Hannah Montana, Season 3

Lilly:
[enters miley room and sneaks up beside her and yells] MILEY!

Miley:
[falls off the bed] You know if you didn't have that whole Miley/Hannah thing over me, Bang! Zoom!

Lilly:
Yeah, yeah, I'm shakin' in my boots, speakin' of which, I can't wait to wear these tomorrow at the Mack & Mickey in the Morning Show. This is gonna be so awesome! Hannah Montana and her peeps who keep her grounded. Eeep, I'm a peep!

Miley:
Did you put extra sugar in your sugar crunchies again?

Lilly:
Just a little bit. I'm so excited! I didn't slept last night.

Miley:
That makes two of us. I had a dream that you would not believe. You are about to kiss…I can't even say it.

Lilly:
Who's I about to kiss?

Miley:
…Jackson! Bleah! {waits a few seconds} Why aren't you bleah-ing with me?

Lilly:
Well...

Miley:
{imitating Lilly} "well.." is not an option. It's either blah or uggh, pick one.

Lily:
: But I really like him.

Miley:
[in really fast voice]Jackson loving freak o' nature say what?

Miley:
[Lilly, Miley & Oliver are sitting at the beach. Lilly is staring at Jackson and sighing, Miley hits her and says] Stop that. Oliver, tell her how ridiculous this is!

Oliver:
Miley, can you tell the sun not to rise in the morning? I mean, can you tell the wave not to crash on the shore?

Miley:
You've been watching soap operas again?

Oliver:
No, its just, uh…my Grandma came in town. She's visiting…uh…

Miley:
Yeah, you have.

Miley:
[Jackson picks up a puppy and tries to find his mommy and Lilly sighs] Lilly, please. Lord Voldemort would look cute with puppy, snap out of it.

Lilly:
You know, this is all your fault anyway. You're the one who had that stupid dream, and I was perfectly happy crushing in silence and stealing hair of the brush when no one was looking.

Miley:
What? And by "what", I mean EWW!

Mailman:
[Robbie is playing the guitar, the mailman rings the bell and Robbie opens the door] Robbie Stewart?

Robbie:
That would be me. Hey, first, tell me what you think of this. [sings] I'm super cute, super hot, I'm the girl you like a lot, I'm super super girl! I'm super super girl! [stops singing] What do you think?

Mailman:
I think you're super super weird!

Robbie:
The gardener loved it.

Jackson:
[Miley is asking Jackson if he feels the same way for Lilly] Huh!

Miley:
Huh, what?

Jackson:
I'm starting to think about Lilly that way.

Miley:
No, no, wrong way, go back.

Jackson:
No, no, she's cute, she's smart, she's not a kid anymore. Jackson likey!

Miley:
And Miley pukey!

Mickey:
There might be some tension in the Hannah possy.

Hannah:
Tension, what tension? There's no tension. No, no that's just a little thing we do and we're like, Hey Lola! [spits]; Hey Jackson! [spits]

Mike:
Yeah, that's just how we roll, yo! [spits in Hannah's face].

Hannah:
Thank you Mike, thank you for the help.

Mike:
[Points at Mack] Word!

Mack:
Oh, from your mother?

Hannah:
It's actually to your mother.

Mack:
Oh, it's to your mother, you're right, I never know.

Hannah:
You never know.

Lilly:
[Miley was dreaming and Lilly enters her room] Oh, why aren't you up yet? You're supposed to help me pick out an outfit for Mack & Mickey tomorrow.

Miley:
That's tomorrow?

Lilly:
Yep.

Miley:
I had the weirdest dream.

Lilly:
What was it about?

Miley:
You liked Jackson, and he liked you back. I tried to stop it and I was wrong, so if you really do like my brother I'm okay with it.

Lilly:
Me and Jackson, together. Really…Blehhh!

Miley:
Ah, that's my girl.

Robbie:
[Miley is driving her car; she has her driving test the next day.] You're doing good there bud, drivin' like a real pro. You might wanna slow down here just a touch. [thinks in his head] We're gonna die, we're gonna die!

Miley:
No problem daddy, you're the boss. [thinks in her head] I know what I'm doing old man, stick a sock in it!

Robbie:
You're gonna ace that driver's test, just focus on the road and stay calm. [thinks in his head] I'm gonna throw up!

