Hogan's Heroes, Season 1

Schultz:
(After Hogan revealing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform)What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went to far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.

Schultz:
Aahhh.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
After he steals the tank.

Schultz:
Ohh...

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
From the Panzer division.

Schultz:
Oohhh...

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
And brings it here into the barracks.

Schultz:
Oh I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!

Schultz:
Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben...acht...neun...zehn...

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Elf is next, eleven, Schultz.

Schultz:
I know how to count.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
So do many of the young guards, I think it's how they're taught.

[General Hofstader gets out of his staff car and marches over to Klink.]

Colonel Klink:
What an honor to have you here -

General Hofstader:
Where is my tank, Klink?

Colonel Klink:
Hasn't it come back yet?

General Hofstader:
No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!

Colonel Klink:
Please, General - it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas, the prisoners-

General Hofstader:
[sarcastically]: The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink!! Not a toy dump truck!

Klink:
(Shaking his head)

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Steal a German tank?!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe:
Well, how do we get ahold of it?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
How do we get it in here?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Where are we going to hide a tank?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Where do we take it apart?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Col. Klink:
It is impossible to hide a tank! Therefore I suspect you! (in regards to Col. Hogan and his men hiding the Tiger tank)

Col. Klink:
Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.

Schultz:
Me, too, Herr Komman…

[Klink gets up.]

Col. Klink:
I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.

Schultz:
Boy, are you running the camp!

Klink:
I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.

Hogan:
Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.

[After Kinchloe switches on a tape of a BBC broadcast in the presence of Klink, Schultz, and the Inspector General von Platzen.]

Klink:
Schultz! Where is that radio?

Schultz:
They didn't tell me!

Klink:
Find it at once!

Schultz:
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink:
[as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?

Hogan:
From the accent, I'd say England.

[Hogan brings in a "disguised" woman in male uniform.]

Schultz:
Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!

Schmidt:
What is it you want?

Hogan:
Cleveland.

Schmidt:
Cleveland?

Hogan:
I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.

Hogan:
If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?

Hogan:
We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.

Newkirk:
What do you mean by that?

Hogan:
It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Klink:
Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!

Klink:
If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.

Schultz:
Oh, I can handle that.

Klink:
I know.

Schultz:
[reading graffiti] "Hess is a mess." "Himmler is a rat fink." "Göring is a fat rat fink." [starts laughing] "Colonel Klink is bucking for rat fink!"

Hogan:
[walks over with Klink to the ammunitions building; the painting has blurred the graffiti very little after being watered] You ordered us the paint the building; we painted it!

Klink:
Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]

Hogan:
[to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!

Klink:
[tantruming] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! [the building is now pink] A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad?! If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.

Hogan:
Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color into the war. Everything's so drab.

Hogan:
Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?

Carter:
Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".

[Hogan is kissing Helga.]

Helga:
Mmm, you smell good.

Hogan:
The boys whipped up a little aftershave.

[Kisses her again.]

Helga:
It's very exciting.

Hogan:
It's called "unconditional surrender".

Hogan:
Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?

Newkirk:
Righto, guv'nor, you got it.

Hogan:
Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'

Newkirk:
Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?

Hogan:
Of course I do, but I fight it.

Burkhalter:
Now let me see what we can do with Colonel Hogan.

Klink:
I will have him brought here and we will start strenuous interrogation at once.

Burkhalter:
Klink, you are not only irresistible, but you are also very subtle.

Klink:
Thank you, sir!

Burkhalter:
Like a broken leg.

Klink:
Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?

Hogan:
I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

Schultz:
(In the barracks after finishing his patrol punishment)One thing I don't understand...How could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.

Schultz:
You call this empty.(Referring to his belly)

Carter:
Cheer up Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post.

Schultz:
Well maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.

Carter:
Well if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.

Schultz:
All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.

Hogan:
Colonel, you worry too much.

Klink:
I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.

Hogan:
Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?

LeBeau:
Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

Hogan:
You know that picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?

Klink:
Yes, I'm familiar with that picture.

