My Family, Series 3 (2002)

Nick:
Dad, now Janey's going, can I have a pay rise?

Nick:
Who'd have thought it, eh? Our little girl flying the nest. Before you know it, Michael will be gone too. Then it will just be the three of us, the way it was meant to be.

Michael:
"Tesco's out of Brie, so gn to Paris."

Ben:
"Gn?"

Michael:
"Prices 2 high, so gn to Nice for chse."

Ben:
Mm-hmm.

Michael:
"Don't worry about money. I have Dad's bnk card." Any reply?

Ben:
Yep, yep.

Ben:
"Dr Nk, u r f'd."

Ben:
I am not having people witness my life. It's bad enough that I have to see it.

Ben:
(on camera) I know you might not want to use this in your little film, but I just want to put the record straight...she asked me to marry her.

Ben:
Who?

Susan:
You know. Our guest. The one who eats all our food and is always bothering us?

Ben:
Oh, Abi.

Susan:
No, the hairy one.

Ben:
Nick.

Susan:
(under her breath) You're late.

Ben:
(under his breath) How do you know? You've not met me yet.

Susan:
You don't understand. I don't want to!

Raymond:
Ah, but your eyes say "Yes".

Susan:
Yours will be saying "Ow" in a minute.

Susan:
Your line sounds dated.

Director:
Well, it is set two thousand years ago!

Susan:
So is Jesus Christ Superstar, but it didn't stop Lloyd Webber from adding guitars!

Director:
For the fifth time, you're not going to sing!

Susan:
I'm going to confront him with this and give him a piece of my mind!

Ben:
I think you've lost enough of it already...which means: let me talk to him.

Susan:
You?!

Ben:
Yeah. Let's at least let him grow some goolies before you lop 'em off.

Michael:
I'm going to be a Tory Prime Minister. I don't need any hippy baggage in my past.

Ben:
So what were you doing at that girl's house, then?

Michael:
I didn't go for illicit drugs; I went for illicit sex.

Ben:
You are a Tory!

Ben and Susan are discussing Janey's new friend, Kate, who is a lesbian

Susan:
There are many notable lesbians in history. Catherine the Great.

Ben:
Name says it all.

Susan:
k.d. lang.

Ben:
Wonderful voice. Sharon Simpson.

Susan:
Who's she?

Ben:
One of my patients. Lovely teeth.

Nick:
Oh, no! My worst nightmare: two lesbians sharing a bed in my house, and one of them's my sister!

Janey:
I'm not gay.

Ben:
Well that about takes the biscuit doesn't it? How dare you not be gay. Good God! You put us through anxiety, anger, confusion, doubt, anger...

Susan:
You said anger.

Ben:
I was angry twice. Until we finally reach tolerance and acceptance, and you tell us you're not gay. My own daughter! I feel betrayed!

Nick:
I'm doing The Knowledge.

Ben:
You haven't even passed The Ignorance.

Michael:
There might be some burnt cheese stuck to the lid. You snooze, you lose.

Ben:
No, I win! (holds up bag) Yes, it's Chinese Takeaway time! Oh yes! Oh, look at this! Chicken with cashew nuts, spring rolls, capital spare ribs. My favourite. And it's followed closely by the ever-loved rice. It's alright, Michael; you can lick the lids.

Michael:
You mean to say you got takeaway and you didn't even consult your kids.

Ben:
(smiling broadly) Yeah.

Abi:
Don't you feel guilty?

Ben:
(still smiling) No.

Nick:
Is that Chinese takeaway?

Ben:
No, it's Chinese keep-away.

Nick:
What putrefaction is this? Michael, holy water. (takes a spray bottle) Music. (plays Tubular Bells) Be thou not afraid! (sprays Ben)

Ben:
(to Abi) You, you're unhinged! (to Michael) You, you're demented! (to Nick) You, you're just... you!

Nick:
Sorry, Dad. I can't betray a confidence. A cab driver's like a priest.

Ben:
Twenty quid?

Nick:
Bless you, my son!

[Ben discovers his Barry White record is broken]

Susan:
I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.

Ben:
Yes there is. Nick!

Susan:
How do you know?

Ben:
It's a fact of life that my property plus broken always equals, NICK!

(Ben's anti-Yuletide sentiments)

Susan:
Why are you always convinced that Christmas is going to be a disaster?

Ben:
Because it always is. It's traditional.

Susan:
No it isn't.

Ben:
There you go, always looking to the negative. You know I'm right; look at last year.

Susan:
We all had a lovely time.

Ben:
Oh yeah, you did. I got beaten up by carol singers...

Susan:
Ah, yes...lovely voices.

Ben:
The year before that there was the turkey.

Susan:
OK, so it needed to stay in for a bit longer.

Ben:
Susan, it was still alive. I'm trying to forget the year of the puppy.

Susan:
Oh, the puppy...yes, that was sad, wasn't it? But those aren't reasons to hate Christmas.

Ben:
Alright, try these: you have to jolly up to people you normally wouldn't bother to rescue from drowning; you get drunken men in suits vomiting in your flowerbeds; you're effectively trapped in the house with the central heating on full blast; and then someone throws a log on the fire because they think it's festive!

Susan Harper:
Don't be defeatist!

Ben Harper:
I'm not defeatist; I'm defeated.

Ben:
What's that?

Susan:
Chocolate Raisin Turkey with Caramel.

Ben:
Excuse me?

Susan:
It's Moroccan.

Ben:
(looks at her cookbook) Ah, I see. Several pages of your cookbook are stuck together. Yeah, you've moved from Poultry to Dessert.

Susan:
That's how great discoveries are made. Luddite.

Ben:
(cringing) It's the thought that counts.

Michael:
Shame it's such a horrible thought.

Nick:
Nice tie!

Ben:
Ignorance is bliss.

Susan:
Then you must be the happiest man in the world.

Ben:
(under his breath) I was until I married you.

Susan:
I heard that!

Ben:
Hey, you're not allowed in pubs.

Michael:
I am if I have a plated meal in a clearly designated restaurant area.