Miley:
I will daddy, don't you worry the driver's license is practically already in my hands. [thinks in her head] And then I'll never have to drive with your parental paranoid butt again!

Miley:
[She is at her driver's test.] Seatbelt check, side-view mirror check, guy in side-view mirror check him out!

Driving Instructor:
[Enters the car saying] Is it too much to ask people to clean up after their dogs?

Miley:
Is that part of the test cuz' it wasn't on the manual.

Driving Instructor:
I mean look at this. [shows Miley his dirty shoe]

Miley:
Uhh, you know maybe you could wipe that outside of my brand new car, [he wipes it inside the car] too late.

Driving Instructor:
Let's get going, we're over-booked and I am all backed up.

Miley:
Wish I could say the same for the dog!

Miley:
[She is talking with Lilly about the test] I know, but it's so not fair. The only good thing is that you're the only one I actually told I was doing the test.

Lilly:
[Nods nervously] Ahan…

Miley:
What did you do?

Lilly:
Well…

Oliver:
[He is rapping with other class-fellows of Miley] Here comes Miley Stewart, she passed the driver's test, she's kickin' it behind the wheel not walking like the rest, she can drive it home "say what say what", I said she can drive it home "say what say what", word and respect, the road!

Lilly:
I may have mentioned it to Oliver.

Oliver:
[Asks Miley about the test] So, first in our class to hit the highway tell us all about it.

Miley:
[stuttering] Uh, um, well you know…Driving, I personally think is over rated and it hurts our planet, and not driving now that takes some courage and I don't think that I'm gonna drive today, or tomorrow, that's how strongly I feel.

Oliver:
Wow, you know that is just about the stupidest thing that I've ever heard…

Miley:
Okay okay, listen up cuz' im only gonna say this once, the truth about it is…[Ashley interrupts her]

Ashley:
Hey anybody seen Amber, oh wait there she is driving her brand new car with her brand new license.

Lilly:
[Everybody goes towards Amber, Lilly says] Look, look its canary color with matching leather seats, [Miley pulls her back] which is tacky, really really tacky..

Jackson:
Hey dad, look at this, I just found a picture of me when i was six months old, sweet, cuddly and so so happy, and then you ruined it by having that little devil child.

Robbie:
You gotta learn to laugh at life's little difficulties, [door bell rings] Oh, and speaking of little difficulties, we have a house guest.

Rico:
Hello roomies.

Jackson:
[exclaims] No no no no, why why why why, [points at Rico] YOU YOU YOU YOU!

Lilly:
[Miley and Lilly are the Driving center] You really think they are gonna let you take the test on the same day.

Miley:
They have to, if I don't drive myself to that beach party tonight my life will be miserable.

Lilly:
What are you talking about you're, Hannah Montana..

Miley:
Yeah that doesn't count. Ok I'm just gonna tell the lady what happened, look at that sweet face, she will definitely make an exception.

Driving Lady:
[To the Governor] NO, rules are rules, bucko!

Governor:
But I'm the Governor of California.

Driving Lady:
And I'm the queen…of this window. Your appointment was scheduled for 12:20, its 12:22. Your appointment has been "terminated". That's right I went there!

Governor:
I'll be back.

Driving Lady:
Not for the next 2 weeks you won't. Next!

Miley:
I am so dead.

Jackson:
[Rico is shaving his armpits, Robbie is going out while Jackson says] Please please take me with you, don't leave me alone with, [look's at Rico and says] that!

Rico:
I gotta big swim meet this weekend, you won't believe the difference it makes in the butterfly, [does the butterfly and shows his armpits] Yeah.

Robbie:
Sorry son, every man for himself.

Miley:
[She is driving her car and listenting to one of her songs, and singing along] Sometimes I like to rub government just to get my license to drive a car, and now I'm on my way to the party to see Amber and rub her face in and na na na, [she gets pulled over] good!

Officer DiAria:
License, please.

Miley:
Oh yes, is there a problem officer…Diarrhea?

Officer DiAria:
It's "DiAria".

Miley:
Of course it is my bad.

Officer DiAria:
Your turn signal's been on for the last mile and a half.

Miley:
Oh is my face red? You are very good at your job... They should make you captain! I'll write a letter. Thanks so much for your help, it's been great working with you. B'bye.

Officer DiAria:
Ah, not so fast miss, first, explain to me why your license says, Hannah Montana.

