Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Season 12

Benson:
Who you calling?

Stabler:
Hardwicke. Seeing what we should do with Chuckles here.

Fin:
I'm ahead of you. Hardwicke's in Albany meetin' with the AG. The temp ADA's on the way.

Stabler:
Well, hopefully, it's somebody who knows how to sort through this mess.

Paxton:
How 'bout me, hon? Messes are my specialty. [enters the squad room] Hey, Stabler. Miss me?

Benson:
[surprised] Sonya, what are you doin' here?

Paxton:
You mean, how did I escape the drunk tank?

Stabler:
No, she means, why us?

[Chuck opens the door to his room, expecting to see Carla]

Chuck:
Carla, baby? Daddy's here. [drops his pants] You called, Chuck-a-luck delivers, big time! [suddenly, the lamp turns on; on Chuck's bed is Paxton] Whoa! [puts his pants back on]

Paxton:
Doesn't look that big to me.

Chuck:
Who the hell are you?

Paxton:
Sonya Paxton. I'm from the District Attorney's office. I heard you had something that could really rock my world, but...

[Benson, Stabler, and Carla enter]

Benson:
Hey. Funny. You never told us you had a girlfriend.

Stabler:
Chuck Mills, you're under arrest for abortion in the second degree.

Chuck:
I want a lawyer!

Paxton:
Get a good one, 'cause I'm gonna kick your ass.

Chuck:
There's nothin' in that tube but lube!

[Stabler tells Paxton about what Kathleen had done]

Paxton:
Your daughter?! You didn't have the balls to do your own dirty work, so you sent your kid to break the law for you?!

Stabler:
Nobody broke the law!

Paxton:
What is wrong with you people?! GOD! How many Brady violations do you have to get slapped with?! You can't keep screwin' up like this!

Stabler:
If you would just shut...! Just shut up for one second. I can explain.

Paxton:
No, no, you shut up! I'll explain to you. Okay?! You just handed Chuck Mills a get-out-of-jail-free card!

Stabler:
Chuck Mills isn't going anywhere, because I didn't tell my daughter to take the file.

Paxton:
Oh! Right! Right! And I should believe you, because you have a reputation for playing by the book, and it's beyond reproach!

Stabler:
You know somethin'?! I hope you're not on the sauce right now, 'cause I got a policy against strangling drunks. Go have a drink.

Clerk:
Docket ending 419. People vs. Henry Shaw Roberts. One count each: Assault in the second degree, criminally negligent homicide, endangering the welfare of a child.

Judge Preston:
Busy man, Mr. Roberts. How do you plead?

Hank:
Not guilty.

Hunter:
On all counts, your honor. And the homicide charge is a stretch.

Hardwicke:
The defendant forced his stepson to fight a 10-year-old and bet on the winner. What would you call the death of that child?

Judge Preston:
I'll let the grand jury decide. Bail, Miss Hardwicke?

Hardwicke:
Remand, your honor. When he's not promoting kiddie fights, the defendant spends his spare time beating up his wife and stepson.

Hunter:
My client has never been arrested. He has a steady job and strong ties to the community.

Judge Preston:
First offense, Miss Hardwicke. Can you live with 50,000 bail?

Hardwicke:
If it's cash only and comes with an order of protection for Mrs. Roberts.

Judge Preston:
So ordered. Mr. Roberts, you are not to come within 200 feet of your wife, your stepson, or your home.

Hank:
Then where the hell am I gonna stay?

Judge Preston:
Rikers Island, if you violate the order. Unless you'd rather go now.

Hunter:
That won't be necessary. Mr. Roberts will abide by your ruling.

Judge Preston:
Then we're done, aren't we? 10-minute recess. [bangs gavel]

[during Doug and Jane's arraignment]

Judge Andrews:
Lot of charges here, Miss Hardwicke. I hope you aren't trying to substitute quantity for quality.

Hardwicke:
Your honor, the defendants are serial con artists who've defrauded countless victims.

Seaver:
Then why isn't the gallery overflowing with 'em?

Hardwicke:
[turns to Jerry in the gallery] One is seated right there. Jerry Bullard.

Seaver:
You mean the man who's willingly paying for my client's defense.

