George Lopez, Season 1

Max:
What's a period?

George:
It's a bullet we dodge. Go get ready.

[Carmen enters carrying frozen hot dogs under her arms]

Carmen:
Here are the hot dogs.

George:
What are you doing?

[George takes the hot dogs]

Carmen:
Ow, my underarms burn. Your grandpa's old razor was so dull, it took me forever!

George:
Didn't you change the blade?

Carmen:
No. Was I supposed to?

George:
Sweetheart, that was the blade we used to shave Grandpa right before we put him in the coffin.

Carmen:
Oh, my God!

Angie:
Carmen! That's why you don't lie to people.

[Carmen leaves relieved]

George:
It wasn't a lie.

George:
[to Duncan] Look, Where I come from, we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl and I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think, "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now, Duncan?

Duncan:
Watching me, sir?

George:
There you go! That wasn't so bad, was it?

George:
Angie, do I look like a stupid man?

Angie:
What?

George:
Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron? Do I look like a buffoon?

Angie:
Hey, no-one's forcing you to go to SuperCuts.

Benny:
George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.

Claudia:
George! There's a detective waiting for you in your office. Do you have any idea why?

George:
No.

Claudia:
Look. Nobody is judging you. You are a good man, and you made a horrible mistake! You know maybe it was for love, maybe it was the drink, I don't know! Look! Seriously man just tell me what you did so I can help you. I will shred files, I will lie, I will do anything!

George:
Okay, here's the plan. I'll go talk to the cop. You go back to your desk and pretend nothing's wrong, do some work. Okay? But don't pretend, actually do some work!

Benny:
I don't know why they're making these kids do a play on staying away from strangers, that is a parent's job. I'll give you my play, "Everyone is Bad". Thank you, thank you.

George:
Mom, this is important. You didn't teach me any of this stuff! All you told me was if a stranger comes up to you, start speaking Spanish. That didn't make me safe, that made me exotic!

Benny:
Hey, I have a question.

Teacher:
Yes?

Benny:
That sign outside, "No smoking", Is that just for the kids, or for everybody?

Teacher:
That's for everyone.

Benny:
How long is the play?

Teacher:
Just under 20 minutes.

Benny:
I'll catch it on Broadway.

George:
Angie, this is ridiculous, what's he gonna learn from this, how to operate a VCR?

Angie:
George, you know what my favorite part of the play was? When you walked up to the teacher afterwards and demanded your tax dollars back.

George:
Come on Angie, you think that play helped Max? The only thing he's ready for is a tiny kid in a fake mustache who can't stop looking at the audience. He's not walking to school by himself.

Angie:
George, It's only 4 blocks!

George:
A lot can happen in 4 blocks. He has no idea what's going on out there. He wasn't like me when I was a kid, Angie! He's totally sheltered. At least with me, I grew up in a rough neighborhood surrounded by criminals, I was lucky!

Benny:
I'll tell you your problem.

Angie:
Can a day go by when you don't say that?

Benny:
You already ruin your kids by coddling them. George was always very independent. He was crossing the street by himself when he was 2.

George:
I was looking for food!

George:
I don't care what Angie says. I don't think Max is ready to walk to school until he learns about the real world.

Benny:
I'll tell you what I did when you were a kid. I used to read the newspaper to you right before bed. Remember the Zodiac Killer? You'd say, "He's not coming here, is he Mommy?" And then I'd look at the paper and tell you, "It doesn't say..."

George:
Yeah, I remember. No Green Eggs in Ham, no Cat in the Hat, just, "Nut kills 12", night night!

Benny:
Okay, you can laugh, but it worked!

George:
Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.

Max:
What's the movie?

George:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I queued it up to the educational part.

Angie:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Are you insane?

George:
Not compared to them. Angie, this is how kids learn, they watch scary stuff, they'll get nightmares, they'll learn to be careful!