Magnum, P.I., Season 2

Higgins:
As you may have noticed, I've fired the groundskeeper. Until I can find a successor, I'd like you to assume some of the responsibilities.

Magnum:
But Higgins, I don't know the first thing about gardening!

Higgins:
I assure you, the kind of work I had in mind requires no intelligence what so ever.

Magnum:
Like what?

Higgins:
Like distributing 1500 lbs. of recycled vegetation that was delivered this morning.

Magnum:
Recycled vegetation!? What do you mean 'recycled vegetation'? Recycled how?

Higgins:
[smiles] Through a cow.

Rick:
You better be right, sweetheart.

Magnum:
Come on, when have I ever been wrong?

Rick:
I can't count that high.

Magnum:
This was one of those days I wish I'd listened to my mother and studied to be an orthodontist. Looking into someone's mouth has gotta be better than staring death in the face.

Higgins:
After the war, the Cliffords suffered some sort of a disgrace. They were ostracized from society. I don't imagine you'd understand that sort of thing, would you, Magnum? On the other hand, perhaps you would.

Magnum:
[narrating] If I believed in ghosts, I'm sure I'd be frightened by now, but, since I didn't, the pounding in my chest must have been due to exertion.

Magnum:
[narrating] If any place looked like it should be haunted, it was the old Clifford Estate. The overgrowth and the cobwebs were all legit. Not that I was scared; but I did make a point of going in the daytime.

T.C.:
Um, T.M., did you come up with this plan all by your lonesome?

Magnum:
Yeah. What's the matter?

T.C.:
I don't know. Well, I don't know yet. I just keep remembering the plan you had to get all the POW's out of Cambodia.

Magnum:
T.C., there is no comparison between that plan and this one.

T.C.:
I hope not. I don't need any more scars.

Magnum:
[to Yuri] Remember I told you I didn't like getting egg on my face? Well, right now, I'm wearing a whole omelet.

Magnum:
[narrating] Dreams are supposed to represent your subconscious wishes and conflicts. It's sort of a private movie you write, produce and direct. Only you can't hide your eyes in your dreams, even when they are scaring you to death.

Higgins:
[To Rick] A formal complaint has been lodged with you in regarding both unbecoming behavior and flagrant violations of the club's dress code.

Magnum:
Oh come on Higgins, I'm clean. I'm on the beach.

Higgins:
It's interesting how the guilty party defends himself, even before he's been accused.

Rick:
Oh, Thomas is usually accused before there's a complaint...That came out wrong, didn't it?

Magnum:
[narrating] One of the clichés of my profession is that to get information from a bartender you have to slip him some bills of various denominations; Bills that you can't afford, with pictures of unfamiliar presidents. And usually for information that isn't worth it. However, this was a special case and I wasn't in the mood for games.

Magnum:
[narrating] Another cliché about getting information from bartenders is that no matter how sincere they sound, you know as soon as you're out the door, they're on the phone warning the guy you want to see. And this guy didn't strike me as being particularly different.

Magnum:
[narrating] The death of a friend's never an easy thing to take, not in a rice paddy or on a pretty beach on Oahu. Either way, when they're young, it never makes sense.

Magnum:
[narrating] Hawaii is one of those places that, keeps topping itself. Just when you think you'll never see another sunset as beautiful, there comes a sunrise that only Gauguin could imagine. It kind of makes unemployment easier to take.

Magnum:
[narrating] You know, there's some quotations that would make good rules to live by, for instance "never drive behind an old man wearing a hat", or another, "it's always brightest just before the storm". If I'd have remembered that one, I'd have really been on my guard, because the afternoon it all started, was a truly beautiful day.

Magnum:
[during the chase of Mad Buck, who is joy-riding in the Ferrari] I was looking at several very grim possibilities involving the destruction of Buck, the Ferrari, innocent by-standers, and any combination thereof.

Magnum:
[narrating] Rule one in kidnapping cases: always call the Police. Rule two in kidnapping cases: never call the Police. The truth is you flip a coin and take your chances...

T.C.:
You expect me to hop over all 13 of these islands?

Magnum:
That's the name of your service, isn't it? Island Hoppers.

T.C.:
Yeah, I'm thinking about changing it to Magnum's Taxi Service!

Magnum:
[about Rick's black eye] So who was it Rick?

Rick:
D'you think it needs more wine?

Magnum:
Rick, come on, who was it?

Rick:
Catherine.

Magnum:
...Catherine who?

Rick:
[desperately trying to change the subject] T.C., what about the peppers?

Magnum:
Rick!

Rick:
I don't know, they don't have a last name.

T.C.:
Who doesn't have a last name?

Rick:
[long pause]: Nuns.

[T.C. and Magnum burst out laughing]

Rick:
W-well what's so funny?!

T.C.:
You mean to tell me, a NUN gave you that shiner?

Rick:
She thought I was trying to steal her car!

[T.C. and Magnum laugh even harder]

Rick:
Hey, she was a big Nun!

Magnum:
[narrating] If this had been a regular hire, I would have told "Ms." Chase where to stick her toe shoe, but, since it came through Robin, I had to take a deep breath, count to ten, and remember my blessings.

Rick:
I just put you on a case, Sherlock.

Magnum:
You can't do that. I'm already on a case.

Rick:
Yeah, well now you're on two. And boy, are you gonna thank me.

