Little Miss Jocelyn

Salesman:
Hey...(No answer) Hi... Hello...

Shop Assistant:
...Hiii...(bored tone)

Salesman:
Err... I'm from a company called Simon-N-Tell...

Shop Assistant:
Simon N Tell yeah...

Salesman:
We err specialize in women's clothes...

Shop Assistant:
Women's clothes (pronounced "clofes")

Salesman:
Every piece is a one-off

Shop assistant:
Piece one-off.

Salesman:
So I was wondering if you would-

Shop Assistant:
trying out some samples, yeah?

Salesman:
Or shall I be speaking to the manager?

Shop Assistant:
Should you be speaking to the manager?

Salesman:
You don't have to buy 'em now.

Shop Assistant:
Oh you don't wanna buy 'em now?

Salesman:
I don't wanna buy 'em.

Shop Assistant:
Have you seen anything else that you like?

Salesman:
Sorry, It's been a long day-

Shop Assistant:
Yeah It has been a long day.

Salesman:
Oh it's only ten in the morning.

Shop Assistant:
Yeah it's 10 o'cloooock!

Salesman:
Yeah It hasn't been a long day for you.

Shop Assistant:
So it hasn't been a long day for you.

Salesman:
Yeah, it has been a long day for me, I've been travelling from Birmingham since five.

Shop Assistant:
... been travelling from Birmingham since five, yeah.

Salesman:
Yeah. So what time did you start?

Shop Assistant:
What time did you start?

Salesman:
I just told I've been travelling from Birmingham since five.

Shop Assistant:
...travelling from Birmingham since five.

Salesman:
Yeah so...

Shop Assistant:
Yeah so... Okay

Salesman:
Ah sorry, are you... please tell me your the manager.

Shop Assistant's friend:
Okay... I'm the manager! (grins)

Salesman:
I was trying to talk to your colleague..

Shop Assistant:
He talking to your colleague...

Shop Assistant's friend:
Colleague? What colleague?

Shop Assistant:
Colleague? What colleague?

Shop Assistant:
You.

Shop Assistant's friend:
Me.

Shop Assistant:
Yeah you

Shop Assistant's friend:
But I've never spoken to you.

Shop Assistant:
Yeah, she never even spoken to ya.

Salesman:
You know I've had a really stressful day.

Shop Assistant:
Oh it's been a stressful day.

Shop Assistant's friend:
Oh it's been such a stressful day but let's try and sort this out. Show us what you bought?

Shop Assistant:
Yeah, show us what you bought.

Jiffy:
This will take a loooooong time!

Jiffy:
Never in the life of myself have I seen a such a vehicle (pronounced ve-hee-cle) of junkification.

Jiffy:
I can do whatever the damnation I feel exclaimation mark!

Jiffy:
The Queen, (pronounced 'quain') her majesty's rose (bows head)

Paulette:
No! No! No! Noooooahh!

Paulette:
Don't want it anymore

Ignatius:
I don't got time!

Ignatius:
...you use your pulley puller!

Ignatius:
Do not believe people when they say you are safer travelling by air than you are on the roads because I have crashed my car into a plane before!

Ignatius:
Just don't crash and you'll be fine.

Florence, the Juju Nurse with the Nhs:
This is your last appointment, Save yourself!

Florence, the Juju Nurse with the Nhs:
Now take off your hair/coat and stand on the scales

Florence, the Juju Nurse with the Nhs:
Ooooh! Would you like to lick cake off my eyeballs? I keep them in a bowl!

Florence, the Juju Nurse with the Nhs:
Ooh, you are heavy!

Florence, the Juju Nurse with the Nhs:
The government doesn't want you to be this size/fat/heavy.

Florence, the Juju Nurse with the Nhs:
Mm-hmm!

Florence, the Juju Nurse with the Nhs:
Dream of this.

Sheson:
Cor blimey geezer mate!

Sheson:
You can't come on to my bus, flapping your map about, slap my face with a four-fingered glove!

Sheson:
(To passenger with a baby in a pram) Take your spaceship off my bus!

Sheson:
I am going to Kennington! Cheers, mate!

Sheson:
(Singing) Ing tha naame of Jesus! Ing tha naame of Jesus!

Sheson:
(To woman with poodle) Eh, take your sheep off my bus! What does this look like, Noah's ark?

Sheson:
Do I look like A to Z?

Sheson:
Do you do that at home?

Sheson:
Lots of my friends are fat and they would eat you!

Sheson:
Hey! Sodom and Gomorrah!

Toilet Attendant:
Do you want a lollipop, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan??

Toilet Attendant:
(Coughing and spluttering noises) Hmmmmm! I don't need to ask what you did in there man. That was definitely a gallon of number 3!

Toilet Attendant:
And I'll give you some antibiotics, 'cos that water is contam-u-nated maan!

Toilet Attendant:
Voulez-vous le lollipop, mademoiselle, maaaaaaaaan!?

Toilet Attendant:
People go into my toilettes weighing 10 stone. They come out, weighing 9 stone 4 pounds.

Toilet Attendant:
What was that? A number 1,2,3 or 4?!

Toilet Attendant:
One pound!