Hogan:
This ain't it.

Hogan:
: LeBeau, how are you on pizza?

LeBeau:
: Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?

Hogan:
: We swear not to tell anybody.

LeBeau:
Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes. To climb a barbed wire, yes. But to make a pizza, no.

Hogan:
We all have to make sacrifices.

Klink:
Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.

Hogan:
Don't remind me, remind them.

Klink:
You said "aimed at England," yeah?

Hogan:
Mm-hmm

Klink:
For your information, half of the airfield of Hamburg is missing, destroyed! I must see Major Hauser at once. Maybe he has a better lie than yours. [grabs his hat and storms out of the room]

Hogan:
Another day, another rocket.

Schultz:
So, England, they made a big hole in Hamburg. [clicks tongue] Naughty naughty.

Hogan:
What could I do, Schultz? My aim is terrible when I'm in a hurry. [feeds him a grape]

Klink:
Yes, Herr General, I heard the news. A most regrettable business, 20 men escaping from Stalag 9. The Kommandant, Colonel Schmeckler, is a personal friend of mine. I must telephone him immediately to express my deepest sympathy. Yes... What? (Frowns) Oh, yes, long distance to Russia is very expensive.

Klink:
You know, it is most gratifying to have the confidence of one's superior officer.

Schultz:
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink:
Too bad that's not the case with you, Schultz.

Schultz:
I'm only a humble Sergeant, Herr Kommandant.

Klink:
Yes... An accident of war.

Klink:
Schultz, did you hear that? There's a war on, and yet (Hogan) calls (Stalag 13) a "home".

Schultz:
I think he's stir crazy.

Klink:
Silence! You will speak only when you're spoken to.

Schultz:
You spoke to me, Herr Kommandant.

Klink:
Next time, don't answer.

Klink:
So you wouldn't take my advice, eh, Hogan? Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?

Hogan:
If you'd stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty.

Klink:
Oh, you fools! Here's my reward: 30 days in the cooler! Take them away!

Hogan:
30 days is a cruel, inhuman, unjustified punishment to be inflicted only by a sadist!

Klink:
Flattery will get you nothing, my dear Colonel.

Lebeau:
What happens in your army if you shoot a Colonel?... In my army, we get the Croix de Guerre.

Klink:
Does the name Michaels ring a bell with you?

Hogan:
Michaels? Michaels. Yes, yes, it does, yes it does.

Klink:
It does?

Hogan:
Yeah. I knew this English girl, Diane Michaels. A beauty. Peach and cream complexion.

Klink:
That is not the Michaels I had in mind. This one has a mustache.

Hogan:
Oh, we're talking about two different girls.

Schultz:
May I ask you something? Why are we building a boat? What are you up to?

Hogan:
You really want to know, Schultz? Well-

Schultz:
Please don't tell me. How about Captain Michaels? How are you going to get him out of the camp?

Hogan:
(inhales to speak)

Schultz:
Please don't tell me. Why am I asking you? Schultz, where is your sense of loyalty? Helping the enemies? Schultz, Schultz! What is happening to you?

Hogan:
Ah, c'mon, Schultz. If you're gonna psychoanalyze yourself, go find a couch. We're busy here.

Schultz:
How about the Kommandant?

Hogan:
(now talking about the officers' club) He gave me his word he wouldn't peek. Wants it to be a surprise.

Schultz:
Oh, BOY, is he going to be surprised.

Hogan:
I said "volunteer", I can't order you to go on a mission like this. Now who's going to step forward and take this job thank you Lebeau.

Lebeau:
I didn't move a muscle!

Hogan:
You have that volunteer look.

Lebeau:
That's how I got married: volunteered same way.

Hogan:
If only we could knock (the guns) out.

Carter:
Hey! Maybe hand grenades could do some damage!

Newkirk:
They're 15 miles from here, at least.

Kinchloe:
Well, I'll warm up my pitching arm....

Hogan:
If only we could... Lebeau.

Lebeau:
Did I volunteer for something again?

Hogan:
What are the forgery boys working on?

Kinchloe:
Raffle tickets. We've been selling them to the Krauts.

Hogan:
Raffle tickets?

Newkirk:
They're for an all-expenses-paid trip to New Orleans in time for Mardi Gras. It's for after the war.

Klink:
Major Bonuccelli of the Italian Army.

Hogan:
Always nice to meet one of our allies.

Klink:
He's OUR ally.

Hogan:
I keep forgetting.

Hogan:
And you know how tough the Germans are. Just look at the way Hitler treats Mussolini.

Hogan:
I think we can get to Bonuccelli.

Lebeau:
How are you going to do that?

Hogan:
Work on his weaknesses.

Newkirk:
Italians are very sentimental.

Carter:
And they love music.

Kinchloe:
Anybody know the words to Santa Lucia?

British Submarine Commander:
You want to get through to Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark?

Hogan:
That's right.

Sub Comm.:
May I ask what for?

Hogan:
We'd like to make reservations for tonight. There'll be 103 at 7:00.

Sub Comm.:
Would you like us to send you a couple of bottles of red wine?

Hogan:
No, we already took care of that.

British Submarine Commander:
We want to get through to Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark.

London:
Is that really you, Mama Bear?

Sub Commander:
Yes, it's really me. Now get us through to the pizzeria.

London:
Look here, Mama Bear, you'll just have to eat the same rations as the rest of us.

Sub Comm.:
We don't want the pizzas. We just want the recipes.

London:
I think you've been underwater too long. I suggest you surface.

Sub Comm:
The recipe is not for us, it's for Goldilocks.

London:
Oh. I should have known.

Garlotti:
Garlotti's Pizzeria. Garlotti speaking. London calling?

London:
Yes, this is Captain Henderson, Supreme Allied Headquarters. No, Mr. Garlotti, your son is fine. Yes, he's still in the prison camp, but he's in good health and good spirits.

Garlotti:
Good, thank you. Thank you very much. What? You want my recipe for pizza?

Bonuccelli:
The pizza smells like the kind Mama used to make.

Hogan:
One of the biggest regrets of my life was not being shot down over Italy.

Newkirk:
I'll bet even the Germans eat a lot of pizza in Capezio, blimey?

Boniccelli:
Yes, they do! ... Yes, they do.

Hogan:
Off-hand, how many pizzas do the Germans eat, figuring 2 pizzas a German?

Boniccelli:
That's a secret... 2 pizzas, one German? 106,000.

Hogan:
106,000? (Thinks)

Boniccelli:
Just divide by 2.

Newkirk:
It's a vintage wine. Aged almost 2 weeks.

Boniccelli:
I could be shot for being a spy.

Newkirk:
You're not really a spy, you'd be in uniform.

Boniccelli:
In uniform, they'd shoot me for being a traitor. Please, not while I'm eating.

Hogan:
Just think what you'd be doing for your country. It could help shorten the war in Italy.

Boniccelli:
It could also shorten my life.

Hogan:
I'll make you a big hero in Germany.

Boniccelli:
I'd rather be a little coward in Switzerland.

Klink:
Well, Corporal Langenscheidt?

Cpl. Langenscheidt:
We could not find a trace of the prisoners.

Klink:
And you call yourself a German Shepherd.

Dog:
(Barks)

Cpl. Langenscheidt:
He's doing the best he can.

Klink:
He couldn't find a can of dog food.

Dog:
(Snarls)

Klink:
Put him on report!

Schultz:
: Carter, please. You could put me into lots of trouble. They might send me to the Eastern Front.

Carter:
Gee, I wouldn't want that to happen.

Schultz:
That's not the worst of it. They might give me 10 days leave!

Carter:
What's wrong with that, for pete's sake?

Schultz:
I would have to spend it with my wife.

(When Hogan tells Mrs Linkmeyer that Klink will marry her} Klink:
Hogan, I'm going to have you shot and no court martial in the world will convict me.