Miley:
Oh that's just because…Sweet niblets!

Miley:
[Miley is out of Jail, Robbie is driving her home] Kids, we do the darn'est things, but you gotta love us, you gotta love me right?

Robbie:
You know bud you wanted something so bad that you bent the rules to get it, and anytime you do that it's gonna bite you on the butt.

Miley:
And you are right, you are absolutely right, 2 hours and 23 minutes in the slammer can really change a person, i've learned my lesson, so any other, you know punishment would be completely pointless.

Robbie:
Well you wouldn't necessarily go that far would ya'.

Miley:
[Turns the car around] Daddy can we please not go down this road, this is where the party is and the last i want is to be seen being driven by my dad. [look's at Robbie] Oh no!

Robbie:
Oh yeah!

Miley:
Oh daddy, why don't you just pull down a blow horn and announce my arrival.

Robbie:
You know me too well darlin'. [Says on the blow horn] Hey everybody it's Miley Stewart's daddy droppin' her off at the party because she didn't get her license ha ha, How's that for punishment.

Miley:
[Miley has her license in hand, look's at the picture and says] This is so not fair, who takes a picture on 2, everyone know's you do it on 3, 1 2 3.

Lilly:
It's really not that bad.

Oliver:
Are you kidding, it look's like a horse stepped on her face.

Lilly:
Oliver that's ridiculous. It's more like she ran into a plate glass door.. [makes silly face]

Rico:
Welcome to Rico's Meat Mania! All meat, all the time! [Oliver walks in and notices his display] Just for you, [sniffs a hamburger] Oh yes.

Oliver:
It's the promised land! [bows down]

Joannie:
[noticing Oliver] Oliver, what's the matter?

Oliver:
I dropped a contact meat... lens. A contact lens! Let's walk the other filet... way. Let's walk the other way!

Jackson:
Ya know what the best part about having you as a sister is?

Miley:
No, what?

Jackson:
I was hoping you could tell me, 'cause I got nothing!

Miley:
So what? You had to drive me here, just be happy we finally got you a chair where your feet touch the ground!

Duncan Keats on TV:
You know, I kissed a girl named Rosemary Pesto once! She sure could've used a mint!

Miley:
Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me when I kissed [Robbie Ray looks at her] nobody, nobody.. [nervous smile]

Robbie Ray:
I love our relationship! You pretend you don't kiss boys, and I pretend I believe you!

Miley:
[With fork stuck in her tooth] I am not gonna crack a tooth! [her tooth flies, and lands on Jackson's nose]

Jackson:
But you might lose a filling!

Oliver:
I so need more guy friends!

Miley:
[Jackson is sitting with Robbie at the table, and they both have made small faces on the hands] Dad, i need to talk with you..

Jackson:
[Interrupts Miley] Excuse me but we are having a very important conversation right now. [Jackson shows his hand face and says] Please let Jackson go to the party, or i'll be his only friend, and that would be sad, and weird.

Robbie:
[Robbie looks at Jackson, then shows his hand face and says] No. [Robbie's hand face has a mullet and sideburns].

Jackson:
You're the worst dad ever!

Miley:
Like my dad, he realizes that I am a mature, responsible adult totally capable of handling financial matters. [is handed another binder of checkbook designs] Aww, kitties playing with yarn!

Robby:
Miley, it's time I tell you something important. Your brother Jackson is in fact a dog.

Miley:
WELL, BUTTER MY BUTT AND CALL ME A BISCUIT!!!!!

Oliver:
You know, this kind of thing never happens in Italy, they wear berets!

Miley:
That's France! Just distract her! [stands up] Lily! Oliver's having trouble breathing!

Oliver:
I am? [Miley elbows his stomach, hard]

Hannah:
What are you doing on the floor?

Jackson:
Just dropped something

Hannah:
If it's your dignity, you might wanna chech the empty box of platform shoes!

Lilly:
My dad plays second base?, I'll give you a thousand bucks? Miley, you set this up.

Miley:
Set what up? What are you talking about?

Lilly:
Look at me in the eye and Super Secret Swear that you did not give that guy money to buy my hat.

Miley:
(who's looking at Lilly in the eye) Lilly... I did not give that guy money to buy your hat. Super Secret Swear.

Lilly:
(who cartwheels in excitement) YES, I'M GOING TO DC!!! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...

