One Foot In The Grave, Series 1 (1990)

Victor:
It was Bovril flavor today.

Margret:
What?

Victor:
The empty crisp packet on the front lawn.

Victor:
I'm thinking of compiling a special reference guide: The Observer's Book Of Crap On Your Front Lawn. Give me something to do in the years ahead.

Margret:
[On Victor being made redundant.] What did they say?

Victor:
Bugger off, I think was the general gist of it.

Garage Manager:
Good afternoon. You're...

Victor:
Victor Meldrew the Crimson Avenger!

Garage Manager:
Could you tell me what exactly was the problem with the car?

Victor:
What? You mean you don't know what's wrong with it yet?

Garage Manager:
Well, we know what's wrong with it now.

Margret:
You've got a whole new life ahead of you Victor. I mean - you've hardly started - got it all still to come.

Victor:
[Head in hands.] I know that's what scares me.

Victor:
She can't be dead, she's a bloody health and fitness instructor!

Victor:
Welcome to stiff city. The dead of two world wars.

Victor:
[pretending to talk to someone on the telephone] Victor Meldrew's Public Dosshouse Limited. Yes, we're taking bookings through to the end of April '92...we do have a last-minute cancellation. Mahatma Gandhi is just leaving.

Victor:
[after his unwanted hat was yet again returned to him] No, I don't believe it!