Not the Nine O'Clock News

McEnroe Snr (Smith):
John, don't slurp your orange juice.

McEnroe (Jones):
...You cannot be serious!

Chief Inspector (Atkinson):
All together, Savage, you have filed 55 ludicrous, trumped-up charges [...] against the same man!

Chief Inspector:
Do I take it, Savage, that Mr Kodogo is .... a coloured gentleman?

Corbett (Jones):
Good evening - it's lovely to be with you again, isn't it Ronnie?

Barker (Smith):
No, it's a pain in the arse, quite frankly... but you'll be relieved to hear that tonight we'll be doing exactly the same material...

Corbett:
... as we've been doing for the last twenty years.

Barker:
I shall be talking incredibly quickly, making spousands of thoonerisms and dressing up in women's clothing...

Corbett:
...and I shan't be getting any laughs, because he writes most of the scripts and makes sure I get all the crappy bits.

Conservative MP (Atkinson):
Our right honourable leader… and Denis. My, lords, ladies, fellow party workers, I am a golfer! [applause] But I am also a Conservative and the Conservatives are back in power! What a wonderful word! But with a new initiative and most of all, a new style. And we are mostly concerned with two main issues. Firstly, immigration. Now, people really do get this party wrong on this issue every time, don't they? We don't think immigrants are animals, for god's sake! I know a lot of immigrants personally and they're perfectly nice people. They're black, of course, which is a shame. But honestly, some of them can do some jobs almost as well as white people... and we acknowledge this. Now, a lot of immigrants are Indians and Pakistanis for instance, and... I like curry, I do! But now that we've got the recipe, is there really any need for them to stay? Conservatives understand these problems, you see. Like we understand young criminals, another very emotive issue. This party feels that we've been just a little too soft on these... bastards. Mr. Whitelaw has spoken of the short sharp shock treatment, and his introduction of the 24,000V electric chair to Home Office detention centres begins next week... on a purely experimental basis, of course. If it doesn't work? Then of course we will be more than prepared to revert to old liberal wishy-washy socialist nigger-loving red left-wing homosexual commie ways of the recent past. But please, let's have a chance! It may be a tough road, we know, but don't forget, it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a camel to… [pause] ...than it is, for a camel to.

Smith:
Well, my team and I have really concerned ourselves fundamentally with a statistical analysis of soccer violence as a whole, in tandem with and related to a psycho-chemical and, broadly speaking, a behavioural analysis of over a thousand individual soccer hooligans. And we've come to the inevitable conclusion that the one course of action that the authorities must take, is to cut off their goolies.

Jones:
...I'm sorry?

Smith:
Cut their goolies off.

Jones:
Yes. Well, [nervous laugh] Sally, I'm sure you'll have something to say about that point of view.

Stephenson:
Look, Jonathan...[sighs] I know these kids. Um, I've worked in the areas we're talking about, around Lambeth, Lewisham, I know their problems, I know their frustrations, lack of community facilities, I know their parents...and in my opinion, Professor Duff's suggestion that we should cut off their goolies is the only solution.

Smith:
Absolutely. I mean, cut the goolies off. Cut them off.

Stephenson:
Slice 'em through.

Jones:
Well, there you have it, er...

Smith:
Let 'em have it!

Stephenson:
Whip off the goolies!

Jones:
Expert opinion certainly seems to be in favour of, er...

Smith and Stephenson:
Cutting off their goolies!

Interviewer:
Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it?

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Oh yes, yes. He can speak a few actual words. Of course it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage. When I first captured Gerald in the Congo, ’67 I think it was…

Gerald, the Gorilla:
’68

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
’68. Umm… there was an awful lot of work to do. He was enormously slow and difficult. I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of one-to-one basis…

Gerald, the Gorilla:
Yes, yes, if I might just butt at this point Tim, I think I should point out that I have done a considerable amount of work on this project myself and if I may say so your teaching methods do leave a bit to be desired…

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
That’s a bit ungrateful, isn’t it?

Gerald, the Gorilla:
…and your diction for instance…

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Can I put this into some sort of perspective? When I caught Gerald in ’68 he was completely wild.

Gerald, the Gorilla:
Wild? I was absolutely livid!