Oliver:
I don't know. It's just, sometimes being around all your success makes me feel--

Lily:
Like a failure.

Oliver:
I was gonna say "bad"...

[Lily looks nervous]

Miley and Oliver:
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on

Lily [frustrated] Come on, come on, come on! Are we gonna spend the entire weekend waiting to see if [to Miley] you got the part, or if [to Oliver] you got the gig? Wake up! Move! Do something! [Miley and Oliver stand up, and exchange seats]

Oliver:
There!

Miley:
Happy?

Lily:
It is times like this, I thank my lucky stars I have no talent!

Miley:
I didn't get the part, that's why Howard hasn't called me, he doesn't have the guts. Or he's having trouble with his gussies in the bathroom. Poor Howard. Call!

Oliver:
You know, I did great! Mr. Meadow's just jealous. He's jealous that he don't have my talent. I mean, you know what they say, those who can't sing teach.

Lily:
Hey, maybe I should be a teacher

Miley and Oliver:
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy....

Lily:
Answer the phone!

Lily:
Hey, I'd make a great teacher, supportive, fun, but no talking back, that is un-acceptable, un-acceptable I say!

Miley:
Hotshot Hollywood Honcho say what?

Mack:
You don't like bob daggooooottss

Mickey:
He can hear you! [holds her belly] while she touches herself

Mack:
Oh, you don't like C-A-R-R-...Hey, Carra---,

Mickey:
[to Hannah] Oh, come on! It's good for you!

Hannah:
No, sorry! If this girl's eating an orange snack, it will be candy corn!

Mack:
Carrot, it's not a K is it?

Hannah:
Maybe we should get Mack a pen and paper

Mickey:
Wouldn't help

Hannah:
Nice to meet you Mr.......?

Sean:
Nahnah, but you can call me Shawn

Robbie Ray:
Your name's Shawn Nahnah?

Sean:
Yes, from my grandmother's side, Nanna Nina Nahnah

Robbie Ray:
[to Hannah] Maybe it's not too late to drive to Capacitated. [referring to when he said Tina, who Hannah accidentally shoved out a one-story window, was "incapacitated", and Miley thought this was a place]

Miley:
Fine, just because somebody's too lazy to drive to Capacitated.

Robbie Ray:
[after Miley leaves] I have got to get that girl a dictionary.

Hannah:
You may be a great choreographer, but it's time somebody said No-no Nahnah!

Jackson:
You really wanna go down that road?

Miley:
Absolutely! [walks away…and comes back momentarily] What road? And exactly why wouldn't I wanna go down there?

Jackson:
You know the road that starts if you tell dad this about me it ends with me telling dad everything I know about you.

Miley:
[laughs] Okay, when you say "everything"?

Jackson:
Everything, past, present, and future.

Miley:
[in high tone] Future? [scared] What kind of brother are you?

Jackson:
I guess you can consider me a traitor, much like Benedict Arnold in 1779, gave away West Point to [lifts his jeans] the British.

Jackson:
No! My answers! They're melting! They're melting!

Robbie Ray:
Rico, I want this thing fixed, and I want it fixed now!

Rico:
Alright! Alright! Did you try hitting the reset button?

Robbie Ray:
The what?

Rico:
The reset button, it's in big, red letters on page one of your manual? [Robbie Ray looks at him, having no idea what he's saying] You read the manual, right?

Robbie Ray:
`Course I did! And I pressed the reset...reset [starts choosing some buttons, not knowing where the reset button is]

Rico:
The reset button. [presses the reset button]

Robbie Ray:
Oh, that reset button! I must've pressed the other one!

Rico:
There is no other one

Robbie Ray:
[quietly] Leave me my pride

Rico:
What?

Robbie Ray:
Leave me my pride, boy! [Enters the steam room]

Robbie Ray:
Hey, I'm just going for a quick jog, good luck on your test

Jackson:
What do you mean by that?

Robbie Ray:
Nothing, I'm just saying good luck!

Jackson:
Oh, thanks

Robbie Ray:
You got everything covered?

Jackson:
What do you mean by that?

Robbie Ray:
Wow, son, take it easy, I could see you're stressed, but everything's gonna be fine!

Jackson:
I know

Robbie Ray:
Well, uh

Robbie Ray and Jackson:
Bye [Robbie Ray leaves]

Jackson:
It's so hot in here! [lifts his sleeve] No sweating,no smudging! [lifts his jeans] No sweating, no smudging!

