Laverne & Shirley, Season 2

Squiggy:
Lenny and I have two very respectful women upstairs, and we'd like to settle down to a nice, quiet orgy.

Squiggy:
Stop it, I'm going to lose my lust!

Laverne:
What would you have to do if we wanted a color TV?

Shirley:
We don't do those things.

Richie:
Well, maybe we should do something again sometime.

Shirley:
Anything but murder, mister.

Squiggy:
[To Lenny] What are you doing?!? When I'm talking to girls, don't stick your fingers in your mouth!

Big Rosie:
[To Shirley] She drowned my fox!! (after Laverne dumps her stole in the punch-bowl)

Lenny:
Me and Squiggy was talking and we decided that your kid oughta have a last name.

Laverne:
Huh?

Lenny:
On account of, if he don't, the poor little guy's never gonna get any mail.

Lenny:
So, me and Squiggy flipped a coin to see which one of us was gonna volunteer to be your husband.

Laverne:
Awwww, and you lost, huh?

Lenny:
No, I won.

Lenny:
Now, Kosnowski's a pretty good last name Laverne. I had it practically all my life. My grandfather told me it means 'Help, there's a hog in my kitchen!'.

Lenny:
I'm gonna make a good living. Plus, I'll practically never hit you or nothin'...

Laverne:
No thank you. I'd rather sell my body to science.

Rosie:
Who else would buy it, DeFazio?

Shirley:
What kind of guys give girls dimes to dance?

Laverne:
Guys with small change.

Squiggy:
[To Shirley, after seeing her stuffed chest] Look at you! You're all... swelled up! What do you, got the mumps?

Laverne:
I know that voice, and I hate the person it's attached to!

Shirley:
Hair all grungy, full of goo, shake and brush out, Quicky Poo!

Shirley:
We're suing that company! We're suing Quicky Poo, we're suing the cleaners, and we're suing Kukla, Fran and Ollie!

Laverne:
Sue Kukla and Fran, but not Ollie.

Shirley:
I'm shaving my legs. This ugly stubble is showing through my nylons.

Laverne:
Ugly stubble, huh? That's what holds my nylons up!

Laverne:
You got nylons? All I got was a glow-in-the-dark snow scraper.

Laverne:
Where am I going to get water?

Shirley:
I don't know, just get me some water from SOME place!

[Laverne looks towards the toilet and smiles]

Shirley:
[Pops her head out the shower] Don't even think about it.

Shirley:
My scalp is all itchy, I feel like I have athlete's head!

Squiggy:
Oh my God, she's cooking herself to death!

Lenny:
Hey don't kill yourself Shirl, They'll be other fires!

Lenny and Squiggy:
[In unison] Fire, fire, fire, someone get the net! Here come the firemen, to get the fire wet! SHHH goes the hose and DING goes the bell....

Shirley:
Darn it! Thou Shall Not Kill is missing! I can't wear THIS!

Shirley:
We won't go out with just any old creep!

Laverne:
Yeah, only those who ask us!

Squiggy:
(Calling from the dumbwaiter) Laverne, Shirley!

Laverne/Shirley:
What?

Squiggy:
Come on up here, Lenny just swallowed his comb!

Laverne/Shirley:
OK!

Laverne:
Squiggy, Come over here and grab his Tounge!

Squiggy:
What are you doing? He didn't swallow no comb! That was a gimmick to get you up here! Sheesh!

Laverne:
A gimmick? [Laverne and Shirley dropped Lenny down as she talked to Squiggy] What was the big deal here? Uh choking on a comb? How you like to choke on one my curlers!

Lenny:
They gave us... little hats!

Laverne:
Are my tonsil's still there?

Shirley:
[Looks inside of Laverne's mouth] Oh yeah, you still got em. You also got the world's biggest hicky on your mouth.

Shirley:
Excuse me. But how do you say meatloaf in french?

Waiter:
(rolling eyes) You Don't.

The gang searches for it on the menu:
Youdon't...Youdon't.

Squiggy:
Oh, look at that wine! It's white, just like Barbara...

Laverne:
Hey, Len, I'll trade you a brain for a chop.

Lenny:
Now what am I going to do with a brain?

Squiggy:
Here, why don't you just suck on a wing, huh?

Laverne/Shirley:
I solemnly swear that I will never tell another living sole that I went out on a date with Lenny & Squiggy.

Shirley:
Charles Pfister Krane has a reputation!

Squiggy:
So does my sister.

Milk and Pepsi hit yet spot