Magnum:
Boy, am I gonna kill you.

Magnum:
[narrating] I was running late; I'd taken too much time getting dressed; and that's a bad sign - instead of worrying about the job I was going to do for my client, my mind was taken up with picking exactly the right tie; as if it matters.

Virginia Fowler:
I like that tie.

[Magnum turns and smiles to camera]

Magnum:
I was a Naval intelligent.

Virginia Fowler:
Oh. You don't seem like the type. The Navy, I mean, not the intelligence.

Magnum:
I know what you mean.

Virginia Fowler:
You were in the Navy.

Magnum:
Yes, I was in the Navy. Uhh... career man, Navy all the way.

Virginia Fowler:
What happened?

Magnum:
I started asking myself a lot of questions.

Virginia Fowler:
And?

Magnum:
I'm still asking.

Rick:
Alright, I'll do the favor; But let's get one thing straight - I'm not gonna put on ANY dumb disguise, I'm not playing garbage men, delivery men, sewer men, any other kind of men, is that… that's final now, right?

Magnum:
Of course.

[Cut to next scene, where Rick is dressed as a bakery delivery man]

Magnum:
[narrating] Kate had been a wire service reporter working out of Saigon, when she came to do a story on our team. She was an idealist; not naive, but still an idealist. She wanted to write the truth. And if a truth happened to be location in a free-fire zone, or if the truth wasn't exactly what she thought it would be going in, well she'd write it anyway. That's the Kate we all fell for. And when she got wounded, it was a buddy getting hit.

Magnum:
[narrating] Nuns don't work on Sunday.

Magnum:
[narrating] Normally, the chance to make Higgins sweat would have seemed like a lot of fun. Today, it barely raised a smile.

Rick:
[to Magnum] This is a private club. Unless you've got membership money pal, I suggest you leave, and leave now.

Higgins:
He drove Robin's Ferrari over a cliff?

T.C.:
Well, I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose!

Higgins:
One can never be sure with Magnum. Well, he'd better survive if he knows what's good for him.

Margo:
[on seeing T.C.'s helicopter fly past the Estate] Who's that?

Magnum:
Oh, that is a buddy of mine, and he sometimes flies tourists over the Estate to see what famous person might be sun-bathing naked on the beach.

Margo:
Well I'm not famous or naked.

Magnum:
You will be... [pauses] famous.

Magnum:
[narrating] Even in the Hawaiian sunshine, football, to me, smelt like fall in New England. Some place there should be a prep band playing, pretty girls in short skirts, and I was 21 with an arm that could throw passes all afternoon.

Higgins:
[after Magnum has moved out of the guest house] Isn't it glorious, lads? I find the silence and serenity sublime. ...No screeching of tires past my window in the early morning hours ...No strange sounds emanating from the guest house ...No more sordid and tawdry guests ...No more abuse of private property ...No more Magnum.

Higgins:
[seeing Magnum wearing an old football helmet] Even for you, I find this evening's attire most bizarre. A rough divorce case pending?

Magnum:
Higgins-

Higgins:
Or is it some exotic fantasy you engage in after the sun goes down. "Win one for the dipper," something or other.

Magnum:
Gipper!

Higgins:
What?

Magnum:
It is Gipper, not dipper!

Magnum:
[narrating] Life on the islands has an irresistible rhythm; Days merging together like waves on the beach, that's why I never understood why people get excited over artificial events. For example, a birthday should be a private time, with maybe a run on the beach to celebrate, not the big, embarrassing fuss a person's friends always make over it. I should know because it was my birthday, and I knew Rick and T.C. would be planning something special. What I didn't know was that the day would be one of the biggest disasters of my life.

Higgins:
[philosophizing about Magnum's potential death] I know, however desolated I would be, I would also experience a certain catharsis that is singularly missing.

T.C.:
Ahh... run that by me again, Higgi-baby. Only this time in English.

Higgins:
[about Magnum's plan to join a high stakes poker game] It's Higgin's law, if you will: Opportunity plus Magnum equals financial disaster. Inevitably the disaster befalls an innocent bystander.

Magnum:
[narrating] Even on the red-eye it's wonderful flying into Honolulu for a vacation in paradise. But, it's not nearly so wonderful when you're a Private Investigator who's just spent two weeks in Bakersfield on a case and been stiffed by your client. And it's even worse when your ride from the airport didn't show up, and the cab driver's listening to the Orange Blossom Special.

Mert:
Higgins, the dogs are supposed to attack the Sushi Brothers, not Magnum.

Higgins:
Sorry, force of habit. It won't happen again.

Magnum:
[narrating] The case had started off easier than I had expected. However, my first lead was hardly the place I wanted to find Taylor's girlfriend. You couldn't even trust the beer in a joint like that

Magnum:
[narrating] Every day in the topics is part illusion; Rain clouds are actually rainbows ... the perfect wave breaks into a riptide ... conviction of immortality grows out of the endless summer. What I should have remembered is that illusion is always dangerous. But, on a perfect morning on the beach, who could remember fate?

Magnum:
Howdy, partner. You just ride into town?

Elmo Ziller:
Somebody told me you was a pretty good detective.

Magnum:
Terrific. I ain't had a rustlin' case all year.

T.C.:
[to Magnum] I knew this investigative business was easy, else you wouldn't be in it.