Miley:
Loosening up some cheating skiln, so you can write down more cheating answers, Floppy McCheaterPants?

Jackson:
[After his sweat is smudging the answers written on his arms] Oh, great! There goes the 19th amedment! [shouting to Miley] Thanks to you, women are losing the right to vote!

Miley:
Now, when Jackson comes in, close the door!

Lily:
Would it kill you to say please once in a while?

Miley:
Please?

Lily:
Thank you!

Jackson:
Like the FDIC, the FHA, the TVA, the SEC

Miley:
Jackson! S-T-O-P!

Rico:
Would you like the 30% friends and family discount?

Robbie Ray:
Thirty percent? Fifty!

Rico:
Forty and I'll be nice to your son at the shack.

Robbie Ray:
Forty-five and I don't care how you treat him.

Robbie Ray:
Who wants the last achy-breaky, everybody-wakey, do a little shakey, pancakey?

Jackson:
[Miley and Jackson both grab the plate] You already had 2, piggy! [snorts]

Miley:
Oh, wow! I didn't know you could count that high! Now give it!

Jackson:
I'm still a growing boy!

Miley:
[scoffs] Not since the fourth grade you're not! Now hand it over!

Robbie Ray:
Okay, your mom wanted kids, I wanted dogs…I still want dogs! Now work it out.

Miley:
You're right, Jackson, I have a simple solution! [grabs the pancake, and licks it] Ha! [Jackson grabs the pancake and takes a bite out of it]

Jackson:
HA!!! Sixteen years and still doing rookie mistakes!

Rico:
Well, I want you to meet my sweetie, Lily!

Lilly:
[She spits out nachos] What?!?

Jackson:
Ow, my head!

Miley:
Your head? My tights! [Robbie Ray looks at Miley]

Jackson:
Who are you guys?

Miley:
[sarcastic] Very funny, Jackson!

Jackson:
Who's Jackson?

Robbie Ray:
Sweet Pea, I think he's serious!

Jackson:
Who's sweet Pea? I don't remember anything!

Miley:
Okay, let's not panic! [Robbie turns to her] It's not like he knew that much before.

Miley:
Daddy-who-better-be-ready-to-catch-me-say-what?

Robbie Ray:
What? [Miley faints, Robbie Ray catches her]

Robbie Ray:
You know, your Uncle Earl and I used to fight all the time. When he went away to college, it was the four saddest days of my life!

Miley:
I want my rotten, stinkin', pancake-stealin' brother back!

Robbie Ray:
You miss him, huh?

Miley:
More than I ever thought I would!

Jackson:
Well, it sure took you long enough!

Miley:
[confused] Jackson? [relieved, extends her arms for a hug and walks closer] Jackson! [angry] Jackson!

Jackson:
[nods] Amnesia? What'd you think this was? An episode of Gilligan's Island?

Robbie Ray:
Jackson, who was the first president of the United States?

Jackson:
George Washington

Robbie Ray:
And who am I?

Jackson:
George Washington?

Robbie Ray:
I'm your father.

Jackson:
My father's George Washington?

Lilly:
[yelling] No, your father's Robbie Ray Stewart!

Jackson:
[to Robbie Ray] Why is she yelling at me, George?

Robbie Ray:
Oy!

Lilly:
You have a cousin named Angus?

Rico:
His real name's Alejandro Nuñes Gonzales Uberto Sifuentes.

Lilly:
Why do you call him Angus?

Rico:
Because it's easier than calling him Alejandro Nuñes Gonzales Uberto Sifuentes. I hate him when he visits! Obnoxious jerk! All he ever does is one-up me! I catch a fish, he wrestles an alligator! I'm voted Model Student of the Month, he's voted Australia Swimsuit Model of the Year!

Angus:
[in Australian accent] Good day, mate!

Rico:
And the torture begins!

Lilly:
Hey, he looks just like-

Rico:
[cuts her off before she can mention how much he and Angus look alike] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know! He's gorgeous! Don't rub it in!

Lilly:
[reading from a card] My Rico is the love monkey who carries me off into a magical jungle of romance? I can't read this! I've got last night's lasagna coming up just thinking about it!

Miley:
But, if it helps it all, my life is fantastic!

Lilly:
That helps me how?

