter:
Looks, it's nothing personal. You've been very professional as a family member but ... here's the thing. We're sending you down to American Dad!.

Meg:
No! What? No!

Peter:
Well, they're not excited about it either. I guess I could call The Orville.

Meg:
[sigh] I'll do American Dad!.

Tom Tucker:
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, joined tonight by a very special guest, Channel 5's own Tom Tucker, Sr., who hasn't been on the air since 1964. Take it away, dad.

Tom Tucker, Sr.:
Thanks, Tom. More and more women are choosing to work outside the home. I call them prostitutes.

Tom Tucker:
And that's a wrap for Tom, Sr.

Chris:
I can't believe my dad's a hero.

Peter:
Oh, I'm no hero. I'm just a white guy doing what black people were already doing. In other words, a hero.

Brian:
I'm no different than my peers. Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandella, Dr. Martin Luther King, hey did you ever notice he has the names "Doc" and "Marty" in his name?

Stewie:
Let it go.

Brian:
Hello, Twitter.

[Brian tweets his joke and immediately gets a massive flood of replies]

Brian:
And I have to move out again.

TV Announcer:
We now return to Seinfeld, which keeps getting edited down more and more for syndication.

Soup Nazi:
NO SOUP FOR-

[Episode ends]

Peter:
Funny show.

Cleveland:
Welcome to Waquahog.

[Cleveland shows Peter the glorious view of Qaquahog]

Peter:
Oh my God. Why wasn't this The Cleveland Show?

Cleveland:
[lamenting] This entire episode would have been our season five premiere.

Leader of Waquahog:
Now LeBron's a Laker.

Cleveland:
A Laker's now LeBron.

Peter:
Yeah, that's not really working out.

Lois:
Well, I'm glad all that controversy is over and we got our old Peter back. But I kinda miss Meg.

Stewie:
Oh, yeah, that's right. She got traded to American Dad!.

Chris:
I hear she's doing great.

[Lois turns on the TV; the American Dad! intro starts, but with Meg sleeping in bed with Francine instead of Stan; Meg jumps out of bed and starts singing]

Meg:
Good morning, USA! Ba da ba da ba Stan's the dad and the alien's gay! And then there's a fish and a boy and a girl!

[Stan enters from the bathroom while in the middle of his shave]

Stan:
Hey! Shut up Meg!

Meg:
Oh. So it's just going to be the same?

Stan:
Yep.

Roger:
[entering the room] Yeah.

Priest:
Now, the bride and groom would like to share a moment of silence to honor the family members who have passed. They may not be with us in person but they are with us in spirit.

[Everyone shares a moment of silence]

Stewie:
Poo-poo!

Brian:
No! We do not touch poo-poo in this family! We do not touch poo-poo! No! Hands up! That's it. Now there are no bubbles later.

Stewie:
Yes! Bubbles!

Brian:
No bubbles. You lost the bubbles.

Stewie:
Yes! Bubbles!

Brian:
Maybe you can earn them back but as far as I'm concerned, you lost the bubbles. They're gone. They're probably gone.

Stewie:
Yay! Bubbles!

[The bride and groom give Brian a dirty look]

Brian:
[angry] WHAT?!

[Brian changes Stewie's form to try and set him back to normal]

Brian:
No. No. No.

[Stewie turns back to normal]

Stewie:
Brian, you did it!

Brian:
No.

[Brian changes Stewie again]

Brian:
OH, SHIT! SORRY! SHIT!

Brian:
Wish me luck, Flat Stanley. (leaves in Stewie's time machine)

Flat Stanley:
Or you could just call me "Stanley". Not make fun of my body.

Peter:
Nothing like drive-time radio to remind me that I don't make enough to afford satellite radio.

Weenie:
Hey! You're listening to WQHG 971 and we're Devin and Lawrence formerly known as Weenie and the Butt.

The Butt:
That's Devin. Those nicknames no longer fly ever since several women came forth with allegations of sexual misconduct against each of us.

Brian:
[trapped inside the kitchen] Is there food on the floor? I can clean it up!

Peter:
No!

Brian:
[observes the party from the kitchen] Joe dropped a cracker! Joe dropped a cracker!

[Meg calls her family and they don't believe it's her]

Peter:
Okay, Meg. If this is you, what's your birthday?

Meg:
March 23rd.

Peter:
I have no idea if that's correct. Good day, sir.

[the Griffins, sans Brian, are on vacation during a hurricane]

Meg:
Where's Brian?

Chris:
Oh my God. When we evacuated, I think we forgot him.

Stewie:
It's okay, Lois. I left him chained up in the gully in the backyard.

[cutaway to Brian nearly drowning in the backyard back at home]

Brian:
Guys?...Guys?!

[to start a complete script, see:
"Movin' In (Principal Shepherd's Song)" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Principal Shepherd:
Okay, Chris. While you make these announcements, I'm going to be massaging your shoulders, just so I can say in court that I do it to everyone.

[Chris misreads the morning announcements and Principal Shepherd corrects him]

Chris:
God.

Principal Shepherd:
Good.

Chris:
Movement.

Principal Shepherd:
Morning.

Chris:
Anglebird.

Principal Shepherd:
Everyone.

Chris:
The stagnant cancer muting.

Principal Shepherd:
The student council meeting.

Brian:
Stewie, how can you afford an entire opera in your room?

Stewie:
Oh boy. Brian's upset because someone has something he hasn't. Do you know what I'm getting for your birthday? The ability to be happy for other people.