Family Guy, Season 19

Peter:
Guys, I'm worried about the baby. He's hardly touched any of his birdseed. Are you sure we're shaking him enough?

Quagmire:
God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings. It's all just weird foreign sports fans like those Pakistani cricket hooligans.

Paki #1:
If you're not rooting for Lahore, please you may leave! I can tell you.

Paki #2:
Lahore cricket is the best and the others are not the best, dear friends!

Joe:
I'm for Karachi but I don't get a death wish about it.

Quagmire:
Hey, look. A pair of working legs. Dibs on these!

Joe:
What? Aw, come on, Quagmire!

Quagmire:
Joe, I said "dibs".

Joe:
No, no. You're right. You said "dibs".

Stewie:
I hate this. When do I get my cookie? I want my cookie so I can go home.

Priest:
Now please join me in silent prayer and as we settle into the silence, I remind you that in honor of Lent, today's coffee service will not include chewy Chips Ahoy.

Stewie:
FUUUUUUUUCK!

[Everyone gasps in shock]

Lois:
Hey, Stewie said his first word, and it was a swear!

Peter:
Well, this is unacceptable! We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast! [Walks out of the church and enters the car] Unbelievable!

Caillou Narrator:
Lois couldn't find the swearer. Nor could she remove the voice of the grating Caillou narrator from her head.

Lois:
MAKE IT STOP!

Caillou Narrator:
Not until you kill them all, Lois.

Lois:
[accidentally wipes her eyes with the anti-bacterial wipes for the shopping carts] OW! IT'S THOSE ANTI-BACTERIAL WIPES FOR THE SHOPPIN' CARTS! IT'S BURNIN' MY EYES! FUUUUUUUUCK!

Stewie:
It's time I got back out there again. I've had one beer my whole life! That's not normal!

Brian:
Nothing about you is normal.

Stewie:
I mean, I've already wasted a whole year of my life with him!

Brian:
There's only been a year of your life.

Stewie:
You know, all of your responses have been very similar, so you might want to nip that in the bud.

Peter:
Some lady up the block is giving away all of her husband's stuff cuz he shot himself in the face.

Meg:
Oh my God!

Stewie:
I've seen that lady. He did the right thing.

[Cleveland screams into a bullhorn]

Cleveland:
Donna, they had a bullhorn! I don't know why but they had a bullhorn!

Donna:
Cleveland! It's time for lunch!

Cleveland:
What do I want? Sammich! When do I want it? Now! I ain't eatin' any leftover soup!

Lois:
Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing. It's called a podcast. I guess it's like a radio show on your phone. Have you heard of these? Podcasts!

Meg:
Yeah, mom. We know what podcasts are.

Lois:
Huh. I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms. I have to let Bonnie know.

[Lois faxes a message to Bonnie]

Bonnie:
Wow! Really?!

Peter:
Since Willem Dafoe has more bones in his face than most people have in their entire body, he's perfect for carving cuz the angles are so sharp.

[Cleveland screams into a bullhorn]

Cleveland:
Hey, Donna. The tree's just regular.

Donna:
Go to work, Cleveland!

Peter:
Ah, the beach. So much to do. Unlimited possibilities. [notices a "No Alcohol" sign] There is nothing to do at the beach! Why did we come here?!

[a young Peter and Lois make out under the boardwalk]

Peter:
When I go back to school, all my greaser friends are gonna say "Tell me more! Tell me more!" and I'm gonna say you were a slut.

Peter:
God, can't you believe that Trump hung himself in prison?

Lois:
You can't bring a cat to church!

Peter:
Why not? He's cat-olic!

Principal Shepherd:
Everyone, I wanna thank you all for helping us decorate for the fall dance.

Meg:
What's the name of this dance anyway?

Principal Shepherd:
[annoyed laugh] I've been doing this a long time, Meg. The next thing out of my mouth. The theme is climate change. Dance like it's the end of the world. We're going to -

Meg:
But how do we even decorate for that?

Principal Shepherd:
[exasperated sigh] We're gonna pump the heat up to 92 and fill the gym up with 6 inches of water and then, you know, balloons, streamers, all that crap. So, thanks again and if anyone needs anything, just think. I'm hanging balloons. How could I possibly have a question?

Meg:
What do we even - ?

Principal Shepherd:
[extremely angry] MEG! [takes a deep breath] [calmly] Thanks guys.

Esther:
So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I are finally gonna do it after the dance.

Meg:
[gasp] You're gonna have sex!?

Esther:
I'm talking about our suicide pact.

Meg:
[laughs] Oh my God. I was like, who is this girl?

Cleveland:
I think maybe the show's over.

Peter:
Lois, you're making this harder than it needs to be. Just get a former Batman and move on. I'm sure Val Kilmer could use the insurance.

Lois:
Peter, we're not going to get a former Batman. That has been pitched every day since Adam West died and the response has been tepid at best.

Lois:
Let's toast our new mayor! I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.

Librarian:
Elle. Elle Hitler. [chuckles] No relation!

Lois:
Elle Hitler. Eh. Let’s all say hi to Elle Hitler!

Everyone except Peter:
Hi, Elle Hitler! Yaaaay!

Wild West:
If you're looking for something rugged, something durable, something with an endless supply of gas and a tailgate made for dumping, then you must be looking for Meg Griffin. Meg might not be much to look at but with two different shaped airbags, Meg is one ride you won't mind taking out to the middle of nowhere and giving it all. She's road ready and road hard. Meg Griffin. Kindly leave your go-by and Roman numerics at the sound of the chow bell. [the sound of bell chimes]

Brian:
Hey everyone, I have some news. I got a job writing for Quahog's top website, The Hog. Starting tomorrow, I'm an online journalist.

Peter:
Isn't The Hog that stupid pop culture site with those lame quizzes telling you what character you are in a show?

Lois:
Peter's mad cuz he always gets Barney Rubble.

Peter:
If I was mad would I laugh like this? [laughs like Barney] I don't think so.

Employer:
You're good at sexualizing children.

Brian:
Is that a problem?

Employer:
No, that's a big part of online journalism.

Lois:
Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!

Peter:
Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.

Chris:
Same.

Peter:
[while bumping fists with Chris] Nice.

Lois:
I'd like to finally get a present from the heart this year. Not just some defective clothing item Peter got on clearance at Marshall's.

Peter:
[holds up a Rolling Stones knockoff shirt] But you love The Rolin Stones.

Stewie:
[dressed as Cindy Lou Who] Santa Claus? Why are you taking our Christmas tree?

Lois:
Why are you in pigtails and a little girl's nightgown?

Stewie:
Okay, okay. Maybe we both forget what we saw.

Ernie:
There's not left for me in this world. I lost my job. I lost my house. My wife left me for a bigger cock.

Peter:
[looks towards the audience] Cocks are chickens!

Ernie:
I'm better off dead.

Peter:
Oh, that's sad. I agree. I guess that means I win, huh?

Holly:
Hi, can I help you find something?

Stewie:
What's she gonna do? This place doesn't even have a backroom. All the inventory is just out on the floor in ceiling-high library stacks.

Brian:
Yep, we got it, Stewie. You're better than this place.

Stewie:
Yeah, I know that. I'm better than in every place.

[Holly uses Brannock devices to measure Chris' feet]

Holly:
Looks like a 10 and a half.

Chris:
They're perfect! I'll take them!

Holly:
No, those aren't shoes.

Chris:
[in a robot voice] Do not speak in that tone to the iron giant! [robot walks off] Must destroy shoebox city!

Peter:
What's all this?

Joe:
Oh, hey guys. Sadly my Uncle Ray passed away last week but he left me his vintage sports car.

Peter:
Joe, that's amazing that your uncle died! But I'm sorry to hear about the car.

Lois:
Chris, you've hardly touched your food.

Chris:
Mom, are you a scientist?

Lois:
No?

Chris:
Then quit putting me under a damn microscope!

Terminator Peter:
This isn't Big Mouth. You aren't gonna see it.

Cleveland:
That's how my mom died.

Cleveland:
You're right, Joe. We are all armed. I have it in case people try to make America great again.

Lois:
Woohoo! New Orleans! I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the twins! Ha ha! Did you hear what I said, Meg? I said I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the...

Meg:
[unamused] Yeah, I heard you.

[Stewie's hair poofs up]

Stewie:
Feels a little humid.

Lois:
Alexa, what's in the news this morning?

Alexa:
Here is your morning briefing: In Washington D.C., Congress has passed a measure to...

Lois:
Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.

Alexa:
Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.

Lois:
No way! Someone should tell his face!

Lois:
See you later, Alexa. You're my best friend.

Alexa:
...And you're... You're awesome, Lois.

Tom Tucker:
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. In local news, two roommates were found bound and gagged in their apartment this morning in what they're calling "the cat-sitter-tyer-upper." Guys, we need to get better name-comer-upper-withers.

Manager:
I can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from.

Peter:
[upset] No! I want Jerry!

Lois:
Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me.

Peter:
[lying on the floor] I'm not gonna! I hate you!

Lois:
[annoyed] Come on, Peter. You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned for Stanley Kubrick.

Lois:
Peter, you have to get a haircut.

Peter:
Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.

Meg:
I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.

Brian:
You would what? And with who?

Meg:
Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.

Doug:
Hey, Poopy Thumb!

Stewie:
It was golden spicy brown mustard from my sandwich! How many times do I have to say it!?

Doug:
[chuckles] Okay, no need to relitigate what four of our peers saw.

Peter:
New shirt, Cleveland?

Cleveland:
Donna saw an unflattering picture of me on Facebook and only lets me wear black now.

Peter:
Hey, can somebody change the channel? I'll watch anything except these stupid home renovations shows.

Quagmire:
What's wrong with them?

Peter:
Besides their lack of Kermits? Lots of things.

Cleveland:
Fidel Castro was there to throw out the first pitch. He was wearing the same outfit as always. Later, we would find out he had a fashion disease known as a chronic fatigue system. We would write more jokes about him but our dum-dum writers only know what he looks like.

Cleveland:
In Cuba, we hated America so much that we copied everything they did and died trying to get there.

Cleveland:
We tried to play but it was difficult because hurricane season was from February through January. Every time, a hurricane would sleep through, decimating the island, and causing hundreds of dollars worth of damage.

Peter:
Wow, Cleveland, I had no idea you played baseball! Too bad you couldn't hit a home run with The Cleveland Show.

Cleveland:
Well, it certainly wasn't a whiff.

Joe:
More of a foul out.

Cleveland:
It. Was. A. Double!