Miley:
Well, good morning, Selfish Sally!

Jackson:
Enjoy the reunion, dad!

Miley:
Call us when you land, love you!

Jackson:
[to Miley] He is gonna have so much fun seeing the band again!

Miley:
And it is so cool that he trusts us to leave us alone for the first time....

Miley and Jackson:
Sucker!!! [they both laugh]

Miley:
[enters the house with Jackson while singing and dancing] We're gonna party!

Jackson:
[singing and dancing] And party harty!

Miley:
[singing and dancing] With my friend Marty!

Jackson:
[singing and dancing] You don't know a Marty!

Miley:
[singing and dancing] But it rhymes with party!

Jackson:
[singing and dancing] That's kinda smarty!

Hannah:
[imitating Robbie Ray] Now, young man, I expect you home before curfew!

Jackson:
[also imitating Robbie Ray] And bud, you call if you're gonna be late! [flips imaginary long hair]

Hannah and Jackson:
[both laugh]

Jackson:
Shall we, my curfewless compadre?

Hannah:
We shall, my sneaky sibling! [holds onto Jackson's arm]

Mamaw:
Surprise!

Hannah and Jackson:
[both screams]

Miley:
[dressed as her character, Indiana Joannie] I have a whip!!!!!!!!!!! And I have no idea how to use it!

Oliver:
Miley, thanks!

Miley:
You're welcome!

Lily:
You're the best friend ever!

Miley:
Yes, I am.

Oliver:
This is kinda weird for you, huh?

Miley:
Yes, it is.

Oliver:
We should probably go.

Miley:
Yes, you should.

Miley:
[she shuts the door after they left] Coldplay, Radiohead, hello! Hannah Montana in the room!

Robbie Ray:
[To himself, after no one is helping him with the luggage] Don't anybody worry about helping me get through this door! I got it! Oh no, please, Mr. Stewart, can we help you with that luggage? Oh no, I guess I got it! Are you sure, sir? It looks awfully heavy! Oh no, y'all just enjoy your visit!

Jackson:
[while hitting Robbie Ray's sandwhich repeatedly] Moi! Moi! Moi! Moi! Moi!

Robbie Ray:
I'd be a lot happier for you if you just hadn't crushed moi sandwhich!

Miley:
(freezes)

Lilly:
(whispers) Keep walking.

David Archuleta:
It was the onion bagel wasn't it?!

David Archuleta:
Then what is it? Oh no, when I called you thought I was David Cook!

Hannah:
No, no, I just broke a promise I really need to keep.

David Archuleta:
Okay, that's cool, do what you have to do.

Hannah:
Something, something, something, say what?!

Jake:
(smiles nervously)

Lola:
Something, something, something?

Hannah:
What? It's the best I can do. I'm in shock right now.

Jake:
Oops, wrong floor. (presses the close door button)

Hannah:
Not so fast lover boy. (runs to the elevator)

Jake:
(tries to run out but Hannah grabs him and the elevator closes)

Tracy:
BTW, hate the outfit.

Lola:
BTW, I can change the outfit. You're stuck with the voice (mimics Tracy's voice) forever.

Tracy:
It's a nasal condition!

Lola:
(mouths Tracy's words:

Jake:
Now Miley, before you get upset I just want to say-

Hannah:
Me? Upset? No. (puts her hand on Jake's shoulder) I'm just so happy to see you...(pushes her hand down and gets mad) making the worst decision of your life!

Jake:
(bends down in pain and looks like he's proposing to Hannah)

Hannah:
(smiles) Hello.

Old Woman:
Oh. Oh my, what's this? A proposal?

Jake:
(gets up) A proposal? (scoffs) To her? Are you kidding me?

Hannah:
Yeah, we're just teenagers. You know barely more than children, practically babies. Getting married would probably the dumbest thing we could ever do, right Jake? (reaches for his shoulder again)

Jake:
(gets behind the old lady and uses her as a shield) I don't know if I could call it dumb.

Hannah:
Oh really? What would you call it? Stupid, idiotic, irresponsible? Yeah, I'm good with all those.

Old Lady:
Oh good, the lobby.

Jake:
No, no. It's the nineteenth floor.

Old Lady:
Close enough. I'll take my chances with the stairs. (leaves)

Jake:
Look, I know it's sudden but...I love Tracy and I want to be with her forever.