Hardwicke:
That's irrelevant.

Judge Andrews:
Mr. Shankman, wanna pipe in here on behalf of your client?

Shankman:
Yes. Yes. My client would like to plead not guilty, your honor.

Seaver:
As does mine.

Hardwicke:
And the People request remand for both defendants, who have displayed quite a talent for trickery, coercion, and threats. Both use aliases, both lack community ties, and both are an extreme flight risk.

Seaver:
Your honor, I don't know about this other suspect, but my client has no history of violence and has never been charged with a crime.

Doug:
Uh, me, neither. I've never even been fingerprinted.

Judge Andrews:
Sir, if you have something to say, you need to say it through counsel.

Doug:
[about his attorney] But he's not sayin' anything.

Hardwicke:
Your honor, in addition to the charges before you, the defendants are also suspects in an out-of-state murder. It would be irresponsible to allow them to go...

Judge Andrews:
Are you asking for an extradition hold?

Hardwicke:
Well, no. Special Victims collected the defendants' DNA and sent it to Miami PD. But we're still awaiting confirmation.

Judge Andrews:
Then you're tap-dancing while I should be at lunch. Bail will be set for each defendant at $250,000. Both will surrender their passports. [bangs gavel]

Fin:
Hardwicke's in Miami at a Bar conference. Any idea who's our temporary ADA?

Novak:
How 'bout one back from the dead?

[Casey Novak herself enters the squad room, to Stabler and Fin's surprise]

Stabler:
Casey Novak!

Novak:
Alive, and fairly well.

Greer:
You're not going to let them arrest me?

Greer's Boss:
Yes, and shake their hands when they're finished.

Captain Cragen:
Hold up. Liv, I'm gonna have to pull you.

Benson:
Why?

Captain Cragen:
You're gonna have to finish interviewing Mackenzie. Her mom is demanding a penis-free environment.

Benson:
Am I to understand that Mackenzie had a nose job?

Pamela:
She broke it years ago in a skateboarding accident. Her foster parents didn't even take her to the hospital.

Kevin:
It caused a deviated septum. We got it fixed for her. Why is that a problem?

Benson:
It was an unnecessary cosmetic surgery.

Kevin:
Excuse me. If giving a child a nose job is a crime, you'd have to arrest half the parents on the Upper West Side.

[Benson and Stabler unplug Jeff's video game as he is playing it]

Jeff:
WHOA! Where the hell'd you come from?

Stabler:
The real world. Join us.

[Stabler shows Amber a picture of her daughter, Rose]

Amber:
Not my daughter.

Stabler:
Now, you just said that you have a daughter named Rose.

Amber:
I do. Somewhere.

Stabler:
That's not her?

Amber:
It looks like her, and this girl's been living in our apartment. But she's an imposter.

Benson:
[about Vicki's 2000 rape kit] Why'd it take so long to test it?

Winters:
'Cause we have thousands of kits sitting in the freezer. How bad's your backlog?

Benson:
We don't have one. Every kit is tested after an assault, and the results are forwarded back to us and to the D.A.

Winters:
[gets a phone call] That was the lab. The DNA from Vicki's rape kit is degraded.

Benson:
Oh, I can't catch a break!

Winters:
But the tech's willing to testify he's got enough matching alleles to ID.

Benson:
I'm gonna collar this guy's ass, and then I'm gonna send it to you on a silver platter.

Winters:
It's yours. California has a 10-year statute. The clock ran out on Vicki's rape three weeks ago.

Benson:
You knew all along that you couldn't prosecute?

Winters:
But I knew you could. Go get the prick.

Vicki:
[to Harris] Now I'll always know where you are. Be a good boy. [slams the cell door shut] Behave yourself.

[Benson and Stabler observe child prostitutes during a stakeout]

Benson:
They're not your kids, El.

Stabler:
I know.

Benson:
We can't save them all.

Stabler:
I'd settle for just one.

Benson:
As long as we keep criminalizing victims instead of going after their perps, it's never gonna happen. We should at least arrest their johns.

Stabler:
So what? It's a slap on the wrist. I mean, Spitzer walked; he was a former prosecutor.

