Law & Order: UK, Series 5

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
So this man has been passing himself off as a doctor at a major London teaching hospital for nearly 2 years?

DS Matt Devlin:
Reasuring isn't it? Put on a white coat, stethoscope... people believe anything you say.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Bit like a wig and a gown

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Too right... I've been getting away with it for years!

DS Ronnie Brooks:
It's like dealing with the medical mafia.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I think we ought to arrange a rendevous with Deep Throat.

DS Matt Devlin:
[practically purrs]

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Not the porn film. [Matt grins]

DS Ronnie Brooks:
So basically Dr Grant is going for the Shaggy defense.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
It wasn't me.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Exactly. ... What? Young persons music, Matty. My girls keep me with it!

DS Matt Devlin:
You were doing really well. Until you said with it.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Judging by the handwriting most of these doctors are serial killers.

DS Matt Devlin:
Snatching a kid from a ride in front of his own mum. This bastard's got balls.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Yeah, and I know what I'd like to do with them

DS Ronnie Brooks:
If the dads taken the kid then hopefully he's safe.

DS Matt Devlin:
[sarcastically] Yeah, cos dad's never hurt their own kids, do they...

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Being away from his kids can break a dad's heart.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
You don't know how it feels not to see your own kids, Matt.

DS Matt Devlin:
[offers Ronnie his sandwich which - unusually - he turns down, making Matt realise something is wrong.] Sarah still not returning your calls...?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Well, you've never had the pleasure of walking down the aisle, Matty.

Kayla:
I wish you were my dad

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Not sure my daughters would agree.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
My eldest daughter Sarah, she's about your age, she's expecting a baby

Kayla:
You're gonna be a grandad?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
If she lets me. She's not returning my calls.

Kayla:
Why not?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Cos the dad she remembers chose a bottle of whiskey over her.

Kayla:
I bet all she wants is a big hug from her dad [Kayla sobs in Ronnie's arms]

Kayla:
[Opens the door to the airing cupboard, where a toddlers body is hidden] He's in heaven, Ronnie. My baby boy is in heaven with the angels.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
I'm not dropping the murder charge to save the ministry of justice a few quid, Henry.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
She's as sane as any one of us and you know it.

Yvette Dyer:
You really don't remember me, do you?

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Sorry, should I?

Yvette Dyer:
Phone number on the bedside table would have been nice.

Yvette Dyer:
If she's not fit to plead she's not fit to plead. It's not rocket science.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Well it's a good job none of us are rocket scientists.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I've been a copper long enough to hope that if I charge someone with murder they'll be tried for murder!

Gregor Browning:
Are you telling this court that the life of a two year old is in the hands of a temp?

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
And you'd remember if your social worker came round on the night that your kid died.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Henry will be thrilled that you've saved the MOJ the cost of another trial.

Yvette Dyer:
Mmm, and you don't have to spar across the court for the next few weeks. Result.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
[Remembering their last 'encounter'] Blue tulip. Left shoulder blade. Some things I don't forget.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Do you fancy a pint?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I can't tonight. I've got plans. I'm seeing my daughter.

DS Matt Devlin:
[About a corpse found in her underwear] Nice line in underwear.

DS Matt Devlin:
Working girl. Explains the push up bra.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
You knew she was a Tom

Michael Hunter:
I suspected it. I didn't mind though.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
That's not what I asked.

Michael Hunter:
She's another one.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Escort?

Michael Hunter:
Eastern European.

Lilly:
Traces of spermicide and lubricant, she'd had sex but with a condom, no sign of rape… bit of bruising but I'd say the sex was energetic, not violent.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I remember that

DS Matt Devlin:
What? Having sex?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
No, being energetic.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
[About the murder victims blog that is largely about her sexlife] I don't understand this, what happened to keeping things private.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
There's stuff on here I wouldn't even tell meself!

DI Natalie Chandler:
Ronnie? Noone's listening.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Infact I'd be tempted to say there's a whole lot of 'Loveck' going on

DI Natalie Chandler:
Yeah, resist it.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
There's a lot of men out there looking for company

DS Matt Devlin:
I sort of understand the curb crawlers, business transaction and everyone knows it.

DS Matt Devlin:
It's sad!

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Not sad, Matty. Just lonely.

DS Matt Devlin:
[Looks suspiciously at Ronnie]

DS Matt Devlin:
What do you think I am? Some sort of Neanderthal?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Never ending source of wonder, Matt!

DS Ronnie Brooks:
[About books going onto electronic format (ebooks etc)] You can't do that if it's been digitamalised.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Wear a wig, Jury's like them, gravitas I suppose. Without it you look like my PA.

Phyllis Gladstone:
So, Robin. How's your new Batman?

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Great. We're uh.. a dynamic duo.

Phyllis Gladstone:
Rubbish! He's driving you mad, I can see it in your eyes. Don't worry, you'll fall for him. All his assistants do.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Well. When I see his "assistant" I'll tell her.

DS Matt Devlin:
Unless you've got something important to say, shut up!

Tina:
I ain't going nowhere! I need to take a piss every 30 seconds!

DS Matt Devlin:
He eats boys like you for breakfast.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Oh no, Matty. He don't eat them, he-

DS Matt Devlin:
Alight Ron, we get the idea.

DS Matt Devlin:
Don't make me play bad cop.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
You wouldn't like him when he pays bad cop.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
You called us here for these 2?

PC:
I heard on the radio male female..

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I think we also said they were through puberty.

PC:
Look, I called you as soon as [the shop owner] called me. [The shop owner explains that the kids were stealing cigarettes]

DS Ronnie Brooks:
You shouldn't even be smoking!

Kid:
We don't! They're bad for you. We sell them at school to the year 10's.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
You've got to stop watching The Apprentice!

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
See this? Pretty face. Me, more than.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Hammers supporter?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Yes?

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Unlucky. [Ronnie grins]

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
There were 21 calls to the police station that day and I can't believe anyone would claim to be 'The Thatch' unless they were a little... *taps his head*

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
It's important to him, which makes it important to us.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
Spoken like a true civil servant.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Shut up and buy me lunch.

DS Matt Devlin:
He doesn't take much interest in his wife's business.

DI Natalie Chandler:
Oh, so a typical healthy marriage then.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
[takes Matt's sugar] I'll have that. He's sweet enough [Matt grins]

DS Matt Devlin:
I mean that bloke's got more lives than my cat.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Have you got a cat?

DS Matt Devlin:
Yeah, Lucky Luciano. 17. Never had a scratch on him.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
What comes after S in the alphabet, Matty?

DS Matt Devlin:
T

DS Ronnie Brooks:
That'd be lovely. Got any biccies?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
[regarding doctors' notes of a dead patient] Basically, we could be dealing with another Dr. Crippen, and I just would not have a clue. Although, look. Judging from some of the handwriting, I'd say half these doctors were serial killers, anyway.

CPS Director Henry Sharpe:
You realize the Prime Minister had his adenoids removed at the Alderman (Hospital)?

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne:
I remember the press conference. He was very impressed by the staff's professionalism.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
[amused] Well, that's come back to bite him.

CPS Director Henry Sharpe:
Well and truly.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Back in the days when I was drinking, I once went on a bender for three days. Now, aside from a train ticket to Hull and a receipt for two hedge trimmers, It's still a complete blank.

CPS Director Henry Sharpe:
A lot of men feel emasculated by a woman being the main breadwinner. Never understood it myself. I've been angling to be a kept man for years. Sadly, Mrs. Sharpe is not amenable.