Hannah:
Jake, you barely know her! You barely know yourself! We're talking about a lifetime commitment. You change your phone plans every six weeks!

Jake:
That's because a new one comes along that I like better.

Hannah:
Then why'd be stuck with the same phone plan for the rest of your life? If you and Tracy really love each other, you guys will still feel that way in a couple of years.

Fan Girl:
Han! Han! Han! Han! Han! Han! Han! Han! Han!

Mother:
She just saw your concert. Would you please sign her program?

Hannah:
(takes a pen and the program) Sure. What's your name, babe?

Fan Girl:
Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-

Mother:
It's Tiffany.

Hannah:
Okay. (starts writing) "Dear Tiffany, never make the mistake of marrying too young. Survey shows that teen marriages are more likely to end in the tragedy of divorce! So never let one impulsive decision haunt you until the day you die! Love always, Hannah" (gives the program and pen back) Here you go sweetie.

Tiffany:
(turns to her mother) All I wanted was "Rock on".

Tracy:
Yes, because we're getting married tonight!

Hannah:
What?!

Lilly:
(wearing her wig with her blond hair covering her face) What?!

Miley:
Hey daddy! Nacho cheese! I get it! Ugh! (lies back down)

Miley:
(on the phone) Lilly, I mean it. It's code red! Code red!

Lilly:
(panting and next to Miley) Why didn't you say so?

Miley:
(hangs up and becomes shocked) Man, you weren't kidding about that knot!

Lilly:
(holding a comb with Oliver's hair) And he thought I couldn't get it out.

Oliver:
(yelling in pain)

Jackson and Rico:
(holding a surfboard and singing) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Lilly:
Oh my gosh, you're in love in Jesse?

Miley:
(pacing back and forth) I'm not in love with Jesse.

Lilly:
And yet you saw him on Jake's body. Interesting.

Miley:
Okay, fine. I'm a little bit attracted to him but I can control it because I'm not going to let this ruin what I have with Jake. I mean we have so much history. We have way too much history to throw it all away on some intense, brooding, passionate, (starts smiling and daydreaming) strong, yet sensitive guy-

Lilly:
Miley.

Miley:
Who has these warm brown eyes that move you like the moon and the tide. A dance as old as time itself.

Lilly:
Well, as long as you can control it.

Miley:
Control what? (snaps out of it) Oh boy.

Miley:
The walrus sings at midnight?

Robby:
The walrus sings at midnight, that's it.

Miley:
(angry) Daddy, the walrus sings at midnight.

Robby:
(realizes something) I get it, I get it. Uh...I might go for another run. You know, a little more oneness with the world. (leaves)

Miley:
[after Oliver's out of earshot, and having just discovered Oliver's got a crush on the nurse.] Good dang, nurse! Oliver is crushing on someone old enough to remember the Beatles!

Lilly:
[confused] The who?

Miley:
[thinking she said "The Who"] Them too!

Hannah:
(having her drink)

Announcer:
America's Top Talent will be right back with our next contestant, Oliver Oken!

Oliver:
(enters the stage)

Hannah:
(spits her drink in shock at Byron)

Lilly:
(smiles nervously)

Andy:
You know what I can't resist? Telling you you have talent. Good job.

Hannah:
(stands up) Whoo! GO OLIVER!

Byron:
(looks at Hannah)

Hannah:
(calms down) Oken. (reads a card) Oliver Oken. Yep, never heard that name before. Very interesting. (sits down) My first Oken. Kinda like Token Oken. Ha ha.

Miley:
(scoffs) You think you can just waltz in here with that "Lilly I'm sorry" look on your face and she's just gonna run into your arms like nothing ever-

Lilly:
Olipop! (hugs Oliver)

Miley:
Lucky guess.

Oliver:
Lilly I'm so sorry I've been such a jerk. Yeah I got caught up in all of the attention but Miley's right. None of this means anything to me if I can't share it with you. Will you please forgive me?

Lilly:
(points her finger at Miley)

Miley:
Fine I guess we will.

Lilly:
(makes a thumbs up)

Jackson:
Can you just hold on for one second? Miles, can you read the serial number on this thing.

Miley:
Yeah. I-M-A.

'Jackson:
(on the phone) I-M-A.

Miley:
DORK.

Jackson:
(on the phone) DORK. (turns to Miley)

Miley:
Finally. You finally admit it.

