Kath & Kim, Series 3

Sharon:
Kim! You look like a bit of a fashion victim.

Kim:
Thank you Sharon. I do try.

Brett:
Well Cujo says hi.

Brett’s Mother:
Well darling she's a bitch too.

Kim:
I'm dying in this townhouse.

Kath:
Hi Sharon, you met a guy!

Sharon:
How'd you know, Mrs. D?

Kath:
Oh, I can feel it in me waters!

Kim:
Who is this so called "guy"? He's not a bloody doctor, is he?

Kath:
Hallelujah! The droughts broken!

Kim:
Well, I wouldn't open my flood gates yet.

Brett:
Well, there it is. I know it's the worst house, but it's on the best street. It's what you're supposed to buy.

Kim:
No, you've got it all wrong. You're supposed to buy the best house on the worst street, 'cause then you can lord it over people.

Brett:
I don't want to lord it over people.

Kim:
Well, doesn't that just sum it up, Acting Assistant Deputy Sales Manager in Charge of Software. Wow, I'm impressed... not.

Kim:
What about me? I'm stuck at home with Epponnee on my face, mum on my back and Kel up my goat. How would you like it?

Brett:
Don't get all pussy-bum on me.

Kim:
I'm just bored, Brett. Bored stupid.

Kath:
Frankly, these days a spa pool is essential if you're going to over-capitalise.

Kim:
It's beautiful! It's got a gym, a pool and a mezza-noyne.

Kath:
A mezza-noyne?!

Together:
It's noyce, it's diff'rent, it's un-ewes-ual, yes, a mezza-noyne.

Kath:
[To Kel, upon hearing that they've been chosen to star in an adult nappies commercial] You wouldn't believe the money, Kel, they're talking THREE figures!

Kath:
What are you reading there, Kim?

Kim:
The Da Vinci Code, I'm reading it to Epponnee as a bedtime story.

Kath:
Oh, yes, I'm reading that, but I'm reading the abridged version. It's called the Eensie-Weensie Da Vinci Code.

Kim:
Mum, why is there barely any water in here?

Kath:
Well it's a drought Kim! Phase 2 at the moment!

Kim:
Oh, just fill it up -- I would!

Kath:
No Kim! The farmers! [quietly] Actually Kim, Kel did fill it up the other day but bozzo next door dobbed us in.

Kim:
So what are we sitting in now?

Kath:
This is grey water, it's washing up water.

Kim:
[takes sponge out of water and throws it on ground] Ewwww! Mum!

Kath:
Well Kim, that's what we're reduced to, thanks to -- [neighbour sticky-beaks] Oh yes! Having a good butcher's, are we? No, don't try and hide! We can see you!

Kim:
We can see you!

Kim:
[To Kylie Minogue] Let's celebrate! Would you like a car-donnay, Kylie?

Kath:
Stewpid girl, Kim. It's not car-donnay, the correct pronunciation is shah-donnay.

Kim:
Mum, it's French, the haitch is silent. Back me up, here, Kylie!

Kylie:
Yeah, she's right, Mrs. D., I've been to Paris, and h is silent, it's car-donnay.

Kath:
Well, excuse me for living, Kylie.

Sharon:
Where pacifically in the specific were you gonna go, Mrs D.?

Kel:
What is so wrong with two baby-boomers getting it on for a photo while we're still both incredibly fit?

Kath:
[After Kel experiences heartburn masquerading as angina.] Well, you heard what Dr. Ng said. Gotta go all low-fat from now on. Gotta watch your cholesterol. I mean, I don't want you pushing up the daisies just when I'm smelling the roses.

Kel:
It'll be good for us, and I can afford to lose a few kilos. We can see it as a bit of a challenge.

Kath:
Yeah! It'll be something to do, won't it, doll? Oh goodie! I feel a bit energised by your near-death experience.

Kim:
Mum, your pants are split.

Kath:
Oh, no, I just bought these lovely latte capris. They must have shrunk in the wash.

Kim:
No, I think this time you're the one stacking on the kilos! I think for once, the mule is on the other foot.

Kath:
You're the mule, you stupid girl.

Brett:
"(talking about Epponnee) She could be prime minister..."

Kim:
"I'm thinking bigger than that, Brett. She could be on Neighbours!"

Kim:
[In a flash-forward 20 years, to an offscreen Epponnee-Rae.] Epponnee, hurry up! And don't forget your fake-tan.

Kim:
Epponnee, Silver Lady Coaches called. The flying saucers are going to be here any minute!

Kath:
Awww, little Epponnee-Rae, it's alright darling, Epponnee Raelene Charlene Kathleen Darlene Craig. You are getting more and more like your boo-tiful granny as the days go by. Look at her hair, Kimmie, it's getting a nice frizz to it!

Kim:
Oh, don't wish that on her! Although, I do think, luckily, personality-wise she's going to be like me.

Brett:
[In a flash-forward, to his daughter Epponnee, played by Kylie Minogue, on her wedding day] You look like a fairy-tale princess, Epps!

Epponnee:
Tell me something I don't know, Dad!

Sharon:
I think you look really gorgeous, Epps.

Epponnee:
Well, you're only hyew-man!!

Kim:
Sharon! What have you come as?

Sharon:
Well, this is my Polish national costume, Kim -- why?

Kim:
No! I said pole dancing!

Sharon:
Well I'm a Pole, Kim! Strzelecki. Well, half a Pole anyway, on my dad's side.

Kim:
NO! Sexy dancing with a pole!

Sharon:
Well, that sounds a bit stupid, Kim.

Kim:
Oh, it's stupid, is it? So are the people on Big Brother stupid? 'Cause they all do pole dancing.

Kath:
I wouldn't be playing the cold shoulder all too often with Brett, you know, Kim. The way he's presenting himself at the moment, he's a most irresistible package.

Kim:
Mum, Brett is not having an affair. Why would he go for fillet steak when he's got sausage meat at home? (Receives a text from Sharon telling her about Brett kissing Kelly) Brett had fillet steak last night!

Kim:
Stupid Sharon! (To Epponnee Rae) Mummy is a hornbag, isn't she?

Epponnee Rae:
Nuh...

Kim:
You little b - (brightens) You said your first word!

Kim:
Pissed mothers is such a bad look!