Benson:
Guy gets caught with an under-aged hooker, the charge should be rape!

Stabler:
Hard time isn't a deterrent.

Benson:
Neither is the death penalty. It's just the price of doing business. It's time to treat these bastards like the scum they really are.

Fin:
[to the pimps] Fact: you are all now my bitches!

Dr. Huang:
Lindsay Elding was poisoned. [shows mushrooms on the media screen]

Munch:
By who? The Smurfs?

Mikka:
[walking out of the courthouse with Stabler] I think we're gonna make a great team

Stabler:
Me too. [sees Cragen walking up the courthouse steps] Captain. How's the old place?

Captain Cragen:
It's all getting squared away.

Mikka:
Captain Cragen. I've been looking forward to meeting you. Mikka Von, your new ADA.

Captain Cragen:
Yeah, well, nice knowing you. Your boss called. He's tied up. Asked me to deliver a message. Pack your bags. Go back to Chicago.

Mikka:
[scoffs] I'm being fired by proxy?

Stabler:
What's going on?

Captain Cragen:
Apparently, you sent a defense attorney on vacation, sub rosa. D.A. doesn't like dirty tricks.

Stabler:
Unless he's the one doing them.

Captain Cragen:
I'm sorry.

Mikka:
[to Stabler] Well, I guess I gotta go take my loft off the market.

Stabler:
[shakes hands with Mikka] Been nice working with you.

Mikka:
Back at you. [walks away]

Captain Cragen:
She one of the good ones?

Stabler:
Yeah.

Benson:
Are you proud of yourself? You trashed her.

Hardwicke:
My job's to win the case.

Benson:
No, your job is to make sure that justice is done! Convicting Camille isn't justice.

Hardwicke:
That's for the jury to decide.

Benson:
The jury is going to throw the book at her because you turned her into some crazy slut. Congratulations!

[detectives find evidence linking Gammon to several rapes]

Gammon:
What happens now?

Stabler:
Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Stabler:
[looking at a picture of Camille] Her with her dad before he was sent away to Bellevue?

Benson:
We're all branded, I guess. By our parents, our childhoods.

Stabler:
Think you turned out all right.

Benson:
Makes one of us.

Stabler:
[Discussing the victim, who was found in a load of commercial laundry] We know where the load came from?

Dr. Warner:
Mercy Hospital.

Benson:
This was no mercy killing.

Stabler:
When you get the itch you call your bitch!

Agent Lewis:
I need you to run this rape kit as a Jane Doe.

Benson:
Who's the victim?

Agent Lewis:
Me.

Agent Lewis:
The PAT's plan was to spark a revolution by killing a cop. And you guys served up that state trooper on a silver platter. Then, after all of New York's finest would attend the funeral, they would just blow everybody else up. [tosses a grenade towards Stabler and he catches it]

Stabler:
Hey, hey. I don't have a good track record with you and explosives. [Nervously hands grenade back to her]

Agent Lewis:
Oh relax, Nancy. The pin is in it.

Agent Lewis:
[to the man who ordered her rape] I'm going to get past this. Unlike you, I'm going to have a life.

Stabler:
A bar graph of penis size?

Munch:
You were expecting a pie chart?

Calvin:
I made this for you in art class. It's you.

Benson:
Calvin, it's beautiful!

Calvin:
I signed it.

Benson:
"Calvin Benson". [pause]

Calvin:
Because you rescued me.

Benson:
[choked up] Go to school.

Hardwicke:
[of Vivian and Sarah] Codependent and drug-dependent. It's like Sid and Nancy, except they're both Nancy.

Hank:
No broad in a black robe is gonna keep me from what's mine.

Stabler:
If she doesn't, I will.

Fin:
How'd it go?

Stabler:
Sandra's the queen of denial, and Hank is a human hand grenade ready to explode.

Fin:
If Cragen hadn't stepped in yesterday, he would've blown. Too bad. [Stabler smirks at him] I got a son too, remember?

Stabler:
I hope you die a slow, painful death! Have a nice day.

Hardwicke:
The guy's not dumb. He went to law school.

Fin:
Since when was that mutually exclusive?

Protester:
When God makes you pregnant, stay pregnant; when God make you barren, stay barren.

Stabler:
When God gives you a uterus, maybe we'll listen to your sermon.

Dr. Huang:
[about a rapist who wears a god mask] He's a narcissist.

Stabler:
Well, yeah, he thinks he's a god!

Rivera:
This a conjugal visit?

Danielson:
You're never gonna have sex ever again. At least not the consenting kind.

Sunny:
So what, I took the money? I earned it!

Benson:
Let me ask you something: was it worth it?

Sunny:
Talk to me in 10 years when you have nothing: no family, no future and a dead career. How's that sound?

Benson:
I'm not you Sunny, I'm nothing like you.

Sunny:
Then why are you so scared?

[Benson and Stabler approach a billionaire rapist's private jet]

Stabler:
Hayes has a female pilot. That's interesting.

Benson:
Something tells me his glass ceiling is the mirror over his bed.

Benson:
Jordy is no different from any other predator. He's just better dressed.

Stabler:
It's called the bystander effect. No one does anything because they think someone else will.

Stabler:
I get that Engels was traumatized, but why kidnap an innocent girl?

Dr. Huang:
Control. His parents' deaths and his brother's kidnapping took it from him; this is his way of getting it back.

Fin:
A-hole couldn't get a hobby?

Stabler:
Want me to cut my vacation short?

Benson:
No, I'm covered. I'm good.

Stabler:
Well, Fin may have your 6, but he's definitely not me.

Fin:
No, I'm better. I actually watch her back, and not her backside.

Alicia:
I don't have the stomach for it anymore. 25 years looking for this piece of garbage, and he gets a gym membership and cable while his victims rot in the ground or bleed out a bathroom floor.

Benson:
So she brings home a date, opens something from the company cellar, and he attacks her.

Stabler:
So much for romance.

Fin:
I screwed up my shoulder busting in your back door - don't make me break my fist on your face.

Benson:
You sure this guy's out here? The only thing I've seen in the last half hour is a five pound rat.

Stabler:
Yeah, you've got it bad? I just saw a transvestite that looks like Munch.

Cassandra:
Doug is my twin. Do you even know that means? We share a soul. Ever since we came to be in our mother's womb, we've been together. We always will be.

Benson:
It's still incest.

Stabler:
Twin-cest.

Professor:
I was at work. Ask any of my students.

Benson:
Students? You were caught feeling up a 10-year-old.

Professor:
But I wasn't convicted.

Benson:
Still, I'm pretty shocked that Hudson University didn't fire you.

Professor:
They can't. I have tenure.

Stabler:
Welcome to the perv parade that leads to nowhere.

June:
I let my whole family be destroyed. How can I forgive myself?

Cap:
You can start by letting me help you try.

[Novak tries to get the victim of a 47-year-old rape to testify]

Novak:
I know that reliving the rape is painful...

Lorna:
You don't know the meaning of the word! Have you ever been looked upon as something less than human? Denied service? Spit on? Beaten? Raped repeatedly?

Ken:
Why do you have such a hard-on for me?

Stabler:
'Cause you can't keep yours out of unsuspecting women.

Ken:
C'mon, admit it, detective. You know you want to bang your partner. Watch her grow swollen with your child. And why not, man? She'd give you beautiful babies.

[Hunter Mazelon has falsely accused Stabler of molesting him]

Stabler:
I don't touch children. I protect them.

Captain Cragen:
Do you need a remedial English course, Elliot? How do I make you understand the words "Stay away from Hunter Mazelon"?

Stabler:
Look, I thought he was stalking a new victim.

Captain Cragen:
Well, that might have helped your case if you hadn't been so ass-reamingly wrong.

Hunter:
Hey, speaking of family, do you have a sister who teaches here?

Munch:
No, why?

Hunter:
There's a calculus teacher who looks a lot like you. [menacing] Maybe I'll have her next year.

Fin:
Not where you're going. [loads him into a police car] Watch your head.

Munch:
Did he just threaten my hypothetical sister?

[The detectives arrest Ronson as he's cutting a customer's hair]

Customer:
But, he's not finished. When can I reschedule?

Stabler:
About 25 years.