Kara:
I have nothing good to say about that, and I'm the nice one.

Miley:
Hi birthday girl. What's up?

Lilly:
Well I'm down here by the beach where Oliver planned a picnic and a romantic sunset walk by the water and any chick flick I wanted, even the one when Orlando Bloom falls in love with a mermaid and sells his soul for gills and a flipper.

Miley:
Sounds like the perfect day.

Lilly:
I know and it would be (frowns) if he wasn't sick.

Miley:
Are you sure he's not faking it? I mean some guys would do anything to get out of a fishy chick flick.

Lilly:
No he's definitely sick. You should have heard him on the phone. (imitates Oliver) Oh Lilly, I'm so sorry. (sniffs sickly) He's so cute!

Miley:
Yeah because it's your birthday I'm gonna let that go. But don't worry, I'll be home in a couple of hours. Until then, go to my house, watch some t.v. and help yourself to daddy's private stash of Fudgey Buddies.

Robby:
(overhears this and becomes shocked) What?! She's not family.

Miley:
And when I get back, we'll do whatever you like.

Lilly:
Aw really? Thanks. I'm feeling better already. (someone throws a Frisbee at the table) Hey man. (throws something at the guy)

Miley:
What was that?

Lilly:
Oh it's nothing. Don't worry. (gets knocked down accidentally by a surfboard) Hurry.

Miley:
Don't worry. Nothing is going to keep me away from your birthday.

Airport Lady:
(into a microphone) Attention passengers, due to mechanical difficulties Flight 64 to Los Angeles has been canceled.

Miley:
Mousy voice ticket saleslady say what?

Airport Lady:
I said (speaks into microphone again) Attention passengers-

Miley:
I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!

Kyle:
(in a mouse voice) I LIKE CHEESE!

Lilly:
What was that?

Miley:
I think the new housekeeper just found Jackson's room.

Lilly:
It's in Atlanta.

Miley:
You're moving?

Lilly:
(nods her head)

Miley:
I was talking about Lilly moving in with me.

Oliver:
(comes back in) Oh yeah, I knew that. I was just messing with you, Lillipop.

Lilly:
(looks at Oliver)

Oliver:
I'm going to get you some flowers.

Lilly:
Yeah it's gonna take a lot more than flowers buddy.

Oliver:
Yes dear. (leaves)

Lilly:
(turns to Miley) You serious? You want me to move in with you?

Miley:
Are you kidding? Of course, right dad?

Robby:
Absolutely! You're family!

Miley:
Yeah! See? Everybody's happy!

Jackson:
(comes downstairs) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

Miley:
Well to everybody that counts.

Miley and Lilly:
(dancing) Roomies, roomies, roomies!

Miley:
I wanna move back to Tennessee.

Miley:
I'm moving back to Tennessee.

Oliver:
Back stabbing best friend say what?

Miley:
Really? Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay?

Lilly:
Wow, seeing it all empty is kinda sad.

Jackson:
Goodbye stairs.

Lilly:
Come on Miley, it's time to say hello to our new home.

Miley:
And goodbye to the old one.

The best of both worlds

Robbie Ray:
[talking like Scooby-Doo] Rhat rup, Rackson?

Robbie Ray:
Jackson Rod Stewart! It's nine in the morning! I want your rear in gear, in your car, on your way to higher education in the next two MINUTES!

Old Rico:
Hey-o! My aching back! Jackson, wake up!

Old Jackson:
(wakes up) Miley Stewart's Hannah Montana! Oh no, I just gave out the secret!

Old Rico:
What secret? She announced her eighth final farewell concert fifty years ago.

Old Jackson:
Oh, that's right. I missed that one, because I was uh--I was, uh--(mutters, and falls asleep)

Old Rico:
Jackson!

Old Jackson:
(wakes up) MILEY STEWART'S HANNAH MONTANA!

Old Rico:
You're the worst excuse for an employee I've ever had. You're fired!

Old Jackson:
But--but what will I do? I never went to college.

Old Rico:
That's your problem. (cackles weakly, but looks away while coughing)

Jackson:
(in an elderly voice after seeing Robbie Ray, Dewey and Norma rapping) You kids and your crazy music. I'll never understand it.

Miley:
World tour? How much of the world are we talking about?

Oliver:
Six months.

Back in Miley's house: