Gary the Rat

Vet:
Now if you'll just turn over on the table and drop your pants, I'd like to get a look inside your colon.

Gary:
I beg your pardon.

Vet:
Your colon, I must examine it.

Gary:
Sorry to burst your bubble Dr. Doolittle. But the mud-whistle and all the roads leading to it, are closed for the day.

Therapist:
So what seems to be the problem?

Gary:
Well, for starters, I'm a six-foot rat.

Therapist:
You're not happy with your height. That's a good start.

[Gary is questioning a blind witness]

Gary:
So, you're saying that cigarette smoking gave you throat cancer?

Blind Man:
[Through voice box] Yes, that is correct.

Gary:
But you clearly saw the Surgeon General's warning on each and every pack!

Blind Man:
I'm blind!

Gary:
Excuses!

Harrison:
Some weirdos call it a spring ball; I don't know why... there's never anything to bounce except for my wife's ass.

Bud:
This is my babe: Rose.

Gary:
My condolences to you, Rose.

Rose:
Bunnies are fun!

Gary:
And condolences to you, Bud. This is five dollars. I'll only give it to you if you promise not to procreate.

Rose:
I like gum.

Gary:
Okay, let's make it ten.

Thodore:
Mr Bugz, I refuse to continue paying you for a job I've already paid you to do, now if you continue to extort money from me with the threat of physical violence I will have no alternative but to call the police in on this matter.

Mr. Bugz:
Oh yeah, hows about I hit you in the head with a toaster, and teabag ya, untill your eyes pop out!

Thodore:
A thousand will be fine.

Gary:
You may get some extra time for the sheer STUPIDITY of the crime, but we'll fight it!

Harrison:
[Through speaker phone] Hey Betty, find out where the hell that giant freak rat Andrews is and send him into my office!

Betty:
He's right here sir.

Harrison:
Then tell him to haul his freak rat bastard ass in here right now!

Gary:
I can hear you, sir.

Harrison:
Of course you can, you've got those giant mutant ears, NOW Andrews!

Gary:
Well, Bud...with an L... here's ten dollars. I want you to take it home to your mother and have her buy some IUD's!

Harrison:
Let's make one thing perfectly clear. You settle this case, and I'll make sure you spend the rest of your unnatural rat existence shoveling excrement from a porta-potty outside a rundown chili factory. you got it?

Caroline:
I'm going to hit you as hard as the realization that Gary Andrews is going to have after we take him for $11 million.

Bob:
I was getting scared that you actually liked that rat.

Caroline:
I'd screw my own brother for half that amount.

Bob:
I did it for $27, but he had a gun.

Bud:
Um..I accidentally got molested on the way here.

Gary:
You mean mugged?

Bud:
No...molested.

Gary:
Uh huh, and how does one accidentally get molested?

Bud:
You'd be surprised.

Gary:
I'm not going to this reunion and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind!

Harrison:
Andrews your fired! Get the hell out of the building!

Gary:
A reunion you say? Fanatstic idea, I might even wear a tux.

Stilletto:
When's the lawyer gettin' here?

Tony DeHeluse:
I'm sorry boss...

Stilletto:
When's the lawyer gettin' here, ya creep?!

Tony DeHeluse:
[Pointing to his very tiny ears] Sorry boss, I got nothin' here.

[Stilletto slaps him]

Stilletto:
Tony DeHalip, when's the lawyer gettin' here?

Tony DeHalip:
[Spitting] Any minute boss.

Stilletto:
You're spittin' on me!

Tony DeHalip:
Sorry, boss.

Harrison:
Anthony Stilletto is one of the most high profile Mafia bosses ever to run this city. The guy gets in more trouble than a busload of priests on the way to a boy scout jamboree. The man's a goldmine and I want him.

Gary:
I understand, sir. But what about Mr. Stilletto's current representation?

Harrison:
Poor sot accidently fell on a pickaxe.

Gary:
A pickaxe?

Harrison:
47 times.

Bugs:
Well how's about I stick that rat tail of yours in the garbage disposal and then pull your fingernails back with a shrimp fork?

Gary:
How about I go to the closet, get my shotgun and shoot you and your kitty in the face?

Bugs:
Stalemate.

Gary:
Mr. Bugs, your information has been very useful. I would have thought your presence here would have been a complete waste of time as you come of as someone with the intellect of a retarded snow pea.

Gary:
Ah, there she is, right on time. Hi mom, I was actually starting to get...I'm sorry, there's no Adolf Oliver Nipple here. I.P. Freely? Oh... Damn Juveniles!...Mommy...

Walter:
Frank, it's come to my attention that you have leprosy.

Frank:
That's a lie. [accidentally flings his nose into Walter's glass of water]

Walter:
Leprosy is an infectious bacterial disease, man. That's not the type of lifestyle we can support here...