Family Guy, Season 20

Stewie:
Oh, look. Kylie's mom is out of rehab.

[Lois hits Doug with her car]

Lois:
Oh my God! It's a kid!

Stewie:
It's Doug! Nice hit, bitch! Oh, and Elsa's underwear! This day just keeps getting better.

Lois:
Well, thank you all for coming. Can I get anyone something to drink?

Doug's Dad:
I'm fine but Doug's mother would probably like three martinis and then have unprotected sex with her boss at work.

Doug's Mom:
Doug's father would love a glass of warm tap water and never make more than $30,000 a year for the rest of his life.

Doug's Dad:
As a form of settlement, maybe this weekend, you can put together a tree house I don't wanna deal with.

Lois:
If that's what I have to do to make things right, then Peter and my children will build your son's treehouse.

Stewie:
Alright, guess now the four men awkwardly sit here, while my mom gives your mom a tour of the house that doesn't deserve one.

Lois:
[offscreen] And this is a room adjacent to the room we were just in.

Doug's Mom:
[offscreen] Ooh. This is a fun house!

[Lois goes as Marge Simpson for Halloween]

Lois:
[in Marge Simpson's voice] Happy Halloween, kids. Here’s your candy!

Lois:
I have to go do a dangerous speedball and become the least surprising death in Hollywood history.

Lois:
It me! Borat! You know. From that picture, Borat. Ever seen it?

Wild:
Yeah, that movie come out like 15 years ago.

Peter:
Well, I've never heard of it but it was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Peter:
Aw, not at the dinner table.

Chris:
Dad, can I ask you something about girls?

Peter:
Are you wearing a wire?

Chris:
VHS? What do those letters stand for?

Peter:
That information has been lost to victory.

Lois:
Stewie, when I was over, visiting grandma and grandpa, humiliating myself to ask them to keep paying for your preschool, ...

Stewie:
I know you don't understand me but I understand you.

Lois:
[takes out a stuffed monkey toy]... I found Chi Chi! He's like your doll, Reuben.

Stewie:
[to Rupert] I know. I know. I know. You called Joanna "Joanne" the other day. It happens.

Stewie:
What's on your shoes?

Doug:
Oh, these are called laces. I doubt you've ever heard of them, Mr. Velcro.

Stewie:
I know about laces! I've just never seen black ones! Jeez, why are you always such a dick!?

Doug:
It takes one to know one.

Stewie:
Where did you learn that? That was great!

[Peter imitates Quagmire's behavior]

Peter:
Giggity morning, everyone. Lois, can I see you in the other room for a second?

Lois:
Sure.

Peter:
Alright!

Brian:
[reading his birthday banner] Happy birthday, dog?

Peter:
Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store. Have a good one, Brent.|

[Joe and Kevin come to the party]

Peter:
I don't recall inviting Kevin but sure.

Brian:
His name, you remember.

[Chris goes to a gun counter at Quahog Sports]

Chris:
Hi, I'm a 15-year-old wild card and...

Gun Salesman:
WELL, LET'S GET YOU A GUN, ALREADY!

Peter:
Let me ask a salesperson for help like a complete beta.

Peter:
Okay, Brian. What do you get for me?

Brian:
Okay, birthday jokes. [reading one of his jokes] We may not be colleagues, but there's no one in your league.

Peter:
Boy, that's a brick on the backboard. Chris, what do you got?

Chris:
I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation and when we got off the highway, the sign said "Disneyland Left" so we drove back home.

Peter:
Chris, that's going in the show. See that, Brian? Don't be afraid to pull our heartstrings.

Stewie:
Children, please continue the independent day, while I go see if I just sneezed my tampon out.

Red Wiener:
Say, can we go to the next scene with one of the cinematic sideways wipes they used to do in the '30s?

Mac:
Eh, I don't know. I did a sideways wipe this morning. I don't recommend it.

[Lois announces it's time to go to the Quahog tree lighting ceremony]

Meg:
Sweet. Tree lightning. Guess that means it's showtime.

[takes out a bag of eggs]

Peter:
Wait...what is this?

Meg:
Oh, nothing. Just my tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lightning.

Peter:
Okay, we get it, Meg. You're dark and different. [whispering to Lois] Wow, Meg is dark and different.

Meg:
Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg" cuz of my big bag of eggs. I hope you guys don't start calling me that but you can if you want to.

Lois:
Good morning, Peter. Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.

Peter:
Oh, there's no sleeping in, when you're an alcoholic, Lois. You just never go to sleep.

Peter:
I'm often self-centered, and confused about my words, and shellfish.

Lois:
How dare you buy me something that suggests I need exercise?!

Peter:
This is a loud way to say thank you.

Lois:
I went to The Fancington's Academy for insufferable girls. Our mascot was a well-dressed woman who yells at valets.

Lois:
Do people bring husbands to these things?

Brian:
You're not thinking of going without them, are you?

Lois:
Honestly, Brian. These girls come from old money so they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental.

Brian:
Well, [kills a bird and eats it] ...I'm still available.

Quagmire:
I read everything people leave on planes. I read The Da Vinci Code four times.

Peter:
The year 2020 was a terrible year for the Corona Beer company so they had to sell off all their TV commercial hammocks.

Chris:
The neighbor's sprinkler ruined whatever this is.

Peter:
Not so fast, Chris. I don't give up that easily.

Chris:
Good for you, Dad. Go knock on the neighbor's door and have a mildly uncomfortable conversation.

Peter:
I give up.

Peter:
Guys, great news. My uncle just died so we can use his HBO Max password until they cancel his credit card!

Peter:
Let's start with Game of Thrones, which aired 8 seasons and was beloved by America for 6 and a half seasons.

Lois:
I can't believe we're doing Big Little Lies and I'm the fucking train guy!

Tom:
For those of you who don't know what VR is, I will now attempt to explain it without the aid of a teleprompter. You put a computer on your face and it's like this whole world man, it's crazy. I dated a chick whose little brother had one. Just nuts.

Meg:
Gentlemen, the going great is $20 a game over here. Who's got a pair of stones big enough to challenge The Mighty Meg?

Lois:
Oh, good. Kids, you're just in time for breakfast.

Chris:
No time, Mom. The girl I stalk has field hockey practice at 8:00! I love a red-cheeked barbarian.

Lois:
How 'bout you, Meg?

Meg:
Can't. I'm weirdly the girl he's stalking. God, help me. I love the attention.

Lois:
Well, it's just you and me, Stewie. What should we do today?

Stewie:
I don't know, maybe forget everything that just happened?

Lois:
Well, I have the whole day. I guess I can watch The Office for so long that Netflix has to ask if I'm still alive.

[Lois clicks on her remote, cut to a Netflix menu on the screen asking a question]

You've been watching for a while. Are you still alive?

[Underneath the question are "Yes" and "No" as possible answers, Lois selects "Yes" and another question appears onscreen]

Are you sure? You've watched three non-Michael Scott episodes in a row.

[Lois selects "Yes" again and another question appears]

Sorry, we have to ask again to make sure you're not a cat walking on the remote. Are-- are you a cat walking on the remote?

[The word "Meow" replaces "Yes" as a possible answer, Lois selects "No" and another message appears]

Okay, sorry to give you the third degree. I can see you're going through some stuff.

[Lois hears a knock on the door]

Joe:
[offscreen] Hey, Lois, is everything okay? Uh, our Netflix says your Netflix is worried about you.

Stewie:
[narration] Meet Alana Fitzgerald. How she got here is quite the tale and I'm here to tell it to you. I'm here to tell you all about Alana. And who am I? I'm Stewie, the talking baby from Family Guy. Do you not know that?

Chris:
I'm home from camp!

Brian:
Welcome, home!

Stewie:
Meg's been wearing your clothes.

Brian:
Slippery slides are a nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps.

Stewie:
Are you sure? Cuz the multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun.

[The multicultural kid on the box starts talking]

Asian Kid:
Hi!

Hispanic Kid:
Hola!

Black Kid:
I'm a real boy who was put here by a witch!

Preston:
Peter, you'll be very happy to know I finished conducting my employee productivity evaluations. I used a system called the Determining Employee Advancement Duties Working Engagement Intelligence Gains Hourly Test or DEADWEIGHT. And my results have shown you to be the brewery's least productive employee. So, pack your bags.

[a cool substitute boss comes in]

Dan:
Hey, guys. My first name is Dan, which is what you'll all call me. Now, who wants to watch Ratatouille?

Chris:
I'm Quahog's #3 realtor. I wanted to sell that house to your folks but...You're in great hands with Gil.